This started out as a letter to my best friend/confidant. cuz it ell her eeverything. but now that i've said it, i feel so good. so i'll post it. IT NEVER ENDS!!!! -sigh- call me. call me call me. i need someone to tell my pathetic sob story to. *whines* i might as well just tell you now. everything is so wrong. i felt so good about being over him just a few days ago and i think i still am cuz what ever was there before, i dont think is there anymore. I mean i def. dont think he's cute or anything anymore. but as far a prioritizing goes, on his list...im last. and i think it's always been that way, it's just that i never saw it before. i think im all sad becuase im seeing for the first time, all the things that were happening before, but i was too blind to see. Like how i think there's another girl that he's...idk. but i think he likes this girl at his school,which would explain that time when his friend came over and he was all casual and when his friend left, he got all affectionate. Damn one sided conversations. I hate how you cant read ppl's wall-to-wall convos unless ur friends with both of them. But yea. I really think that there's someone else.Cuz he was talking to this girl and it's like he likes her friend. So...that's that. And then i have no idea what's going on between him and his ex, cuz she's being waaayy too nice to him.she commented on one of his pics and she was all "what a stud" and then the comments that i showed you yesterday. And then one of his friends who lives in Texas was all "how are thing btween you and jessi?" [cuz that's her name] and those damned one sided conversations, i have no idea what he said. And then... he's been outa town for who gives a damn how long and just told me today, after i gave him my new number for who knows what dumb ass reason, he was all "mmk. i'll call you when i get a chance. i've been outa town lately" or some shit along those lines. and then like he told evryone else in their little indian cult. cuz apparently they all know. And then, and then, and then... i was all "thanks for telling me >:( " and he was all "lol" WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!? not LOL. it's the mother fucking opposite of LOL. fuck lol. damn. i oughta shove that damn lol up his fucking ass! NOT LOL. IT'S NOT FUCKING LOL. AAAAHHHHH.damn. -heavy breathing- but it pisses me off to no end... and then what else happened?...there's something becuase i am so mad i could seriously go on some psycho arsen fest and burn everything in sight down.Idk. but i'll probably find something else. Becuase Capitan Hormone cant keep it in his pants. jeez. and on top of everything else... he was a total bitch to greg that time. i mean i was totally shocked. i mean i still kinda am.ugh. so now... that girl who's friend i am convinced he likes...no i mean...really...it was one sided, but it seemed kinky enough...i mean it involoved nudity and midriff and an unmentioned amount of delectibles...and the words... "booty call". but it was followed by a "jk" and and and...she was like "you're so nasty" and i dont even want to know what was said but at the same time i do. OMG. im so mad. i have a sailors mouth. But, i cant really explain it. Beucase i kinda feel like all this anger is justified simply because all of this was going on and i had not the slightest idea. It's like i was being lied to. Who knows how many other girls there were? I could be anything from 1 to 100 who knows. it would work out too cuz there's one at his school, then im in a diff county...there's one in Illinois...and who knows where else. I mean it's not like we talk and it's not like we'd ever meet and if we did...what are the chances of him coming up in the conversation? OmFg.im so mad. It's like that anger when you find out that your boyfriend was cheating on you...you know you're pissed and then you're betrayed...so it's like a mixture of sadness and anger...which is dangerous, cuz if the girl's crazy she will cut you and the other girl. But i dont think im THAT mad, it's not like we were going out, we were FWB. isn't that something to be proud of.But im mad none the less. And that other girl at his school...i think her name is grace... she under any other circumstances...this would've worked REALLY well.I would've been clueless and completly smitten. But i've learned to trust VERY few people. So.. i was bored and i was myspacing.which was when i saw the cult picture and the comments, which helped me get off the fence and decide that i was better off without him. Then i was bored again and looked for something else to re-enforce the fact that i was so clearly over him. Then i found all of the above mentioned information. So if i could just get that girl to accept me as a friend...then i'd make up a story and try and convince her that i swear i know her from somewhere becuase her name looks so familiar.lies.lies.lies. and in the mean time...find the wall posts and get both sides of the story. And then...the thing is...i dont have a way to approach him with this...so maybe it's not time...i'll wait it out, but slowly move away. Maybe i cant confront him with it, but as long as i know, or have my suspicions...then i can start changing. I mean, im not really the kind of person who'll make a big deal out of something. Beucase honestly, when it comes to guys, i go in with both eyes wide SHUT.i dont pay attention to anything. as long as im happy and content for the time being, he could be impregnating the world and im looking the other way. But with this...it's serious. i put so much of myself out there...I was serious about this guy. Like dead serious. Like SARS serious. and i guess after a while i woke up and saw that something wasn't right. I had that feeling for a REALLY long time, but i always thought that it was becuase i was insecure and since everything was going so well that i must have thought that something like this could never happen to me. Things were working out too well.But i was right something wasn't right.It just took me longer to realize what that something was. And this time, I dont even feel stuoud for liking him in the first place. And i dont feel bad about being absolutly and terribly furious at him. It's about time I found out anyway. And im glad i found out too. I am woman. Hear me roar. *RAWR*

Okay. I love this. No one is probably ever gonna read this and i still get to get my thoughts out in the open. So i feel like this whole thing with Ron is just one big mistake. I wish it had never happened. I mean nothing good has really come out of it. It's like the onlything keeping everything togethr was that I was willing to do anything to keep his attention. Just another case of me being an attention whore ofr lack of a better term. But still, I never really realized what was happening. It's not that Jade didnt point it out to me, it's just that I didnt want to see it. I feel ignorant and kinda stupid at the same time. Jeez. I hate myself so intensly. Which sounds weird, but honestly I couldn't care less. He said we're friends with benefits. That's like the one thing that I didnt want to be. Becuase it just means that you get the benefits of a relationship without the commitment. I mean, so much for friends. He didnt even tell me he was leaving. The first time he left for Ohio he didnt tell me. And now he's gone AGAIN and didnt tell me. I mean. I always tell my friends where I'm going, just out of curtosy [sp!] but anyway. I hate this whole situation. More than anything. I dont think I know what it is, but it's giving me this intense loathing feeling. Like when you've been taken advantage of or been lied to.I think that's kinda what it was. I allowed myself to believe in something that probably wasn't even there. I never meant to feel the way i did about him. Then when he said "i love you" it just made things worse. I believed it. But of course none of this was real to him. It was just a lie. Something on the side. It was never going to become anything and he knew it, but he never let me believe it. So here I am realizing that this whole thing has been a lie and i feel terrible. I was going to sacrifce so much to be with him. I dont know why. I would have and could have easily made one of THE biggest mistakes ever. I just cant believe taht I could have been so stupid. I was willing to leave my school, my friends that mean the world to me, and everything that i've known since 7th grade behind and start over at teh bottom of the food chain at a new school in a new home, EVERYTHING. just for him.What was I thinking? He's not important to me. && one reason writing all of this is so important is because I will need a reminder so that I dont make the same mistake twice.I dont want him to come backa nd to have all those feelings rush back. I need to remember how i feel know. Because these are real, raw, and honest.This is how I really feel about him. And honestly he couldn't say anything right now that would make any of this any better. It feels bad, like I feel like he doesn't respect me. And he doesnt care enough about me. I mean he didnt even tell me he was leaving. Not that I expect him to, he doesnt owe me anything. But just out of consideration for the other person. AHHHHHHH. i hate it so much. jeez. i think i feel like crying myself to sleep. Or maybe im just tired. But I hate this so much. Damn Conformists.

one thing ive learnd... ur nvr gonna be the best. there's always gonna be someone out there who's just that much better than you. oh...and...LIFE IS A BITCH. i mean. im gonna find out why i didnt make the team. honestly, there are people who made it who i am better than. i dont understand. =*

lalalala. i think i had aquired a serious case of ADD. cuz right now i cant evn stay focused for like more than 5 minutes. alalalalalalalalalalalala.stupid volcano project. id rather eat the inside of a dead....flower...not.umm..... i havent written on hear in like 10 million years. im sooo effing bored. save me. Nykki. lmao. that's only the funniest thing ive evr heard in my life, basically. wow. soooo. bored. but its awkward. l;ike something is missing. im gonna get all anti social for like an hour, cuz i feel like im missing a part of me. maybe cuz im missing him. awwww. but i am. cant focus. switching topics. im not done shunning jonathan. i might end when i finally get a phone. no one comments, cuz no one uses it anymoe.which is good. too bad i didnt rant and rave about how much i hate carla on here. but thats only couz i couldnt rememeber my danged password, which is ridiculously easy. so now i feel like a dumb ass. lalala. boreddd. black pen in front of me. there are some shirts on the bored. and yay. jade doesnt like him. anymore. she just notified me of this importante piece of informationen. i dont wanna go to german. maybe i'll fall asleep. or sit by leo, so that i can....not be as hyper as a rocket ship running on sugar. rawr. i was sleeping and decided that i replaced my gag reflex with the ability to roar in my throat.normally im such a spaz especially in this class period. so it weird. it kinda like im playing a never ending game of sharades. where i always have to be someone else. hey. sounds like high school life. guess what. no food candy or drinks allowed in the computer lab. which is a bit sad. cuz maybe i would like some of that good stuff. but i dont cuz i decided that i dont even believe in food anymore. and my thighs hurt so bad. damn that pop lock and drop it song. im so proud of me. my fly time is like 40!! that's the best it's ever been. ever! woooohooo. and im actually pretty good at breast stroke.

UM...KEEP IT SHORT..TO THE POINT AND DEPRESSING...IMA GO DIE, CUZ HE'S IN A REALTIONSHIP.-SIGH- dieing slowly.....

i really like Relient K. but anyway. Im going for a non pathetic entry this time. so anyway. i finally remebered my password, so im back.yay. anyway.this is gonna be short cuz im gonna spaz out so incredibly bad after writing this so lets get started here. i asically love demarco. yea. i said it.well actually typed it cuz i cant say his name without having like mini spaz attacks all over the place. but i feel kinda bad cuz brandon likes me and im def. wearing his sweat shirt right now WHILE obsesing over how much i like demarco. not a good feeling. i guess you could say brandon is hot, i mean its not like i didnt like him last year.but i cant like him the way i did last year. he's my 'best friend' and i wanna keep it like that. but demarco...is it my fault he's a sexi beast? omg.i love that kid. but i cant say his name its the weirdest thing.its like im allergic to saying it. it makes me all uncomfortable. prolly cuz when i say his name its like im actually admitting that i like him. but when i use his nickname, it different,it safer.but i dont kno how things would work out. we were doing really well on the mission trip, i hope that he goes on the next one. aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh. that would be so amazing. i would die. aaaaaaaahhhhh. okay well im getting too excited here. so lemme finish my homework. ill update when i have something interesting to talk about. byee ~monkeypants (some things never change)

ok. so here's the deal. We went on a mission trip to Mississippi. "The Duke" asked Joy if I liked him...at the time I didn't...however...now I do...very much so.So...I've been dropping serious hints about this for a while now...but aparently "The Duke" cant take a hint, and probably dosen't suspect a thing. I would make a move...however...I'm all "self-concious" and dont feel like I'm good enough.So I talked to Briana and she was all,"let him make the 1st move"and I was all,"he's too f'ing stupid". so I gotta move on...but I haven't liked a guy like this in a LOOOOOOONG time. And it's all Fith Troupe's fault with her stupid,"i love you no matter what, Duke" because since she likes him..this weird thing happens where I like him too. grr...i dont like this. it's not fun. not when I'm like 100000000000000000000000000.2% sure that he dosen't like me back..so why would I risk my social status by doing something and he dosen't even like me back? It's seriously bothering me too. cuz when we went on the picnic, I made it pretty obvious that I DIDN'T like him(even though I really do)by refusing to sit by him....that was kinda mean...I should feel bad...nope,not working...oh well.so I do like him...this is MADNESS! STOP THE MADNESS!!!!!!!!AHHHH!!!OH...HYPER.why do I like him? to tell you the truth...I can't name one thing that attracts me to him in the least.Everything about him is so completly UN-ATTRACTIVE that..it's unbelievable that I like him...I mean REALLY LIKE him. It's amazing how much I love him...yet I know that he'll never love me the same way.

okay. It's been FOREVER since I've put anything on this. wow. but I have decided to come back here because I know that I can type without people judging me and other people that I kno wont read it either. so... oh..yes.. so i'm volunteering at this summer camp...called Fiesta...it was seriously beginning to suk, but yushterday Kyle showed up. Omg. that was...the best surprise since..ever.I saw him walking towards the church when we were going down the stairs, but I couldn't tell who he was.and even from a distance I was like,"omg. who is that?*cough cough sexy cough cough*" and when i realized that it was kyle I was like wrenching Faith's shirt. I was spazzing out..but a diferent kind of spaz. I was all giggling(I dont giggle) and smiling and I couldn't help it. I definitley made it obvious that I liked him. So everytrime I saw him I would turn around and walk the other way, but that would always be after the fact that he'd seen me. OMG.ahhh...and I was so sure that I stopped liking him...oh well. and Faith was all "you like him,you like him" and I was all,"shut up. no I dont"(even though I knew I did). We kept running into each other.I'm just glad that he wasn;t there earlier during the skit(phew!*wipes forehead*). Like when he first got there we(faith and I ) were walking the kids down to the field and he was "supposedly" walking to Becker.And then hung around the field for a little while to..hopefully..watch THE KIDS. so. then it was really hot outside, so I was all sweaty and my hair was all messed up-ish. and so I went to get my purse(this is after we're back inside the church) and the whole time I'm looking around like a spy so that we dont run into each other again. so I'm almost at the bathroom and he walks out of the men's bathroom and in my mind I'm all "OMG!WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?!?" So I turned around and tried to walk away so then i realized that we'd be walking in the same direction which would give me ample time to do something that I would indeed regret.so I bent down and picked something up and turned back around to quickly walk past him into the bathroom. Where I was mentally cursing myself out for acting like a retard. And it would have gone on longer if this lady hadn't walked in and asked me to go downstairs to get some baby wipes for her son cuz he was crtapping all over himself. so I went. and then after I came back from giving her the baby wipes and attempting to fix my hair(i cant do much when i'm all sweaty, cuz my hair gets all floppy), I was about to go back to our room when I look at the sanctuary door and as soon as I look at it, guess who walks out and starts walking up the stairs? I was like,"today is just not my day, I am soooo skrewed" so I practically ran back into the room. and then the lady who was talking to the kids told them to get quiet and once they finally get quiet, I make my pathetic attempt to whisper to Faith(it was kinda like I was talking..it wasn't a whisper at all)and I was like,"I saw "that bug" coming up the stairs" and since it was quiet, everyone heard me(good thing we used code..pathetic code..but code none the less)and the little kids started laughing and we just played along and I appologised for the interuption. But i dont know what happened. It was madness.I really think I like him...

It's been so long my good friend

gawsh! I hate my band teacer so much! he's causing so much drama. I want him to die! that stupid fucking bastard! I hate his fat ass! I wish he would just drop dead!

well I talked to Justin a few weeks ago and he told me how he was on the wrestling team even though he's in Alabama. Last year, when I called him, there were lots of awkward silences but I think when we talked, he was glad to talk to me again! I miss him! Well, the only thing is, I'm getting over him...even though I'm not trying. Why I like zac? is beyond me! oh well, I just had to tell ya;; that. okay well see-ya! Monkeypants

Uhg. I dont even want to type, I'll talk l8er!

Well the safest thing to say is that things are on and off with me and zac.Cuz yesterday wuz the trip and we sat in the front and we were just all playfull wif each other. were sat right by 4 of the chaperones and even though we were all over each other not one of them said a thing. on wuz our german teacher, one was our s.s. teacher and one wuz this guy named kyle's dad, and the last one, get this,was his MOM! can you friggin believe it? his mom is really cool though. but anyway, we went to all of these places in north georgia and we got to pan for gold and stuff. he went to the back a few times, but most everyone wuz in the back, and i know he's not a hoe like justin wuz!grrrr! still makes me mad! bt good news is, I dont like demarco anymore. today in church, he was being a bitch with his friends. but see my friend Carla likes this guy and his name is Brandon, and he’s on the football team and according to Carla he has muscles. But anyway she liked him and she told me and at first I wuz really grossed out cuz we went to camp together and we were pretty close. Okay not really, the closest we got wuz not even that close. But on the Brightside I touched his butt this year and he is not one of those “flatty-flat-butt” people. Okay I’m lying again I didn’t touch his butt! But that’s not the point. After a while I started liking him and stuff and I think I do now, but Carla stopped liking him, cuz well truthfully, she didn’t have a chance with him! But that’s still not the point. The point is that Carla told me that she heard him talking to one of his frinds about how he’s gonna do “it” with his girlfriend. And so I was kinda dumbfounded cuz knowing Brandon, he woldn’t do that! I mean com on, this kid loves camp!bad boys don’t like camp, they’d rather stay home and touch themselves, but still. But then I stared think, and I told Carla that I would go out with him in high school, no matter how nasty or perverted Carla says he is. I mean I liked Justin last year and he kept condoms in his wallet! (well actually most boys at my school do!) but he was… um… definitely perverted! Oh well I gotta go, oh did I mention I got azc’s cell phone number… wait…that’s not really sumthin to be proud of cuz he’s not even that sexy. Oh well I gotta go! Peace out, Monkeypants who luves zac( a little bit)

gosh I hate zach so much. one day he's all nice and stuff and friendly. and the next he has a little bit of PMS! i HATE HIM!

Today, is my birthday. And it was the last day of Georgia Tech's camp! And ther was this ceremony and the lady who was in charge found out that it was my birthday and had like 50 strangers and their parents sing HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me!I was kind of freaed out at first, but it was cool!When I got home there were beautiful balloons all over my room.Kimberly was the only person to call me on my birthday!That is why she is the super-er-est! g2g Monkeypants

dONT cha just luv my new layout? I do! Gosh I have like a million chores night now and I was trying to talk to Kim, but her dad has to use the telefono...but it's totally cool. I dont know why I'm listening to the backstreet boys, I dont even like them, I'm just listening to a whole bunch of random bands right now. Like now the song is over and I'm listening to Obsession by BABY Bash (I think). But it's cool. fOR SOME REASON, I have mosquito bites, but when I was at camp for 6 weeks straight I didn't get one, but now I'm just chillin at home! On saturday or sunday, I'm going to Tennessee and Kim is going to Florida. No fair, she stays at a resort and i'm in the middle of the woods.I really miss Justin right now. I'm listening to the BALCK EYED PEAS RIGHT NOW (WHERE IS THE LOVE?. Anyway, I hope that his family decided not to move. Sometimes I wonder if that's one of the reasons why I liked school eventhought I didn't do so well this year! hmmmmmmm....gosh I miss him! oh well, pease, Monkeypants

adopt your own virtual pet! adopt your own virtual pet! I put this icon in in honor of LILY the llama!

he-he: zesty veggies!yummmmm! zesty-full-ness-ity, monkeypants

It hapened a long time ago, but knowing me, I never get over stuf like this, well.we went on a riverboat and ate sandwiches, rode in charter buses, until it abandoned us at the riverboat and we all had to the imax theatre:/! the movie was about sharks and before we even got there me and Jade were having sincronized heart atacks.But it wasn't that bad and the talking turtle wasn't lame at all!then we went to the aquarium and i wanted to touch the ducks so bad, but I was afraid one of the many humongo snakes would bite of one of me arms!AAAHHH!SCARY!But then we went to the gift shop and I bought an otter who I am petting right now!and when we got outside he tried to talk to me, but I was like,"YUP...Okay, whatever!"(so proud of myself)I was already pissed at him for something else!then we went to CC'S piza where like 15 people completely neglected Briana Lewis for me!(so happi)and I was happy all night long! But then the next day Chelsea had to ruin everything when she told me what "he" did to that hoe! They were siting in the back of the bus and someone dared them to kiss and they didn't at first, but later they did just because they WANTED TO! Then he touched her...fluber and stufed his nasty hands down her bra and was enjoying the experience! I mean someone told me that it was like the California gold mine, cuz he sure was digin for sumthin'!Gosh that made me sick, because he came up to the front and played some shit like everyone was neglecting him and everything, and I felt sorry for his pretty ass!(can you tel that this story makes me mad?)but yet he was "livin la vida loca" in the back of the bus!sicko! M.C. monkeypants