Heh. this is my first new post and only post. Step 1: Open up whatever MP3 program you use and add every song in your collection. Step 2: Put it on random. Step 3: Post the first line from the first 15 songs that play, no matter how embarassing the song. Step 4: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from. Step 5: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly. Step 6: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING! 1) I woke up in a dream today, to the cold and the static, and put my cold feet on the floor. 2) A cold winter sun, my feet underground 3) I can feel it in the way your blood and heart beats 4) So you think you can tell Heaven from Hell 5) She burns 6) When we grew up and went to school, there were certain teachers 7) Have I told you lately that I love you? 8) There's no one in town that I know, you gave us someplace to go 9) It's been such a long time, I think I should be going 10) There's a lady who shows all that glitters is gold 11) Like the sound of silence calling 12) All the times have come, here but now they're gone 13) On a long and lonesome highway east of Omaha 14) Here is your broken character, the one left of Heaven 15) City's breakin' down on a camel's back

I've moved to the blogging world. Sitdiary is now for me to read things like Carla's diary and Pat's diary :D.

Just waiting for the mother unit to come pick Theo and I up from the high school. We got out early because I hurt his shoulder...from the looks of it, I strained the muscles around the front of it. I was running a motorcycle (any of you who need to know, I'll show you. It's easier than describing it) on his right shoulder and hear a pop, then a groaning that wasn't coming from his throat. Oy...I've been told that this year I'm looking like a varsity, district or regional qualifying wrestler. We had a king of the hill contest with takedowns, where the two lightest kids wrestle, then the winner takes on the next lightest, and so on and so forth until the latest winner takes on the heaviest kid on the team. More to come later...mom's here. Back, Wednesday. I got a video game and an MP3 player for my birthday :). Ialso got a midnight call, which made me extraordinarily happy :). Things are goin alright over here, I guess. I made weight, weighed in at 138.6. Not bad, I suppose. I miss her. I don't know why I'm down right now, but I am.

I saved something on my Flash drive from her...and entry that just said everything I needed to hear. I started to get worried on Saturday night about something dumb that I shouldn't worry about. when I got home, I printed it out, and went to my grandparent's house. i stayed up until 2 am reading it over and over, smiling the whole time. I dreamt about her. They were really beautiful dreams. She has implied everything -- love, understanding, needing, desire, loyalty. I need to understand that about her. She isn't straightforward with her feelings because she never was like that. I might be, but I need to know that sometimes saying nothing means more than saying everything on your mind could ever. "I'm in love and I can't stop Would you kindly hand my heart Back to me so I can sign you up For the waiting list to start Letting me love you too?"

Not only did you use brackets (squiggly ones, or jay leno ones as I call them), but you also didn't space!!! Thank you for that entry, though. The meaning was nice :). Ok, not nice, but so much more than nice that I really can't put it into words. Perfect? I dunno. :) I have about forty minutes until the library closes, then we wrestle at 5:00 or 6:00, the latter I think. We won in quizbowl! :D Now hopefully we'll win in wrestling and I'll win a lot of m matches on Friday night! Wish me luck :).

"Imperfection is its own beauty in that when a man loves an imperfect woman, he knows he isn't dreaming. Since perfection is relative, it's safe to say that those men love their women as God loves his angels -- imperfection loves imperfection like perfection loves perfection." - John Entwistle Love will set me free. Sigh...and you used brackets, grasshopper. See, I use parenthesis! you were close, though, so effort points :).

Woot. Things are somewhat better than usual. Which means great.

"Let's split me open at the seams And rip out everything inside Make room for these new machines Sew me up, pray that I survive A brand new me, piece by piece. Stay here and watch me bleed Watch me see me, the Brand new me, piece by piece." Quiz Bowl Saturday went well, especially with me being the only member to show up to the whole shabang completely sober. Jess was hung over, Josh was trashed, Pete was dead from the night before. I guess they had a huge party. Even with that setback, we made it into the finals with 335 points, second overall. the first place team had accumulated 450 points in three rounds. It was bloody insane. Cat got back in time for finals, and PK let her take his place since he was sleepy. We ended up getting 230 points -- a team we lost to earlier got 45, and the team that had 450 to get into the finals had -20. HAHAHA!!! First place medal, thou art mine. As is my permanent place upon the roster for QB. After that, I called Car and we hung out at her house and Christmas in the Village. That night made me really happy. I don't know why, but I'm happy when I should be devastated. She isn't my girlfriend, but we hang out and have fun... and all my hope is poured into one phrase: "90-10." Otherwise, things were fun as usual at home. I got home, found that the cold had given me a sinus infectiony thingy that is whacking me right now, and took some moltrin. Hopefully I'll be healed by thursday. So, today I went to Gaylord with mum to do Xmas shopping. It turned out to be fun, though I slept the entire way home. I was exhausted. After all, I went to bed at 1:30, passed out around...um...2:30?...then woke up at 8. I've decided that my hope is my salvation. Paranoia changes everything The Panic has set my smile Can you feel the worry bleeding Through my lips, through the smile? Am I left to be here alone Drive the nail home to my skull Give me something to condone Leave me empty till I'm full Everything is fixing Fear and love are mixing What're the chances of turning When all my bridges are burning? Should I have left you behind On that day when the snow fell? Never think of me and save your mind Welcome to this my personal hell. It's yours too; I see it in your eyes People are crying -- the buildings are falling My father's become sick of my lies I've told him I love you without stalling Everything is fixing Fear and love are mixing What're the chances of turning When all my bridges are turning? Could I jump this pit? Could I have stopped it? Your arms are outstretched for me With some love only we can see. Are my bridges burning? Or am I simply turning Into a man I've never been? Into the love you'd scarcely seen?

I wrestled tonight at 140 pounds. It was rather fun :). I lost my first match to the eventual champion, a Varsity wrestler from Clare who beat me 6-2. I won my consolation match against another Clare alum by fall, and doubled that on my second consolation match against one of my teammates, winning by fall to get me into the medal round. I had to wrestle the Varsity second string (my main competition) for the third place spot, with the loser receiving nothing but praise of being fourth. I lost that match 11-5, though the score really doesn't do the match justice. I was told by a lot of people -- my opponent and the referee, to name the most important other than my coaches -- that if we would've wrestled a 6 minute match (2 minute periods) instead of a 3 minute, then I would've easily won. I almost caught him in good reversals about 7 times...each time the clock ran out or we went out of bounds. All in all I'm 2-2 with 2 pins -- one shot, one kill, I like to say. I'm satisfied with my fourth place performance, though I would've liked third or better. I'll settle for fourth on my first tourney though. :) There were other things aimed at people who left me notecards that told me how they felt. I just wanted to say that leaving those notecards for me made me extraordinarily happy and that I think I wrestled better after seeing those. Truly, my day was better after seeing that little display of affection and compassion. :) Other fun stuff -- meh, I did my Senior Project paper and handed it in...2 1/2 months late. I got a B - because of that. Otherwise, Ewald said it was eloquent, beautifully written, something he wouldn't expect from a smart ass like me :) (he was hopefully joking about that last part, since I've written a lot of papers he loved), then continuted to say "...when you turn them in on time they seem to get better grades." Gotta love me. I hope.

I hurt in lots of places, most of them located in my arms, back and legs. My face hurts too from being punched four or five times. Meh. Wrestling makes me happy because I get my dosage of pain, which makes me weird, which makes me loveable and nonchalant. Or I hope so anyway. It probably doesn't but who cares, I suppose. It isn't like anyone really reads this diary anyway.

There's a sense of closure now. I love her. That's a given. It's a different kind of love than it used to be; it's a friendship. It isn't lovers. It isn't husband and wife...it's just love for my fellow person. I don't know why, but I feel some kind of closure from this -- there's a huge weight off of both of our shoulders now. I don't feel so depressed. I mean, I kind of do since I obviously lost something dear to me, but then I understand that I've not lost anything. It's just changed into something else. I'm sad to say these things. At the same time I'm happy. My life is still confused. but then, whose life isn't? Why do I lie to myself? I do love her. I can't stop. It is the same.

I'm glad that SD has listless as a mood...I didn't think it would be on the list. I'm Sleepless in Roscommon. A lot of things are just assaulting me constantly...I don't really know what else I can do but go completely insane. Insanity would be a cleansing experience right now. Think of it! No wordly worries, no longer wishing to understand the critical wounds of "love;" no more hating myself for doing things against what people say; the voices in my head would laugh and cry and destroy themselves and I'd be whole again... Maybe I'm set for insanity. Set a course for bloody asylum, matey! Uggg...I think the turkey is getting to me. time to change this diary up a bit.

Secrets that I shall never tell till the day arrives when understanding smiles...I love it. I think my life is looking up. I don't know exactly how, or exactly why what happened tonight happened, but I'm not about to question it. I'm just happy that what happened did; I'm happy for the first time in weeks. Truly happy. Honestly happy. So happy I did a somersault.

It turns out that undergrad admission at MSU for 2005-06 is only $13,325 for a Michigan resident, which I am. this makes me extraordinarily happy...I mean, East Lansing isn't gargantuan, and I would like the campus. I could even join the sports teams if I wanted, like maybe football. I think I wanna try out for football at MSU :). Other news that is fun: I ended up weighing 139.0 when I weighed in tonight, with 11% body fat. That means I can most likely lose about 5 pounds, putting me at something like 134.0, which would make me happy. I'd love to wrestle 135 -- I'd probably kill half the kids at that weight, if not be a state qualifier. I'm a ton stronger than many 140s out there, so I can just imagine 135. :D:D:D Various Stuff Mr. Ewald was a nice guy and let AP English have a somewhat free day today. We talked about Medea, but directly after that, he told us that we were watching a film that had been made as a modernized version of the story. Of course, the Paramount screen came up, pulling out a few "HuH? Paramount made this?" Until we saw Charlie Brown invade the screen. :) I like that guy. Senior Project was also easy on us. I finished up the poster I had two days to make, then slept for aboot an hour. He knew that most of the guys in the class were cutting weight to make whatever at Alphas, so he went easy on us. We then found out that Carla had driven into a ditch while coming back. But overall, today was a happy day, even with the starvation-induced exhaustion.

I'm falling in love with her all over again. It's strange. We have this relationship that consists of flirting, messing with each other, poking fun, and sleeping while talking on the phone. It's a fun relationship...there's almost no seriousness to it. I think the only thing that is missing is that I can't tell her that I love her. Or kiss her. Or sleep with her anymore. I mean, I feel like if she finds another guy, it would be basically over. I wouldn't really want to wait while she's with another guy. I would feel so worthless if that happened; I wouldn't know if she actually wanted me in her life or not. I mean, I'd probably stay around and not say a thing about how I truly feel, but on the inside I'd be a broken, tormented man. I hope she says yes to coming back. I understand that she doesn't want that commitment, but I don't see how we could do that. There's a certain level of commitment there anyway. I don't really know what to do right now. I'm alone. I can't stand it. I miss her, and I want to be back with her so that neither of us has to feel that pain we're going through. God, if you're reading this, please let her come back to me very soon. In other news, DnD on Sunday has become so completely not fun. I used to love it, but now it's as though the people are exiling me. Nathan has been a good friend through all of this, and Ryan has been pretty supportive as well. Justin has done a lot, as has Phil, but I completely don't trust many others (I am deeply sad to say such). I feel like my seclusion is actually something I need, though. I don't know how many people I can trust, nor how many I can truly expect to see later. I have a good idea that Ryan will be coming to CMU with me in the fall, which means Wednesday will live on, but the others (with the exception of J & P, whom I'll get to later) are a toss up. J & P may be going to Northern or Western, which means I could probably visit them every now and again to relieve some stress with fun :D. I miss being carefree. I miss Carla. I miss a lot of things.

I have an ad that says "more than a wine journal." Well, sorry google, but this IS a wining journal. Or should I say whining?

I'm slowly turning away from Carla. Not so much in the sense that I'm no longer speaking to her, but in the sense that I'm slowly getting over her. Sometimes there are things I see about her that I miss, like when she was "splendiforous" last night about her paper. I think I more missed the fact that she was finally happy about something, rather than being completely miserable again. I missed that more because I missed her happiness, since she hasn't been happy in a hell of a long time. I hope she finds someone who makes her incredibly happy...she deserves it. Other news, I made a new song for Wednesday, called "Forgetting." I'm just slightly bored, but I need the weekend to wind down and relax. This week has been tough, especially with wrestling going on. I'm worried about weight, about finding a significant other, finding a niche to call my own in life. I'm worried about a lot of stuff. I'm debating between two or three other colleges, namely Pennsylvania State and Colorado State, with Minnesota and Southern California thrown in for the hell. I got accepted to Central, and if I can't afford the others I'll keep that. It's a good college too. I just need to see if there are any other opportunities to find my way into greatness. Peace and love. i need to finish my Senior Project...I'm on page 16, hoping to find something to send me to 30. Enjoi.

I like girls with Moxie. Moxie? you ask. Well I don't really know what moxie is. My friend Luey looked it up, and I've been told it means "gutsy, but cute and small; kinda of the little fighting dog of the world. Cute, loveable, sexy, but has a mind of her own." Makes sense to me.

I'm listening to some damn good music. things with the band are great these days; we changed our name to Wednesday. Not sure why, but it sounded cool. We have some fun songs, along the lines of: "Kyle is so dumb, even dumb people think he's dumb" "Curtains Blue" "Teeth" "Nonsensical Chatter" "A Binary Ode" "Medication" More to come. Wrestling is fun, but I'm ultra sore and need some sweet lovin'/ back rubbin'. I know that sounded dirty, and I meant for it to. :D I'm DONE for tonight. Well, maybe. ENJOI!