In april, i thought we'd get together. We've argued, and then not properly spoken for months, and we never really established eachother as friends. And yet, whenever we meet we have such a great time, because we're always laughing and joking, ripping eachother. I never thought we'd end up together, because neither of us were really interested. Yet..yesterday, really did happen, and i find you're now my boyfriend, Well, thats spontanious!

You say you're young. It's true a lie. You're an online groomer... I'm lucky i got away earlier. Although you didn't break anything; You scratched my heart. But more than that? You're words have effected me. Oh, could i lose all now? A little while ago, i wrote. ''I must have done something right, Through all of my greed and hate, For you, oh heavenly father, Brought him to me''. It's only know i see it's another act of Satan. God..If you're out there, i need your strength. Please...

I've been letting you all consume me, letting you suck the life out of me. Do you know why? Because, i thought i was helping you. And...I guess it took my mum to come and find me and tear the 11th book of the past 6 days out of my hands and shake me enough to wake me up. HELLO??? DID YOU REALISE YOU'RE MY DAUGHTER AND I CARE ABOUT, I LOVE YOU AND YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE THAN WHAT ALL THESE MEN ARE DOING? THEY'RE LEECHES SWEETHEART AND THEY'RE SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF YOU. GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK, STOP BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF. LET YOURSELF HEAL, LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF. There she sat, my mother, on the end of my bed, as i curled into a ball and cried. And, she stayed there, hugging, letting me cry it out. Then, telling me how i'm worth so much more than the way i let myself be treated. And, for the first time..maybe, just maybe.. I'm going to give myself a chance. I hate change, but it's time to embrace it. I'm moving 500 miles away from somewhere i've lived for 5 years. 100miles for a year, right? Well, stop being afraid, stop hiding away and avoiding it. Go get a box and start packing. It's gonna happen, even if you're not sure you're ready. Grow up, and get on with it. I left school this year. My summer feels kind of empty and i miss school. What kind of 16 year old am i? Well, screw this. Lets go out there and enjoy my summer, we don't get much sunshine in this country! I'm scared of going to college. What if people don't like me? Well, i live in a very backward part of the world. I'm too much of a 'city-girl' to fit in with where i live. So move back to a city, live the fast pace, enjoy the moment. If i like myself? Maybe they will too. If they don't? Tough luck - move on. Finally.. I'm getting my hair all cut off. I have very wild crazy deep brown, nearly black hair. It falls in loose curls, going nearly two thirds of the way down my back. I'm having it all cut off, so short it's almost shaved at the back. I'm generally really moderate with my hairstyle. Side bangs, a few layers, that'll do. This time? Full fringe, masses of choppy cut layers, short, 3 colours through the fringe. HELLO WORLD, I'M ALIVE.My body's not great. I'm a size 12, sometimes a 14. It's nothing to be greatly proud of, but i'm not fat. I have good curves, mostly in the right places. Okay, so losing a stone wouldn't kill me, but it wouldn't make me any happier, so is there much point? I like my body, most of the time - i'm comfortable with myself.I can't change my face, and i wouldn't want to. I'm 16, my complexion is always clear, i always look flawless so i never wear foundation, (unless going out somewhere special) and my skin tone is naturally quite tanned.I speak proper english, with a full english accent - i like it.I dress...differently. I throw my own fashion together. I used to study Vogue. It was my kind of Bible. And, i used to listen to Gok Wan. He once said 'Matching underwear isn't sexy'. Well, you know what Gok? I like matching underwear. Although, perhaps writing that on a public site, is a bit strange. But, the fact of the matter is? I have my own style, i don't need you guidance. Tuesday, i was Vintage. Wednesday, i was Classic. Thursday, i was 80's. Friday i was 50's. Saturday...who knows? I wake up each morning and decide who i want to be. I've decided to learn to love myself. Thank-you Mummy, for waking me up.

Well, hello there ache of my heart. It's been almost three weeks since you've visited me and terrorised every inch of my life. Perhaps you thought that i had missed you a little? Well, you were wrong. I am strong, and i did not crave this ache back again. I'm trying to heal, has anyone told you? Everytime i think i've found a friend, he'll twist words around my heart and manipulate me into somewhere where i just can't be anymore. Firstly, there was..Lets call him Boy1. We're together for four months, but you only wanted me because you were the 'New Boy'. You needed someone to help you find your feet, to establish who you are and the easiest way to find your feet... Date the smart girl with no self-confidence. It was so easy, wasn't it? You didn't have to do anything, you just had to sit back, and let me ache. Oh, and when the tides of life changed, you found someone else to make you smile. Break. -January. Secondly, there was..Lets call him Boy2. We were never together. I was with Boy1, aching, hurting, crying endlessly. I needed someone to look after me, and you in turn were so unhappy in your relationship. I wanted to look after you so badly, to feel i had some reason or purpose. But...you too, used me. You didn't want me, only wanted a brief smile. I gave in, i needed to fulfill someone's life. Break.-January. Thirdly, there was..Lets call him Boy3. We were never together either. You were crazy about my best friend, and i was aching over someone else. I was trying to heal, trying to forget. In between, we found eachother. We found...someone we thought understood ourselves, who knew what it was like to stand where we did, and to ache how we did. Oh, how it hurt. But, we met, and i remember the way you kissed me. I've never been kissed like that before. One night..it was perfect. As of the next morning? You hated me, i never knew why. Break.-February. Moreover, there was...Lets call him Boy4. Oh wow. We were together. 9Days, shocking. But..our friendship, affraid, love...lasted months. You were my best friend, my lover, my freedom, my ache, my everything. And i ignored my feelings endlessly, because i just wanted to forget. I didn't want to love you, and i think you know that now. But i did, and as soon as i could admit it...You milked it for all it was worth. You used me, and tore me to shreds, because you could, because no one else wanted you. Oh, but it was worth it, for a made you smile; if only once. Even if you killed apart of me, and took most of whats was left with you. B-R-E-A-K.-March/April/May. Finally, there was...Lets call him Boy5. Well, if you read this, you'll know i've written all of this out, just so you could see it, just so you could read it. Well..He could be Superman, he could be God, he could be Spongebob. He saves people, gives them hope and makes them laugh. Or at least, thats what he did for me. With his strange obsessions of cake, Starbucks and stilletto's. You have had the greatest effect on my heart. And, only because you took the time to understand how words effect me, they have the greatest hold and they give the greatest thrill. Oh, how i adore your words. I think sometimes you just speak and forget. But, perhaps you should know how they radiate through me. I know you didn't mean for this to happen. I know you didn't want this, and then after all; you didn't want me. I shouldn't be surprized. But i've known you for three years, i thought i would be able to understand, but underneath the brave smile and endless ensurance, i don't. You're in my heart, as is your story and i'm reluctant to let you go. Don't worry however, i'll stay away. I'm so..talented and making others happy, self-sacrifice. I just wish you wouldn't run, i wish you'd just stay and try. But it's so easy to run. Shatter.-July.

Well, it has been awhile, dear friend, since i was last here. I remember not the names i knew, the people i spoke to, or what made this little world so important. I find myself back here because..Life's changing so fast, and i want to keep up, but perhaps i need a little space to breathe. I know my parents may find this and read this, and i don't really mind if they do. That's there choice, and we all have a right to freedom. But, i have changed and grown up, and i still feel i deserve the freedom to write. Now, i must go. But i wanted a small post, just to welcome myself back.