She was always perfection to me. An amazing exception. Alice. I'm difficult to be in a relationship with: i get bored, i'm moody, unpredictable, selfish and at times incredibly cold. But the bad traits are a side of me exposed when i'm unhappy. The opposite is true when i'm content, which is a rare thing with girlfriends. I've just finished with this one girl, for instance. I don't think this is such a good example, since she wasn't particularly pleasant, but i guess that's probably a view i would take considering everything. Anyway, she wasfun at first, but then i found her to be boring, she was critical, slobbish, OH SO VERY BORING, hypocritical, spoilt, ignorant, god i could go on. The topper was probably the fact that, unlike many other people who share these traits, she was not oblivious to them and the damage she could cause. She simply didn't care. I grew to like her less and less. We were fucking at first, then i found myself unable to be aroused by her. She was fit, yeah, but her methods of seduction were based entirely on her looks, and not on using her mind. Does this seem shallow? It sounds backwards, writing it up now. I grew bored of her because i found her unpleasant in the worst ways, this effected my percepton of her physically, until i found her no longer attractive. Please forgive the extensive rant on this girl, it's the first time i've considered how i feel about this. I've got so many feelings speeding around inside me it's difficult to tell what i feel about something until i write about it. I grew disgusted and seperated myself. First, we stopped sleeping together. For a relationship based almost entirely on sex, this was a bad sign. Next i found myself irritated by her frequent presence, and embarrassed by her, say, turning up while i was hanging out with other friends (probably because i knew what they thought of her). Eventually i stopped smiling when we chatted, although this may be because her conversations skills were stale at best. Jeez, i'm really bitter, huh? Eye contact diminished, tone of voice grew irritated. I really don't know why she kept coming back. We weren't a 'thing', there's no history between us. Ok, we were amazing at the start, but there were definate problems. My closest friend, April, knew something was fucked up here, so did my mum, and Alice. Why did i carry it on? I guess i just wanted it to work, wanted something to work. But i knew my reputation was being slowly demolished by someone who didn't care about theirs. So i grew tired, cranky, intolerant. Just like i did with any other girl i eventually got bored with. *Returning to continue: I realised on a bus why i'm so easy to get hooked on. Considering how i act in relationships, and leading up to them, it's pretty clear. If i like something, if i'm into it, i get SO excited and focus a substantial amount of energy on it. I have a LOT of energy in this sense compared to a normal person, so it would seem that not only am i very keen on the person (in most cases) of my exaggerated interest, but i pour into them more time and effort than is possible by others. Hence what they get with me is more than they've ever got before. If i get bored, this all stops. It seems natural to panic and cling on when this happens, which suffocates or bugs me, so eventually i am filed with resentment. I also realised on this bus how i knew this thing with Rose was gonna fail. She was a selfish and lazy lover. She would stroke me by batting her hand across my skin with no consideration for amount of pressure applied, location of hands/body or response, and would stop after less than 3 minutes. She relied on me to teach her everything. A selfish, lazy lover is a selfish, lazy person. And i don't like these traits in people, they irritate me until i'm filled with disgust. Rose disgusted me. Alice never did. to be continued (again...)