Okay so I havent been able to get into my diary because I had made it private and changed the password and then mistakenly forgotten the password all in an attempt to keep kevin from reading it because he had some smart ass remark in doing so.. So Here I am writting in here so I dont have to make a new account and I havent written a story in forever and probably wont since I know what grade I'd be getting on in stories from laurel in class. So today is bleh.. matt wouldnt shut up on the phone while talking to lexi and that annoyed me. cause Im trying to sleep. and the second thing is matt needs to stop reading over my shoulder right now. Then he's been staying over at my house for about the week, its been okay, he's been less depressive then he was last time he came over which is good.. I met two new guys. One is Elijah, who lives about six hours away from here in northern GA he's really sweet and I like talking to him. its just.. hard for him to understand that I like him.. Especially since its impossibel to explain internet crushes to people who dont have them.. I hate them.. then theres Tim, who lives somewhere about an hour near gainesville which is probably about two hours away from where my mom lives. so thats cool. I want to plan to see him. so yeah.. then so yeah.. Im really really hating the fact that I cant get into my diary, its almost sickening cause im going to have to update everything in it. ima post all these entries in it. and everything. so for kevin, i want him gone, he basically told me to get hit by a fucking bus and all that shit, only because I was making Elijah feel better. Well.. Fuck him, now Im getting feelings for Elijah and its none of his business. I dont want to see him, hear from him, any of that shit.. he knows I was hit by a car.. he knows that I dread it.. And he should get his information straight before doing shit like that to me.. so yeah.. I dunno I dont really know what to say right now.. I get the house to myself tonight. Hopefully. -Matti (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE SCOTT GET MY FUCKING PASSWORD)

another wake up but this time to the sun in my eyes and no happiness. I was still confused. And had two days to find out to move or not and it just got more confused by the minute...so I spent the day thinking....Josh didnt come by so that some what helped...walking to the closest gas station and back....bought me a pint of mint chocolate chip Ice cream and stayed home on the couch....the couch where we first had made love....I flip through the channels......nickelodeon....spanish soap's....nothing.....I turn to cartoon network to see that cow and chicken was on...not one of my favourite shows but it was better than latino women crying and the amanda show.... I sigh deeply and shut off the television....fixing my concentration on the ice cream that was barely touched and so much melting....I pull the spoon out and head to the kitchen to place the ice cream into the freezer..... picking up the phone and dialing six digits to Josh's number and hang up...I couldnt do it...I didnt know if he would want me back or if he would abandon me.....I had to think........and think before the hours were spent and I to return to Maine.......I loved him so much....but I couldnt remain calm....so I walk.... Hours I walk around the same block until I swore that the walking left footprints in the cement.... a car drives up beside me and my name was called....I didnt even know I had been crying the whole time while my eyes were puffy and red...and a river grew behind me... "Cody!?" I didnt even have to look up to know it was josh....I ignored and kept the walk.... "Cody....I love you.....please..just listen to me....I didnt mean to hurt you.....please?" I could hear that he was breaking into a cry too....and it hurt me....my neighbor Ms. Bennett stares at us....she had a look of disgust in her face....I could tell it was because us being gay....but my thoughts were fixed on somthing more......I keep my pace till I make it to the corner...and stop.......Josh stops to as if he had a connection by heart....."Cody you dont understand....." "I do Understand Josh!" I turn to him and I notice that he can see how much pain I was in... "I dont know...im to confused,.....I cant think and I just wish it would be easier on me...." I look up and wipe my eyes.....I knew he was staring at the ground..... "if you dont love me....I understand...." that was the last I heard of josh .....he drove off and I follow him with my eyes.......heading back home to lay on my bed and wish life would end....I didnt eat....I didnt sleep....the whole night was wasted with just thoughts of him....and what to do....I had one day left....and I couldnt decide with my heart in one place and my mind in the other.......... I shift myself off of the bed and to the bathroom...I dont know how long it was since I cared about my hygene.....but I was to leave that afternoon to the airport.......I walk in and begin to strip down to my body....it was tattered from how much I cared for it these last few days..I was too busy admiring josh to care....but now I had nothing to admire so I just hopped into the shower...the water burned against my skin as I skrubbed every spot of dirt upon my body......I made sure I was perfect even though I had no one to impress...I was back to the way things used to be......I walk out of the shower minutes later and watch as the steam follows along like a lost dog....pulling out my uniform for the college....and quickly get it on....and packing the other three uniforms for the next few days in my suit case and headed out to the car.....on the way I stop by josh's house...I waited in the car right there in front staring for a reply.....but it seemed he wasnt there......I tilt my head down in sadness and forward my car to the airport...... "Plane A is Now Boarding" the intercom announces as I park into the parking lot and make my way to the check in counter.... "you will board the airplane over there"...she points to area C....and I head that way......looking at a pay phone during the walk to the line....I have only one option left.....so I finally decide to pay the quarter and call josh's house.....it rang for hours it seemed as my heart dropped every tone it made....finally I hear the answering machine pick up...and I felt so utterly depressed and miserable..... "hey you reached Josh....if you would do so...leave me a message and I will get back to you asap!" ".........Josh?.........im so sorry I was like that...I love you......and I dont want to leave you.....I am off....I dont know if you would want to talk to me ever again....but...I will never forget you......" "Airplane C to Maine is now boarding....." "Thats my plane....I..I guess this is good bye....."I hung up and began to board the airplane crying....I attempted to hide it but with all the couples and such on the craft....it wasnt a possibility...... ".....bye my love.." josh says to himself holding tightly upon his couch when he hears the answering machine stop.....the couch was soaked and he couldnt do anything to stop it....He had let his love go....and there wasnt a thing to do ........but lay there crying......forever......

It seemed not even minutes before we reach his house this time. I liked his house.3 stories with a basement. I always wanted to consider moving in if I ever had the chance, but it was never given. He grabs his keys and heads for the door..I on his tail. He walked fast, as I just noticed that. And I didnt care how fast he was because no matter what..I could see his ass, t'was a nice ass. Didnt know why I havent grabed it yet. I shake my head and watch out for where I was walking.We stand upon his porch right under his balcany.I was a little jealous that he seemed to be richer than I.He always was...since we were little kids together. But I didnt mind it much...it just made me feel poor... He walks to that same lamp he turned on just the other night....and his house was so clean..I was afraid to sit or anything...but I didnt need to...he turns around to me with lust in his eyes...and he kisses me...tongue and all...just the usual...how I loved it.....he tasted so great to me.In fact nothing about him tasted even distinct to nasty... he rubs the back of my head while holding my side....and I move my hands upon him....grabbing his ass...I didnt know how good his ass felt...but he seemed to like it when he groans into my mouth. I notice him pull away.... "aww what did you do that for?" I ask pouting and watching him form the words to explain... " just a moment hun....I need to do somthing" I stare at him in amusement...he pulls his cell phone from his back pocket and up against his ear.Apparently it was on his speed dial since there was no pause with the phone going from his ass to his face.... "May I speak to megan?" I hear him say as he turns away....a grin forms on my face and I turn to right behind him... "hey megan...I need to talk to you.....yeah I can wait..." he puts his hand on the reciever "she just got out of the shower" he tells me and waits for her responce again..".....hey...well anyways back to what I need to talk to you about.....I........I cant marry you..." I hear a loud what? on the other side of the phone and could tell that Josh may go deaf from that one...."Hunny its...its just.....im....." she starts yelling again" MEGAN! I AM FUCKING GAY!" I was over joyed and yet sad he had to yell.....i could hear her gasp and hang up....I turn to josh... "......josh?....." i wisper in a soft voice barely noticable hoping he wasnt mad...he turns to me....with an expression of nothing....I loose a tear down my face....and he shows a sign of concern "..cody....dont worry...I love you...." he wraps me in his arms and holds me...kissing me on his forehead...I could swear I have never seen him that angry before...but i dont know if i deserve him this much.....i dont know....i just bawled right there in his arms....safe from harm...at least I hoped.......he walked me to the couch and we sat there for who knows how long...but I didnt look up until I was dry....and his shirt was soaked.... "im sorry......" I sniffed at him kind of laughing when looking down to the wet..... " its okay...as long as your fine I am happy" he smiles and takes off his shirt and walks off to retrieve another....I just turn in the couch and grab the remote...flipping through channels to stop at infomercials that looked interesting....Josh came back five minutes later.... "I want you to live with me" he blunts out right there standing infront of me in the way of the television which I just turned to southpark.......I stare at him speechless....I didnt know what to say.......of course I wanted to say yes....but I couldnt....I had a big college I needed to finish...I didnt answer him...and it concerned him more.....silence is worse than a no........ "I......I................josh...i dont know what to say..." he looks puzzled and it turns into a depressed face..... "just say yes...I dont want to live without you any longer...you have been gone for two years at that college in maine and what does it do to you? make you lock yourself away in your dorm waiting for life to return...I love you Cody...I dont want you to leave....".....I begin to cry again..all emotions built up and I started to breath hard.. everything blurry.. I had to excape..and so I run out.....leaving ....running away...I had no car with me so I just walked...I couldnt pick...of course Josh was my love...but my college would consider my future...I know it should of been an easy answer....Josh of course...but I dont know what was on that campus that made me want to stay with it...I hated to be so confused I cried myself all the way home....and I left josh there.....I dont know how he feels anymore...all I know is that I went to sleep with the phone ringing all night long........

as we left into the blank of the coming night...he holds my leg and I stare at him... the way he sat there so calm and so steadily made me happy to be with him....I turn on the music to relief the silence that started to get me kind of that awkward feeling you get when talking into a crowd and then suddenly everyone shuts up..I didnt like that. "Hey Josh?" "yeah?" he replies in his calm voice "did you ever tell your girlfriend about us?" I stare at him in deep concern...he turns to me... "I tried...honestly...but she wasnt home to....im sorry....want me to tell her tommorow?"....I sigh...i really didnt want to be a secret from her anymore....I wanted to be able to be together where ever possible...anywhere possible...but it wasnt an option... "I really wished you would of gotten her today...but tommorow will work" I tell him...even know it wouldnt work...but I left it at that and watched him turn back to the road....he was extremely hot....even if he wasnt dressed to look perfection...even in tattered clothing he was perfection...and I wished there was a way for me to tell him that...but there wasnt....so I leave it as a kiss upon his cheek and I start to sing along with the radio.... "Ive Become so numb I can feel you there...become so tire...so much more aware..." I began....josh smiles at me.... "what!!!! you dont like my singing?" I complain in sort of a childish pout..... " of course I like your singing...Ive never heard you sing before thats all".........I smile at him....and look at the small sticky calendar upon his dash board.....I was to move back to Maine in only a few days...I didnt want to...but I had to go back to college....I may have a a house here with him but school was important...but important as josh is the question...I would have to see...it would take a few days...and thats all I had...... we arrive at a rave....called Stained Glass....I went there with him a few times in the past....he always picked up girls...I wonder if he was bisexual....it didnt matter....I am teritorial and he was mine......exiting the car we head up to the bouncer and show our Identification cards....I hated my picture...I looked like I sneezed...and the guy takes two looks before allowing me in....Music and dancing everywhere...I had no time to look around before Josh takes my hand and we head to the floor....dancing...I was never a good dancer but he didnt ever care about how I danced as long as I had fun....he moves his back to me and I knew I was getting turned on...and he knew it too....he felt me....and as soon as he brushed his hand against me....I had an awkward sensation turning me chilled and cold....and I liked it....I liked it so much I grab his hand and run with him to the bathroom.... "empty" I sigh as I pull him in and lock the door..i press him against that same door and begin to kiss him....longingly I kiss him and I knew he liked it too for he grabed my waist...and I hold one arm against the door certain I didnt want to fall on him...the other hand made its way to his pants...where I felt he was extremely hard...not a single drink and I didnt know it was possible......he moves his hands from my waist to my belt...and begins to open my pants...certain he was going to get them off....he tilts his head down out of my lips and fixed on my pants... "here lemme help" I reply opening my pants for him....he grinned and just pulls them clear down not caring what evidence fell out of the pockets....I tilt my head back as he starts to lick my legs...it felt so cold when he left a spot..i didnt care.....I was horny and wanted him..........Josh removes from below and kisses me again.... "my turn...you did it last night" I breath to him and he nods in a reply......I lift up his shirt and begin to lick his trail from his belly button to the top of his pants...where I planned ahead and taken the liberty of removing....I feel his hard cock inside if his boxers....and I couldnt resist...I pull down the shorts to reveal my estimation from last night was correct...he was huge...and I liked it.....I grasp him firmly with one hand and move in...not even taking the time to breath.......He tasted so good to me...i couldnt believe it....only 15 minutes of this taste and several bangs from the out door and he arches back leaving me a new taste in my mouth.....I clean him...it was a first for that taste but it wasnt half bad....I lean to him...pulling his shorts up and going to kiss him.....he was so relaxed in my arms......I was good apparently when he stuck his tongue into my mouth and practically murmured thank you into my lips....I smile and we pull our clothing back to its origional places....leaving the bathroom with huge smiles on our faces and holding hands..the people in line look at us disgusted....but we looked satisfied....we part from the rave not even staying for another dance...but oh well...we still had fun......

I wake up to the shifting of his arm against my body.... I open them to see that he was watching a movie.... Finding Memo to be precise...I rise off of him. "Hey baby. I'm sorry if I woke you" "its okay. I wont go to bed at night if I stay resting during the day" "well still...your cute when asleep" I lean in to press a kiss to his lips...and he holds me tight...I felt as if no one in the world could break the love for each other...I grasp him hand with mine and kiss it...and he just smiles into my eyes...I felt our soul intertwine...and I loved it...I loved it so... " you wanting to do something tonight Cody?" "Yeah sure...anything with you" I reply and I ment it.... I would do anything with him...even leave the face of the earth with him... he holds me close and I relax upon him... "I'm hungry" I say ruining the silent of love.... "perfect...me too...want me to make you something?" "Would you?" "Of course...anything for you" "I move up so he can go over to the kitchen...I turn to the movie...it wasn't something I really enjoyed before...but if josh liked it...I liked it.... I could hear him shifting through the cabinets looking for plates and other kitchen items.... "I'm making hot pockets...that's like the only thing I can cook" "fine with me..." I laugh into my phrase.... he wasn't the one to cook...but I still didn't care.... he was perfect... he walks back minutes later with one big plate and two glasses of milk.... "I figured you might like a drink being you were asleep all day" " thank you..." I grab the cup and place it upon the coffee table.... he sits aside me to were we are side by side again.... and we begin to eat... " not half bad" I comment being funny yet serious. "Oh gee thanks" he jokes with me.... I just stare at him...and after finishing my third bite I kiss him... "man" he whispers..."you taste better than these cheap ass things I made" I smile into our kiss and continue.... until we both gasp for air.... I couldn't help but feel sorry for him and I gather him into my arms and let him lay upon me... back against my stomached he lays there...finishing his food...and I just look down at him while he laughs at the movie...I loved the way he laughed.... he was so cute...everything about him was cute...I lean in and kiss him upon the forehead and return to my food.... hours went by us sitting together enjoying each others company...even though we barely could keep us off one another... he gets up and walks over to get his coat....he stares at me with his beautiful brown eyes "aren't you coming?" "Yeah one second" I head to my room...grabbing my shoes and go back to the door...he had my coat up in his hand and we exited...leaving the TV on and everything.... but it was my bill so I didn't mind...as I said many and many before...I loved him and didnt care.... we get into his car and we head off...off into the falling darkness that was soon to blanket the earth, and how beautiful it was to see the neon pink light ahead of us on our way to where ever he was to lead me...

I wake up to an empty bed beside me...but I knew he hadn't left...the water was running in the next room over. I could hear his singing...and it made me smirk a little as I retrieve our clothing from the living room... and walk back into the bedroom to see josh standing there in a towel.... he looked so cute wet...with his hair aback and him standing there...I didn't even need him to ask when I reply. "Okay hold on I will get you some" he smiles "thanks Hun" "anytime" I go to the bedroom dresser drawer.... a shirt. Pants...boxers...perfect. I hand them to him and he smiles back into a reply... "I'm to take my shower now...leave me any water?" " I think so...but if I didnt. I'm apologizing early" I make a small laugh and move over to kiss him...I attempt to move away and he holds me so I cant leave...I smile into our kiss and he starts to add his tongue again...he tasted so good to me...I didn't want to leave but just when it started it was over.... and I was heading to the bathroom door. I add the contents of soap and grab my toothbrush...I was lazy so I always did that...brushing my teeth in the shower.... turning it on I hear a ramble in the other room. I laugh to myself.... I didn't know what he was doing neither did I care...I loved him and that was good enough for me... "CODY!" "Yeah?" " I'm putting something into your drawer if that's okay with you" "be my guest...not like anyone else lives here" I stay about another 15 minutes in the shower and walked out dragging along steam and mist.... I see josh walk past the bedroom door outside and he is carrying stuff along in his hand.... he turns to me and smiles.... and onward he goes back to it...I look out of the door to see that he was cleaning... "awe josh you don't have to do this" a brief minute of silence and he comes back from the farthest hall. " But I want to...I love you so much" I was touched and I hold him in a hug...he was so perfect...I lay my head upon his shoulder while he filters through my hair.... "I love you..." he breaths into my ear.... and of course I fall for him even more than ever.... he walks me to the couch and we sit together... "Do you want anything to eat?" He asks staring at me with concern that I might be starving... "A little but I can survive." " You sure because I don't mind ordering out" a grin makes its way upon my face...to see how cute he looked when he looked so caring and concerned. "I'm sure" "okay" he whispers as he turns to the television...I didn't care what was on...I just wanted to lay there on his shoulder in piece...apparently I was still tired.... because I feel asleep...and the last thing I remembered is his moving his hand through my hair.... and he kissing my forehead.... I was honestly perfectly happy....

After some minutes we pull up to my place.It was nice in the night...you couldn't notice any of the screw-ups. We head to my door and I search for the keys that I instantly remember leaving in my back pocket. I grab for them and look back to josh.... he was staring at my ass...I smile and retrieve the keys...unlocked the door and step in. Placing myself on the couch.... josh turns on the lights...I moan a sigh and rub my face with my hands...he turns to me. "What would you want to do?" " I have no idea...what time is it?" I ask as I turn to my watch... "quarter till 1 he tells me" "thanks"...I smile and he comes to sit right next to me...so close our sides are touching. But I guess he ment for it when he started filtering through my hair and presses his lips to mine moving his tongue through both mouths...memorizing every inch of it.... I become hard again.... I notice his hand is right by my cock and I start to blush...apparently he knew since he tried to unzip my pants... "are. Are we even ready for this?" I ask him as I move only half a centimeter away from his lips.... "of course" he whispers to me... and I fall for his hot voice.... I lift his shirt and he moves back to take it off...his body was so hot...not too strong...not to weak...I loved his body...and now I could see it whenever I wanted instead of waiting for the summer...I rub him all over.... one hand on the back of his head and the other upon his rib cage... he still was trying to take down my pants.... so I finally give into it and let him have his way.... I unbutton my pants and pull them to my ankles...where josh takes it from there.... our shoes were moved on entrance so it wasn't a hassle for that...he pulls the legs of the pants clear away from me...and left was my shirt and boxers.... all he did was a motion and I went tending to the shirt.... as soon as having it off...his pants were gone too.... I could see his whole body.... even his erection in his boxers...I longed for him forever...and I finally could have him...he moves toward me and I hold him while he kisses my neck.... I breathe deep.... in a sense of happiness and concentration...concentrating on his boxers.... I move my hand inside them.... nine and a half I estimate.... it was perfect...his size never mattered but nonetheless it was something worth finding out.... I pull him off of me...and I stand up.... looking longingly into his eyes... "I'm sorry...I.I cant do this" "its okay Cody...just leave everything to me" he leaves me that pout I couldn't resist but make happy again.... we walk to my room.... and upon my bed.... he lays on me.... moving his lips from my neck to my chest and from there on to my boxers...were he licks me through them.... I let out small moans of happiness and he finally takes me through the hole in them.... he grasps me firmly and starts to kiss and tongue me.... I was over excited and only minutes after he started It was over.... he licked me clean and I went to return the favor but he shakes his head no....I give him a concerned look and he just lays his head upon my chest...while I play with his hair...I stare into the ceiling...I was happy.... and that's all I needed to know.... but tomorrow was another day and he will tell his fiance' about me...

.... Darkness was blanketing the surroundings as josh was walking steadily across his house careful of knocking his memento's and such.When he reached his table...he didn't even give time for my eyes to adjust.And blinding it became as I stood outside his window...admiring him...every inch of him...How I wanted to love him so. But news was he wasn't gay and was planning to get married in 3 months...I despised that... I part away from his window and up to his porch. Ringing the doorbell and watching his shadowy figure come across the tinted windows of the door. He opens it with a smile to great me. "Hey Cody"... "hi" I had replied back...trying to knock off the dirt evidence that had shown on my knee's. "Ready to go to that party? I hear there are alot of chicks" "I guess" I reply, not caring that there were girls there.I turn away and heading to his car...I liked his car...it was very comfy...many images would go through my head as he and I were in the car together...alone...he turned on the music and started to reverse out of the yard. "Haven't seen you in a while......since you moved to Maine and all...I missed you" I took that as an approach and kind of smiled at him. "It sucks up there....I cant see you." He gave me an odd look of confusion and maybe a little of disgust. "Any girls up there?" He smirks a little not knowing my secrets for him. "None..." "none? What do you mean? You have to at least of seen one hot girl haven't you?" "Nope" "well if you would just get your head out of your ass and leave your home then you would be able to see some" "Josh....there is something I have to tell you.... we have been good friends for a long time and all...I don't want to wait any longer" just then josh pulls up the a house filled with lights and smoke with people entering and exiting... "can it wait? We are going to have an awesome time dude." " fine..."we walked up the steps of the so-called party...people were drinking and smoke was flying...we couldnÂt see a damn thing...or at least I couldnÂt. "Josh. I...I can't see" I attempt to tell him as I cough a little from the lack of air going to my lungs. He grabs my hand and pulls me to another room.... less smoke...but still the same amount of voices and figures. "That better?"He says to me as I want to look into his eyes...he never let go of my hand...and this was a little confusing. "I will be back later...you have some fun" I just nod and watch him exit the room...while three girls walk in. "uh...hi.... my friend wants to know if you will dance with her." I look taken back and watch as the three girls are right behind me... "I'm sorry...I." I had to think of an excuse fast...something quick...and just then.... josh comes back looking for more girls I suppose but I did the only thing I could think of..."I'm gay...and this is my partner" I pull over on top of josh.... what the hell was I thinking. I couldn't concentrate...but the girls did leave me be... josh stared.It wasn't a stare of hate or anguish but.... it looked to me like...lust... "finally" he said and he presses his lips tightly against mine...I couldn't breath...but I got what I wanted.... he kissed me like he was holding back for his life and finally just let go.... I urge him off of me...and he makes a small pout upon his face.... I smile... "why didn't you tell me Josh?" he shrugs " I didn't want you to be straight and me be confused" I smile again...I was so happy... then it struck me...he was to get married and it was a girl... "what about your girlfriend?" but it seemed he already had the answer. "We never had the chance to talk and me tell her...I don't know if I should...." I turn in a kind of sadness...head tilted to the floor...and he moves his hand up to greet my chin. And he pushed my eyes back into alignment with his..."its okay Cody...I will tell her as soon as possible if you want me to..." the sadness faded almost instantly and in its place was successful happiness again... "since we found who we are looking for.... want to head back to my place?" Josh nodded and we started to exit...josh grabbed my hand again on the way out...I over loomed with excitement...too much I guess because my pants were getting a little tighter...we escape the fog and back to his car.... were I couldn't keep my eyes off of him...and he began to leave.... "You're beautiful"...I told him...and he smiled at me... "well your more beautiful" he looked at me...a lot.... but luckily the road was empty and he was going straight.... "we going to have a competition now are we?" "Maybe so" he grabs my leg."Maybe so..." I didn't say anymore after that...I just admired his existence...and I watch him watch the road...I thought of being jealous that he would pay more attention to an inadament object than to me...but figured none the less, he needs to.... or he might loose me....