I'm torn. To voice my feelings. My fears. Or. Remain silent. He doesn't need it, in all honesty, to defend himself to the one person he shouldn't have to. To dig all that back up again in the face of my insecurities and lacking confidence. It changes nothing, in the end. How do you hold up against something like that? Something he's going to second-guess until the end of days. Something he can't quite let go of... despite himself, I suppose. How do you hold yourself up against something that hovers on the edge of 'what if'? How do you hold yourself up, and believe you'll come out the one he wants?

How do you rebuild burnt bridges? You can't knock them down to the foundation - those charred remains are surprisingly resiliant. Do you hack away anyway - trying to lay it all back to that foundation that meant so much to you? Or do you pick and choose which beams need fixing first? Keep the ones you didn't mean - preserve the ones you supported with your whole heart? And what if you're the only one working on it? Stuck on one side, desperate to reach the other, knowing that there's no one reaching back to help you? And what about the bridge? Is it doomed to be a weaker vision than the original - for all time? Or does it somehow come out stronger for the whole thing - if cracked and worn? Only one way to find out.

NAVC.... short for something I can't exactly remember right now. (Watch it be really easy.) What it basically means is a weekend in Orlando with cool peeps, meeting cool peeps, doing cool things, and learning how to do my job better. I love my job - so learning about it is not so much a chore, for those of you out there wondering. Plus, Saturday night, Rae and I are going to Arabian Nights - yay for horses and booze! Wish me good behavior, I doubt I'll be able to maintain. :P

Been a while... Like you haven't heard that before. So much nothing to catch ya'll up on, where to start? Cliff Notes anyone? Got the job at the horse farm. Didn't last too long, as the people were running it as a hobby instead of a business, not where I wanted to be in the horse industry. (Who keeps their stallion in a paddock sharing a fence with their broodmare pasture? Honestly.) Spent about a month and a half unemployed, somehow managed to keep up with the bills without borrowing cash from anyone. Credit cards, however, are still drowning. Gained back all the weight I lost working the farm. Got a new - great, and hopefully permanent - job at a vet clinic. Working receptionist right now. Boss keeps hinting at something more - keep your fingers crossed. Six-month relationship came to an end, oh, two days ago. I gave myself this weekend to mope, as of tomorrow, I'm over it. Pussy. (Him, not me.) More detail as the news happens, folks. Much love.

Been a while... hang in there... I'm coming back.

Ok.... so.... things are finally starting to look up a little bit on the Tammy end. Just a little... knock on wood. The baby brother.... and by baby, I mean one year younger than me and half a foot taller... is in town and it's been great so far. The god parents are coming in this weekend and we're all hitting up the House of Mouse (ala Disney) either Saturday or Sunday. The boy has never been to Animal Kingdom and they've finally opened their sweet new roller coaster that I must force him to go on at least twice. I managed to snag a sneak peak of Expedition Everest a couple weeks ago, since I'm a passholder, and I can't wait to hop back on that thing! So yes, this weekend promises to be fun.... provided my mom and dad can remain civil to one another.... but we're not even going there. The best part about this weekend is I might not have to feel guilty about the money I'll end up spending....why? I have an interview tomorrow at 7 am for a job. And not just any job. An interview for stablehand/groom at a local Arabian Horse Breeding Farm. My dream job. With the opportunity to work up to assistant trainer. They've already got National Top 10 horses, and a stallion double-bred out of Khemosabi lines.... pray I don't fuck it up. Wish me luck guys!

Nothing new to report on really. No inspired prose this time folks. Still job hunting. Apparently, I need a swift kick in the ass.

Sorry for the long absence all... lot of shit going down. (Note that buried in that short setence is a long, eloquent, and profuse apology to Dania. ^^ Sorry, hun.) Most recent happenings: 1. Bought a new car. Yay me! Viktor is a 2005 Chevy Cobalt LS. 2. Was invited to be in the wedding party of a new dear friend. And I won't be wearing pink. 3. Got fired by the asshole boss. Lodged a complaint with EO. Could care less except that now I have no cash incoming and a new car to pay off.... wish me luck. More later. Promise.

Lessons learned in the past few weeks: Not all ER doctors are cute....or nice. I am the queen of picture hanging. I am the queen of hanging myself out to dry. You never fall out of touch with true friends; you just go through periods of 'busy-ness'. So, let's see what's been going on with me in the interim.... not too much to be totally honest. Work is work....but getting better. Turns out I have more friends here than I thought. Also turns out that the people I think are morons ARE morons. Nothing makes you feel better about yourself than being justified in your disdain for another human being. Going in for the driver's license this Friday. (I know, what loser 22 year old doesn't have a license - piss off.) We me luck - it's crucial at this point that I do pass. Why? you ask.....well.... JACON 2006 baby!!!! April 28th through the 30th yours truly and a Miss Amy-licious will be living it up at the convention to beat out all conventions. In my area anyway. Costumes? Yes. For both of us. And yours truly is gonna make one hot guy. :P

Two down and one to go. [Yes, my birthday counts as a National Holiday....in my house at least. :P] My birthday was fantastic - my little brother was in town and he brought his long time girlfriend that I hadn't met yet. And.....drum roll please...I actually like her. This is a first. Let's hope he's not an idiot and keeps her around, hehe. Mom got my the iPod Shuffle....I love this thing. I'm listening to it now. My bro got me tickets to the Lippizan stallions - haven't been to see them since I saw them in Spain circa 1991. And The Girlfriend got me fantastic stationary (my bro told her I was a big letter writer, but she picked the stuff out, so bonus points to her). Dad got me a oil painting of my Bandit (a cat) for me...which I love since Bandit is getting very old...17 this coming May. Christmas was even better - the Godfamily (as in Godparents, etc - not the mafia.....though they were invited, assholes) was home and everyone was together and having fun. [Only in my house would the Harry Potter Scene It? game become a liability to your health.] So this weekend it's the Lippizan stallions and then New Years in Jacksonville with an old friend who will be in town. I'm looking forward to getting smashed...and resolving never to do it again. Until next year. :P

What would you do if: After calling you to a building five blocks away in the middle of your work day, knowing full well that you have no car, your supervisor looked up at you as you entered his office and went - "You run over here?". Fuck you, Lamothe.

Finally......I can relax. No more stressing out about shopping. No mor stressing out at work. No more anything.... except a good Christmas Eve...and an even better Christams tomorrow. I'll update more tomorrow - it's time for breakfast and board games.

[I got an interesting piece of mail the other day.... a postcard. From my father. Who lives 20 minutes away. Anyone else got a clue as to what that could have been about? I'm stumped.] On to happier things. 9 days until my birthday. (Send me presents!) 216 hours until my birthday. (Send me presents!) 12960 minutes until my birthday. (Send me presents!) Sense a theme? :p Not too much is going on...mostly work - gotta earn money to pay off the credit card bill I ran up for Christmas this year, hehe. It's a dreary rainy day; and all I hear about is the snow I'm missing out on not being up north. I miss the snow. Bah! (Send me snow!) I haven't talked to any of my friends from home in forever - I know, I'm a bad friend - and I really should. Especially during this time of year. Ok, today I've got two things to do - call the people I've been meaning to, and finish off my Christmas cards. Oh, and go see The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe at 10:10pm tonight. Yay for good movies!

Sort of. December/Christmas just feels weird without the ice and snow. Christmas wreaths on palm trees confuse me. And the snowmen are inflatable. Lemme think.... Dad came over for Thanksgiving. Said he'd bring stuff to snack on prior to dinner. Mom and I were thinking simple little things - like maybe a cheese wheel and crackers; small, but kinda nice. Instead? Bags of chips and tubs of dip. I don't even know what to say about that. Dinner went well - it was odd without the number of people we normally have - only five of us this year. Dad left immediately after helping to clean up after dinner - Happy Thanksgiving to you too, ass. Work is still work. Loving ER. No end to how much I'm loving it in there. Not going to talk about Birthcare this entry, lol. No; the "I hate you" portion of my ranting is going to my supervisor this time. Supervisor = Two-faced prick. Got my 90-day evaluation on Tuesday. Apparently I'm "marginal" and have not "successfully completed my initial 90 days". And how did I earn these? Because I could not attend one meeting. A meeting that I was given 24 hours notice for, that was in the late evening, and that I couldn't attend due to family issues. Apparently, that means I'm showing birthcare that I don't care about them. (I don't, but that's beside the point.) This is strike two for them. One more and they're getting my two week notice - pay and benefits be damned. Good news.... My birthday in 17 days. The big 2-2. My brother comes to visit. 15 days and counting. Christmas with everyone home. 24 days and counting. Jim is visiting for New Years. Can't even start counting, I'm so excited.

Yes, ladies and gents.... today, the 23rd of November in the year 2005.... it's finally official. [Provided the paperwork goes through of course.] Dania and I are...... friends. [Insert appropriate congratulatory sounds here - or angry hisses for you jealous types.] Oh, and early birthday present to me? A pic of Viktor Krum in quidditch gear SIGNED BY Stanislav Ianevski himself! -drool-

Last night, 9:50 pm, 20 miles down the road. Just me, my mom, and the (extremely) smelly guy a few seats down in the theatre. The movie? Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Comments? Nothing other than this - I'll be going back again. (Hopefully this time, sans Smelly Guy.) Think what you will.... I adore the Potter books/movies. That, and Stanislav Ianevski is a hot hot little 20 year old. (I know, I'm bad. Don't you love me?) Quote of the Day: "Technically, it's a ferret."

Sunday. The day of rest. For those of us who don't work for the bastards at my hospital. Stuck in the storeroom doing inventory/auditing from 7:00am until 5:30pm. And I have a full - and extremely busy - week to look forward to. Anyone want to trade?

Quote of the day: "Sometimes stuff happens under water, that's all I'm saying." - My Mom

[Dania - I'm better health wise, though I'm still trying to kick this headache. Thanks for asking.] Went back to work today. Busted my ass because my co-workers (who, as it's been stated time and time again, are supposed to pick up the slack in case something like this happens) left me out to fucking dry and the ER was out of critical items. Birthcare was no picnic either. And what do I get at the end of the day? Written up. That's right, I get "verbal" counseling ( the "verbal" counseling was all on paper and all I was told to do was read the paper and comment if I felt like it). What for, you ask? Chronic absenteeism. Chronic. Let's see..... it's the start of the flu season, turn of the seasons, I work in a hospital in a state that I'm new to..... and I've been out sick twice since they hired me. Conditional maybe, but not fucking chronic. Gah....I can't even go on about it, it's pissing me off all over again. Watch and see if I don't call out tomorrow.

Day two of my "I'm actually ill enough not to go into work" experience. Yay! for no work. Boo! for the fucking shitty way I'm feeling right now. Staring at the computer screen isn't helping, but I'm supposed to stay awake and "hydrate" as much as possible - and this is about the only thing keeping me awake at the moment. (On a side note, getting dehydrated - and I mean really dehydrated - sucks, don't do it.) What think you of the new colors? I'm feeling the earth tones lately, not sure if the new header pic stays or goes though... lemme know. Hot damn! $3k boost to my credit limit just in time for Christmas/Birthday season - wish me luck keeping that in check. ^^