I have quit. I made a pact with my personal religious diety, the Goddess, and I quit. What did I quit? I quit smoking, quit all the drugs, and I'm not even drinking anymore. Never again! The thing is though, my ex probably thinks its because of her because she sent me an email saying she was going to get back with me until she found out I did cocaine again a few days ago. Its not because of her though because I made this pact the day before I even got the email. I hope she believes me, but I wouldn't blame her if she didn't. I just hope she can see that the truth is all there and I am through with everything. I just love her so much. I've never felt this way about anyone. This is the first time I can ever say that I know the meaning of the word love. If she won't believe me I don't know what I'll do. I guess I'll just do what I've always done and die some more inside. I'm sitting here right now and I'm actually crying because I fear she won't believe me and that will utterly destroy me inside. I'm so stressed out. I can't believe that for once I was about to be beyond happy and I fucked things up like I always do. I hate myself and if I wasn't so against suicide I'd probably fucking slit my throat and get it over with. Its not just because of her I feel this way. Its everything all together. If you add that on top of all this shit its just like the cherry on top. I just wish I would have never touched a single drug in my life. I'm dumber than I used to be by a long shot and I'm just not the same person. Sure its loosened me up a lot more and made me into an all around better guy, but I would've prefered to stay whole inside. I am nothing and will never amount to anything. Fuck it all. If She won't believe me then thats up to her and that proves to me that she doesn't trust my word, but you know what thats ok. I would give anything, and I mean absolutely ANYTHING, to be back with her, but if it comes down to it and I can't make things right like usual then I'll just go back on the path I was on before (without the drugs though). I'll just slip away into this splendid downward spiral and become cold and hardened beyond anyones reach. I'll disregard everyone and just do what I've always had to do and be alone with myself and the demons that haunt me. *sigh*