so, i think tonights episode of L word has been by far the most depressing and sad. i shed some tears but im fine now. i just find myself in shock wen things go from one extreme to the next i guess. everything is fine one minute and within the next everything is completely falling apart. ive noticed that the past few weeks of my life have seemed a bit off compared to that of which i am used to. i am begining to realize that its only change. change in the sense that i, myself am changing, only growing up and becoming an adult. its sort of nice though. bc in some way i believe that realizing its merely something such as change, it helps the confusion ive been having and with each day has me finding everything making a bit more sense. which in the least is very comforting. but i really should be off to sleep since i have school early in the morning. so off i go.

its like almost 7 30 and im sitting here bored with nothing to do. i should do something productive but frankly i dont have the will. how sad! today was so odd. i had lunch with emily as planned and it went really well. we had a really good time and lunch was so good! we went to macaroni grill and oh my god i ate WAY too much! but anyway.. afterward was really awkward bc i had to drop her off with nicole and i couldnt even look at her. i really really liked nicole and let myself care about her way too much..she kept trying to look at me hoping i would aknowledge her but i couldnt. i would have got teary-eyed or something..im still really tender about the whole thing. none the less i was still really angry when i left. and i drove out of there so fast and blasted some caliban...i was in a zone the whole way home...and then cleaned my room...still in a daze. my dad came in and could tell something was up but i just couldnt bring myself to talk about it. i just lacked the energy and will to utter any words. especially about that. so, he left me to be and then when i finished all i wanted to do was sleep. and the fact that john totally flaked on me (typical) totally made it all that much worse. so i layed down and slept until about 6 30. my dad came in asking if i wanted anything to eat and i did so he made me some food and i came inside to eat. i was planning to go back to sleep but im wide awake now so im just writing and bored trying to pass time.. i cant wait til my mom comes home. she went to bakersfield today with my brother to go visit my grandpa. i hate when shes gone. it feels like somethngs missing (well duh) and i dont like the way it feels. :/ i did enjoy my conversation with my dad over dinner though. sometimes i couldnt love him more. but often i couldnt HATE him more! lol. im so inbetween feelings lately and im not sure what to do with myself. and a short part of the conversation emily and i had keeps on ringing in my head... carissa-"so, what do you call it when there are only a few selected guys that give you hope and keep you from going completely gay?" emily- "you call that naive..and wait for them to fuck you over" carissa- "well..what if they've already fucked you over?" emily- "well then you call that danny cervantes!" carissa- "come on seriously its not JUST danny..its like a few different guys..and they all have pretty much fucked me over" emily- "well, then you just straight need to wake up and realize that thats called a lesbian!" it was funny. but made me think. i dont know. everything is so confusing. i just want to be in a relationship because this whole single thing is really draining me and making me feel like im worthless. and ive been having weird ass dreams. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?! ugh.

today was so awesome. i had an amazing time with keli. we had dinner in santa barbara, sushi- my fave! and it was just fucking great. john pulido called me tonight. fucking random. but it totally topped my good day :) i also had two bitches tell me that they missed me...and you know what i have to say about that? KISS MY MOTHERFUCKING ASS!!!!!!!!! haha. im SORTA jk. im not THAT mean but im not THAT nice either. ;P well, im off to go mimi's... maybe ill have something of a lil more substance to write about tomorrow. tomorrows agenda- *lunch with em Q *quality time with mr. JP (johnny poopoo) oh man, this should be interesting!

im laying in bed and its almost 4 in the afternoon. given-i havent been here all day. but its a neon sign that i am bumming over something..bc i dont usually just chill out in my bed. ha. boys are dumb and girls are dumber. i often get sick and tired of being sick and tired of people. in addition-shit is complicated. and it makes me confused. i dont like being confused. it makes me feel like i got everything wrong. whats going on? it just occured to me i havent seen let alone talked to my best friend in i dont even know how many days. i miss her. i need to go out and get intoxicated this weekend with my friends. i know thats such an immature way to avoid dealing with things but i need some fun to get all this chaos off my mind. i miss san francisco so much. since ive been home everything has just faded to shit. ok ok..im exagerating. but still, i feel like a poopyshit and i want someone to cheer me up. i think im going to go in my jacuzzi to relax and then take a nap. and i think im gonna read a book. i miss doing that. ♥

same shit. different people. same sex. different city. this shit is getting fucking old. im tired of being a convienence and a comfort zone. does anyone happen to see the fact that i may have feelings as well? HELLOO!!!! im a fucking human being, treat me like one. im sick of being used and then tossed away like a bad habit. its fucking shit. shit shit shit im so bummed out. ha.. yeah those relationships..they really fuck you up.