Fuck it. Jenny's not better than me, she can fuck off. I don't like her so why should she like me? We're even. I don't have to worry about it. She's not better than me. Jak and I are "madly in love" (his words to a friend, yay) and we're living together in a week and a bit. That foreign bitch can't take that away from me. He chose me. We're together. And it's nothing to do with her now.

I should have known something like this was going to happen. I am so upset about it and it's twice as frustrating because I don't think that bitch Jenny or fucking Tamara-miss-perfect would even understand why. Jenny was against me from the start, before she'd ever met miss perfect but even I didn't realise that this would happen. It's so horrible the way that she can still get to me when she's thousands of miles away and Jak doesn't even speak to her anymore. I don't see why it's fair that I have to live with knowing that everyone else prefers her to me and that people like Jenny will prefer her so much that they'll travel thousands of miles to fucking Serbia to see her when my friends won't even travel five miles. It's just not fair. She can fuck right off. I don't understand why she has the right to swan over here and make my life difficult uninvited whenever she feels like it, squirrel into spending time with people I know and turning them against me. I know people compare us. I fucking hate her.

I got back from my week and a day at Jak's yesterday. It was really good to be there in some ways and not good at all in some others. The first few nights were really lovely because I think we both missed each other a lot. We really spent time talking and being together properly at night. When we had sex it was the closest thing to "making love", that stupid cheesey over-said expression that people use to soothe their own consciences, that I've ever had. I felt like we really appreciated each other. We have had lots of conversations about sex, and how we feel about certain things and experimenting with each other and I feel a lot more comfortable. Sometimes I felt hurt when he asked me to do try some things because I worried that he was trying to get me to emulate something some other ex-girlfriend did, like I was still filling the gap of someone else and I had someone else's actions to live up to. I hated that and it made me shut down and act defensive and not want to have sex at all, which is not like me, and he knows it. So we both ended up feeling bad about it. Now I think we understand each other about certain things. I try not to feel self-conscious about my body and focus on my faults and I've been getting there recently. I never worry if my thighs are too wobbly or my boobs too small when we're in bed together, which I'm thankful for, but I still feel negative about my body and if I'm honest I have no idea where to start about improving things by getting fit. I always say that I will make the effort and try; start this or that activity, but the reality of the situation is that I'm terrified and self-conscious because I don't like exercise, I don't want anyone to know in case it doesn't happen and I don't want anyone to see me because I feel nervous and stupid. It's like being back in PE again with a load of popular girls watch me do my year 7 gymnastics routine and not being able to do a cartwheel. Maybe I will find something that fits at some point. I wish I had the money for a posh gym membership and a personal trainer to get me going. We argued a bit because he argues with his mum and it makes me feel awkward. Karen is difficult to live with at the best of times but then so is he when he's around her. He doesn't always respond in the best way; when they've previously been at each others' throats any word from her can prompt a seemingly-unwarranted response from him and it even started to get to me after a while. Then again, she is a complete bitch and I don't like her most of the time. Some of the time she is nice in the same way any nice person is, but most of the time I have to agree with his opinion that she does nice things for the wrong reasons, like to appear as if Jak is the one who starts every argument and to get me on her side, or to get under people's skin in some other way. She's a strange mix of calculating schemer, unthinking, uncaring idiot and nice-to-bitch in zero seconds. We fell out at one point one night, because he acted really badly during the day and it made me feel bad. I told him he was acting like a child. I felt guilty about it afterwards, but I am determined to be honest with him when there is something I don't like between us because of four years of denial with David. He ended up getting really upset and tearful, in the dark, while we were in bed. He said he doesn't feel like any of his family care about him, and that his friends are slipping away from him. I felt at a loss because I know his family and friends care deep down, especially his mum, but they seem incapable of showing it, especially his mum. She says some horrible things whilst I'm there so I dread to think what she says when I'm not there to witness it and judge her. During the last argument of the week she yelled out, effing and blinding and calling Jak a cunt and a bastard, that the next time he has a seizure she's not going to call an ambulance and she's going to leave him to die. For me, it's just inconceivable how anyone can say that to their son when the worst he's ever done is have a serious medical condition and not been perfect. He has been very sweet since I came back. He also asked me today why I always dismiss him when he jokingly mentions us having children or getting married, jokingly says such and such. I said I needed to because if I start seeing us as a couple who's future is in marriage and children and building a life together I will be twice as devastated if and when we break up. Translation: I'm scared. I'm scared of fooling myself and making things worse and I'm scared that I'm nearly twenty and I'm starting to realise that this is actually my life and I might be wasting it. I love him so much I don't want to tempt fate by imagining us staying together and being together for longer than the next ten or twelve months. Sleep well my love. You'll be in my thoughts and my heart always. Jak xXx The train journey on the way back up was terrible but today was okay. I didn't get much done because I didn't wake up until two in the afternoon when Jak rang me. I should set an alarm tonight. I can't sleep. I know it's not because I'm not tired because I feel horrible but I can't seem to get my brain to switch off. I keep thinking about me and Jak and all my family and how much I love them. I wonder whether I let them know enough and I always feel bad because I never seem to talk properly to my granny, things are always just a little awkward and we're not used to being alone together. I suppose that's what comes from having a sibling, because probably he was always there when we were together as an extra buffer. I wonder about all the things she's been through and experienced in her life and I know I should ask her before she goes completely senile and it's too late, and before she dies. I fast forward five years sometimes and the best I can see is her being ill and alone in her house, her being in a home, or being dead. And then it'll all be too late and I worry that she won't know how much I care. It's all very well and good saying that I'll change everything and let her know how much I care but it's too hard. My parents have never said the words, "I love you", to me, never needed to, so it's kind of taboo. It's awkward to show emotion. We all know that we care but it never gets said. Maybe it doesn't need to be said. But the outcome is that I feel like conversation is limited to small pigeonholed topics and I can't just come out with a question that's been bugging me, like who is my mum's dad, and how old was she when he died, and from what? How did my granny cope and how long were she and Fred married afterwards? I've never been told these things and it seems impossible to ask. I wish the barrier of awkwardness was gone for a while so that I could find out more. If I sit and think about the life she's had it makes my head spin. I don't know whether anyone of my age or younger can fully appreciate the rapidity of change there's been since the beginning of the twentieth century. Has there ever been a comparable lifespan where the world changed so rapidly? In the thirties, the way people lived was so immensely different in so many ways, and what can only ever be a fabrication in my imagination was real to them like now is real to me. I think I'm crazy sometimes because as I sit in my house or I look out of the window of the train I want to cry because I think how much we've changed the world and how obvious it is that it's too late to go back. Who would actually want to? I know lots of things are better now, but I look at the greyness we've imposed upon the landscape, those rough northern townscapes with bleak rows of terraced houses and skylines on the TV with skyscrapers and towers mingled with the idea of the purity of the planet before we came along and I feel so disheartened. If we transported someone from the thirteenth century to the modern world they'd be completely baffled. It's a different world now, and what has civilisation really brought us? Is there enough goodness to rule out all the bleakness, the destruction and the heartache? Sometimes I try and convince myself that it's a good thing I know my limitations and my flaws. But it's hard because I want to know everything, I want to be the best, I want to be someone who can defend themselves with one speedy argument that proves my worth and what I'm doing here. What I am at the moment doesn't seem to be enough. It's not enough for my conscience to know that I'm slightly more intelligent than average, that I love and am loved, and that I enjoy my life. I want to feel more special than that. In the world there's so much competition, and I hate it, but at the same time I just want to have one thing, one important thing that I can hold close to my chest as a trump card so that I can get on with everything without punishing myself.

I was going to update every day for the past few days and then got scuppered by the website not working properly. I dunno what's gone on there. And all my font is different. Never mind. I'm going to London tomorrow. It's been decided. Jak asked me to come and stay with him because I miss him and he misses me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things have been good and bad in equal measures I reckon. My hand has been a right mess and I'm sick of it looking disgusting and hurting now. It'll teach me to be more careful when I'm making coffee I suppose but I feel like it's kind of ruined the past week and a bit. It was nice having Jak here but we didn't really get up to much. It was nice to have a week or so of sitting around relaxing and playing on the wii, but the plan was to do some really good stuff the next week which was kind of ruined by the fact I couldn't drive. Stupid hand. We ended up going to Liverpool to see the somewhat disappointing Klimt exhibition but I don't think that made the whole visit worthwhile for him. I don't know. I hate feeling like my life is trivial and boring in his eyes. Maybe I'm imagining it. We had a huge argument whilst he was here about communication while we're apart and it was never resolved. I don't think the next month or so will be brilliant. He annoyed me earlier on the phone because we managed to have a nice conversation about his day and then as soon as I started talking about stuff that had gone on with me he completely switched off and started being stupid, and then after that just wouldn't make conversation at all when I asked him if he was better and whether he was going to the doctor's as he said he was going to, or when I asked him if he could let me know when he was thinking of moving back to Manchester. I made it pretty clear that I wanted to know for our sake not just mine, because I thought he might be annoyed or upset if I moved in with Jim and Jason before he got there for any reason. But he won't make any decisions. He won't even make a decision to not make a decision to allow me to make a decision about my shit. And it was just really annoying. He spends nearly all day every day with his mates and they obviously never have a serious conversation for more than two minutes so suddenly he's completely unable of doing so when he's talking to me. It's really frustrating. Although to be honest I really can't complain about him not keeping in touch so I will mention that in his defence the past few days. I've had several nice texts, which are really nice because then I know he's thinking about me even when he's busy. I like getting texts and it is really rare. I just wish he was a bit more sensitive to the fact that I want to plan my life seeing as I'm not spending days and days messing around with my mates having an amazing time and I'm pretty much trying to pass over the next month as quickly and as easily as possible. And it would be a lot nicer if I had a direction to aim to; a date or at least a week where I knew I could be back at uni and moving in, and seeing Jak again. Because I do find it difficult to spend three weeks or a month apart unless I have a day to count down to. Otherwise the days just seem to stretch ahead into nothingness and I get bored of what I'm doing. I can appreciate sitting on my arse and working my way through stacks of novels if I know there's an end to it after a defined period of time. Gah. Anyway, tomorrow I'm going to a sculpture park and an exhibition of Japanese art in Wakefield with my mum and her friend, which should be nice. And maybe later in the week I'll go to Preston shopping with my mum. And I think on Friday we're going for an allnighter at hellbound, which will be fun. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I burnt my hand and it's hard to type or do anything. Also Jak is staying. So no entries. Another time.

I've been feeling really down and close to tears since yesterday morning when I woke up after a horrible dream (one horrible dream too many recently) and everything seemed to be going wrong. I don't know what's wrong with me. I used to think that it was just angst but I seem to be getting worse the older I get not better. The only thing that gets better is that I know how to cope with my emotions better. I got so down a few weeks ago I even considered talking to the doctor about it; but I decided I didn't need to because I was feeling so much happier. I wonder whether I've been undervaluing or overvaluing my feelings. It's so hard to tell. I don't want to make something out of nothing. I always think I am and it just makes me feel worse when I get into my stupid moods. I make myself feel worse by punishing myself. But I don't want to convince myself that I am somehow allowed to waste my life because it is beyond my contol to moderate my feelings when really I am just being a twat. But I can't tell. Anyway, in the past few minutes I have cheered up slightly by thinking of other things. I've seemed to reach a new level of acceptance with my body, and although this too goes up and down I'm glad I've got to this point. I watched a thing the other day called "Obsessed with Boob Jobs" and it made me convinced that I don't want to do that to my body. So I have to start to love or at least accept what little I have in that area. I shouldn't be disheartened because I can see that until you get below my waist I am pretty thin at the moment and what I have seems to be in proportion. And even though they're very small they are not too bad a shape really. And at least they won't go as saggy as big ones when I get older. When I get fixated on my boobs and how much I hate them it takes the whole issue out of all proportion; needless to say it takes the whole issue of how attractive I am out of proportion to how important it is in actual fact. So... yes... anyway, as I said the other day I want to tone up my legs and my bum and then I will feel very lithe and sexy I hope. End of topic. On Thursday I'm going to the gig in Manchester, Friday I will be coming home and going to Burnley at night, Saturday nothing, Sunday Jak is arriving and then... I dunno. Hoping to have some people over at some point while my mum and dad are away. I think that'll be fun. I just have to try to avoid getting down again. Every little thing sets me off and it sets me on edge to have it at the back of my mind all the time.

We had a good night out last night. I think I was way too drunk really but hey, the pictures are (mostly) okay and not too incriminating. I did fall on my bum at one point though and I was extremely surprised and not really sure how I got there. I'm also really curious about how I didn't get home until four in the morning because we didn't even hang about after closing. Perhaps Paul is starting to make more money now and so is staying open later: until people start to drift home. I've realised why I need a diary as a space to think. I've remembered why it helps me to write things down that are bothering me. No matter how personal or stupid I know they are it helps to air them out somewhere neat and tidy and contained like a blog site and put the words in my head down somewhere. It stops me from repeating the same thoughts endlessly: once I've expressed what I'm worrying about or fearing, I can find some kind of way to draw a line under it. So I have to keep this quiet and maybe I will tell Jak about it once we get to uni just so that I'm not always sneaking around. I want to start being more creative and spending time on what I'm interested in. I also need to start doing some exercise. I need to tone up my (admittedly pretty skinny) thighs and bum so that I can console myself with that when I despair about having no tits. Plus it would be nice to be fitter and not feel like such a waste of space every time I walk up to the fourth floor in the library with a dozen hardbacks. Luckily I should have plenty of time this summer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now this is old school. I used to have a SitD way back when... I was 13-16 then, and now I'm nearly 20. So I hope I have improved a lot in the meantime. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So... I'm back at home for summer and things are in a summer slouchy slump time-wise. I really want to get back into taking time out for myself and having some secrets again... Jak (the boyfriend) ratted his way into my Xanga last year, so that only lasted around a year. I deleted it yesterday so I wanted something new and on a site that was less juvenile. I'm really glad SitD is back on the up again. I got back from London on Wednesday and I'm going out with the girls tomorrow, for a much belated Attic night. I can't really be bothered with a proper entry at the moment. Maybe tomorrow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~