isaw theBeast at the mall and had a panic attack in front of like 100people. and i am IN LOVE WITH YOU CHRIS!!!! I WOULDNT HAVE It ANY OTHER WAY!!!!!!!!!

im soooooo fucking sick its not even fair. i just want someone to put me out of my misery. that and im on the rag and have killer cramps then i have to go to the doctor AGAIN and this time theyre going to shove a camers up my crotch and look around. when to doc told me this i just was like well. are you gay or straight? and hes like i have a wife and kids. and i say ok then i want either a gay guy or a chick looking right up in there cuse its creepy for a straight guy to do it especially when i dont even know you. sooooooooo i hurt everywhere. ow. i wanna cry.

i know what an eating disorder is people ive had so many fucking evaluations done on me i know what im talking about. ive had bulimia for a long time now. i know what the hell is up.

i feel so tired... things have just been so bad and i just want to give up and die. im afraid of death but i welcome it just the same. i want it but i fear it. more i just want release than death... i wonder if theres a spell for that... ive been cutting again, freaking about my body, and people arent helping the matter. i just want everything to go away and let me be in my mind; the only place where im at peace. but ironicly my mind is so full of images i want to forget and i cant help but let my mind wander to them. i mean have you ever had that? where you can feel and smell and taste everything but really its all just in your head and you just remember it so vividly? i remember the Beast's heavy body on mine. me not being able to breathe because his mouth is smothering mine. i can feel the breeze flowing through the tent. hear dougs cataleptic breathing while he sleeps... hear the trees shifting and groaning as if in protest to what Beast is doing to me. i can still feel his horrid hands carressing every inch of my body and it makes me sick. i shudder every time i think of that night. i cant help it. it happened over 6 months ago and i can still remember it all. i still feel dirty even though ive taken hundreds of showers since that night. i just want to know why i cant forgeteverything and move on with my life.

soooo i got back from mall of america yesterday night i gots me a bunch of invader zim stuff. more later.

i was in so much pain this morning i was almost in tears. i have this pain in my left side and went to the doctor and got a whole shit load of tests done. they made me piss in a cup and drew blood and took x-rays and stuff. my arm where they took blood is bruised as shit. apparently i have blood in me where its not supposed to be. not fun. ooops time for more vic. thats better. sooooo im bored and such and im leaving for Minneappolis at 6:30 today. fun fun. i hpoe Katie can come over till i leave. i ll miss her so much over the weekend. *tear* i tell her everything. shes me best friend. i realized that its damn near impossible to find someone who you can tell everything and not worry that theyll tell someone else. now THATS special. ive only found one other person like that in my whole life. most people only encounter one person like that in their whole lives. knowing that makes me feel better about how today has been going. cuse its yet another bad day at school. i wont go into details. ill just say that its getting harder and harder to escape my past. im trying to destroy my old life to create a new one and people arent letting me do that. oh well i can still try, right? i mean im not trying to destroy everything about who i was, its still a pat of me, but im trying to rid myself of the bad things.

i did it again.... i havnt done it in almost a month... but things have been so hard lately i just didnt see any other way to feel better about things. that and ive been throwing up my food. again. i know 137 pounds isnt THAT fat but i feel like a blimp or something equally large and bulbous. i really hate myself right now. i know that sounds emo but i dont care. damn. >_<

WHOO HOO I FOUND ME A POSTAGE STAMP!!!!!!!! k so thats bout it. also things have gotten so bad at school my mom asked me if i wanted to change schools. the only other schools in the district are religous schools and i dont think thatd be better for me. theyd see my penticle, piercings, and tattoos and call me a satanist. poo on that.

i cant stand people... in English we were talking about sylvia plath and how she attempted suicide her junior year... and Jesse was like "how do you ATTEMPT suicide?" so i reply, "when you try to kill yourself but dont succeed" JEsse: "yea you have a lot of history with that dont you" in front of the class. i mean how would you feel if you were running away from your past and trying to start over but everytime you try and asshole reminds you of all your past hurt. they have no idea of why i tried to die before and they dont even bother to ask. they just let poison words fly from their mouths without a second thought know that it will hurt me but they just dont care. they dont even know about the things ive had to deal with in my past. they just dont care. so why do i care what they think? its in my nature. i LISTEN. i Care. its what i do and it always winds up hurting me. but i cant help it. i put up this hard exterior but sometimes it cracks a little and some of the hurtful things leak through.

my side hurts really bad so im going to the doctor again for it. maybe theyll give me some more Vic. thatd be fun. so the guy i like asked out my best friend and she said yes cuse she didnt know i liked him. me and my parents arent getting along so good anymore...again. my mom is trying to relive her 20s and is spending a whole shit load of money on herself and shes picked up a new behavior: making it obvious that being with me is like a chore for her. shed rather be out with her friends than with her daughter. i dont understand it... we used to be really close but then she got really vain and now the only time she wants me with her is to tell her if she looks good in outfits she tries on. im really starting to hate her. thenn my best friends dad is hurting her feelings all the time that verbally abusive drunken lout. ~me

so my birthday is in 10 days. whoo hoo. going to mall of america for it. so im so sick of people beign mean.

BLARGH!!!!!!!!!!!! ummmm MY COCK IS MUCH BIGGER THAN YOURS! ahhh i *heart* System of a Down.

uhm wow what the hell are they talking about... ah. erics 5 inch penis. facinating. karyns gonna be real dissapointed. k so im 5'7'' 15 piercings (6 on each ear, 2 on lip, and me tummy button) hmmm i prolly should be doing me report on word religins but i managed to convince my teacher to let me do it in my own little way. i was looking up the comparsons of Wicca to Christanity and Mr C asked me to do a report and inform the class that witches arent people flying around on brooms. it should be interesting. last semester i did a How To report in tea leaf readings and that wound up being a pretty pofitable idea. $3 bucks for a tea leaf reading or a tarot card reading. ive got the mad skills. hmmm i should figure out how to put a picture on here. first i hafta work out my stupid fucking scanner. >_< meeeehhhh! oh gods now theyre talking about dislocating some guys penis. my art class is so wierd. we spend the hour trying to touch our tounges to our noses. anyway. i gots ta go. im looking for a new tattoo design. i have 4 that i did myself. i did my piercings myself too. woot. k so byes. ~me

k so im bored in english and i cracked the password on the administration block... soooooo ummmm yea im becki and i...... dont know. blah