I read over my last entry. saw my word "committed" that I'd used when you'd gone beyond that point when taking pills, to really kill yourself. Couldn't help but laugh. Maybe that's why they call it "committing" suicide. You have to be really committed to doing it. You can't half-ass something like suicide. It's a true or false statement, there is no "I sorta committed suicide." Just my own observation. Well, I'm going to tackle a tough point of me lying tonight. "Love" I've been in six relationships where I'd been "officially" going out with someone. First one was a red head I'd met on the bus, a new girl that I had bounced up to and said "hi, welcome to Rosemont" never met her before, just my weirdness shining through. She asked me out the next day, I was a little hesitant, but I was too nice a guy to say no. It lasted a bit, we broke up after a month or so I guess. Second, was Skylar Jones. I didn't even know she liked me, but o.k... Didn't really like her, but I was still too nice of a guy to say no. It didn't last long. Still no "love" to date. Third gal, just.. wow. I had met her previously at a 4-h club. Some stupid club for the goody goody kids. I wasn't one of them, but they thought I was. We had to do some kinda community service to be in it officially. I didn't do it, and didn't bother telling them I wasn't interested. But that's where I met her. A friend of mine introduced me. Her first words to me was "If you mess with me, I'll kick you with my combat boots." damn.. love at first sight. Next time we met was in Band class. Trumpet players, and she was a new girl from chorus. She was changing classes around or something, but the teacher put her beside me. The best thing of all, he copied my sheet music for her to use. So, it had my name scrawled at the top of hers, just like mine. Don't know why that stuck with me. I guess I just liked it that there was something there for her to see, and remember me with. I couldn't help but smile with her beside me. And, I never really smiled as a kid. I've always been an anti-social non-emotional lil brat. Of course though, I was too shy to ask her out. I was sad the day she was moved down a few seats, she wasn't beside me anymore. but she still had my name on her sheet to remember me by. Jeez I'm a douche-bag. One day a friend of hers came up and asked me if I would go out with her. I was ecstatic, thinking she was asking me out. To my horror though, the girl said "ok, I'll ask her if she'll go with you." so i (sorta?) asked her i guess?? We never went anywhere though. we never even talked I dont think... I don't even think you could have called it a relationship. I'm just amazingly stupid like that. I should have spent as much time as possible with her. I can't really remember when we were or weren't going out. I know somewhere in there we had classes together, with an evil tall teacher/chick, which we made fun of together. and some point, we broke up/went out again. and also, i remember an aquarium. I bought her a ring there, that was a dolphin. she gave it back the second time we broke up. Stuck to a piece of paper with tape. Now that hurt. I never really knew how to act around her. I remember in seventh grade, the year before I moved, she was in most of my classes, it was torture. I watched her almost constantly out of the corner of my eye. creepy, yeah? but I couldn't help it, I just loved to see her, smiling, laughing. just to see her. I loved it when she was put close to me when the teacher moved the seats around, and hated it when we were moved apart. It was like some tiny stupid drama i kept playing out every week/month. would i be next to her? We talked then more then when we went out I think. Then, the last day of school. She wanted a hug, but I just didn't give her one. Stupid, stupid stupid stupid. Later, one of her friends told me it made her cry. I made her cry. I wanted to die. I would give anything to hug her, or hold her now. I guess that's love. the other three didn't matter, I almost fucked one, had my first kiss with another, they came after her though, none could compare to what she had been, was, is to me. One thing I hate though. When we talk, sometimes I don't want to talk to her. I can't explain it, maybe it's the depression kicking in, stopping myself from saving me from myself. We still talk now. but i still cant explain why I don't want to sometimes. After I feel it, I hate myself. Why? Why wouldnt I want to talk to her?? she's married, lives hundreds of miles away. and i just have this dull ache, constantly right below my rib-cage. maybe just below the bottom of it, i dont know. that's it though, the lie I've hated myself for more than anything. The times I dont want to talk. When I blow her off, dont get online. It's like I feel too sad to, or something. I dont fucking know, but i want it to STOP. I want to hold her, protect her. give her everything she deserves, needs, wants. I want her to be the fucking happiest person alive. and of course, I want to be around her, so I can feel better too. a little selfish I guess. This diary was a stupid idea.