I'm a mess. A complete and total mess who has possibly ruined everything. I'm struggling with finances, with my appearance, with my weight, with my personal preference for messiness. I don't follow-through, I bury my head in the sand. I'm a joke to the very people I want to help. There are days, like right now, that I even question if I'm worthy of being a Salvation Army Officer. I feel like a fool, because I've been trying to do it on my own. The God of my childhood, the one I cried to when a move was too hard, or the one I shared my day with when I didn't know anyone at school and ate lunch alone. The physical presence who comforted me in days that felt physically dark. I ignored him, and thought I could do something without relying on his strength, and I fell flat on my face. I know it's nothing new; I'm aware that many a Christian before me has done it, and many will after. I also think that sometimes we minimize the personal magnitude of our sin when we think like that. I screwed up. But the beauty of God is that he lets me screw up, and he's just waiting for me to realize it myself. I'm sure I hurt him like crazy all those days when I cried alone, or when I hardened my heart to the truth of the situation. When I blinded myself to the fact that it was always a mess of my own making. Still He waited. When I had no words, I thought it meant there was nothing to say, but he always waited for the deepest groaning of my spirit. He longed for the authenticity of my heart. Yesterday God allowed two examples of His working in my life to smack me in the face. Major Mark, who has unknowingly taken the blame for many of my own shortcomings, preached a message that God used to touch my heart. I determined to get back into bible study and prayer. That afternoon, I found myself counseling one of my heartbroken kids to turn to God. To vent on God when there was no one else, even if he was screaming at God and begging to hear something in return. It has only just hit me, that I long ago forsook the very advice I was offering. It's made a world of difference. I've still screwed up, and I still question my worthiness of being a Salvation Army Officer. People who love me will argue that I haven't messed up that badly, but the truth is I have. I ignored the God I profess to love, and shrugged off vital elements of the very work he has called me to do. Yes, I currently stand in personal conviction of that truth, but the other less-pleasant truth is that there are still consequences to everything that I do. For a long time I have considered stepping down, but now that I face the possibility of losing it before I'm 'ready' I find that my heart is begging me to stay. I guess that's my answer about the truthfulness of my need to stay where God has put me. I'll leave it to God and The Salvation Army to decide. I will do my best to slowly work on cleaning the messes, both physical and not. Somehow, leaving it to God and doing what I can....is a huge relief. This morning, I thanked God for creating me in his image, and asked him to show me what he sees in his other creations. He has done that and more, and I can only sit here and thank him. I'm scared and I don't know what will happen, but at the same time I feel a measure of peace. I've done what I've done. I'll do what I can now, and whatever happens, I'm still made in God's image, and if I can remember that, and remember to turn to Him with every moment of every day, then I'll walk a path of His choosing, despite what I've done to dismantle that path as I've walked.

So, it's been a long time since I've written in this thing. Three years, in fact - for awhile I couldn't even find it. A lot has changed, and life being what it is, things will inevitably change again. Having always been introspective - as can be seen through the....tumultuous teen years displayed in this diary. I like to think I'm a bit more mature now than I used to be. I certainly know how to spell the word 'despair' these days, and I'm familiar with the definition on a level that I never could have comprehended at sixteen. It's nothing that I have felt. Misery, yes. Confusion, of a certainty. But despair is so much deeper. It's the deepest, wrenching, unavoidable, consuming emotion imaginable. If I can keep my faith, and grow a deeper faith than I have now, it's a feeling I'll never have to experience. It's crazy to think that this coming summer, it'll be five years since I left high school. Five years ago, I was giving up hold of my crush on Seth Haug, reminiscing over Corey Velgersdyk (the first boy to make me cry), wondering if my best friend would still be in my life after college, struggling with God's calling in my life. I guess some things never change, at least, not with struggling over God's calling for me. I've no idea where Cory Velgersdyk has gone off to, or what he's doing. Last time I got sentimental and tried to find him on Facebook, well, I think he was in college. Seth got married out of school, and we lost touch. This is the crazy thing. I've forgotten about Corey, but never Seth. One year at Youth Councils - I think the one after high school, I felt the need to pray for him, and so I wrote his name on a bandaid wrapper and put it in my bible. I pray for him every time I see it. It's weird, because now he's a widower on Facebook, apparently. I wonder if that's what I was praying for him over. I wish it wouldn't be too weird to talk to him about it now. So, I guess I should update you, dear diary, on Nate Buttrey. He was the more reccent guy to break my heart. See, Corey probably never knew I crushed on him. He certainly never lead me on, or treated me differently than the other girls around. We were the same age, and so in the innocency of being sixteen, the heartbreak was clean. Nate, unfortunately, opened my eyes to the way that things really work. He was a flirt, and I developed feelings. He began to see someone else right after. But then, he's older than I, and had different needs. It still hurt like crazy. I don't wish anymore, to be the not-strong one. I miss that girl, sometimes. The one who was totally confident. She was a total sap and had her head in the clouds. But I remember her being so comfortable in her skin. Much more comfortable than I am in mine. I promised myself this wouldn't get sappy, and I don't think it has. Just introspective. I've screwed a lot of things up since that time. I suddenly understand why people want to be sixteen again. It has nothing to do with it being 'the best time of your life', because it definitely wasn't that (I'd go about nine for that). It's about being able to revisit who you were, and to tell him or her what you would do differently. Things you wouldn't have passed up or let go. Things you wouldn't do at all. But hindsight's 50/50. I don't know, it might be another three years before I update this again. Things will be totally different, then, and right now I don't know what that path will be. I might still be a Salvation Army Officer. I might not be. That scares me - I've never been certain that this is the path God wanted me to take. But on Sunday, Major Mark said something that resonated pretty deeply in me. We're to give up what we hold most dear, I think mine is the possibility of the future. I don't know what will happen. Jessica and Alyssa have both offered me roommates and assistance should I leave. But as much as this life sucks and makes me miserable, leaving the ministry is terrifying on so many levels. Mostly, what do I do if I disappoint God?

I hate being Jealous. I hate myself for feeling that way. Nobody ever asks me if I want to go do things. Nobody ever does- not unless there is an ulterier motive. I am jealous of how easily Jessica and Jordan make friends, while I struggle with it constantly. I struggle with how they never seem lonely. Some nights, I feel so alone, I cry myself to sleep. I hate being jealous of Mike and Nate, and of Marga. I don't want to be. But I want to be their friend too, to associate with them. They have other friends. All I have right now is Jessica. I hate that, too. I hate needing her, feeling like a clingy desperate friend. It isn't her fault. I am just so lonely, and she is the only one around, and I need her company. Because without it, I am friendless. I spend monday through saturday, eager for the phone and internet, because outside of my family, it is the only companionship I get. And I hate myself for that, too. I'm scared of losing her, feeling inadequate against the backdrop of all her fun new college friends. Me, a girl whose heart and mind are still in high school, who is more reserved, and less crazy. I am terrified that she will get bored with me, or decide that she doesn't have time for me anymore. And I would understand it if she did. All I have to offer her is Remus Lupin, and I don't even like doing that. How can a fictional character stand up against reality?

Well, I know that it has been a long time since I have posted, but I just really needed to blog somewhere where the people involved wouldn't see it. I just returned from my Uncle's ordination in Atlanta. It made me realize just how much I miss the South.....and how much I miss the people there. I saw some old friends there that I haven't seen in quite some time. I realized just how much I missed them. My best friend and a guy that I am particularly close to were the two hardest to leave. The next time that I return to the south, I will not be able to come back. Every step that took us away from the Postlude felt that my heart was cracking and breaking. I was so heartsick that I could not even eat. Even talking was a hard thing. Anyone who knows me will know that that is never hard for me. Well, if you want the full story, you will have to contact me. Right now, i don't think that I could write it if I tried.

Wow, it's been SO long since I've update here, and I got like three new blog sites...but this one is still my favorite- but that could just be Humphrey Bogart staring at me everytime I check this one....wow, I just really need to talk to someone right now, but there's no one around. Oh, well, that's life....

Welcome to another edition of getting to know your friends. Okay here's what you're supposed to do, and try not to be lame and spoil the fun! Just > > copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste into > a new e-mail that you > > can send. Change all the answers so that they apply > to you (Just like > > always). Then send this to a whole bunch of people > you know, INCLUDING the > > person that sent it to you. Some of you may get this > several times. That means > > you have lots of friends.. > > > > > > 1. What is your full name? Paula Annaliese Poff > > 2. What color pants are you wearing? Charcoal Grey > > 3. What are you listening to right now? Switchfoot and Sanctus Real > > 4. What was the last thing you ate? French Onion soup…it was really good > > 5. Do you wish on stars? Every night > > 6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? > Pine Green > > 7. How is the weather right now? Too freakin’ cold! > > 8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? My Daddy…… > > 9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? - > I’d better say yes or she’ll kill me…. > > 10. How old are you today? - 17 > > 11. Favorite drink? Chai Tea Latte (From Panera Bread) > > 12. Favorite sport? – Rugby and Politics > > 13. Hair color? Red-Brown > > 14. Do you wear contacts – NO! > > 15. Siblings? - 1 brother > > 16. Favorite month? July…nice and warm and this July I can vote! > > 17. Favorite food? Bread of any sort > > 18. What was the last movie you saw? –The Untouchables > > 19. Favorite day of the year? July 4th > > 20. What do you do to vent anger? get Sarcastic > > 21. What was your favorite toy as a child? My Popeye figurine > > 22. Hugs or kisses? – Um…I don’t like to be touched? > > 24. Chocolate or vanilla? CHOCOLATE RULES THE WORLD….I mean it cures everything… > > 25. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? No, I write these things to see myself type….. > 26. Who is most likely to respond? Nobody, ‘cause no one ever E-mails me…. > > 27. Who is least likely to respond? Didn’t you read the last one? > > 28. When was the last time you cried? Last night, I hated that CSI: Miami! > > 29. What is under your bed? OSCAR THE GROUCH…..I mean dust bunnies? > > 30. Who is the friend you have had the longest? > Anna > > 31. What did you do last night? Met with my math tutor and then watched a heartbreaking CSI: Miami > > 32. Plain, buttered or salted popcorn? – BUTTER! BUTTER! BUTTER! CLOG MY ARTERIES AND KILL MY HEART! > > 33. Favorite car? Rolls Royce > > 34. Favorite flower? Tiger Lillies > > 35. Number of keys to your house and cars? –Four to house, and I can’t count how many car keys > > 36. How many years at your current job? Hehe….2 months, and I hope to quit soon! > > 37. Favorite day of the week? - Tuesday SPEECH PRACTICE! > > 38. What did you do on your last birthday? –Worked at a summer camp > > 39. How many states have you lived in? – Virginia, Georgia, North Carolina, Indiana > > 40. How many cities have you lived in? – Hampton, VA; Atlanta GA; Shelton Laural NC; Eden NC; Newport News VA; Greenville NC; Evansville IN; for a few months, Kokomo IN > > OK! your turn. See how many you get back

Hehe I haven't posted in ages....my internet sucks I am ill and on medication I think that says it all

Take the quiz: [url=http://www.zenhex.com/quiz.php?id=2573]Which of the three Fates are you?[/url] [b]Atropus[/b] You are Atropus! You are the cranky, bitter, eldest fate who secrety despises both her sisters but uses them for her own personal gain. You are manipulative and you enjoy bending others to your will. Atropus was the fate that cut the thread of life. Take the quiz: [url=http://www.zenhex.com/quiz.php?id=989]What Celtic Diety are you?[/url] [b]The Triple Goddess[/b] (Pan-Celtic) The Triple Goddess is known and worshipped in Pagan cultures the world over. She is eternal, yet always changing. Like the moon which represents her, she shows a different face throughout her eternal cycle, yet she is always the same moon. At once she's the Maiden, Mother, and Crone, the creatrix who births all things into being, who devours all at its ending, and who provides life anew when the cycle begins again.Many different colors are attributed to her, but in Celtic Paganism they are white for the Maiden, red for the Mother, and black for the Crone. Throughout the Celtic lands many ancient remnants of her preeminence remain. One of the best examples survives at Corleck, County Cavan, Ireland, where an ancient and weathered stone is carved with three faces. Each face looks out to a different direction Take the quiz: "Which Mystik Warrior Are You? (Girls w/Pics)"Elven ArcherYou are an Elven Archer! With your ancestrial background, you kill many at once with your wicked archery skills. You are quick-witted and clever and have great skill. Go you. Take the quiz: "Which Star Wars Character are You?"Obi-Wan KenobiThe wise, and powerful Obi-Wan. You give your life to help Luke, and for this, gain immortality in the force. You were once a great Jedi Master. Take the quiz: "Which Viking God, Goddess or Mythological Creature are you? (COOL PICTURES)!"ThorYou are Thor, the most popular God of them all! You relate well to people and are very strong and practical. Your giant hammer helps you as a blacksmith, and you can create thunder and lightning in the sky. However, what you like best is just a night of eating, drinking and partying. Take the quiz: "What is your true element? (anime pics and detailed answers)"FireYou're typically friendly to most people, but when something bugs you, watch out! You're very short tempered and don't take crap from anyone. You have a lot of friends, some closer than others, but you're a free spirit that can't be tied down. This is great because it lets you be your own person, but it causes you to have a certain phobia when it comes to comitment. You're very strong willed, and always have to have your way This usualy isn't a problem, you can charm others into getting you what you want. Watch out, though, you may unknowingly hurt a friend or relative in all your mood swings. Take the quiz: "What Mystical Creature Would You Be? (Girls Only)"FairyStubborn, beautiful, but still generous. You love to get your own way. You have a temper, At the same time you are generous. You are a hard worker and have a stick-to-it iveness about you. You never give up. WEll, as you can see....I got bored. Nothing to really say tonight....

Where have all good men gone And where are all the gods? Wheres the street-wise Hercules To fight the rising odds? Isnt there a white knight upon a fiery steed? Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need I Need A Hero...... Somewhere after midnight In my wildest fantasy Somewhere just beyond my reach Theres someone reaching back for me Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat Its gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet (Chorus) I need a hero Im holding out for a hero til the end of the night Hes gotta be strong And hes gotta be fast And hes gotta be fresh from the fight I need a hero Im holding out for a hero til the morning light Hes gotta be sure And its gotta be soon And hes gotta be larger than life Up Where the mountains meet the heavens above Out where the lightning splits the sea I would swear that theres someone somewhere Watching me Through the wind and the chill and the rain And the storm and the flood I can feel his approach Like a fire in my blood (Chorus)x2 I Need A Hero I know that I haven't posted in awhile, and I am sorry. Life has dealt me a lot of crap lately, and I haven't found the time to write. My friend Chris lives in New Orleans. He went to visit his Grandparents in Kansas two days before Katrina hit, he didn't hear from his folks for six days. He finally did, and they are staying with family in Houston. I went over to Jessica's yesterday and had a blast. I was glad, because I really needed the time to unwind. Then Brittney came over and.... Well, the three of us cruising and listening to music from broadway musicals....need I say more? Then we listened to a song that I hadn't heard in four years, not since I landed the part of Ariel in Footloose. It's called, Holding Out For A Hero, and the lyrics match me perfectly. I went to bed humming it and had a nice dream.....but we'll save that for a later entry ^_~ Jess and Britt are scaring me though. For Prom, they want to bring SOMEONE down from Minnesota.....and I must admit, I am a little frightened, but deep down hope that they succeed..... 'Cause after all, I'm holdin' out for a Hero..

Layers of Grant LAYER ONE: ON THE OUTSIDE Name: Grant Birth date: May 30th, 1988 Zodiac sign: Gemini Birthplace: Savannah Georgia Current location: Georgetown Hair: Short and brown Righty or Lefty: Left LAYER TWO: ON THE INSIDE Your heritage: Dutch and German. Shoes you wore today: Dress shoes Your weakness: my opinions Your fears: Being judged and left alone Your perfect pizza: ham and pineapple Goal you'd like to achieve: Get somewhere in politics LAYER THREE: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW Your most overused phrase on AIM/MSN: brb Your thoughts first waking up: I loved my dreams last night Your best physical feature: My hands Your bedtime: I have fits of insomnia, so it changes a lot. Your most missed memory: Debating with my uncle LAYER FOUR: YOUR PICK Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi McDonald's or Burger King: Burger King Single or group dates: Single or Group, since I don’t date a lot, it doesn’t matter. Adidas or Nike: I don’t wear a lot of tennis shoes Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: I hate instant Tea Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate Cappuccino or coffee: Cappuccino LAYER FIVE: DO YOU? Smoke: No. Cuss: not usually. Take a shower: Every day. Have a crush: not at the moment Think you've been in love: Yes. Liked high school: It was ok Want to get married: If it’s the right person? Yes Believe in yourself: Mostly Get motion sickness: No Think you're a health freak: I guess so Get along with your parents: My mother, yes; but my father…let‘s not go there. Like thunderstorms: I love them LAYER SIX: IN THE PAST MONTH Drank alcohol: Nope. Gone on a date: No Gone to the mall: No Been on stage: Yes, tons Eaten an entire box of Oreos: No. Eaten sushi: yes Been dumped: No. Gone skating: No, not much of a skater Gone skinny dipping: No! Stolen anything: No LAYER SEVEN: HAVE YOU EVER Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: No. Been caught "doing something": Nope, haven’t even kissed anyone! Been called a tease: Nope. Gotten beaten up: Yes LAYER EIGHT: GETTING OLDER Age you hope to be married: 27. Number of Children: Depends on who the mother is and if she wants any. How do you want to die: In my sleep. What do you want to be when you grow up: politician. LAYER NINE: THE OBJECT OF YOUR AFFECTIONS Best eye color: green Best hair color: red Short or long hair: Depends on what looks best on her. Height: shorter than me Best first date location: Something fun and adventurous. Best first kiss location: During a thunderstorm LAYER TEN: IN THE NUMBERS Number of people I could trust with my life: Not many Number of CD's I own: None, I listen to the radio Number of piercings: None. Number of tattoos: None. Number of times my name has appeared in the Newspaper: A few times.

Well, today was another wonderful day *sarcasm* I was sick on Friday, so I wasn't there in government to learn that our paper (that takes the place of a test), was due today, and I was too busy throwing up to go get my syllabus from my locker. Somehow, miraculously, I got it done before sixth period.Then, I went to Speech Practice after school. That was nice...it feels strange though because I'm a senior and the Captain.....and it's just odd. Then I went to church. That was a nightmare. You see, it's youth night, and I work there as a leader....but I was so tired I kept falling asleep...and so it was crazy. Then all the kids went psycho and started insulting my mom (Mama Poff), and it took everything I had to be christianlike and NOT wring their pathetic little necks....grrrr. Then on the ride home, they started insulting me. It didn't really hurt, because let's face it, I really don't care what a bunch of 9-12 yr. olds think of me. If I did, I would have quit working at camp. It was just a wonderful closing to a great day. Then I get home, and my parents yell at me because 1) I used too many minutes this month, though most of them were from me to them when I was out of town, 2) because I made like, six one minute calls to Jasper IN, and I don't even KNOW anyone there....(at least I don't think I do....) So then I got online, and the first song that popped up on my online radio was 'Relearn Love' by Scott Strap, and it was....nice. It was like God was trying to cheer me up by giving me something I like to do: Learn.

I’m not falling for anymore of these tricks I’m so tired of everything here These words are calling me to the east Everyone’s debating out there My bags are packed as I’m looking out the window Everything is so modernized here I wanna move east to where the music is playin’ I want my friends to all be there Let’s pack up and move to District of Columbia I’ve got lots of friends out there We’ll never get bored cause we can go shoppin’ Let’s let the fun times take us there I’m tired of taking it slow So tired but I’m not sleeping I’m wired about to pick up my shoes Cause we’re all heading out for the weekend Let’s pack up and move to District of Columbia Hop on board before we get older Raise your hands and shout for ‘Columbia Come on, come on, come in, come on Let’s pack up and move to District of Columbia I’ve got lots of friends out there We’ll never get bored cause we can go dancin’ Let’s let the fun times take us there Come on, come on, come on, come on Let’s pack up and move to District of Columbia I’ve got lots of friends out there We’ll never get bored cause we can go shoppin’ Let’s let the fun times take us there Let’s pack up and move to Columbia! We’ve got lots of friends out there We’ll never get bored cause we can go singin’ Let’s let the sunshine take us there Let’s pack up and move to District of Columbia Hop on board before we get older Raise your hands we’re heading for the border Come on, come on, come on, come on This is a ParadyI wrote to 'Let's Pack up and Move to California', by Hawk Nelson. The lyrics should say it all....

Well, I had the most interesting dream last night. See, on Thursday before school ended, Mrs. Macnamara gave me a Nationl Close-Up flyer. Most of you don't know what that is, but it is something like NYLC, only less long and less cool. Anyway, last night I dreamt that I went...and some of my friends were there. *cough cough* In the middle of my dream, some crazy old guy tried to molest me. One of my friends, *cough cough*, saved me, and then we started going out, or something crazy like that. In the end, I had to save myself from a senile over-amorous senior....and my friend *cough cough* was there when everything was over, and....well, *blushes* the ending was VERy nice, if cliche romance movie...but what do I care? It was amazing...and Jess, I rented Miss Congeniality 2, and we ARE so like the two of them....only I am less black than Sam Fuller.....anyway, my weekend has been alright, though I miss all of y'all, and look forward to seeing you tommorow: Jess, I might ride the bus tommorow morning! Lyrics of The Day: Check it out What I needed to hear Wasn’t coming in clear And what I now know Is only partial info I speak over tempo To put words into motion You can’t stay stagnant With the future that’s approaching So wouldn’t you stand It’s either break or be broken Forget dry land I’d rather stand in the ocean And let the waves of devotion Roll over me Irony I had to suffocate Before I could breathe Now I’m in a head space I’ve never been before Ever since my feet hit the shore I tell ya boy It feels good So give me some more I say It feels good Well it’s a bit passionate for your radio But that’s alright though It’s good for your soul And it feels good to be out of control I said It feels good to be out of control Well it’s a bit passionate for your radio But that’s alright though It’s good for your soul And it feels good to be out of control I said It feels good to be out of control Now wait that’s something Adrenaline rushing And I’m touching The heart of God And adjusting Rather nice lead to the feeling That’s inside of me Alive in me Continually guiding me It’s surprising me It’s beyond my reach But it’s in my grasp I walk steadfast Along a narrow path Avoiding stairs and traps And all else that seems to keep me From who I need to be Right now I’m thinking clearly And I’m in a head space I’ve never been before Ever since my feet hit the shore I tell ya ha It feels good So give me some more I say It feels good Well it’s a bit passionate for your radio But that’s alright though It’s good for your soul And it feels good to be out of control I said It feels good to be out of control Well it’s a bit passionate for your radio But that’s alright though It’s good for your soul And it feels good to be out of control I said It feels good to be out of control Out of control Out of control It feels good to be out of control I said It feels good to be out of control Well it’s the big passionate for your radio But that’s alright though It’s good for your soul And it feels good to be out of control I said It feels good to be out of control Well it’s the big passionate for your radio But that’s alright though It’s good for your soul And it feels good to be out of control I said It feels good to be out of control Movie of the Day: Million Dollar Baby

Well, today I cried....again. I swear, I never want to cry again...but it will happen. First off, my Mom was in surgery today. She's ok now, but it threw me off for awhile. Then I made some comments about one of my good friends to his brother that I didn't really mean...I was just venting. I get home, and some psycho bimbo isn't trying to get to know Tim, she wants to know if he is hot...and that made me mad. On the bus, the song 'Yeah' by Usher started playing. I hate that song, but it has memories for me...like just about everything else. I feel too uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel like nothing has a purpose right now. On top of all that, one of my friends who works at the same place I do, is mad because I am starting at a higher pay than she is. It's enough to make me sick...or make me want to cry. Seriously, I just want to curl up somewhere and let the world pass me by...or sink slowly into my own imaginary world, where the pain I inflict is my own....

YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES!! Today was amazing. School was alright, but when I got home to check my E-mail...THERE WAS AN E-MAIL FROM GRANT! *Pats stripping obsessive Grant* I miss him. It was good to get his E-mail, but even better was the second one that I got. It was the E-mail from Alex with everyone else's E-mail on it. I was overjoyed. *Dances* Last night, I got bored on the Sims, so I made to families. Evansville- Myself, Kei, Jessica, and Kaitlin (With her random son, Gackt jr.) Outsiders: Corey, Brittany, Nicholas, Brock...and Grant. It is fun. Quote of the day: Dad, when I grow up, I want to be a Chick-Sexer.... Song of the Day: Anthem, by Superchick Lyrics of The Day: Here's to the ones who don't give up Here's to the ones who don't give up Here's to the ones who don't give up This is your anthem Get your hands up We are fire inside We are lipstick and cleats We are not going home and We are playing for keeps We are girls with skinned knees We are concrete and grace We are not what you think Can't keep us in our place Chorus: Here's to the girls on their boards with bruises and scars Here's to the girls whose fingers bleed from playing guitar Here's to anyone who never quit when things got hard You'll never let them say you'll never get that far You'll never get that far Never get that far We are a fire inside We are an army asleep We are a people awaking to follow their dreams We don't have time for your games We have our own goals to score There are trophies to win Instead of being one of yours Chorus Here's to the ones who don't give up Here's to the ones who don't give up Here's to the ones who don't give up This is your anthem Chorus Movie of the Day: Some new movie coming out soon about the President, that some of my friends were extras in...*ponders* I can't remember the title.

The lights go out all around me One last candle to keep out the night And then the darkness surrounds me I know I'm alive But I feel like I've died And all that's left is to accept that it's over My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made I try to keep warm but I just grow colder I feel like I'm slipping away After all this has passed I still will remain After I've cried my last There'll be beauty from pain Though it won't be today Someday I'll hope again And there'll be beauty from pain You will bring beauty from my pain My whole world is the pain inside me The best I can do is just get through the day When life before is only a memory I wonder why God let me walk through this place And though I can't understand why this happened I know that I will when I look back someday And see how You've brought beauty from ashes And made me as gold purified through these flames Here and I am at the end of me (at the end of me) Trying to hold to what I can't see I forgot how to hope This night's been so long I cling to your promise there will be a dawn I love these lyrics, and they reminded me so much of myself today. It was the worst day I’ve had since coming home, and I am not sure how to describe it. On the outside everything was fine, but on the inside? I felt so lonely, I felt like the darkness of loneliness was invading my very soul. But I know that once the pain fades, I will still be here, no matter what shape I’m in, because I know that there is a dawn somewhere out there for me. Whether it is a dawn of a career, or friendship, I know that there is a reason I am being passed through this flame. And it will all pay off. And There’ll be beauty from pain.

He's dead. Robert Raines, one of my children I tutored in north carolina, is dead. And everyone thinks I am over it. They think I am ok with it. They are so very wrong. I want to kill the jerk that did this, the man that beat him to death. I hope I never meet that man. I don't want his blood on my hands. WHY? He was so bright, so talented. He could have risen above the circumstances of life. Oh, God! Why? He was only Fourteen. Why is it that he died? I would have given my life for him. I would trade it now, if it would do any good. This isn't what I wanted for him. It isn't what I wanted for his younger brother, who has no one now. I want to scream, I want to kill something. I want to weep with sorrow. What I want most of all, is for grace to fall on me. Grace like rain. Like the tears that fell on his grave. Grace Like Rain.

I’m broken hearted, broken hearted for you So don’t get me started on repairs I know what you’re gonna do You’ll break it again I know I can’t win You’ll just break my heart again So the worst you do would make me cry You prolly done it to a hundred guys I’m not cryin’, I got somethin’ in my eyes You said you never really felt a thing You said you didn’t like the way I sing I’m not cryin’, but my eyes they really sting I’m broken hearted, broken hearted for you So don’t get me started on repairs I know what you’re gonna do You’ll break it again I know I can’t win You’ll just break my heart again Sounded crazy before you said goodbye Called me a loser, hopin’ I would die I’m not cryin’, I got somethin’ in my eye You said you never really felt a thing You said you didn’t like the way I sing I’m not cryin’, but my eyes they really sting I’m broken hearted, broken hearted for you So don’t get me started on repairs I know what you’re gonna do You’ll break it again I know I can’t win You’ll just break my heart again Ok, I know I already posted my entry for today...*points to 'Out of Control'* But I love these lyrics. Enjoy.

Today, well I am not quite sure how to describe today- Long and dull? Long but fun? (Daydream version) A blur? So many ways to accurately describe the many facets of Second day of Senior year. I DID get to debate in Gov't, and I was so excited when I realized it was so much like NYLC, only a semester in lenght and lacking Grant and Corey (My two best NYLC friends). Lunch was funny, but also dull and long. I miss being able to freely speak with JEss. It's like being cut off from my softer, more genlte, emotional half. It seemed almost as if she were in Minneapolis too! I HATE algebra, with a passion. but I think I will stay away from that topic. There was a German exchange student in the class, and I will admit he is rather good-looking. But he has nothing on Corey. Anyway *fights off blush* JESS! NO KNOWING SMILES HERE! Ahem. Anyway, Kim was trying to convince me to let her try to hook us up. NEedless to say how I felt about THAT! I'm writing a story. It's got an interesting plot, but it isn't a genre I am used to writing- JESS! No knowing smiles here! Senior Countdown: 178 days Movie of the day: Phantom of the Opera Song of The Day: Mambo #5 Quote of the Day: 'It had been like a dance, yes it was already a dance, but it had become an art. An artly dance, where control was being questioned. Who held it? But now, that was no longer a question. They were both out of control.'

Summer camp was a pain. I hate kids….it was so depressing, I don’t want to talk about it. NYLC…..what to say about that? It was amazing. More than amazing. More than I can get from my heart to my fingers. I will tell you a secret: First love. Yep, it happened. Maybe I should just talk about the emotions today, and the conference tommorow…. Corey, I guess we will start with him. A friend and yet so much more. He hates Hooters, but is a total gentleman. He loves dancing, but only swing and ballroom dancing. He loves Speech and Debate, but claims he will never argue with a lady. He makes me blush and makes me feel bold in the same breath. He has a gentle touch, but is confident. HE isn’t the most handsome guy I have ever seen, but I am drawn to him like a moth to a flame. I know I will get burned, but I just HAVE to tough the brightness. He loves Barnes and Noble as much as I do…when we were in Baltimore together, we found one that is three stories, and spent all afternoon there. Later, there was a dance, and we discovered a mutual love for old swing dances, and old dances in general. We are both captains of our respective speech teams. He lives in Minneapolis. I live in Evansville. Life is cruel. I waited alone at Gate 3 of Ronald Reagan International Airport, Gate 3 goes to Indy. Gate 4 was flying to Minneapolis. I got on the plane, and stayed strong. Until I saw the farms of Indiana, and I cried like there was no tommorow….. To me it felt like there wasn’t. I dried my tears long enough to get through the terminal, and see another flight to Minneapolis. I lost it again. He is the only boy I have ever cried over. This morning I got out of bed, and wanted nothing more than to stay there and dream. To relive moment after precious moment. Love is like a chipped and fractured chalice. It hurts, but you have to risk drinking or remain thirsty……forever Movie of the Day: Casablanca Quote: IF you don’t get on that plane, you may not regret it today, or even tommorow, but you will regret it the rest of your life.