its a feeling you can't describe, with a coffee in hand, sunglasses on and a belly full of breakfast. its moment like these where a cigarette would fit perfectly. a little taste of hot, smokey tobacco washed down with even hotter coffee with just a touch of french vanilla in its after taste. its truck stop coffee and i asked for it black, so i dont know if that flavor is supposed to be there or not. but im not complaining. its better than the charcoal flavor you get when you get the last cup of the pot. its the feeling of heavy eyelids in the morning when you first wake up. how the sun seems so much brighter and it feels like its the suns personal vendetta to blind you. but you squint and get through it. because its only nine o'clock in the morning. its nothing but the open road from here on out. its the feeling of empty highways surrounded by empty fields. you think of what would be planted in them if something were planted in them. but you don't know enough about iowa agriculture to know what grows here this season. its mile marker after road sign after rest stop after truck stop. repetition with different names and different colored signs. but you cant look away, because the potential for greatness is far too great and you dont want to miss anything that could be considered great in iowa. it could be the last great thing you see here. you're captured by the open sky and the endless land. you feel like you're flying but the steady vibration keeps you grounded. its the feeling of a clear mind clouded only by bad habits. which seem twice as bad because its such a wholesome place to be. maybe its because you're so far away from where you're from. but the clear mind is great because when inspiration meets imagination the result is freedom. and for once, you dont mind the wait for inspiration. its a nice, clean wait. free of frustration. its the feeling of picking up postcards from all the places you've never been before. you make a mental note to call and tell scott you were on his side of the country and you would have stopped to say hi, but you aren't in touch anymore. its the warped voices over the radio as you get further and further away from the big city and closer to the open country. as each mile marker passes, you being to feel infinite. because you're further from home. which means you're closer to feeling fine. its indescribable feelings such as those that make me feel like one day i could be something great.

i wasn't in love with him, i was in love with the way he treated me. and oh how easy it was to fall in love. i was having a love affair with roses on my doorstep and letters in my mailbox, jewelry from tiffany's and phone calls just to say, "i love you." it was the parts of him that had me fooled this was real. his hands, his eyes, his voice and his passion for me. he was so in love. i couldn't even entertain the idea that i didn't feel the same. but i didnt know any better. when someone loves you as much as he loved me, you're supposed to love him back. but it hurts to think back to the magical nights that peppered our relationship. like the night in san francisco, or the night up north we spent under the stars. to think of those nights any other way other than deeply in love seems to erase part of the magic. and a part of me. as if i was only partially there. the pains in the pit of my stomach should explain it. but if not, im not sure my lips could do it justice. its an explanation that i dont have to explain. although i feel like i owe you something. anything. but what can i say? nothing i'll tell you can make up that year that you'll feel you lost. it wont bring anything back. but how can i not say something? anything? i must confess. because confession is the human condition. because this would look so much better on your shoulders than on mine. but it seems secrets are easier to hide behind my eyes than yours. yours are just too honest to be believable. the girl next door probably has more skeletons than you. but why don't you take this one for practice. because i can't bear this burden any longer.

the first time i met you was just the other night. you were sweet and charming and very polite. you held open doors and asked me about my favorite bands. and i couldn't help but think, "he looks like a guy who understands." you're an easy guy to talk to, thats for sure. i'm not sure what it is about you, but you can tell that your heart is pure. who knows why, maybe it's because you're so close to your mom. maybe i'll have to wait and read about it on poetry.com. i went to that familiar page and looked you up just like i promised. the chance to get to read something you've written is not an opportunity i would have missed. i read them all through until the very end and i have to say, you are quite talented, my friend. i got to the very last poem entitled, "the person i don't know." and i thought to myself, "that just might be the sweetest thing anyone's ever writtten me. he must be a pro." and i flashed that smile that caught you by surprise, and i said, "this proves it. he's different than all the rest of those guys."

i met a really sweet guy today he was such a gentleman, he wouldn't even let me pay but i had a little secret i forgot to mention i sure hope this doesn't cause a lot of tension but i have something that i really need to say you may not want to hear it, but you should listen anyway i like your sister i really really really wanna kiss her i think she's really fine i just hope you don't mind cuz i like your sister i really really really really dig her i hope she likes me to but if not, i guess you'll do now don't get me wrong, you're a really great guy but i think i'm gonna give girls a try i had a really great time on our date but where are your manners, introduce me to your sister, kate. i hope you don't take this the wrong way but if it doesn't work out, i promise i'll call, okay? i like your sister i really really really wanna kiss her i think she's really fly is she a lez, or is she just bi? you don't know? that's cool too do i still get that second date with you? thanks for introducing us, i appreciate it no hard feelings, i know you hate this you've really been super about this really understanding about my feelings for your sis i feel like i can tell you anything hey, maybe you could help me pick out a ring? cuz i like your sister i really really really wanna kiss her she even understands why i picked you as my best man cuz i like your sister and i really think our love is true and i owe it all to you

flight 410 in the late part of a nearly perfect saturday afternoon. the sun was out but slightly covered by a hazy layer of clouds. today is good day to fly. i used to pretend i was afraid of flying so the person next to me would assure me that everything would be okay. i was young enough then for it to pass without skepticism. now that i'm older, i get funny looks when i grip the arm rests as the plane steadily plummets to our final destination. but what i hadn't realized is that during all those years of pretending, i actually developed a very real fear of take offs and landings. so each deep breath in and counts to 10 is as real as it gets. my hands are clammy and my heartbeat has picked up its pace. i guess thats my hearts way of saying it recognizes the gallons of adrenaline passing through my veins. i fear the desent but i can't wait to land. the girl sitting next to me is sort of how i imagine myself. you know, if i were completely different. she's blonde and beautiful but not in the traditional sense. she looks like barbie's second cousin twice removed. the beautician, not the flight attendent. come to think of it, maybe its not me she reminds me of. but a girl i met just a few times a few months ago. her name was nikki and she was attending beauty school. what a striking resemblence. only i'm pretty sure the extent of this girls habits are biting her nails and singing off key. something so much less complicated than meth and pabst. the in-flight movie is not one i've seen before, but it isn't one i'm interested in. i close my eyes and begin to listen to my surroundings. the babies crying because they haven't learned to pop thier ears yet. the guy tapping away on his laptop, definitely not writing an email to his wife or kids. someone wants to know the score of the game and someone else wants a new set of headphones. once again i glance over at the girl sitting in the seat next to mine. you didn't actually think this was a story abouot my flight, did you? oh you did? that's sweet. she seems so much more important than anything else on this plane. she is lifting and closing the window shade as if she's having an argument with the sun and the fucker just won't listen. i silently laugh to myself at this analogy. the shade is up right now and she occassionaly looks out but never for very long. i think she's a nervous flyer. something we have in common. she takes out her CD player and i can't catch a glimpse at the CD before she pushes play. she seems uninterested in what is playing through her headphones and checks out the movie, but can't seem to get into that either. the flight attendent comes by and is offering drinks. she takes a diet pepsi. something else we have in common. the shade comes down as she eats her pretzels and drinks her diet soda. she's not focusing on anything and i wonder if she can see what i'm writing. probably not. she finishes her lunchtime snack and gets out her book. hot pink cover and it looks like she's just started it. i could ask her if she likes it so far, but i'd rather observe and not interact. the shade goes up about halfway and she cracks open her book. i have my own headphones on and my music is almost a soundtrack to our little romance. she pulls the shade down completely as the plane takes a turn to the west and its almost as if we're flying directly into the sun. she keeps reading and i run out of stuff to write about. but i'll keep one ear uncovered in case she wants to talk. you know, in case she catches on to my ability to have a long romantic love affiar with her in my mind without even saying three words. in case she wants to talk, i'll be here. in case she gets nervous, i'll be here. and when it comes time to land, we'll grip the same arm rest and touch hands. and then i'll never see her again. and she'll just be my two hour love affair that i never met. three if you count the time change.

i met someone recently. and i thought by the third time i met him i had him all figured out. and then one friday night he asked me to take a walk. the chill in the air set the perfect mood and it was just the right amount of serious. he opened up a little about himself and then without even trying he opened me up as well. we stood under the streetlight with his hands at my waist and mine around his shoulders. he guessed at things i've been hiding for years and he was perfectly right about each and every one. i have never connected with another soul in all my 18 years then i did with him that night. i knew right then that i hadn't come anywhere near having him all figured out. he's leanred to hide things well. so i sit and i am silently amazed at all he has to offer. and i can't seem to take my eyes or my mind off of him. i don't want to miss a thing. i read what he writes and i always read it more than once. because with every line i learn a little bit more about him. the things that he writes are so familiar to me that it makes my brain hurt just thinking about it. "listening to the same song over and over to stay in the state of mind. who the hell would do that?" i do that. more often than not. it's one of those things he doesn't understand about himself but its one of those things that makes him so incredible to me. i just can't think of two other souls that were meant to come together like ours were. he talks about not writing anymore. and it forces me to remember the last time i was inspired to write. too long ago. but everytime i get the chance to pull him away from the crowd, i'm more inspired than ever. because a person with so much to say without even saying a word cannot go undocumented. he seems to think people don't care. and although i can't speak for anyone else, i can speak for myself. and i care. i care about him more than i have cared about someone in a long time. i won't say ever, because that line belongs in a love letter. and this is not a love letter. it's just me reacting to someone phenomenal. but i stand and watch in the distance because of my fear of getting too close. especially since i'm not the only one involved. but if i were a little more confident and a little less careful, i would leave notes in his mailbox or on his car just so he knew how much i thought about him. if he knew someone cared, he might smile, even if just for a second, and nothing brings a smile to my face faster then one of his signature smiles. but instead of writing notes and leaving funny messages, i saved all the cute things i would say and i wrote this instead. i just hope it makes him smile. because that's what i live for. to danny. -your little secret.

this old familiar feeling is beginning to set in again. it's this frustrating feeling of death that makes me feel more alive then i can any other way. i don't exactly know how to describe it, but it's something that could easily be diagnosed if noticed. the problem is that i'm just way to good at keeping it hidden. if i admit what i'm feeling, then the secret's out and i have nothing to keep from you. which isn't exactly what i want, but it's the easiest way to live. it's been so long since the last time i needed to scratch at the surface of this. but i couldn't quite overcome the too familiar feelings. this needed to be tested to see if its real because i'm not sure if this is reality or reality t.v., a mini series of death and self destruction if you will. so i grabbed the knife and i firmly pressed the tip until i saw the surface give way. i couldn't quite feel the pain but i knew that if i could feel it, it would be there. instead of trying to remember where this had gotten me before, i dig deeper and push harder. i scratch and scratch until that burning starts. not quite pain, but definitely relief. i can't help the smile spread across my face as this burst of feeling radiates from my arm straight to my heart without making any stops for fresh air. this is the final stretch because i know i need to stop. this can't get out of hand. i can only feel so much at a time and i can't feel it all here. i need to save this last bit until i really need it. i throw the knife aside and look at the mural i've just created on this once empty canvas. to the un-aided eye it looks like angry scribbles, but to me there is a word in the center that is so blantantly clear: my mother's name. my heart drops into my shoes and this feeling of defeat and disappointment washes over me. i run the water as hot as it'll go and stick my arm under. i grab the washcloth and scrub at my arm. i want the blood to be gone, and i want the wounds to disappear with it. i can see the skin redden in anger at the heat of the water and the friction on my skin. i scream at myself, but not a sound comes out. i scrub and scrub until everything is washed away and nothing is left but the anger inside. i sink to the floor and clutch my burning arm. i feel so tired and so disappointed that i slump to the floor and close my eyes and hope to never wake. i didn't shed a single tear and i haven't yet. tonight has just become a secret. another lonely secret i'll keep to myself.

we were driving down the highway at probably dangerous speeds. we had the radio turned up because neither one of us wanted to talk. which was fine, because neither one of us needed to say a word. the music blared out of my speakers and you were screaming along at the top of your lungs. i put both hands on the wheel and pretended to be thinking about much more important things. i was focusing on your voice and the way it bounced around in my car, even though the window was open. we turned the dial and switched from station to station trying to find a better song to sing along to. when we found one we liked, we'd hit the volume button and shout the words like we'd been dying to say them for years. you knew all the words to all the songs and i only knew the choruses, but i didn't really feel like singing along anyway. so i sat in the drivers seat and pushed harder on the accelerator as i listened to your voice. your voice seemed to crack at all my favorite lines and i tried not to take it personally. you were a little intoxicated so i wouldn't allow you to take all the blame. i sat back in my seat and watched you from the corner of my eye and thought that this moment needed to be recorded. we should hire a photographer or have our own t.v. show, because we both knew that this is what america really wanted to see. we were on our way home from a party with far too much booze for the amount of people attending. but we seemed to be throwing out more empty bottles as every hour passed. with the mixture of alcohol and hormones racing around the apartment, drama was in the air. and this time it didn't involve you or i, so we left. we had a craving for taco's rather than another shot of jack daniels so we got into my car and hoped i had counted my drinks correctly. we both made it home safely and we said goodbye with our traditional hug and i finally gave you the kiss you had been asking for all night. you seemed glad to have it. you gathered your things, left the bottles in my trunk, and slammed the door. i kept my lights off and watched you walk away. suddenly you turned around and came back to the passenger side door. i unlocked it and you leaned in and i thought it was because you wanted another kiss. you know, one for the road. so i was a little more than devastated when you asked if i had your shirt. i pulled it out of my back seat and handed it to you reluctantly. you said thank you and then paused, looking at me. you leaned in for another kiss and said to me lightly, "i left it on purpose so i could come back for another kiss." funny thing is - its three days later and i haven't spoken to you since.

i'm up tonight, in between things to study. i have plenty to do, but nothing that quite fits my mood. nothing i dread, just nothing i crave. and i happen to think life is too short to do anything less than what you crave. this will be the headlining theme from now on. life is just too short to live without a headlining theme. wouldn't you agree? all things executed need to be thought about entirely more than they are at the current moment. and all thoughts need to be more thoughtful. by leaps and bounds. eyes should be opened more often, mouths should be closed, and paying attention should be mandatory. and now that your eyes are open, you might as well take a look around while you're here. wouldn't you agree? correspondence and communication is key. pick up a pen a little more frequently and purchase your own stationary. write home about things that don't necessarily matter to you, because more often than not they matter to someone else. always say what you're thinking, life is too short not to share. find your heart and open it. let someone in, it keeps you sharp. write more love songs and love letters. don't be afraid to tell someone how you feel. write poetry for strangers and leave it in unexpected places. moderate the creation of boundaries, but embrace isolation. some things can only be processed when alone. worry less, live more. jump in head first and focus on the present. work less and relax more. stretch out your day and enjoy every second of it. take deep breaths and spend more time outside. do not think about wrinkles or what gravity will do to your body in ten years. just the same, do not think about bad memories or what you wish you would have done. make up for it now - karma is alive and well. do not think about what you would have done differently. spending too much time in the past will diminish your future. wouldn't you agree? give one hundred percent more consideration to others than you currently do. the end result will be beneficial. keep your promises but eliminate false hope. become less obligated and allow yourself to want more. go back for seconds and do not allow guilt to overrun your life. take a second cookie, break it in half and offer it to the one person in the room who isn't smiling. trading cookies for smiles can be theraputic. wouldn't you agree? eliminate rage and increase the peace. focus more on reconstruction than deconstruction. mend hearts, don't break them. increase toleration and expand your mind. you might learn something. practice being extroverted. a simple conversation could save someone's life. strive to be someone's miracle and achieve your goals at all costs. dream big and never settle. wish often and daydream frequntly. treat every weekend as if it were a vacation. seize every opportunity and never look back. regret less and embrace more. life will always be unexpected, but its better that way. wouldn't you agree? reach out and touch lives. do not empower stereotypes, instead break all walls and boundaries. listen to your heart more and your conscience less. try to gain an outside perspective on the lives you touch so as to never undermine the power to make things happen. nothing is a waste of time and you shouldn't view it as such. do not purchase good china and then keep it locked up until relatives arive. go out in your formal wear. always save the best for last. life will give you what you need, but you must be capable of taking what you want. fear less and take a chance. do not think of anything as a tragedy - always rearrange the point of view. if the bungee snaps, the rocks will catch you. never plan for emergency and take life in stride. no one is out to get you and bad things happen to everyone. wouldn't you agree?

obviously you need someone to commit and i need someone to give me what i want. and what i want is for someone like you to not exist. i swore we had this conversation days ago but i don't recall yelling at you the last time so the topics obviously weren't the same. my mistake. i'm not sure how this subjet came up, but i'd like to know so i can avoid it at all costs. you set me up with land mines all around and you want me to close my eyes and just start running. let me make this a little clearer for you: just running is just a little impossible for me. and no, i don't want to talk about it. which is fine, because you wouldn't pressure me into talking about things like that because thats just not the person you are and that's what i loved about you. i even wrote you a five and a half page letter about it. and i addressed it perfectly and attached the right amount of postage so it would get to you without delay. so i still don't know what you're complaining about. it's not like you didn't get an invitation in the form of a letter the other day inviting you to know exactly what was going on. so i'm going to have to ask you to focus. that would be great. so back to my point: the distance. we've talked about it for so long that we've both made it seem like it wasn't an issue anymore. well, i lied - it was always an issue for me. and tonight i just wanted to see what you'd say, so i stayed a little longer even though you were throwing red flags to run like you were winning some sort of goddamn contest against me. but thats when things really heated up. you brought it to my attention and told me you were worried that i wouldn't commit. i started asking questions that you had to struggle to answer, because i knew exactly what i was doing. i listened to you politely crush everything i had been working for. and you showed not even the slightest bit of remorse in your eyes. but it was finally coming true. i finally had the perfet example to show you exatly what i've been meaning to say since the first day i met you. "stay away from me." and you never listened. in fact, more often than not you followed that line with a compliment. even though that was far from what i wanted. truth is - the distance was more of an issue than you thought it would be. and that just proved me right. i knew exactly what i was talking about and i would've given anything to have you see it. but no, you were just too in love at the time. good thing there was a sober mind between the two of us. so you finally admitted the issue. that the distance is a problem for both of us. you want something that i can't give to you and i don't know what you want from me. i can't give you any more than i'm already giving and that still isn't good enough for you. at the risk of sounding cliche, i'll never be good enough. i'll never be able to give you what you want because i don't want any of that. and i dont think i could live with myself if i asked you to settle for a life you dont really want just so you can be with me. so i'll do what i do best, i'll run. i'll say some snide comment that will make you second guess my love for you, and then i'll say my tride and true line about, "i'm bad news. just forget you ever met me." and with any luck, you actually will.