i feel like shit

i've been sick today and yesterday, and it really really sucks. i didn't think about jessica much last weekend, but today and yesterday i've thought about her too much. thinking about her having sex with other people really gets to me. ugh. why am i still so fixated on her? i have a lovely girlfriend.

i can't believe carolyn's going to this party, with her ex boyfriend. and she's going to get drunk. and cheat on me. god. let's see what happens. test. if she fails, my misery is confirmed. if she passes, then i can trust her but since i don't trust her, i don't know if she passes or fails so i have to find someway of knowing.

well, a month. and that? hmmm. i feel better, sort of. i mean, 1 and a half weeks ago, i found out that she's had sex, with more than one guy. yeah. that bothered me. but not as much as i thought it would. she emailed me, as well. and that bothered me too. and she's been on my mind alot. too much. WAY too much. i feel bad because of it. i was in love with her, and in many ways, i still wish it could be tristan and jessica. but it's not, and now it's tristan and carolyn, and jessica and (flavour of the week). and with that, i feel like shit, most days. carolyn's come a long way. i used to think it could never work out between us, but sometimes she grows on me. she's become a lot more sweet and open, but it's just not how it was when i was with my ex at this stage. it isn't love that i have now. but at least it's loving, and happy. and carolyn loves me, and i love her. but i don't know. my mentality is going haywire, and i'm always moody. i'm either at one end or the other. compltely bi-polar. and my stupid parents and i really aren't getting along lately. nor my sister. and often, not even carolyn gets me. paige is often not in my life, for days and days, and matthew and lukas are almost out of the picture. raff, just dissappeared completely. tammy was barely there, everyone else is just and extra anyways. jared's back now and then. i keep thinking about how i just let everything fall apart. but i really should stop. i'm going mentally defficient. all of these culminating activities are really taking their toll as well. im really stressed, and physically i feel disgusting. maybe i can get things back on track. i really should, in like ALL areas of my life.. I have a psychic, and she said i'm lonely, and that my future would be all right. but she was wrong. at least i don't live in china.

lets forget shall we. and accept everything for what it is. and stop hoping and planning on things that will never happy. and learn to love what you have got.

i wasted today what a surprise.

what a bitch. i call her today, and she complains about how bored she is. then she gets home, doesn't call me, then is on msn and tell me to call her. then she insults me, isn't helpful at all when i tell about my really horrible dreams, trys and makes me feel guilty, then when her frined comes over, she just says "got to go bye" and hangs up, before even giving me a chance to say goodbye. some best friend. god. i feel so fucking alone. she's like the one person i could talk about such issues. i can't tell carolyn that im having second thoughts, or that someone from my past is tormenting me in my mind. i just feel like shit, and i'm still sick. this sucks. AND THIS whole thing is so pointless. AHHH. im so bored.

i know i need help. to rid myself of thinking about my past. about regrets. i should regret breaking up with her. what has it been, 2, 3 months? i can't regret it. i was the right decision. i just am so bored with carolyn. and i don't love her. and i loved jessica. and i guess that's why i'm so unsatisfied. and i wish these thoughts would go away. and that i wouldn't be so sad anymore. but i cant deny it. i want to be something. somebody. i want to write something or do something incredible. and i want to spend my time with someone i love. i am miserable inside. i don't think all this bottling up is healty.

i ready my horescope, but i just can't pull it off alone (TRISTAN: TARUS: MAY 21st METRO, TORONTO)

what do i do? im so bored. why must i hold on to everyone who gives me a chance. im so clingy. i hate me. anyways. again, what do i do if i don't love someone, i know its got to end by a certain date, but i don't want to loose them?

hi. how has it been. what day is it. oh. it's been ten days. well, that's quite a long time. it feels like longer though. my life has become a lot better. Carolyn has given new meaning to everything. i make her happy, and god knows she makes me happy. ill be honest, i dont know how or if this is going to work out. i like her so much, and i know she does too. i'm just worried i guess. i dont know why. but i just dont know. it seems too good to be true. what if she gets bored of me, or me of her. what if her ex steps into the picture. i need to do homewokr. im so behind.. im sort of down today. i dont know why. maybe it's cause i'm not wiht care, or maybe it's cause it's so nice out but i dont want to hang out with anyone. or maybe it's cause she's at work. i just feel so... useless. you know? there's so much that I want, but i can't have and that I dont have. i feel like i'm full of smart things, and wise things, and i feel like they should be in songs, and that i could make beautiful music but i don't know how. i feel like i could be a model, if it wasn't for my complexion. i feel like my friends are never around and i dont have enough to do. but when my friends call, i dont want to hang out with them.

can i hold carolyn? i dont understand her.

im a bit annoyed. i wanted to see carolyn today. but she's very fickle. i havent been thinking of jessica much lately. on and off. nothing really major. thankfully. i still wish i had someone to hold.

all through today, i've experienced an eerie sort of lost consciousness. it's odd. i feel like nothing's happened. like all memory of the past is simply memory, but not like i just did all those things. i mean, it's knowledge, but not memory, does that make any sense? and i feel so boring and stupid and i feel like a loser and im sad f u c k why am i always complaining.

guess who's sick again this weekend. me. and sicker than last :(

i love carolyn.

what the heck! why am i thinking about her so much today. im not even sad. she's just travelling through my thoughts. i was doing so well too. i'm feeling less sick, which is good. there are a lot of things i miss, and a lot of things i don't. hopefully, soon, i'll be able to share those things i miss with someone else.

im sick. i feel like shit. i wish the sick would go away. at least i dont have to go to that school tomorrow.

ohh... why did carolyn have to get my mind spinning. She's so nice! but why on earth did she have to tell me that thing about my ex.

i feel stupid and simple. i feel worthless, pointless, and dirty. i wish i could live with some degree of purpose. i can't. nothing has a meaning... i wish the songs that better people wrote for better reasons could show some sort of... i don't know. I wish i could do that. write a song and sing it and play it. but i'd be doing it for all the wrong reasons. and thinking of musicians just makes me think about my lost love, and how she fell for one because he was everything I'm not. I feel so.. bland, unindividual. Boring, Forgetful. I've already forgotten. I hate me. I hate me, and I hate me feeling sorry for myself. I hate so much right now.