I have another diary on this site which gets far more attention my me and marginaly more attention by the SitD population. I have had other aliases on thisthing as well. Long since forgotted and erased but I was just thinking that it's sort of funny that they all had a proximal loacation to my main diary in my mind. For instance the one previous to this was located directly to my left [your right] from the main diary whereas this one is located to the left but somewhat higher up like in the uper left corner of some imagined plane that contains my jorunals.

i am so glad people are starting to get back from the summer. it's like streaching after a long nights sleap in the middle of winder to the unexpected warmth of sunlight on your face.

I sit here topless reading words on a lit screen. That's what happens when I multi task, I forget things like getting dressed. I miss things sometimes, obvious things. But I still see more than anyone would expect. I anticipate moves and behaviors but I can't seem to put any faith in my preminitions untill after the fact. That's because I'm a sceptic and that's what we do. I have many journals on line and this one is read the least. No one comes here. If you are here consider yourself a no one. If my chest where a size smaller I would go topless all the time. I can say that here because no one reads it yet I type it because it is still out there in space with the possibility of being read at some time. I had a thought the othere day. If I died would anyone take the time to go through my wrightings? I have several old journals and some note books with ideas for this that and the other. A sketch book or two... would anyone flip through them or would they just be stashed in a box or tossed in the trash? would someone care about therandom valentine cards or calander pages saved in my desk drawer or would they assume that they had no more value than of what they are. What would they do with the half knitted scarf that has been that way for a year, or the tie on the door nob that has been tied in the same knot for 5 years since it was around Peters neck. They wouldn't care. To them it would just be some string... an ugly tie, some chicken scratch in cheep diaries,some worthless attempts at drawing... random bits of trash... but that is the evidence of my life my friends... odd little things like that. I could narrate quite a story about each individual object in my room at the moment. complete with rabbit trails... anyway I think it's time for a shirt...

This isn't what I came to say but it was just on tv but if Hillary became president I would have to move. That would then signify to me that the US is no longer the wonderfull country it has been and would not be worthy of my citizenship. I don't know where I would go but I would have to go somewhere. And I'm not joking. Now I've become distracted by the next story on stem cell research. GHAAAA this is sooooooo exremely simple that it pisses me off that there's even a debate. For those unfamiliar with the problem here it is. Stemcells are packed with potential they are a cell that can become ANY cell in the body. Scientists belive that reasearch on stem cells can bring about the cures or treatments of cancer, alztimers[sp?], and so much more. The richest source of stem cells is of course human embrios and thus the problem lies. Those aposed think that scientists will start breading human embrios to kill in order to suply their research. That would be horrible and I would not condone that... BUT that is not the ONLY place to get them. YOU have them I have them and they can be DONATED. True most of ours are specialized already meaning ours are more narrowed down to what they can become but we have some that are not specialized. Ok so the ones from fetuses are still the BEST for reasearch. Well one of the only garantees in life is death and babies unfortunately are misscarried every day. Spontanious unexplained misscarages that for many parents are traumatic and heart wreanching. A little bit of good could come from a sad situation like that if it was allowed that the fetus could be donated to sience like adults are ablt to do. My mom had a procedure that envolved a stem cell transplant. She was one of the first and it worked wonders for her. Do you know where they got the cells? from her own body! It was an increadible unbelievable experiance.

"She's the kind of girl you bring home to your mother she looks good in blue jeans even better under covers she's a devil in bed between the sheets ask her if she's a saint and she'll get down on her knees and pray yeah yeah yeah yeah" Blue Jeans by Silvertide I am the kind of girl you take home to your mother- except nobody does... anyway... night.

Sometimes I feel like things are shit. I can see myself being happy doing just about anything but yet nothing seems to fit I can't find my nitch or whatever. What do I do then? I'm out in the hills for a few weeks and I am loving it. I love driving these roads, I love the kicked back atmosphere the attitude of no one's in a hurry. But I also love the fast paces high production envirionment of the city where you have markable progress on a moment by moment basis. But then I love the farm life as well when you work out in the country getting dirty and solving problems watching things grow. I like being in walking distance of where I have to go- but I like to comute as well. I guess I like to do everything which you wouldn't think was a bad thing but it is because I don't know what I want most! Oh man and it is even worse when it comes to guys, I don't even have a type anymore I don't know what I'm looking for! Back at school I had my eye on this real "catch" of a guy. He would be my dads dream for me. He's attractive and layed back, he has a head for business and his priorities in order. He knows how to make connections and even better he knows how to use them. He makes me laugh and he makes me comfortable. Great guy, really he is. So ok, I get out here and who do I meet? A tall dark sexy construction guy who loves rock almost as much as he loves his tatoos... yeah he startled me a little at first- I'm not used to that kind but as soon as he smiled at me I had no fears. He is a real sweetheart. Last summer it was a wrangler who may or may not have been in complete control of his mental faculties [he wouldn't have known what that meant] before that it was a Bible geek who did devotions in greek six two and drove a red sports car. Before him it was a computer geek turned National Guard with a quick wit and the most addicting arms ever, befor him it was an MP who soon married my good friend, before him for the longest time it was an artist- a white rasta with emrald eyes and an imagination that entertained me for hours. the only thing these guys have in comon is they make me laugh and a few of them are geeks. They all make me laugh. I don't know what I want.

I was in walmart on friday getting junk to glue my friends rear view mirror back on. There was this side mirror on the shelf in a box and the picture showed the reflection of a rhino. I thought this was stupid and I commented to my friend, "Oh yeah when you buy this mirror you'll go on safaries because you will be just that cool." The net day we took a littl eroad trip and on the way bac we passd some bussiness establisment that had a big fake rhino out in front of the shop. I have habit when I am a passanger to watch the side mirror and there it was a freakin' rhino in the side mirror. Just one of those things that makes me think the world revolves around me.

a quote I picked up somehwere: " I hear you constantly expressing a desire to see a solution to the problem of evil around you. Are you not troubled by the problem of evil within you?" This was given as a response to the sceptics favorite question about -IF there's a God then...- Everyone alywas wants to know why bad things happen. Why is there evil out there? When they should be asking, "How do I get rid of the evil in here?" I don't know... just one of those things that makes you stop and think... thinking- remember what that is? Our society used to promote it now it is highly frowned upon. have an inspired day.

What is this education for? Why am I learning about biology and theology? Why do I write papers on Vygotsky and the influence of the socioeconomic status? I’m not complaining or arguing that there’s no point I have simply lost sight of what the point is. I was walking to breakfast, which I haven’t done in forever, and I was thinking about it. I had a strong desire to talk it over with him and see what he thought on the matter. I had been eating for a few minutes when I see him walking with a tray and then I realize that I hadn’t sat anywhere near where he would sit. He took his normal solo seat- the place he always sits when he plans to eat alone it’s freakin’ adorable. He whipped out a book and his glasses and had a very pleasant breakfast alone amongst a crowd- something very few of us enjoy. I think my company would have spoiled it; one gets so few moments to one’s self anymore. I am a silly girl at heart so I will tell you all what I would imagine for his and my future. We would get rich on one of his schemes and open a used book store and coffee shop to keep ourselves occupied. He’ll sit up in the loft with a late and something by Dante while I strum at something on my guitar. My parrot in the corner will improvise lyrics some of which I will keep. Him- “where have you been? I haven’t seen you all day.” Me- “Well maybe you should look up from that book I was here all day.” Him- “Yeah… I know but you were so far.” Me- “Baby, I was just down stairs.” Him- “I know. Why do you go so far away?” Me- “Cuz it makes you miss me…” I would say “off to dream land” but it appears that I am already there.

There’s this guy. So many stories that have a bad ending start that way. Some friend or other will come to me about a problem I ask her what went wrong and it always goes, “Well, there was this guy…” Well anyway, there’s this guy I have started to avoid and I had forgotten why because I like him. So tonight I had the opportunity to do something with him and I was thinking to myself sure sounds great haven’t seen him in forever! Man I remember now. It’s so not his fault it is all me because if he so much as smiles at me I am like no longer in control. If I am not around him I’m cool whatever, you know, but MAN. He’s got a literal fucking twinkle in his eye. I just am such a fool for him it isn’t safe to be around him. He says the things I am too chicken to. Where we are and with the rules we are subject to we hardly ever smell smoke or see someone smoking [it’s major taboo]. I don’t smoke but I like the smell of it and I have very pleasant memories tied to people and places that smell like smoke. We walk into a place that smells mildly of smoke [but strong to these people who never smell it] and he takes a deep breath and was like, “Ahhhh smell that?” heck yes I smell that. hmmm

She turned before getting in the car and looked at him. He had the saddest eyes she had ever seen. Suddenly they took on a seriousness she had never seen there. “C’mear,” he said. He pulled her to his chest and rest his lips on the top of her head, he held her tight rocking in an effort not to cry. She looked up into his face. She softly kissed his lips that were pulled tight against the tears. She repeated, “it’s ok,” several times before his hold loosened. He didn’t say anything as she got in the car. She looked in the mirror and saw him sitting on the curb with his face hidden in his hands. All she could think as a tear fell was, “Stupid boy.”

I consider myself a perceptive person. Rarely do I come across a guy who is instantly interested in me. But there’s this guy in my stats class [that I don’t think is attractive at all] who seems to have more than a passing interest in me. I don’t know what is with him he seems too shy to say more than hi to me and I have no desire to know him so that’s as far as it goes. He just watches me doodle in class and follows me out. I was thoroughly entertained last night at the movies when he saw me there. We were going along with the heard of movie goers, me with some friends and him with his girlfriend [I assume], when he saw me and did a double take. I acted as though I didn’t see him and laughed at the look on his face. He was just next to my friend so I could look at her and observe his expression at the same time. He lost track of what his girlfriend was saying it was great! This is a little twisted of me since I am taking pride/pleasure from this and I don’t like the boy at all but it gives me a sense of power.

Every now and then I peer into my empty tin box. It’s gold with colorful patterns of birds and flowers reminiscent of India. It’s an obsession, a compulsion, collecting things like this tin box. I love the sound it makes when it opens and this one smells like chocolate. What shall I put in my new tin box? I have one for change… I have one for letters… maybe I’ll put buttons in this one…maybe I’ll put my conte crayons in it.

I love hearing only parts of conversations. It makes the people more interesting… “I’ve been a nark since I was eight…” “Yeah well it would be different if I wore a belt…” “Next time he sneaks up behind me and does that I’ll…” that’s all I can remember at the moment perhaps I’ll add more. "I mean it's your room too and you have every right to pee loud..."

“Yeah she’s got it all together doesn’t she? We’re so proud of her… oh yeah she’s an independent one all right… well you know how she gets when she puts her mind to something…” A few see it- the truth that is. They keep silent about it and convince themselves they didn’t see the tear- I mean it didn’t actually fall. I’ve been on the verge of tears for nearly a month. I need a hug. I’m not perfect you know. Everyone else seems to think otherwise. I don’t want someone who thinks I’m perfect- I want someone who knows I’m not and loves me more for it.

So you know what I don’t like about the internet? You can’t laugh with people. Laughter is magic, it’s contagious, it seems to grow from nothing and it never stops it just takes breaks. Think about something that made you roar with laughter and you will smile and a short residual laugh is likely to escape and perhaps from that meager beginning the laughter will spark up again. You know it’s one of Gods gifts if doing it feels so good it hurts. So please join me as I laugh. [FYI I have a cute laugh I love it!]

My hands are always cold. I don’t know why that is. What will they all say about me when I’m dead? Do you ever feel like staging your death and then hiding in the rafters at your funeral to see what people think of you? I do. My sister ditched a dinner with my grandmother and I because she “had to work” it’s ten pm I highly doubt that she’s still out there showing vacuums- she doesn’t have that kind of work ethic. I browse SitD an find all these people who have strong emotional attachments to music. I find this fascinating. All over the internet when asked to describe themselves people tend to define themselves by the music they listen to. It isn’t good enough to say I listen to rock, country or what have you –no- they must list all of their favorite groups as though each group portrays some detail about them that can’t be sufficiently appreciated under the broad umbrella of a genre. Perhaps a completed list of a persons favorite bands at one point in their life could be used to analyze their personality or something. I don’t know… I’m starting to think too much. I need to go to bed so I can be rested for my trip to Frisco tomorrow. I love visiting San Francisco I love the buildings. I know not many people read this yet but if you happen to and you have been to SF tell me if you have encountered a particular bum who jumps out at you from behind two branches he holds. My friend and I have dubbed him “The Bushman” I have met two other people who have been startled by this entrepreneur and I would be fascinated to hear of others.

So, first entry… Let’s skip the pleasantries and get down to the nitty gritty shall we? I went to a wedding today for a childhood friend of mine. I used to have a major thing for her brother. I only say used to because I hadn’t talked to him in a year so there really is nothing there. I learned through the grape vine that he had a new girlfriend, ironically with my name. She had been pointed out to me previously so I knew it was her following him today. I love the way he looks at me- I had forgotten that look. I have probably imagined it but that’s ok by me. I walked in and his were the first eyes I saw that met me with recognition and that look- like he has no choice but to come talk to me. He came over to me with her on his heals and said hello giving me a hug. He’s famous for his hugs. For some reason an embrace from this man melts you. His hugs are like a stamp of approval. You work really hard to gain the hug at times you wonder if it’s worth it but then you get it; the peace and energy found in his arms is better than any drug. And once he’s given you his hug he won’t take it back. He may not see you for ten years but when he does he will give you that hug and suddenly you remember why you love him and why he could tell you to do anything and you would willingly obey. I’m addicted to his hug. He didn’t introduce her. He knows I don’t know her. So I pretended I had no idea she was with him and strategically placed my back to her and talked to him. If he were anyone else I would have asked him if she were a cousin but he would have seen straight through that. He would reply with something like, “Green is not your color.” One day it will all work out and he and I will get married. He just doesn’t know it yet. The last three years have been riddled with hindrances. Him going to boot camp, me going to school, one serious relationship on his part, my own personal demons. Mostly it is the fact that over the last two years we have spent roughly a month and a half in the same state and then a week of that he spent on duty two hours away. Damn I think he’s going to be 25 in a week. We’re getting old.