If you've ever had a summer like mine, no matter what has happened all you can do is laugh. The tears have stopped and you realize everything that is left, is what you will become. This will terrify and confuse. Yet it may empower you to change. This summer I've earned a lot of money workign as a waitress at Pahaska Tepee, 2 miles from the East entrance to Yellowstone National Park. It's been an experience I will never forget. Once you've moved out of home it is never the same to return. Every time I return I realize how glad I am to return. No matter how desolate this place is. There is no cell phone service for half hour to the north. What a drive. I'm telling you that a hour drive is very short. I've been home for a wedding, then my grandfather died. I went to Montana for his funeral. Shortly after my friends father had a stroke. This hurt a lot. I love his father as much as my grandfather. I wish there was more I could do for them. I found out only a few days ago that my aunt also had a heart attack. I'm not sure how to handle all of this, but it is taking its toll. Pahaska is a special place, full of drugs, alcohol, sluts, thieves, rumors, and the rest of the scum that evolved in a pond...How do I fit in? Rumors...apparently I've been having sex with two of the boys up here. I can't deny that I've spent the night in their beds, but sex? do I act wanton? Yes, I've been drunk. I admit it. Not proud...don't want to experience it again...but I have. So that's that. Take it how it is. The swearing here is out of control. I've never heard so many swear words in one sentence before...it's unnerving. Keeps you on your toes and always working toward not swearing. It's difficult and no one cares that you don't swear. Now boy toys...so I was just fine with being alone. yet I always loved talking to him. Now he's working here. We almost hooked up, but he never actually asked me. I gave up...then he kissed my best friend up here...what am I suppose to think? Well then...lets move on. I finally get to go after a boy that I wanted to...only problem is...the boy does drugs 24/7 and drinks non-stop. He's gentle and has a good personality and never pushes me into anything. I enjoy his pure honesty and acceptance for who I am. Next issue...previous boy tries to mess up new relationship. I don't know what to believe or who or when...so what do I do? retreat and sleep constantly. It seems the first boy is the one I'm meant to end up with. at least that's what my tables keep telling me. The two tables that have met us have also hired us for different tasks. My true love wants me back, what do I do? I can't handle more rejection. even if it takes him a month before he leaves me again...I don't want to be in love and be with him. I've finally been able to get a hold of my second love. That makes me very happy. Maybe we can chat up the night. I love talking to these boys. They make my smile bigger. I must remember that I will not get to keep them though. Dreams rarely come true. Specially while I'm at Pahaska. I'm earning a lot of money, but is the emotional toll worth it? I guess the only way to keep going is to just hope I don't have a heart. Then look for it at a later day. Keep strong and enjoy what fresh air you can get. Love life and thank God for the small things. Without him I would be nothing. Without him I would not have made it this far. There is a purpose he has set for me. Let me fullfill his ever dream and great works. I'll write more later...