i dont care who on gods fuckking creation reads this... you're the only boyy i think i've everr EVER felt this way about...this has gotten me soo worked up. i only think about you anymore. and i cant stop. and i know you live REALLLYYYYY far awayy but i think i could handle it. i've done OKAYY so far. only three different boyys since we've started talking... you said that you didnt want to hold me backk. and i would never want to hold you back. i know that since you live so far awayy that you probablyy alreaddy like someone else... im not the jealous type...but when you tell me that you're hanging out with you're best friend kaylee and stephen and stephen's girlfriend...it seems to me like you guys are just a big happy group. and i know they know you like me... and im sure they know i like you... but some how...i just keep getting this feeling that you're gonna fall for you bestfriend...which sucks. cuz she'd be more logical...seeing as how you're with her everydayy anywayy. and i only ever get you telling me that you miss me and "ily." nothing else...it saddens me... all i wanted was to be with you. and i cant wait to meet you... you have ABSOLUTELYY no idea... im so excited... i remember one of the first things you told me this week...you said that you had never thought that you could have liked someone soo much over myspace...but you said that you did...and then you told me that you loved me... and im onlyy hoping that that's true... cuz im lost with out you. you're the onlyy person that really truelyy makes me smile anymore... and not those fakke "im smiling but only cuz i dont want you to think im ignoring you" smiles...the actuall..."omg...you're amazing" smile...the one i havent smiled in forever... and i love that... you picked me up when i was down mondayy... i was soo bummed out about me and katie fighting...and you told me that you loved me until i finally smiled...and you told me that it would all blow over in the next few days...unfortunatelyyy...it hasnt... but you were there for me... you knew something was up from the moment you IMed me. and i find that completelyy amazing. you dont know how much i love you. and you'll probablyy never understand it. i feel so much for you...and i dont even know if you feel the same...but i love you bradley bear...you're my mr. AMAZING. =]] night sweetheart...i hope to talk to you at least on christmas night. ♥

is the absolute first love of my life. i dont think i've ever felt like this. is this how it alwayys feels?? ::butterflies when we talk:: ::goosebumps when he says i love you:: ::dying when we dont talk:: ::killing myelf over other guys and kisses cuz it feels wrong:: the onlyy suckyy thingg is that he lives in NH. and i live in IN. im practically in love...but it cant ever happen... i get to finalyy meet him durring spring break... and im the most excited person in the world... i hope things work.

so... theres this guy. ♥his name is andrew.♥ i pretty much like him. well...for the moment. im not good at the whole liking anyone thing. im good at the loving someone thing. but i dont want to tell him that i love him. cuz i dont want it to be weird and what not. he's wonderfull though. he tells me almost every night that im cute. and we've been talking like crazy. we're ALWAYs on the phone until like 12am. and its wonderful. i get to see him thursday. and for the first time... im not nervous. im spending the night with him. no...im not a slut...me, my best friend, and his best friend are all staying together. im just excited. and if something happens... oh well. im just really glad that i've finally found someone for me. someone i like, who likes me for me. we arent gonna date yet. but we're "together" just not. and i find that amazing. cuz thats what i wanted in the first place. so in the end. its a win/win situation. i cant wait til tomorrow. yay. ♥

so basicly im stuck between two guys...my ex, who has all of a sudden decide we should date again...and my best friends ex, who has no idea what he wants, but somehow finds time for me. i like my ex, but we've become really good friends...he's cool and all, but i dont want to ruin this friendship thing for us...i like my friends ex, but he's confusing...and always has me wondering what the hell im doing. i dont know...maybe i should just stop caring...everything will flow how it wants...right? i hope so. well. gots to get. till then... ♥-sleeping with my eyes wide shut-♥

last night a friend of mine and her sister, a friend of her sister's, the friends brother and his friend were all in an accident. the three girls in the back died. my friend included, her sister, and her sisters friend. the boys were life flighted to evansville. i hate that everyone around me i know or love is just dying. it sucks. and in the past 4 months its been car accidents thats taken everyone away from me, my uncle, and now my friend. why does this guy they call god hate me. i really think that i dont believe in him. not if he's gonna treat me like shit. i hate this. what did i ever do to deserve such a fucking messed up life. i HATE this shit. ugg.

so basicly. today was a GRRREAT day. i baught the new afi cd. ahh. its wonderful. everyone should buy it. i love love love it. and then after i baught the cd. i went and watched them on the mtv movie awards. wonderful preformance if i must say. it made me uber excited in my pants! i love them 4 guys. and its pretty much exciting. then me and my sister got in a fight which was pretty funny. i slapped her a cross the face. and she threw the phone at me and shattered my elbow in like 9576404978 different places. it hurts. but its pretty histerical. i think anyways. well. i gots to get. i will ttyl. peace. ♥brittany

this has been the best day eva! heck yes. in exactly one month im going to jasper to see BROOKLYN UK. yes. i talked about them before. woot. then i found out that im not going to fail accounting. woot. and then i also found out that the one guy that i've liked for like two or three months, likes me too, the only problem is that he's afraid to tell me. damn. haha. but then i got hit in the head by a dodge ball. FUCK. haha. but its all good. cuz i got 12 hours of sleep last night, and its all good. 12 hours is good cuz i didnt sleep the two nights before, cuz i was working on my accounting shit. woot. not failing. and the only bad thing about today was the fact that its the last mash potatoe day at school. every wed. is like a holiday to us. haha. but we were all bummed about it. but its okay. anyways. i had a good day so im excited. i cant wait to see my favorite band. they promised to say hey after the show, cuz we're all friends and shit. they're from tennessee. and they played at my bestest friends sweet 16. and me and the guitarist CALEB SEAY♥ got married. so its all good. anyways. ttyl. ♥-brittany p.s. WHERE'S THE LOVE IN A LAP DANCE? just think about it. it'll come to you. PANIC!

theres this band that i love. you should all check them out. they're called brooklyn uk.and im in love with one of the guitarists named caleb.just thought you should know.if you got a myspace, look them up on myspace music.and if not, they have a website.its www.brooklynuk.com.trust me, they rock. well. im gonna get. love to all. ♥brittany. p.s. my 17th b-day is in like exactly 3 months. make sure to wish me a happy one. yay.

im going to a party tomarrow. i can only hope to get trashed. haha. jk. i hope that doesnt happen. but if i get trashed i get trashed. oh well. it'll be really rad though. i cant wait. its gonna rock my socks and what not. woot. woot. =) well. gots to get off here. im tired and i gots to get to bed. *YAWN!* night to you all. ♥ brittany

you guys. i think that i was so caught in drama and shit to remember to tell you all that my uncle is dead. he died in some car accident. he was driving his friend home and he swerved to miss some dear and he like flew into a tree. the stearing wheel impailed him. he didnt die on impact though. he actually made it to the table and was able to call my aunt tell her that he was dying and tell her that he loved her and then died on the phone. it sucks. i cried for a week straight. and had to go to his memorial service last wed. it sucked. the pastor kept calling him david and his name is actually jeff. it sucks. but at least he doesnt have to worry about being an acoholic anymore. thats a good thing. im sorry that i didnt say anything sooner. i kinda didnt get on much last week. no time if you know what i mean. sorry. anyways. im talking to my friend derek so im gonna go. much love. ♥brittany

random day for me. went to school. had an okay day. this guy wanted to talk to me so we're talking. then i came home. went to sleep and now im on the internet talking to him. he's a hottie. yay. anyways. i cant wait to sleep. i love my bed. and im tired. so gots to get. ♥brittany

The All-American Rejects:♥: Dirty Little secret Let me know that I've done wrong When I've known this all along I go around a time or two Just to waste my time with you Tell me all that you've thrown away Find out games you don't wanna play You are the only one that needs to know I'll give you my dirty little secret (Dirty little secret) Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret (Just another regret, hope that you can keep it) My dirty little secret Who has to know When we live such fragile lives It's the best way we survive I go around a time or two Just to waste my time with you Tell me all that you've thrown away Find out games you don't wanna play You are the only one that needs to know I'll give you my dirty little secret (Dirty little secret) Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret (Just another regret, hope that you can keep it) My dirty little secret Who has to know The way she feels inside (inside) Those thoughts I can't deny (deny) These sleeping dogs won't lie (won't lie) And all I've tried to hide It’s eating me apart Trace this life out I'll give you my dirty little secret (Dirty little secret) Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret (Just another regret) I'll give you my dirty little secret (Dirty little secret) Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret (Just another regret, hope that you can keep it) My dirty little secret Dirty little secret Dirty little secret Who has to know who has to know

My Friends Over You I'm drunk off your kiss, For another night in a row. This is becoming too routine for me, But I didn't mean to lead you on. And it's alright to pretend, That we still talk. It's just for show, isn't it, It's my fault that it fell apart. Just maybe, you need this. And I didn't, mean to, lead you on. You were everything I wanted, But I just can't finish what I started. There's no room left here on my back, It was damaged long ago. Though you swear that you are true, I'd still pick my friends over you. My friends over you. Please tell me everything, That you think that I should know. About all the plans you made, When I was nowhere to be found. And it's alright to forget, That we still talk. It's just for fun, isn't it, It's my fault that it fell apart. Just maybe, you need this. And I didn't, mean to, lead you on. You were everything I wanted, But I just can't finish what I started. There's no room left here on my back, It was damaged long ago. Though you swear that you are true, I'd still pick my friends over you. My friends over you. Just maybe, you need this. You need this. And I didn't, mean to, lead you on. You were everything I wanted, But I just can't finish what I started. There's no room left here on my back, It was damaged long ago. Though you swear that you are true, I'd still pick my friends over you. My friends over you. You were everything I wanted, But I just can't finish what I started. There's no room left here on my back, It was damaged long ago. Though you swear that you are true, I'd still pick my friends over you. My friends over you.

UNEARTH Black Hearts Now Reign Take. Rob this world of resource. Burn the oil for fortune. Stealing from our savior. In quest of power. Sealed. Our fate is catastrophic. The coming days of failure. Aborting evolution. In quest of power. Take all you want and these bloody skies will reign. Take what's hers and these bloody skies will reign. These bloody skies will reign. These bloody skies will reign. Oh mother, close your eyes. These bloody skies will reign. Dear savior, brace your heart. These bloody skies will reign. Oh mother close your eyes. These bloody skies will reign. Dear savior, brace your heart. You. Take. Rob this world of resource. Burn the oil for fortune. Stealing from our savior. In quest of power. Sealed. Our fate is catastrophic. The coming days of failure. Aborting evolution. In quest of power. Blackened lives. Sunless skies. Our bare world weeps. Black hearts now reign. Blasphemous corruption. Control progression. Our bare world weeps. Black hearts now reign. Black hearts now reign. In solitude a lonely voice is heard. This future of despair is easy to avoid. This future of despair is easy to avoid. Lies strangle this world's hope. In quest of power. In quest of power. In quest of power. In quest of power. In quest of power. In quest of power.

UNDEROATH Young And Aspiring So lets not even try... you're right. Let's ball it up and throw it out the window. It's becoming all so clear In my mind. I've thought this thing through more than once or twice. I feel that this Is my last request to you. Hold your breath.... bottle it up and save it for the next one. It's safe To say we've been writing this All night. None of this will ever change your mind. It's never safe to Rely on borrowed Time. Now we're both undone, and it's time to open Up your eyes. Consequence, it's our need in times like these. Feeling free... it's our modern disease. Your a classic disaster, with a Knack for losing your Exterior. (I'm so sick)... from staring at the mirror. This all needs a break from you, and I'm used to this. I fear that I am just an end. So you play the mistaken... and I'll play the victim in our screenplay of Desire... I'm still writing the letters I'll never send. Running in circles I can't forget how many times I've played this in my mind.... feeling free, feeling free. Consequence, it's our need in times like these. Feeling free... it's our modern disease. Your a classic disaster, with a Knack for losing your exterior. (I'm so sick)... from Staring at the mirror. This is my panic... This is my call to arms.

i think im pretty much dead to the world. im starting to realize that other than my friends. no one really notices me. i walk in the halls pretty much alone. i only think about things. i dont really care about that though. i dont really meet guys as often as i'd like, but im sure that if i tried i might find someone that likes me back. im sure that if things with me and my mom were good. if we had the same relationship as her and my sister heather than maybe i'd have a little more positive self esteam. and im sure that if i was a little more outgoing that i would have a few more friends. i dont know. its just something that i've noticed. i havent really thought about it much. just that im not really seen at school and thats fine. i realize that there are a whole load of ppl at my school and hey. thats cool. but i keep thinking that maybe i need to branch out and be in different groups. well thats what my sister keeps telling me to do anyway. but i dont know. its just something that i thought that i might share.

so basicly. my mom is being the biggest bitch on the west side of evansville. me and her havent gotten along since i was in the first grade when she punched me in the face and said that i was a bitch. just cuz i woke her up asking for water. whatever. we worked through that. so i thought. she hadnt laid a hand on me in a few months so i thought that everything was okay for a while. but i was wrong. like always. me and her got into a fight. this happens EVERY night. i cant stand it. but it does. i was doing my chores and i just so happened to piss my mom off cuz i wasnt listening to her. (i had my headphones on and the volume was all the way up. i cant hear a thing when im like that. i go into my own little world.) anyways. i was blocking her out when out of nowhere. she knocks the cd player into the sink. (thank god that there wasnt water in it yet.) but it went in and my headphones fell off my head and into the sink too. well. instead of worring about my cd player. i worried about my jamison parker cd. i love it. i just got it yesterday. and already i know 3 of the songs. but i checked it and it was scratched like non other. anyways. i screamed. and this was a loud pitched "if you dont leave me the fuck alone i'll pick up this knife that im getting ready to wash and slit your fucking throat" scream. she looked at me and punched me in my face. the right side of my face was beat red. i wanted to kill. and i was going to if i had my way. instead of cutting like i might have done about a month ago. (i havent slit my wrists for a whole month. go me!) i called my friend trinity. i call her for just about anything. when she heard me crying she left the bonfire that she was at to go back to her house and call me back where we had better reception. i was balling and i wanted to cut. but she told me that i needed to calm down and tell her what happened. when she heard she wanted to come and get me. but my mom wouldnt let me leave the house. so i couldnt get away. then my mom told me that i had to go with her to sell girlscout cookies and that if i didnt i wasnt going ANYWHERE for a month. i told her i'd go. i went. but i didnt want to do anything and i looked like i worshipped satan. and im sure that everyone else thought so. so i joked around about it and my mom freaked out on me saying that NO child of hers worships satan. so in a joking manar i told her that i had known i wasnt her daughter for quite some time now and was just trying to figure out when i should tell her. she got pissed and told me that i was grounded for two months and that when we got home she was going to kick my ass. lucky for me. my sister who went, got to go to grinders with her friends and mom needed my help bad. so not only am i ungrounded. i also got her to buy me my energy drink that she had promised to me. i was happy. but now shes all being a bitch again. and i swear that if i get bitched out again this week or slapped again this week i'll call my dad and be all "im moving to oragon to live with you if you can come up with the money for the plane ticket." i cant stand my parents and im ready to kill. i really am. well. i should go. this diary is probably longer than anything ever. mcuh love. ♥brittany.

♥

In you I see further.♥ Can it last forever?♥ Identify your patients, XY configurations♥ Words are lost in your eyes.♥ One thought inside my heart.♥ Drop addicts in the mixture, falcons have♥ blown the fixture♥ Think of me as days pass us by.♥ Shards of glass♥ Skin of gold♥ Steal my breath♥ Blood runs cold♥ Violet waves♥ Oceans blue♥ All my love♥ Lost in you♥ In you I see further.♥ Can it last forever?♥ Sinkhole that we would frequent,♥ White heels safe from extinction♥ Words are lost in your eyes.♥ One thought inside my heart.♥ I said that I don't need you, but I'm a liar,♥ I swear I do, I do♥ Strip away♥ Vanity♥ I do♥ Just as you♥ Consume me♥ I do♥ Broken smile♥ Starless sky♥ I do♥ Save it all♥ Say goodbye♥ You're out in left field, and lacking interest♥ You fight the boredom but it makes no♥ difference♥ Your mental health kid, that's what's in question♥ Keep acting obscure, we'll keep them guessing The moment ideas are conceived,♥ They'll be out of touch, obsolete,♥ They're faking champions hand picked,♥ And all the fights have been fixed,♥ You wake to suffer through the day,♥ Trade a dream for the pay,♥ Well here's the fact I hope it sticks,♥ You're just alive out of habit♥ Shards of glass♥ Skies of gold♥ Steal my breath♥ Blood runs cold♥ Violet waves♥ Oceans blue♥ All my love♥ Lost in you♥ Strip away♥ Part of me♥ Just as you consume me♥ Broken smile♥ Starless sky♥ End it all♥ Say good-bye.♥ Think of me as I say good-bye.♥

hey there all.♥ i just wanted to drop in and say hey. school gets in 2 hours late today. so i thought that i'd just make a diary. im kinda bored so im gonna put a song lyric in here. AS I LAY DYING: Empty Hearts I've watched them build Upon these empty hearts False hopes of lossless paradise Gathering together The dead hearts beat as one Stillborn comfort feeding lies Through answers of self denial Divided between a dissolute self And the sorrow of sincere devotion What is it that you find peace in now Where is your hope in this dark night