What is wrong with me. Am I just disguising myself as me, who should I be. What should I do with the thoughts That dwell within me. What can I do with this insanity. That resides. Should I laugh or should I cry. Or both at one time. Can I remember my faults, or default to another time. What is wrong with me. That I cant stand to be with me around me or beside myself with worry over myself. Why is it so hard to NOT kill myself. as opposed to follow human nature to not to. What in the hell is wrong with me.

Adrenaline pounds through my veins as my rage boils over. Am I getting better Am I getting worse Am I seeing more clearly Or is my mind clouded by the anger My vision swims red as my hate Explodes in my mind Stalking like a caged Animal I prowl my room To and Fro Back and Forth Red glittering my eyes like Blood soaked daggers Who have I to hate for this constant pain Is it my own doing or have I someone else to blame I leave dents and holes in everything I pass The ache in my hands blending and bleeding into everything roiling within my mind I am forsaken, and I am pained I hate so that my pain is washed away in a tide of adrenaline I fear because I see nothing left before me Stuck within the binding jail I have made inside my mind I pace eternal.

and then I read the notes you wrote me in middle school. "are you feelin' ok? you look like you don't feel good. =( " and that's when i wanted to die all over again. years and years later I've fucked everything up and now you hate me. all that built trust crumbled to dust. I want to die all over again. how could i be so pathetic. i read the letters you wrote me after i moved here. all the i love you's. i destroyed everything. i would kill myself if i knew it wouldn't hurt you more. damn myself to hell.

I hate the cold. Frost tipped tendrils sinking into my skin and deep in my bones Each flake that falls yet another unique individual coming to claw its way into my world drifting ever sweetly to my trust bared flesh Surrounds you in seemigly unadultered love, then lulls you to sleep turning you against yourself as your body slows and decays. I hate the cold its uncaring turned shoulder the indifference, the inhumanity the unknowing, unloving. pushing down my shoulders slowly pressing its icicle into my heart I am alone, cold, and barren unaware of my own demise left to seek warmth in myself and in my ever failing spirit Curled in on myself with no love to wrap around. to warm and be warmed by their life, sustained by their presence. I hate the cold.

So I feel empty and devoid. I haven't known who I am for years. I'm not sure if I can recall exactly what triggered it, how it happened or why. But for the longest time I've been everyone else around me. I watch a movie, my mind sympathizes and I feel and act like the characters. I'm around a person, I mold myself to how they act, and what they want. That, I believe is why I always avoid human contact. I don't know who I am. Maybe if i just stay away I'll finally remember. Everybody thinks I'm the perfect guy for them, the cool dude. I can't help but spurr them on. Someone texts me, don't even want to talk to them. Yet, I still respond. I still try to make them feel special and as if they're all there is for me. It's all a lie though, I can scream in my head for them to stop their stupid babbling. Their annoying voice screaching in my ear as I cringe. And I smile away the pain. Give them a hug to make them smile back. Act as if nothing's wrong. My mind is constantly shifting, muttering within itself, spouting out a billion different personalities. I'm already insane, so now it's just driving me around. Who am I anyways.

Whisper softly in my dreams the maiden, fair, i've never seen Tell me all your secret fears of all those things you never dared Let me know about your hopes those precious thoughts you love the most entice me with your sultry eyes deep dark pools of scorning ire make me wish i never was help erase the man i am a;sdlfkjas;ldkfas;flskd------------------------------------------------------------------------------ not finished. probably wont be. cant think right now, so fuck it. almost went to therapy today, or set up an appointment. whatever. decided instead to start boxing again. maybe all i need are a couple of good blows to the side of the head. if nothing else it'll give me someone to hurt besides me haha. last four lines sound like shit. i'll work on it maybe

I continue to cling to anything that falls along my path. My fingers just lose their grip and i continue my downward spiral. With all that broken rubble I dared to try to hold on to, falling upon my head.

i continue not to be able to sleep. anti-freeze has that sweet sickly kinda smell. i've always wondered what it tastes like. "whaat's yer poison, yeargh" hahahahaha Thank you SIR! May I have another!

"who needs sleep well you're never gonna get it." and now I can't sleep. whoopdeefucking doo

Windshield wipers scrape the glass erasing all that's in their path. Erase my brain, erase my mind erase those things that make me cry. Back and forth and to-and-fro wiping clean my painful throes thundering engine, driving rain with streetlamps flashing past unseen just trying to make it home to you my lovely darling i once knew. years gone by left in the past. so now it's time to reacquaint burning rubber screaming brakes. just trying to make it home to you. my gorgeous girl i wish i knew.

I'm never even sad at my own family members' funerals, how can I go into such a depressed downward spiral just from thinking I'll never see you again.

nope. not dead. close though. weeewooweeewooo god i hate that noise. tick tock tick tock goes the time bomb.

shit i'm sorry chelsea. i hope you never realize i started back writing in this sd i love you, and i'm sorry for that <- but i do, so i'll say it anyways. fuck, i'm sorry.

think i've realized i need a suicide watch. everything is looking dangerous now. i dont even believe in him and i'm still begging god or anybody to take the weight off my shoulders. fuck.

and the debt grows ever larger, the coping ever less. scales tip in my favor as i spiral ever down. faster and farther than ever before black clouds of thought simmering by on cool downward thermals. quicker down the rabbit hole caroling dreams of black and blue and red of you. hitting dirt six feet under, blood red skies and overcast brown clouds. reach up and knock on wooden doors, forever closed on me, never any answer. spontaneous decomposition: arterial routes burning dry, more clogged by traffic pushing by. honking horns nearby breaking concentration of my happy forever never after. die in pain and rest in pieces. never any peace for wary travelers. but plenty for the foolish.

around my inner eye i see the Painful Tidings that i bring. Confessions of a twisted being of burned out heart of fitful mind only Cyanide and Suicide are what my broken body needs to Take In The Pain for all to see.

I'm not sure if she could put up with me. How long could she last to how pitifully clingy I am.. I know she's probably busy, not in the mood. I still worry every time she doesn't respond quickly. Where the hell did I go wrong. What part of my life twisted me into the fucked up shell of a person I've become. Surely I was normal at some point. I can't remember when that was, how long ago. Even if she comes how could she possibly deal with me.. She'll leave, there's no way anybody could deal with me. She'll be left with nobody to protect her, not even her husband anymore. What the hell is wrong with me, I'm dragging her down with me. I can't stop thinking about how happy I'd be with her, I never think about how miserable she'll be. What happens when that dream from years past fails you and there's nothing to catch you.. I can't do that to her.. I need to go away. I need to disappear.

another battle lost. another battle won. more lives given to the flame. more hatred grown from fear. the battles start again. another brought down. another takes their place. forever falling till the end. those left at home, weep for the fallen. in years to come, shall forget the faces. the battles rage on, and consume our past. there is nothing to save us. we only throw ourselves back into the fight to make one last story.

I miss her. How could I; the unfeeling, uncaring, rotten pestilence of the world miss somebody. It's as exhilarating as it is painful. But I do. Where are you my love. --------------------------------- Bleach Quote. Very nice one. "If I were the rain that binds together the earth and the sky, whom in all eternity will never mingle, would I be able to bind two hearts together"

Anybody know of any good anti depressants? Some that either work good, or make you more suicidal. Either way.