MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS KIDS!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARGS!!!!!!!

I got to see Evans Blue (YAY!), Smile Empty Soul, and 32 Leaves in concert tonight with Dustin and Ashley. Fxcking awesome. And I met and got a picture with the guitarist and singer of Evans Blue with Ashley.

Oh, well imagine as i'm pacing the kitchen with a phone in hand and I can't help but to hear, no I can't help but to hear an exchanging of words, "your grandmother has cancer." "Oh." Says the daughter to the mother. "And yes but what a shame, what a shame she starts chemo next week." I chime in with a, "haven't you people ever heard of a better way of putting it?" "No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality." There is no good way to say it. Cancer is the definition of all things evil. There's no better way to put it. Well, there might be. But nothing good ever comes from cancer. I don't know how to take it. I know she's a really strong woman (where do you think my mo got it from? I, on the other hand didn't inherit that), but does that always matter in the long run? I can't help but to be pesimistic with this situation when all I want to have is a positive outlook. I just won't say anything at all.

Just showing you i'm still alive.

Yay! Happy Anniversary Billie Joe and Adrienne Armstrong !!! YAY!!! Haha I remember when I did this last year in here, also. I was in Pennsylvania at my brother's apartment. 4:25AM

I didn't mean for you guys to stop commenting on this. I just moved to xanga, but I still check this almost every day. So you can leave me comments on this if you want. =]

I'm tired of sitDiary's antics. You can catch me over at http://www.xanga.com/missxbrown I might come back here when I feel I can trust this. 3:32PM

FINALLY SITDIARY IS WORKING! Hallelujah. I had to make a xanga because this biatch wasn't working for like two weeks. Or maybe just one. But it felt like a year. Note: this was also posted on my xanga. http://www.xanga.com/missxbrown So I stayed at the LaMunyon's last night. LaMunyon. I bet you've never ever heard that last name before. It's French, clearly. Butyeah. It was reallysuperduperfun. We broke out the photographs of when we were younger. Like eight years old. I remember the first time I met them. Dad took me and Dustin to their house in February of whatever year I turned eight. 1997 I think. Laurie and Katie were there. Jessie and Ryan were at their dad's in New Jersey. Bridgette wouldn't have been born for another two years. Katie was laying on their late dog, Woody's bed. She was playing something like a Gameboy. Except it was Sega handheld thingy. It was pretty sweet. We were both really shy so we didn't really talk much. I don't really remember meeting Jessie. And it's funny. You'd think i'd hit it off better with Katie than Jessie since Jessie is two years older than us. Well, like two and a half years older than me. But no. We all got along, but Jessie and I always had more of a bond. We just clicked, you know? And it was cool. We looked at pictures of us rollerblading in their dining room thingy (it had wood floors). Me and Jessie were holding hands and Katie was in the background looking sad. We laughed about it because it really is funny once we look at it now. I can't believe i've known them that long. That's like almost half my life. My little Jessie-Wessie is leaving this summer. For like the whole summer. She's going down to stay in a cottage with her boyfriend on the coast. How nice does that sound? And she doesn't have to worry about a summer job. Pshpshpsh I say. I'm gonna miss her =( I mean I never really get to see them anyways but now I know I definitely can't. And I was really looking forward to going camping like we do EVERY summer. It's gonna be weird. But she's growing up (she'll be twenty this October). So effing weird. I remember when she was like nine. I mean what the hell is that shxt. from nine to twenty??? To me she's still my Jumpin' J. And Katie is still my Kickin' K (she's turning eighteen in August). And i'm still Krazy K. And Jessie is still Ginger Spice. And Katie is still Posh Spice. And i'm still Baby Spice. And we still own ChiChi's restaurant. And we're still cats. And we still slide down her mattress with our slippery neon pink shorts and bathing suits. And we still go camping every summer at Katahdin Shadows. And my dad is still with their mom. And he still says the dumbest/funniest things. "Lazy bxtches get no pie," while doing his signature hand rubbing thingy and "per pay view" (trying to say Pay Per View) and "Fourth of Julay" and "Sabastian" when he meant "Behtohven"(sp). And i'm still the biggest brat in the world. And when you'd ask me if I was okay i'd nod my head and then hide my face with my hair and look down and cry (it's funny, not sad). And when I get slapped, i'd turn my head the opposite way it's supposed to go. And we'd still have huge MarioKart competitions. And we'd slide down the narrow hill out back of their house. And we'd run through the perfect forest (all the trees were aligned like aisles) across the swamp out back of their house. And we're still playing beanie babies and barbies. And i'm still the boy (for some reason I always wanted to be the male? Weird, I know but someone had to). And we're still the three amigos. Not amigas, but amigos. And we're still quote - stepsisters - unquote. And we're all still young and careless and free and most of all - happy twentyfourseven. 12:15AM

She lied to me. I don't know if it was because her plans suddenly changed or what. But I didn't appreciate it. She told me she was going to her friend's bar for a drink. While i'm sitting in Dysart's with Kris, Car, and Margs, Dustin calls me and tells me that she's out to dinner with him. And i'm just thinking "jflk;djsakl;fjdfdsa". And I know at this point it can't be just for sex. She's seeing a therapist because of this. She gets fucked over in every single relationship because she doesn't know how to pick the right guy. She feels like she needs to help them. She doesn't. She needs to leave them alone to help themselves. She needs to pick someone who won't treat her like shit. He's such a dickface to her. She knows it. He's called her every name in the book. Flips out on her if she does anything to upset him. They were in an argument and he said something about me being suicidal. SOMEONE had supposedly told him about this because he doesn't know shit about me. I'm pretty sure I know who it was. Well she comes home upset and goes straight to her bedroom. I went in to talk to her and she started crying and was just looking at me. I asked her what was wrong and she told me what he said. That made me really angry. EVEN IF I WAS he had no right to say that to her just to use in spite during their argument and get her all upset like that. AND I HATE when people say they KNOW what it's like. The worst part of their relationship was last spring and summer. THAT was when she would come home at least twice a week crying because of him. Yelling at me because she was angry with him. NO ONE ELSE WAS THERE. They have no idea what it was like. They didn't see her like that. They didn't have to help her like I did. They didn't have to put up with shit because of her being upset with him. I was the only one who saw her like that. You know though. She thinks i'm being selfish when I say I don't want her with him. She thinks i'm just saying that because I want her all to myself. Though I didn't like how she was gone every single night at his house from the time she got out of work until 9PM, it hurt even more to see her like that. No one else had to witness that. You know what it's like to see your mother like that? See her breakdown like that? Hear her talk about how she would rather not live? Tell me constantly that the ONLY reason she's still here is because of me and Dustin? No. You don't know. And neither does she. She isn't the only one getting hurt because of him. 12:59AM.

this static connection has left me feeling completely disconnected until tomorrow the writing on the wall waiting for your call I stare and search your eyes aren't there it's not you I see it's not you it's not you I keep telling myself it's not you let me see your face [without this wall] let me hear your voice [without the static] let me feel your place [in this empty space] I can tell by the strain in your voice when you say goodbye you miss me terribly well i'm calling this a tragedy until tomorrow I keep telling myself it's not you and I can tell by the tears on my cheek when I say goodnight I miss you terribly a picturesque tragedy say right now let me see your face [without this wall] let me hear your voice [without the static] let me feel your place [in this empty space] i'll be here waiting until tomorrow until tomorrow i'll be here waiting until tomorrow 4:19AM

I feel horrible. Not right now. But when I do feel horrible, I feel horrible. Right now i'm just kinda like "I should get to bed". And you think i'm psycho because i'm going on about nothing. But no. I feel bad for not updating on Quizilla. First off, you're all like 'what is that?'. Well, it's a website. Where you can post things such as quizzes, poems, journal entries, and what I do - stories. Next, you're like 'what do you mean?'. Well, I mean I haven't updated my stories until probably the end of April. Maybe even before that. And I feel horrible. Because even though I have very few readers, I know what it's like to get pissed off when you're favorite reader doesn't update their story often enough. Although, i'm probably not anyone's favorite reader. I'm just saying. Then, you're like 'what do you post on this so called Quizilla website?'. Well, I post fanfiction stories. You think i'm weird now. That's okay, even my mom says i'm not normal. So now you're like 'well you're weird'. Yes, I am. I can't help it. I love writing. And fanfiction is just something I can write about. It's fun to write about someone you look up to or idolize. That you're a 'fan' of. That's where the 'fan' in fanfiction came from. And i'm not going to say i'm great, but i'm a pretty good writer. Don't get me wrong, I can write other things besides fanfiction, I just think it's more fun to write about people you already know exist. But yeah I just feel horrible. Every day I keep saying to myself "i'll totally get another part up from that story when I get home". And you know what? I don't do it. I just end up going on myspace and here and other such websites. And then I get conveniently tired and nap for the rest of the day. I don't wake up until eight something at night. Then, my mom is usually on the computer until ten. And after that I just don't feel like it. But that's me, I guess. Always making up excuses. But, my excuse now is that i'm lazy. Isn't that what you want to hear? Isn't that the truth? Then it isn't much of an excuse, is it. 1:06AM.

Well I guess I was kidding about the last entry. No one wanted to do it... do you believe in love? written on the bullet say yes to pull the trigger While I was doing the dishes I was thinking. Because I think while i'm doing random things. Not that doing the dishes is random. I'm glad I don't have to deal with a relationship. There's so much drama involved with love i've realized. Maybe it's just the people I surround myself with that have these problems. Maybe not. But I know that I don't want that. Subject A: boy and girl fall in love. boy asks girl to marry him. girl says yes. girl moves away. girl realizes there's other boys out there. girl breaks boy's heart. Subject B: girl falls in love. or so she thinks. girl tries to help love. girl knows it's not working. girl stays in relationship. girl continues to get hurt. FINALLy girl realizes she needs to get out. girl still stays in relationship. I know not all relationships are like that. But I don't want to risk it. I don't want to risk 'falling in love' and getting hurt. I don't like getting hurt. They say it's better to have loved and lost than to never love at all. I think they're wrong. I'm doing just fine without it. I think. do you believe in love? written on the bullet and ____ pulled the trigger 12:27AM.

Step 1: Open up whatever MP3 program you use and add every song in your collection. Step 2: Put it on random. Step 3: Post the first line from the first 15 songs that play, no matter how embarassing the song. Step 4: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from. Step 5: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly. Step 6: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING! 1. Hey mister, where you headed? Are you in a hurry? 2. Hear the sound of the falling rain. 3. Dear mother, can you hear me whining? 4. I think I did it again; I made you believe we're more than just friends. 5. Outrageous, when I move my body. 6. If I should stay I would only be in your way. 7. Ho Maria Maria, she reminds of a west side story. 8. St. Jimmy's coming to town across the alleyway. 9. Show me the meaning of being lonely. 10. I looked away then I looked back at you. 11. Now that she's back in the atmosphere, drops of Jupiter in her hair. 12. Drink down that gin and kerosine. 13. You tell me you're in love with me. 14. Booty booty booty booty rockin' everywhere! 15. Teen drinking is very bad, yo I got a fake ID though. Sorry :] I know I did this back in like January or February but I felt like doing it again. It's fun. Well I can tell you there there is four Green Day lines in there, a couple Britney lines, and a few old ones. Also some new ones. THINK one hit wonders with a couple of them. AND REMEMBER. I will not update until ALL OF THESE are guessed. MWAHAHA. 5:26PM

and when the rain drops fall that'll be the tears i'm crying and when the lightning strikes well that'll be my poor heart dying and when the thunder rolls that's just me calling your name you're gonna miss me every time it rains Yes, that's a country song. I like it. Haha. I don't know why. Funny, 'cause I effing hate the rain. I really do. It makes me sad/mad. Dustin and I went to Borders and Wendy's yesterday. I was watching the sky while we drove home. I've been hearing things about chemtrails lately. They're the streaks in the sky that look like those things that the jet planes leave behind. Only, they're bad. Some people's respiratory systems act up because of them. I don't really know what they're from. Obviously, they have chemicals in them. Well I was watching the sky. It didn't seem it's normal self. When you watch the sky, it's always so calm and collected. Even in the middle of a storm. Just look at the clouds. They're not flipping out and going crazy. Just what they produce is. The clouds float on by as if on a conveyer belt. All headed for the same destination. But as I was watching, I realized they weren't riding that conveyer belt. They weren't really moving at all. There were black clouds. Clouds were going this way and that. They weren't all headed in the same direction. It confused me. At first I thought it was something going on. But none of that stuff ever happens in Maine. And it clicked. The sky was having a bad day. Don't laugh. Sure, it was really nice out yesterday. But it looked upset. It wasn't gray. It was blue with pink because of the setting sun. But not collected. Not 'normal'. Whatever that is. It looked beautiful. Conclusion: you're not the only one having a hard time. EVERYTHING has a hard time. And that's okay. There's always tomorrow. Maybe everything around you will be in disarray. Let it happen. You don't have to get caught up in it. 2:11PM

fall back on your preminitions and just learn to listen to those who have more wisdom than you Today was not good. I felt so out of it all day. I called my mom at lunch to go home and all hell broke loose. I'm FAILING Chemistry. I'm NOT going to pass for the year. LOSING that credit would look better than getting a HORRIBLE failing grade to add to my GPA. I'm obviously taking it next year, anyways. But noooo, she didn't understand. She started going off on me that I can't miss ONE CLASS out of like a million. That I was making our family look dysfunctional. And abnormal. And that I made her look stupid. And i'm such a baby I cried. Yeah, right there in front of Mrs. Yehle's office. That was embarassing. I probably made Liz feel awkward. I was using her phone. And I hate when people come up to you and are like "ARE YOU ALRIGHT?!" Obviously not, dubmasses. And you're not my friend so don't act like you care. I went to the nurse's office. I walked right in and she goes "you look like you need to go in there," and she pointed to the little room they have with a bed. No, really? I tried to make it unnoticeable that tears had wrecked my makeup. I missed some of Chemistry, but eventually they made me go to class. Whatever. NOTE: I don't like being used. and i'm still waiting for you to be the one i'm waiting for 11:09PM

I seem to put "I have to pee" as my current mood alot. I really do have to pee. Prom last night was lame. I hate how some people are really full of themselves and have the need to mention it twenty thousand times in one night. I don't like dresses myself. It doesn't matter how many people told me I looked good last night. The fact still remains that i'm a cow. And although I think cows are cute, they definitely aren't 'pretty' or 'beautiful'. They're just big. And that's all I saw when I looked at myself. We went out to eat after prom at the Ground Round. Kristina spent the night at my house. 2:44PM

You always said this never hurt you I always said you were a liar Jerrod and Kristina are passed out on my couch. I have to go wake them up so they can leave. And I need to do laundry. TOMORROW. Hahaha. People are funny. Alot of things made me angry tonight. Cutie has even more white hairs. she swears she's losing interest I swear that we are best friends 'til the end... 2:10AM

Oh you know i'm listening to Ace Of Base. Fxcking right I am. The appointment didn't wasn't at all like I thought it would be. We just talked. I'm not sure if I like it. I got all of my prom stuff now. Hip hip, horray! I'm gonna be all sexified. Cara's getting me excied about that surprise. I'ma stab someone. Just joshin'. Haha no i'm not. I like these random one sentence paragraphs. Yeah, that really does make sense so shut it. I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign 10:38PM

I think I feel/felt better today. Tomorrow I have an appointment. Maybe it will help. Hopefully. I don't want to feel this way anymore. After the appt. i'm going shopping with Mom. Some late minute prom shopping. Ha. Only one and a half more days this week. Phew. 9:15PM.