so i just read through 2 old sitdiaries from freshman and sophomore year. it's funny how much you change without even realizing it, i guess maturity really does only come with age. all those times that i thought i was so beyond my years, now i'm 16 and i can look back and see how typical i was. not to say that i think i'm 16 and filled with life-experience, but at least now i can recognize that and not pretend otherwise. but anyway. i haven't written in any of these in a longass time. i've actually done some growing, really. i don't listen to emo music, for starters. and that sounds like a very minor thing, but really.. it's lifechanging. if you stop listening to that depressing stuff, you stop trying to pull drama and experiences out of your ass in an effort to relate to sad songs. {for instance: i used to listen to konstantine and blow things with lawrence out of proportion trying to relate} i listen to alot of rap, now. it's nice. i've dropped friends and made new ones. lawrence doesn't like me, so you know... there's that. i've lost faith in the word 'forever'.. and i'm okay with that. i think that talking about 'forever' is like trying to predict the future. um. i got over the whole straight edge thing. i actually never was into that, but i got over my hostility towards smoking and drinking. i hang out a few of the town drugdealers now. i've got some agnostic beliefs now. i mean, for the most part i believe god's up there.. but the bible is just such a silly thing. christians are so ridiculous sometimes. and how can you put so much faith into something like that? it's like stumbling through the dark hoping that you'll find a light somewhere. heaven doesn't make sense to me (how can you be happy all the time? wouldn't you get bored? what if you love someone who isn't christian--'well it was your duty to show them christ'.. so are you being punished in heaven for not testifying?) it's changed me alot. i guess my morals aren't quite the same. me and tom are on good terms, sorta. i think he's an idiot and a little poon, but we're cool i guess. new boyfriend. thursday was our big 4 month anniv. he's great. things are so different with him, a good different. maybe i'll write more sometime. i really don't know. but whatever. it's 2am and i'm tired.