Listening to her tell me about how her dog got sick. And how she was crying "so hard that I gagged," and the only thing I could do was act like I was being supportive. She doesn't have a clue. There are worse things than a lost pet.

He's still with her And its never getting any better. And I'm amazed by him, and how he doesn't realize how incredibly WRONG she is for him. And even if they did break up, I wouldn't feel good enough to be with him. No one is good enough for him; not in the way that he's snobby or anything, just that no one on this earth is near the level of amazement that he is. And everyone takes him for granted. And no one can comprehend his level of beauty and intellect. And I want to kiss each of his beautiful girlish fingers and his nose and eyelids. I want to sit and count his eyelashes, and blow on them, make wishes on each one of them as they fall from their place. But he doesn't know. He only knows that I'm sitting next to him, acting like I'm concentrating on this movie. But I know better. I haven't been able to concentrate on anything other than the way he clears his throat.

at cole's house. painted easter eggs he played his guitar and I watched in a amazement. I would drink my soda at the same time, so that our lips would meet our cans at the same exact instant. And it sent me shivers because it felt like a distant sort of kiss. And I inhaled when he exhaled so it would almost be like I was taking air from his lungs. And then I made sure to exhale when he inhaled, so that he could take the air from my lungs as well. And I want so much for it to be real.

COLE IS ON THE PLANE BACK HOME. AND I'M EXCITED AS HELL!! OH GOODNESS. HE'S COMING COMING COMING HOME. :D I want to kiss that boy so bad. <33335634634635537356735

Today Cole* (**names have been changed**)) is coming home from Europe* (**location has been changed**)!!! I was talking to him and he said he really couldn't wait to get home, aside from the jet lag he'll get. We played tetris. And he beat me. And now I owe him a nickel hehe. So then I said "Okay, we could do two things at this point: we could remain distant and just hvae me take a PICTURE of the nickel...or we could take this as an opportunity to be REAL friends and hang out," And he didn't talk for a while, but then said "I like number two." So we're watching Garden State on Friday or Saturday, depending on how long it takes to unpack, and recoupe and rest and all that. I'm very excited. But I dont want his girlfriend to be there. I can't stand her. It's not that I'm trying to 'hook up' with him or anything, it's just that I dont want to be in the same NEIGHBORHOOD, let alone room as the girl that cheated on Cole. It makes me sick to think about her. She's dirt to me.

Its 11:54 and I want to be on your rooftop. Keep the wooden ladder out, I could climb up before dawn. I could tap, tap on your window, You could pull apart the drapes. Then I could smile at your innocence, And I could see your pretty face. I could wait for you to fall asleep, Then climb in through your ear. And replace the tears and broken hearts, with something beautiful to hear. I would plant in daisies and daffodils, give the butterflies a home. And I could sit and wait for you; So you'd never be alone. I could cover up your eyelids when the bad parts filled the screen. I could tell you that you're lovely, and you'd know just what I mean. I could play you happy music, when the world has let you down. Or I could stop rotation, So the earth won't make a sound. and I'd let you lay back down to sleep, Oh, what a pleasant sight. And all of this could be possible; If you'd leave the ladder up at night.

So everything's pretty much rediculous. Michelle told me about this place, and I dont know anyone who could possibly know who I am from this website; no one that I know usues it, besides Michelle. I'll still change the names for protection of the innocent though. GOD there's so much to talk about. I dont even know where to begin. To start out, I've never been kissed. Or had a boyfriend. Or anything. And I'm probably not as ugly as I feel. But if Oprah can get a husband, can't I get a boyfriend? I dont know. I've been thinking lately. And I've come to the conclusion that I'm kind of messed up. I get frustrated over the silliest things. And I've been paying a lot more attention to what happens when I get frustrated, when I get these seizure-like fit tantrum things. I'll start breathing really quick and sharp, my face and ears will become extremely red and hot. And I'll start crying and twitching a lot. And I can never, ever sit still when it's happening. My hands and arms and legs are all shaking; I can never get control of it. I remember actually falling down on the ground once. Oh god and its so incredibly frightening. I honestly dont know what to do. And my mother just thinks It's hormones when I'm saying rude things to her, but really, it's because I've just had one of these tantrums; these insane, terrifying, unexplainable fits. And I can't think straight at all when it happens. I just want someone to tell me what's wrong, put some sort of label on my problem so that I know what's wrong with me, so that I can at least understand it in the least bit. Because it's so scary to know that something is really really emotionally wrong with me, and not be able to do anything about it. And get in trouble for the things that are a result of it. I've been grounded several times, had privelages taken away, been yelled at and so many other things because of this one problem. I tried talking to my mom about it, but I couldn't explain it all to her without sounding rediculous. So I just told her I've been stressed. But that doesn't help at all. Not in the least bit. God and no one at school would even suspect it. I'm the LAST person people would suspect to have anger or any emotional problems for that matter. Except Jake* (***Names have been changed for privacy***). I told him about it today, and he said he completely understood what I was saying. He also said that often he became very sad. Terribly sad. He is normally one of the happiest boys I've ever known. He's giddy and funny and a nice person to be around. But he started explaining to me how he would often lock himself in the bathroom or in his room and cry for hours, with no reason. None that he could think of anyways. I'm highly doubting anyone will read this. Not that I want you to. I really just need to write this down somewhere, and my notebooks aren't the safest place right now. <3 {Emiley}