i just remembered-

and for real this time,

not in that odd nostalgic, unrequited love kind of way-

how he made me feel.

and it was like this:

(funnylovedexcitedintelligentrealalivesingingrunninglaughinghopeful

foreverdifferentyoungoldworthwhilefantastichappysad

scaredbutinagoodwaykindoflikelearninghowtofloatattheneighborhoodpool

andimissedhimsomuchbuthealwayscamebackthesamebutdifferent

andsososohimandiwassososomeandwejustworkedlikethatandilikeditanditmademehappy)

and, you know what?

that's not how i think of him now,

but i think i'm okay remembering him that way

because it always makes me smile

real,

REAL

big.