I thought I no longer liked Cody. Honestly, I really did. But I don't know why I thought this, because ever since he kissed me, it was all I could think about. And now that he apparently started dating someone else, I feel heartbroken. Cody was that boy I could think about when I said I hated all other boys, the one who I always knew I could cuddle up to when I needed it. And now I have never felt more alone. And not to mention confused. Ryan apologized to me for acting like a jackass and wants to hang out with me again. But do I want that? I've told myself not to care about him, but look at what happened when I tried that with Cody. I can't take being hurt again. I really can't. I wish I could say I quit boys and MEAN IT. But if I do say that, I'd only be lying to myself again.

What do you do when you find out that your friends talk about you behind your back? "You try so hard to be a different person online, and everyone is sick of it." Apparently I do that? Hmm. I don't recall ever trying to be someone I'm not. But the everyone is sick of it part that gets to me. I guess everyone talks about me behind my back. I never knew. Also, upon seeing Cody unexpectedly today, Megan declared to Anna that I had made out with him. How did she know?! I only told JC, Ang, and Raiychelle. JC and Ang are my internet friends, she does not know them, and Raiychelle and her are not friends. Besides, Raiychelle doesn't talk to anyone at all. "You never tell us these things. You only tell your stupid internet friends." I don't understand. How did she find out? I feel like I can't trust anyone at all. Not only do my friends apparently talk badly about me, but they spill my secrets somehow, even though they don't even know Megan? GOD DAMN I AM SO FUCKING CONFUSED. How did this happen? I don't care that Megan knows, I care about how she knows. wtf. I quit Xanga today, though. Now you can't talk badly about my "online personality" if it's nonexistant. Thankfully no one knows about this.

Don't cuddle with me if you only see me as a friend. Don't hold my hand if you have no interest in me. Don't be eager to hang out with me one week, then eager to make up excuses to get out of it the next. Don't kiss me if you don't mean it. Don't tell me you like me if it isn't true. How about this? Don't fuck with me. Because I've been fucked with by ridiculous fucking boys one time too many now, so guess what? I fucking give up on all of you. Every. Single. God. Damn. Time. Here's the routine: a few blissful weeks of a blossoming "romance", filled with cuddling, holding hands, and in this case, kissing. Then, all of a sudden, it drops off and ends, because the boy doesn't like me afterall. So maybe in this case, Ryan does apparently like me, he just "can't have a girlfriend right now." Yeah, sure, whatever. From now on, I will have nothing to do with boys until Ryan comes to his senses. I don't give a fucking shit who you are and what you say to me, nothing you fucking boys say is true. So fuck you. If I abandon boys, they can't abandon me.

I've gotten things a bit cleared up with Ryan. Read the AIM conversation below. I'm plastic stars321, he's pitselehINtheHAY. plastic stars321: when you said that you liked me a few weeks ago...is that still true today? sorry, im a paranoid loser and im just wondering if you still do or not...BLAH sorry :-X pitselehINtheHAY: yes and i was meaning to talk to you about this too pitselehINtheHAY: the thing is pitselehINtheHAY: i still like you but i can't really have a girlfriend right now:- because i have to get other things in my life kind of sorted out (i.e. school, family, etc) plastic stars321: that's fine, i'm not like...pressuring you or anything haha. i understand completely. sorry for asking you like this, im just really really paranoid when it comes to boys. and i was scared that i was coming off as too pushy or obnoxious or something, so i was kind of freaking out :-Xbut i feel relieved now pitselehINtheHAY: noooo dont be sorry pitselehINtheHAY: im sorry i just cant do it right now:- plastic stars321: and YOU dont be sorry either! it's fine, im just glad that you dont hate me. hahah i need to stop being so paranoid pitselehINtheHAY: ahaha yaaay OKAY So I'm relieved that he still likes me, but disappointed that we can't date right now. But it's alright. I'm just happy that he doesn't hate me. :)

I'm so very puzzled. Here's the situation: Ryan Ellis and I went to Homecoming together. I decided that night that I liked him. And, as we hung out more and more and started holding hands (and kissing twice...the first kiss was beyond perfect, it was under the stars in the courtyard at Valley Park Elementary by a garden of sunflowers :). ), he liked me back. He even said so, for I asked him straight out. It's been a week and two days since we last hung out. He hasn't gone out of his way to find me at my locker like he did for the past few weeks, and when I ask him when we are going to hang out next, he answers, "SOON" and never gives me a time. When I ask him flat out for a specific day, he either doesn't answer or is busy. Has this romance faded? I'm terrified it has. I cannot be hurt again, it's happened too much. But how can he go from liking me to not in one week? I have no idea what's going on. :(

I'm a little confused. Sitdiary is more complicated than Xanga and Myspace, which is what I'm used to. Or maybe I'm just dumb. :)