its days like these i wish i had a drug problem. a drug induced creative coma sounds inspirational. &coming down sounds even more productive.

sometimes i look over at my dog &check to see if he's breathing. sometimes i wish he weren't. only because i don't want to have to get up &take him outside. but remorse immediately follows.

if you ever feel like you've fucked up... ...go to planned parenthood. &just observe. you'll never fuck up again.

i have an overwhelming urge to be overwhelmingly selfish.

i lie to my therapist so we have more to talk about.

my inability to love another, is expressed in the love i have for my dog. my inability to committ is what keeps us apart, because i am solely committed to patch, my poodle-cockerspaniel.

i was driving home from my appointment. &a truck drove past me. a truck for a roofing company. &the passenger in the truck looked at me, smiled, &then held up a sign. "you're cute", said the sign. &it made my day.

i don't like having sex. but i have sex with you. because it's easier to let you pump away, than to explain why i don't like it. &if i had the choice, i would never have sex again. ever. but an orgasm is much easier to fake. than telling you i've been raped seven times since i was four. &that i feel repulsed when you're finished.

i don't like having sex. not with you, not with anybody. but i like pleasing you. so i let you have sex with me. but i hate that you don't know i've faked every orgasm you've ever thought i've had with you. but it's not your inability to make me cum. because you're good in bed. it's that i don't find pleasure in your touch the way i feel like i should. but you do. &i like that. i masturbate for pleasure. but i have sex to feel wanted.

so, hi. i feel shitty. &here's why: i broke up with him the weekend of our one year anniversary. i was busy kissing your best friend while you were up waiting for me to come over to talk about your bad day. &i made plans with your best friend to cheat on you before i leave this fall.