Wow. I kinda died there for a while, didn't I? I'm terribly sorry, I've been ignoring this journal & i've been using another one not on this site. It's not often that I get the urge to really write in here. Ironically, I'm sitting here sick as hell, with a high fever and NOW is when I want to come on here and write. I'm such a winner, aren't? So anyway, the holidays sucked. New Years eve sucked too, I brought in the new year drunk & dancing around to some slutty song. So if the whole "how you bring in the new year is how you spend the rest of the year" theory is true then I'm either fucked, or this is going to be a very fun year. I doubt its the latter though. I'm turning 19 in 4 weeks. I feel like I'm 30 though. I've been on this site since I was 14 I think, holy fuck. 5 years is a long time. I wish I still had my older entries back when I was ~missanthropy on here.At least I think that was my username? lol god I don't even remember. But I'm pretty sure I deleted them all. It's kind of weird when you look back. On second thought, I'm glad I deleted them. There are things I'd rather not look back on. Plus reading back on your ~14 year old writings~ is kind of embarrassing. So let me shutup about stupid shit for a second.. Lately I've had this nagging feeling like I'm going to die. Really soon. Young. Maybe not even to live to see my 20th year. It might sound crazy, but it's just a strong feeling that I can't shake away. I thought last night was THE night. I had one of my bipolar episodes and I took too many sleeping pills mixed with my anxiety medication, then I began to hallucinate and hear voices and music that wasn't playing. Then I laid down, and threw up...while laying on my back. I probably could have choked to death if I hadn't been conscious. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little bummed out. I'm not really suicidal these days, but when I go through one of my bipolar episodes all I want to do is die. I can't handle shit and my mind doesn't rationalize when I'm upset. I refuse to go on medication for that though. I want to keep writing in here regularly. Late new years resolution, perhaps? We'll see! I miss you guys! Though most of you aren't even around anymore :[