Everything feels so strange lately. something is without a doubt very different about me. i can't quite put a finger on wat it surely is. i feel almost mentally handicapped to not realize wats different and wats wrong. there has to be something wrong...there always is. ever since i could remember my life has gone done the toilet with a few i mean very few breaks and sighs of relief. i have friends...i really do. i have tons of them. i mean close friends too. i still feel like i'm that 5 year old girl just getting used to kindergarten and having an all black class. no friends. no one wants to talk to you. you feel like a dreadful disease. you try your hardest to be the friendliest most caring person and still be left out. you resort to lying. lying was a big part of this. i hate facing reality. that i'm only 15. yet i'm almost an adult. i'm stuck in the middle. i'm a crazy teenager locked inside my own soul. i punish myself. subconsciencely ofcourse. only to realize it later. i hate me i hate this life. wats a life without love. my blood feels like its constantly being drained out of me like i'm not important enough for my own blood. i never understand why my thoughts of my mortality can progress into morbid stories. if you knew wat went on in my head you would run away from this insane nasty truth. i love so many people. yet i treat a lot of you like shit. i hate myself. i was never given the love and trust from family that a lot of you get. i never get to escape and go to someones house. i have to be a prisoner in my own home. my g-ma is the warden and i hate how she runs things. i wish ppl could change i've learned the hard way. over 15 years this woman hasnt change a single thing about herself if anything shes worse! everything is beyond me. i'm so feeble. no one truly understands my need for help. i need healing and i need change i need the hate and fighting and crying and depression to go away. but it clings to me like barnacles on a whale. its not pretty either. the worst thing of all is... everyone knows i'm going through hell and no one does anything about it not even me. go ducky. for letting herself get so crazy she cant stop hiding her emotions and eating herself to fat heaven. for never believing in herself. for always feeling like bad luck. for never showing her true emotions to the people that really truly matter. for never even knowing her true self. i'm crazy to the point i dont even know myself. i have no idea who i am. i... i.... i am just another face with a tortured soul underneath.