Fuck it. I've blown it, All that I said. The rules I laid down, And the pact that I'd made. Never, I told myself, Never again. Line drawn, Move on, Find something new. Never let it grab you, And hold you, again. Never let it use you, Just walk away. Say no, Stop crying, And put it away, To the back of your mind, And keep it locked up. Then maybe, For once, They won't see it, again. And scorn you, And realise How pathetic you are. Sitting alone, Writing 'poems' to no one. Just to distract you from thinking about it But this time, It's not a blade, Or some drug. Instead, you've let yourself Go fall in love. Fuck it. I've blown it, All that I said. The rules I laid down, And the pact that I'd made. Never, I told myself, Never again. Line drawn, Move on, Find someone new.

We could all be great, you know We could love and be loved as well, But still, instead of loving We're all just fucking hell. And we could listen to all God says And others who ring his bell But instead we all ignore him And we're all just fucking hell. And we could all just follow him And do just as he tells Cos every time we sin against God We're all just fucking hell. We should sing for what he's done for us Not curl up in our shell Cos if we're ashamed of our awesome God Then we're all just fucking hell. Punishment here is nothing Not even the worst jail cell But if we're not careful, when we die We'll all be fucking hell. There's a perfect future for all of us Where in his presence we dwell But if no ones bumming heaven Then we're all just fucking hell.

I remember when So long ago I would smile At the thought of you No tears No fears But you. I remember when So long ago I couldn't be happier Than when you were there Nothing special Nothing new Just you. I remember when So long ago I would hope And dream And there would be a chance Of you. And I remember when So long ago You gave a crap About me You weren't blind To me. That 'so long ago' Wasn't long ago at all How can everything change? 'Cos now the thought of you Makes me cry And it's all I can do To avoid seeing you And hopes are lost And dreams are drowned. Cos you've ignored me And you've destroyed me. But even though Your name pulls out every last tear I could never hate you I could never hurt you I could never blame you Seeing you doesn't make me smile But what good is a smile anyway? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ OK, so that wasnt really a poem, just some ramblings. But hey.

When you tell me, at last, that the answer is no, That nothing will change between me and you, Don't worry about me I'll laugh and I'll smile And pretend I'll be happy as long as we're friends. I'll act like the strong one, I'll come out on top I'll pretend i don't need you More than anything else. I wont show you how I Cried myself to sleep Right in the middle of the bloody day Just so I didnt have to think about you Just so I could dream that you hadn't said no. I'll tell you I'm happy As long as you are After all, It's just a teenage crush. I'll tell you i'll get over you And love someone else soon And i'll hold back the tears And choke back the sobs. And then we'll go back and see the world They'll never know youve just broken my heart Just cos i could never be loved The way I know that I loved you They'll see me again, The way that you do, Calm, relaxed, not disappointed at all. But you've said it now You've told me no And now you know, it's all an act I'll cry myself to sleep Every night from now oin Cos neither of us, could ever really lie...

Leaning across an ocean when I’m leaning on your shoulder Reaching across a crater when I reach to touch your hand. Hugging around a mountain when I have to say goodbye to you All the space between us, a lost, forgotten land. I wish I believed in magic That could make it disappear I wish you knew how much it meant To have you with me here. And we are always talking, yet it always seems so silent, And there’s always conversation, but never the right one And all I want to do is tell you what you mean to me But the vacuum that’s between us, swallows it, and it’s gone. And you’re the only one, you know Who can make my wish come true And I don’t believe in magic But I do believe in you.

Like a drug, Like a raging addiction Wanting, needing more Each time I see you Each time you're there Makes me want to see you again Makes me need you more Every thing you do Every word you say Makes you just that little bit more perfect Makes you the only thing i need And each time its over All i can think of is the next The next time my addiction will be fed The next time i see you The next time i smile. But drugs cant say no Drugs cant choose not to be used And drugs break people and hurt people and ruin their lives But not you No not you You're a harmless drug The best thing i can have The best thing for me. So the moment i wait for Beyond the addiction Is the day you say that you're mine and i'm yours And at last For once I'll always be smiling And you'll be there with me And we'll always be high.

Living my life on imaginary clouds, Wishing upon imaginary stars, Looking forward to imaginary days With imaginary laughter And imaginary smiles What will it take for something to be real? For me to wish real wishes And the stars be real too, What will it take for you to see, My imaginary future is all about you? What will it take for you to see, You're the only one who can make it come true? But until that day when you make it all real, When my imaginary future finally comes I'l still be wishing for you deep in my heart And living my life on imaginary clouds.

Go to the forest of lonliness Where the wolves howl But the birds dont sing Where there is never day Only darkest night And every drop of rain Is the harshest poison Walk along the path of pain To the clearing By the stream of tears Thats where i'll be. See me curled up in my cage Razor wire surrounding me Beware the cratures that lurk near there To guard and mock every tortured thing Listen to my cries You'll hear them You'll see But will you be the one to rescue me?

Like the monotonous black of a midnight sky; split by a blade of murderous lightening, Like the daunting silence of a shadowy forest; broken by the howl of a hunting wolf, Like a never-ending insomnious night; scattered with haunting, vicious nightmares, Like years of hiding, fearing the worst; finally ended by ‘the worst’ coming true, Like an endless summer of an eternal drought; dying into a cruel flood. The pain inside, The aching within, And all you want is for it to stop, But not all relief is good, Not all relief is worth it. Like a day of self-hate and loneliness and shame; until at last the sting of a razor blade. Not all relief is good, Not all relief is worth it.

"And your arm I noticed Has that still not healed?" "Has what still not healed? My wounds Or my head" The slits in my arm Where the blood poured out Along with my stress My hate And my fears. Or the hole in my head Where the good leaked out And all that was left Was betrayal And loss. The place in my head Where good cannot live That longs for the pain The tears And the blood. Where the wounds in my arm Seem right somehow, Where even though i dont want it I still need the pain. "The answer is neither They both are still there Forever leaving the scars And the pain'

Jump go on why the fuck not you dont know whats down there jump anyway jump for the attention jump for the respect go on i dare you jump cos other people have jump cos u feel like it jump cos is feels 'right' you arent ready to jump but do it anyway you dont want whats down there but you want other people to think you do so do it jump jump cos your friend has jump cos she's happy jump cos we cried when she did it wont be hard jumping but down there it will be down there it isnt easy i can promise you but you think it is so go on jump feel what it is to jump to commit yourself to another life to plunge into darkness feel what it is to not be able to turn back but you will i can tell you will get bored of 'down there' you will want to jump back up but i'll be too ashamed of you then but what do i matter? jump anyway honestly do it i cant stop you i cant stop you lying to yourself i cant stop you lying to us all feel the hype feel the joy feel me hate jump along with your friends jump commit your life commit yourself you dont understand it you dont want it but that isnt neccesary right? wrong but do it anyway jump you arent ready for this no way but what the fuck jump so the date is set your ready to jump and im behind you all the way of course i dont agree but go on jump i'll pretend i'll cry i'll give you the respect jump youre all ready so jump all the people around you are excited so jump they wont see that you arent ready that this will all fuck up soon it wil mean nothing just like it means nothing now but what the fuck jump

I’m not gonna act like my life isn’t easy But I'm not gonna say it don’t rain I’m not gonna pour all my problems upon you If only to spare you the pain I’m not gonna say that I hate what you’ve become But I’m not gonna say its ok I'm not gonna blame you for all that has happened Cos I no you’ll be doing the same But if you could watch me cry at night And feel just how it feels Maybe then you’d realise how I can love you still Despite all the hurting and despite all the pain I will always love you and that will never change I'm not gonna keep looking back on what you’ve done Cos I no it will happen again I'm not gonna try and fight all of my feelings Cos I no that they wont go away I'm not gonna expect you to know how I’m feeling Cos it’s something I cannot explain I’m not gonna tell you how much you have hurt me Perhaps to save you from the shame If you could watch me cry for you And hear me as I pray Maybe then you’d realise how I will always stay Despite all the hurting and despite all the pain I will always love you and that will never change I’m not gonna try and hold you and help you If you only push me away I'm not gonna wait to be told I'm not wanted Cos I no that’s just what u will say But if you could watch me cry at night And feel just how it feels Maybe then you’d realise how I can love you still Despite all the hurting and despite all the pain I will always love you and that will never change If you could watch me cry for you And hear me as I pray Maybe then you’d realise how I will always stay Despite all the hurting and despite all the pain I will always love you and that will never change

Secrets Keeping a secret can end a life Sharing a secret can save one Finding out the truth about someone can send life into chaos Finding out the truth about yourself can do worse. As you hide from the world Saying you don’t care what people think But you do More than anything You don’t care what people think about the front you put on to the world Because you know that no one can touch you when that is what they see, you will always have a comeback But inside is a child Cowering from the world Cowering from what she never wants to be involved with But the front she puts up Wants to And will be So deeply involved with it, It will send her life into ruins. The secret of yourself Never shared.

How can you know what it is like to betray yourself? To give in to the thing you despise And not despise yourself for it. ‘It was just a mistake’ They say ‘Try to forgive yourself for it’ But you can’t, Because you know that what you did was completely deliberate And now impossible to erase. Tearing through flesh where before you had coated others with armour, Even against their will Crying and screaming where before you had blocked others’ tears and gagged their quietest murmurs Taking for advantage that they will give you sympathy Because you had once given it to them Expecting them to stand by you Even though you once abandoned them Betrayal, Hate, Pain, fear, despair The worst emotions and the ones you cannot escape

Ok, boring as this is, i have decided that this diary is gonna be for my poems and songs and crap. so ther are gonna be quite a few entries that i put in today, and then theyl appear on rare occasiobns wen im inspired enough to rite something xHUGx

Helpless Helpless pointless and useless How else can you feel? This is not an ordinary situation Not many see their best friend destroying herself in front of their very eyes Completely unable to do anything Where anything you do makes it worse Anything you say pushes you further and further apart. How can you not feel like you do not belong? Like you have no part in her life No matter how many times she says you do. Because you have no comprehension of how much hurt she experiences How much pain each day causes How she could possibly go as far as she does to feel better. All you can want to do is help But often she doesn’t want it She is set firmly in her ways. You try to tell her how much you care How you would do anything for her But she can’t receive it She can’t receive the help you offer. You hope to make a difference To be the one to truly help But eventually your existence fades You just blend in Become a part of ordinary life Like every other person who has tried and failed to end her suffering…

There she sits, no one sees her, They hear her murmur but do not care. No one sees how she bleeds and cries, Her soul battered and bare. And she knows she has not just cried, She has torn her own flesh and ripped out her hair. But still they walk past; they do not see her, No, they just do not care. She always takes it out on herself, Her arms and legs now coated in scars. And no one has noticed this lost lonely girl With soul battered and bare. Again and again she picks up the blade Again and again No one knows why. She doesn’t know that what she is doing is wrong She can’t see through her tearful eyes. Her thoughts concealed inside her head No-one knows the sound of her voice Her best friend is the blood she pours each day Battered and bare not by her own choice.

I lie in bed Awake Staring at the broken ceiling A surge of guilt and fear and worry hits me like a slap across the face It doesn’t want me to sleep It doesn’t want me to get on with my life and forget it all It hits me again But I won’t let it control me I won’t let him control me Not this time. He doesn’t deserve my tears, he doesn’t deserve my thoughts. I tell myself that he never cared That he used me as a poor distraction from his empty life, And that helps me to sleep That helps me to forget. He will not control me as he did before I will And soon he will be all he deserves to be An unwanted memory.

If you are carrying me through this, why am I still stumbling? If you are holding me so tightly, why am I still falling? If you are strengthening me, why am I weaker than ever? If you rid me of all my sins, why do they still haunt me? If you are all around me, why do I feel so alone? If you are lifting my feet from the floor, why are they still blistering? If you answer every prayer, why do I feel so ignored? If you love me so much, why do I feel so abandoned? If you make life so much better, why is it worse than ever before? If you abolish all pain, why does it hurt so much? If you are inside me, why do I feel so empty? If you want me to believe you are there, why won’t you let me see you? If you want me to talk to you, why won’t you talk to me? If you hear all I say, why can you not hear my screams? If you are the light of the world, why is it all so dark? If you are holding my hand, why is it so empty? If you protect me from evil, why is it all I am? If all I have to do is believe …why am I still here, asking?