Before me is a portrait of a young woman. She is strikingly beautiful, her face lightly bronzed and her cheekbones shaded with just a kiss of rose. Her eyes are large and pretty, but dark and a little wounded-looking. She's not really smiling. Behind her is a background of burgundy and violet. Within this background, and over the girl's face, are crossing lines, like the squares on a sheet of graph paper. It's as if little parts of her have been painted on hundreds of tiles, and the tiles have assembled themselves to make this image. Except in the upper left-hand corner, the pattern breaks down. The tiles are scattered, the lines no longer forming perfect angles. The pieces seem to be falling, cascading into place. The girl is in the process of becoming a complete picture...And then I understand. I see it. The girl with the wounded eyes, the girl who doesn't quite smile, the girl made of a thousand pieces that are falling; at last, into their proper places...She's me

thank you for being there, thank you for being the closest thing to real i dont think you get it...im still here. why do i even care? why cant I just be happy... nothings really going downhill. suure, ive made some mistakes, but im learning. and so my friends are slowly dissapearing-but i will keep on living-right? something say im right. someone say taht i am right. becuase i need another voice, other than my own thats telling me im not alone-im not alone..no, i am not alone. and i need the heartbeat of a vessel thats true...cant all of you see- that i need all of you.. ::dont adore what is impossible::

so today when my brother called because my mom hates me to much to even hear my voice i just went and drove around and listened to my music really loud to temporarily drown out the voices in my head that tell me im nothing and tell me i need to bleed to feel again. and i wanted to cry so bad...just bawl and let it all out. but i couldnt just a few tears fell and i was already back home. so wut a waste of time and gas-right? i thought about calling someone because i was going crazy but who should i call?i thought...that boy..he could comfort me, but hes out of town. and tiffany..well shes at work, and even if she wasnt she wont answer the phone because shes too busy "working things out" with jeremy who could really care less about her. and everytime she calls me i drop wutever im doing to listen...because thats wut best friends are for right? right. so not having anyone to go to made things worse because i know its all my fault. i have messed up every friendship that was ever worth it. and i cant seem to stop. like the whole thing with leah for instance...wut was i thinking?! i need to stop thinking, right now. i cant and i wont. i just dont know how to deal. im sorry

So welcome to my "friends only" diary. yeah...those annonymous comments from my previous entry were actually left by my mother. yes, my mom read my diary. she wants me to rethink my actions? oh? and wut actions would those be mommy dearest? the drinking? the smoking? the having sex? using the lords name in vain? blah. so anyways, i must say, that miss.mandy has impecible taste...this ring on my finger is gorgeous. two thumbs up for her and for paffraths... i want the sort of things that happen only in dreams

will you leave ur name? i dont think you understand, that despite my knowledge and beliefs of everything...everything just isnt real to me. i still feel completely and utterly displaced, i cant help it. theres just some feelings inside that over come my every being sometimes and i cant control it. its like a tidal wave, and the memories swallow me up into a vast ocean of regret and remorse. i am the lost child. i will be alone in the end. HOME thats where the heart is and my heart, is so hard to find. im sorry, from the bottom of my heart, im sorry for everything. im a failure by design. the pressure is just too much...i cant measure up to any of you. and it hurts so bad...it hurts to know that this really isnt mine to claim. this is all just borrowed time. im living in someone elses reality. i need to find my own. ::i dont belong anywhere, and thats how i stay free::

you were right about everything...everything about me. i changed and im chasing unrealistic dreams simply to suit my materlistic desires. and i always thought that the person i was you despised, that the more i transform the more i would be accepted by you perhaps. But now i realize that the more i tried to conform to some image the more you pushed it away. i never meant to destroy myself, i never meant to make you hate me. But you had every right to. You were right... you, yes, you. sometimes you cant help but regret the mistakes you make

i knew there was something important i had to document...it must of slipped my mind. well outside looks distgusting...wheres the sun? where did it go? but its ok, i just have to hang in there...because i will be warm again and the sun will once again melt away my darkest depression. because im going to texas, arizona, and mexico in approx. 2 weeks if i remember correctly. are u jealous...cuz u should be! mmmmmmm sun shine, lollipops, and rainbows. so i dont know wut to do about this friend of mine...can i even call you a friend? do u remember i exist? i just dont know wut to do,because i want to talk to you and i want to hang out but im scared to even call you, afraid taht i'll catch you on a bad day or that i'll say something wrong. i just want to know that someone still knows me. ::it doesnt make sense that im living for something i cant even define::

i think i should pack up, its time for me to go. ive more that overstayed my welcome. So just let me get on my feet so i can walk through the door. But the longet i wait the harder it will be to leave.

well i dont really know wut to say but im so sick of anatomy right now im ready to shoot myself in the foot. wut the hell am i thinking? ME a nurse?! yeah its too hard. but anyways. i really hope i get to see some of you today that would make me so happy. its weird not seeing people on a daily basis, so come on someone..make my day. schaffino: im sorry i called you yesterday at such an inconvienant time. i was hoping to see you ... freeefallen: sorry for almost killing us, i promise to be a better driver from now on lol cheers: u are so great. lets get together pennylane: i dont think theres going to be anything tonight ...well like i said maybe a social gathering. but who knows, i ll call oyu. ::all the lonely people,where do they all come from?::

i cant believe what i did today Theres no time of day for the battle scars of a torn decision to go away. Worrying about the outcome of the wreck and the effect that you made. The battle raged within yourself for months, killing parts of you trying to win. You contumplate the outcomes and who to side with and what others might think. The false facade you put on to cover up the battle is thin. You hope the wreck wont spill to the outside revealing your pain. You feel that you are too tough for it, but you cant hide it, its disgusting how you treat yourself so badly just trying to win what isnt there. Locking it away from help, you call in allies to a boundryless battle. Nobody can help fight what they cant see. Scaring yourself for life with the burning mark of World War 3, but this war doesnt cross countrys of kill countless thousands. This battle is fought over nothing... inside yourself. The mark of the burn turns to ash. Finally the battle consumes your every thought and in turn you unleash the end, the bomb that ends it all... a knife to your wrist. so goboy-who are you? and why cant i read any of ur entries?

i need to stop doing this before work, it doesnt help me. do u know wut i hate? being alone. maybe thats why i do the things i do...i cant stand to be with just myslef and see the person that i am. anything that covers that up is beautiful....and i wont let it go. ::these wretched wretched substances that kill my insides::

so yeah, my weekend was ruined by this god forsaken snow. and i dont think ive ever hated it more than at this particular moment. i had an afternoon planned with that boy and i know he had something super special planned because thats just how he is....im his fucking princess. gaaah i hate the winter and if it snows one more time im going to slit my fucking throat. i know i shouldnt talk like that but ive been home for way too long and its been cold for way to long and i cant even remember wut real sunshine looks like...or trees that arent dead... the only thing that would make me smile is a flower and kiss

so how was third term for all of you kiddos? mine was grand. i slept till 10:30 then read that book i got at barnes and noble yesterday. and i missed pennylane...especially while reading because if i was at school i wouldve told you all about it. so yeah, ive read a lot about shattered glass and clay and i have no idea wut happened but thats ok. mmmhmm...today was so good to me. thank you day. friday was good to me too.and i said i would tell about it later. and later is now. sooo...yeah i guess i just got really plastered and it was fun. and i got really stoned. and that was fun. and i went to burger king really high and ive never been so paranoid in my life. i ended up passing out pretty early but that was ok, i woke up at like 4am with arms around me and i was like "wtf?" but it was nice because the room was cold. saturday i spent the evening with the "family" and took small children to the movie "racing stripes" and as hard as it is to imagine, that was surprisingly uneventful. sunday i dont remember a lot...i remember sleeping and going to that house and i remember laying in his bed telling him about my problems and him just listening and understanding and that being all i needed to make things better. yesterday i went to the cities shopping because spending money is the only thing that makes me happy and i spent 8 million hours in IKEA to only leave with candle holders and 2 pillow cases that dont fit. (n) definite downfall but shopping at FOSSIL was fun i got some goo d deals :) i got a new winter coat at GAP for really cheap and i like it a lot its very warm and comfy. and like i already said, today was good to me. anatomy and book reports. i am right above being below

last night was crazy and fun. too bad i had to pass out so early. or maybe it was a good thing? the number of beverages me and rachele spilled is overwhelming and i dont know how it kept happening. and britta was hilarious with her strip tease. tig bitter!! lol. other than that everything is kind of a blur. and i like how at 6:30 this morning the four of us were just passin a bowl around before perkins. well i will document the rest of my night later. and the other things that happened will be safely secured in a private entry. ;)

yes, thats right. i passed.

end these days quick like a song without a fade. stop the music. i don't want to live. unplug the amplifiers. cuz no one listens. delete the chorus. i can't sing it anymore. lonesome as a single small boat all alone on the vast oceans. hopeless as the last leaf in autumn when all the rest have already fallen. don't catch me. don't rake me up. just wait for the first snowfall to bury.

I dreamt of a fever, one that would cure me of this cold, winter-set heart With heat to melt these frozen tears burned with reasons as to carry on Into these twisted months I plunge without a light to follow But I swear that I would follow anything just get me out of here But you get six months to adapt and you get two more to leave town And in the event that you do adapt we still might not want you around But I fell for the promise of a life with a purpose but I know that that's impossible now And so I drink to stay warm and to kill selected memories cause I just can't think anymore about that or about him tonight And I give myself three days to feel better or else I swear I'll drive right off a fucking cliff because if I can't learn to make myself feel better how can I expect anyone else to give a shit? and I scream for the sunlight or a car to take me anywhere. just get me passed this dead and eternal snow cause I swear that I'm dying Slowly, but it's happening and if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere just take me there and say and lie to me and say and lie to me and say it's gonna be alright

my mind is overflowing with thoughts right now, as they spill out i hurry to try and catch them, some get away, some stay and i guess whats here is wut was salvaged. i hope you enjoy my mess. you must feel so special knowing that you can make me sick, does it make you proud to know that the lack of your phone calls can result in my sleeping in until late afternoon without eating without showering and crawling on my bedroom floor in agnoy? with my greasy matted hair and undesguised face i cry out and wish that you would still think i was beautiful when im not in costume. but this of course is too much to ask of you...poor baby who has been calloused by the world its not ur fault you cant trust-its hers. wuts her name again? that girl you love, the one you think about when i read you my poetry. when i speak of broken hearts and unfailing desire you picture her face...i picture her blood. and its most certainly true that i have lied to you but only because i know honesty is like a knife...i was just being careful, i was just being considerate. why would i want to cut you? i guess ive changed my mind cuase all thats spilling out of me now are verses as true as the bible. take it. shove it. devour it like you have devoured me. you monster...freak...how could you have the nerve to mess with me like she messed with you. and please, spare the oxygen and dont say a word. keep your mouth shut and not because your voice can make me quiver but because i cant stand the scent of bullshit.

this is the last thing that i write till you tell me otherwise and its because i just dont feel it anymore.

what wordsd can explain these emotions im distgusted with myself my lack of self control is bound to overtake me i need a savior i need deliverance-not captivity or protection i want a place to call my own-MY home. and that thought seems oh so hard to reach. all i can remember are days and nights when i understood that despite all the chaos and ruins i was someones child. and now ive become just a drifter... _____________________________________________ so this is christmas?