its like almost 7 30 and im sitting here bored with nothing to do. i should do something productive but frankly i dont have the will. how sad! today was so odd. i had lunch with emily as planned and it went really well. we had a really good time and lunch was so good! we went to macaroni grill and oh my god i ate WAY too much! but anyway.. afterward was really awkward bc i had to drop her off with nicole and i couldnt even look at her. i really really liked nicole and let myself care about her way too much..she kept trying to look at me hoping i would aknowledge her but i couldnt. i would have got teary-eyed or something..im still really tender about the whole thing. none the less i was still really angry when i left. and i drove out of there so fast and blasted some caliban...i was in a zone the whole way home...and then cleaned my room...still in a daze. my dad came in and could tell something was up but i just couldnt bring myself to talk about it. i just lacked the energy and will to utter any words. especially about that. so, he left me to be and then when i finished all i wanted to do was sleep. and the fact that john totally flaked on me (typical) totally made it all that much worse. so i layed down and slept until about 6 30. my dad came in asking if i wanted anything to eat and i did so he made me some food and i came inside to eat. i was planning to go back to sleep but im wide awake now so im just writing and bored trying to pass time.. i cant wait til my mom comes home. she went to bakersfield today with my brother to go visit my grandpa. i hate when shes gone. it feels like somethngs missing (well duh) and i dont like the way it feels. :/ i did enjoy my conversation with my dad over dinner though. sometimes i couldnt love him more. but often i couldnt HATE him more! lol. im so inbetween feelings lately and im not sure what to do with myself. and a short part of the conversation emily and i had keeps on ringing in my head... carissa-"so, what do you call it when there are only a few selected guys that give you hope and keep you from going completely gay?" emily- "you call that naive..and wait for them to fuck you over" carissa- "well..what if they've already fucked you over?" emily- "well then you call that danny cervantes!" carissa- "come on seriously its not JUST danny..its like a few different guys..and they all have pretty much fucked me over" emily- "well, then you just straight need to wake up and realize that thats called a lesbian!" it was funny. but made me think. i dont know. everything is so confusing. i just want to be in a relationship because this whole single thing is really draining me and making me feel like im worthless. and ive been having weird ass dreams. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?! ugh.