I know she's not coming. She's happy where she's at, she'll get to go to California, maybe Italy after. She's smiling in all of her new pictures. She's got love hubby and shit where she never had it before. She has finally found somewhere she can smile. Far more than I could ever do for her, all I've brought is tears. For now on I will not text her, or talk to her unless she starts the conversation. If we never talk again, than I'll know my answer for sure. I just wish I could see her smile. There's a heavy feeling in my chest, like everything is slowing down, giving up. giving in. I'm sitting here with my head in my hands, looking up occasionally to type. Trying to form my scattered thoughts into a coherent entry. I just can't seem to wrap my mind around what I'm doing in life. Thoughts keep jumping back and forth in my head, between that screaming voice in the rear, and the usual cold uncaring front I put up for show. I've had several anxiety attacks this past week, I'm falling apart worse than ever and my usual logic isn't enough to keep me together anymore. I'm not trying anymore though, I want to fall apart more. I want to hit a point where my fear of death is overruled by such fucking despair that I finally grow a pair and do more than stick a few more scars on my arm. Or where I try hard enough not to puke to keep down that bottle of pills. All fucking life is: is money, bills, abject misery, and loneliness. Fuck you all, no exclusions.