So I had my first semi-encounter with guitar boy that lives below me last week. I was in my dorm with the roomies late one night, just hanging around, probably around 11:30 or 12 at night. I was sitting at my desk, which is right next to the air vent and in front of the window- the 2 ways which filter up sound from downstairs. Guitar boy started playing-- a nightly occurrence which always makes me smile. He wasn't playing any song in particular. But it was especially good that night..he just seemed to hit all the right chords. I was feeling on the adventurous side that night. The roomies were hard at work and I had nothing to do but be secretly serenaded by anonymous guitar boy. So I stole equestrian roomie's post-it notes and jot down a short note in blue marker: "nice guitar playing...do you know any green day? =) ~a 219 girl" ..because green day is usually a safe bet- someone usually likes their old or new stuff, or both, and they're obvously very guitar-oriented.. but anyway. i took said post-it note and walked dwn the hallway to the stairwell. hopped down the stairs and peered my head out of the door at the bottom to make sure the hallway was clear. once i was certain of my anonymity, i tiptoed down guitar boy's hallway to 119. the door was partially open, but i couldn't see inside. i carefully stuck the note on guitar boy's door and tiptoed back upstairs. mission accomplished. not 10 or 15 minutes later, guitar boy strung an awesome version of "when i come around." i smiled as big as i had all week.

Sometimes you find out people change. And sometimes you find out that change is not for the better. And sometimes you realize maybe that person didn't change. Maybe you just never really knew them at all. Is that All I mean to you, too? Is that the only reason you're so friendly? Was I ever different? I'm just a notch in your bed post. . . Gosh, the wisdom of Fall Out Boy amazes me. I don't know what to think anymore.

ugh... that is all.

I am a roller coaster of moods today. I wake up at 7:30ish for class, too exhausted to feel anything but my fatigue. Go to class, freeze my ass off there and on the way back. I'm tired, grumpy and hungry. Get back to the room, eat breakfast and talk online @ the same time. Find out horrible news, car crash related. Someone is dead in a car of a kid I used to date, who's in critical condition himself along with another passenger.. Fabulous. So now I'm panicky/want to cry/mad at him for being so stupid/happy that he's still alive/worried for him and the court details which will presumable follow his recovery, and feel terrible for my friends who were close with the girl who died. Great. Stumble back into the room after notifying home of the accident. Shake/break down in the arms of the equestrian roomie. I realize I'm so lucky and that my roomies are fabulous. Go to class again in the afternoon. Overwhelmed with boredom. Come back to the dorm. Nothing to do for a while except a little Spanish homework. Dinner with the girls. I'm indifferent. 6:30 volunteer meeting. Short & sweet. A little excited about it starting up. Gilmore Girls at 8. Pissed cause I can't watch the end. RUCKUS Step Squad First Meeting at 9. FANTASTIC. Totally confusing and a lot of work and a wicked good workout, but SO much fun. All the girls are really nice. I'm def. in for the season. We get uniforms and do shows at basketball games and other places. Sweet deal. I've never done anything like it and I'm already like, in love with it. My energy level is at a level it hasn't seen in a LONG time. So is my happiness. Wing up back at the room around 11:15. Talk to someone for 5 minutes and get almost immediately become really angry/confused/hurt/let down/mostly disappointed. Secrets suck. How does somehting like that happen and you just "forget" to tell your "best friend" about it? Something there isn't right. Take a shower out of frustration. Get soap in my eyes. I'm livid at myself for being upset at all. Come back to check messages, and the person is gone and is all upset at me. WONDERFUL. Why do I suck? Any ideas? :- Now?

Scratch that last entry. Insert this one: New revelation: I don't want to feel like this anymore. SO you know what? I'm not going to let myself. Anymore. No more feeling sorry for myself or wishing things ended differently. Only optimistic thoughts now. Things today just sort of, clicked. Around 6:00 tonight, actually. I was sitting online talking to a friend and also to one of my roomies about everything, and I was just like.. why am I doing this to myself? I should be HAPPY. Why aren't I? What reasons do I have not to be? So I rationalized everything: -My relationship didn't work. It can't be fixed. I accept it. It's supposed to be this way, I think. Him being a total a*shole is not my fault or my problem and it shouldn't be anymore. He's changed, he's different, he's not who he was, and that's not my fault, either. I refuse to let him have that kind of power over me anymore. There IS something better out there, and I WILL find it. But I'm in no rush. I like just being happy with me. Even if it's only been for an hour and a half or so. -My major can be changed. I looked into it, and it's ridiculously easy to do. I'm not even behind on any required major courses, since there are none for first-year students. I know what it is, on some level now, that I truly want to do with my life, and it's actually what I've wanted to do since I was very very little. What better path to follow than a childhood dream? Why not? It'll be fantastic. I can't wait to figure it all out. -I miss home and my friends terribly. But home is a 40-minute car ride away when I need it, and my friends, my real ones, the ones who have mattered all along, aren't going anywhere, because I know we'll stay in touch- so far, so good. I saw my two girls Sunday and it was wonderful. More of the same will follow, I'm sure. And the new life at college? It's wonderful. My roomies are outstanding. The people are SO nice. I love my room and bathroom and the campus and the majority of my classes & professors. Maybe change isn't so bad after all- maybe all this time, when I've been terrified of it [change], I was worried over nothing. -I WILL teach myself to play that guitar. I may even ask the boy downstairs for a little assistance. Whew. I already feel so much better. An enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders, my conscience, from me already-- and it's just the beginning. >>K ------------------ Ending quote: "The end is coming, she don't even feel it. It's a strange sensation, I'm almost... happy."

I have a class in 32 minutes. I need to leave for it in 10-15. So here we go. I need to accept it and move on and let go and not look back. Just like he did. Why can't I do that? It's all I want. For it to stop hurting so much. I guess that's all I really have to say.

I had something fantastic to write about in here. I literally had a moment today where I was like, "Wow, what a great writing topic for sitd- that's so exciting! I can't wait to go type it out." And you know what? Now, I have NO idea what it is. That disappoints me to no end. I'm itching to write and it's on the tip of my tongue, and I've got nothing. Sigh. If you read this, comment with something encouraging. I could use it.

So I brought my acoustic Fender back up with me to school when I came back here from the weekend at home. I haven't touched it since July or August, mainly because it was my birthday gift from a certain person, and I'm terrified that it will just bring back all those horrible emotions. All I know how to play is a few notes & chords whose names I can't remember, and the opening of Adam's Song by Blink182.. But I've decided that having this beautiful brand new amazing acoustic guitar is something I should take advantage of. I already know how to read music, which is a plus. Why not do something with it? I'd love to learn how to play REALLY well. Like Keith Urban, who I'm listening to now. Or Jack Johnson. That'd be fantastic. But right now, I just want to know the basics and be able to do it. I think in some strange way, it'll be part of the healing process, f getting some closure.. moving on, teaching myself, letting my fears and worries just drop around me, dissolving into nothingness like they should have long ago. Maybe I'll even find someone here on campus to help me learn. I could use some help to stop fumbling around with frets and strings so much. That's so weird to think about. Finding a new teacher. A replacement. That hurts SO much. Ironically, I think it's exactly what I need to do.

College = amazing. I am so happy to be here. I really think it's just what I need right now. It couldn't have come at a better time. I miss everyone, sure, but I think it's made me realize who really matters to me. Like, the people I miss a lot that I didn't think I would. It makes me think a lot about who I want to keep in touch with. Who I want to see on school breaks. What I want to say to those people while I still can, before we're out in the real world and it may be too late. Wow. I feel like this whole entry is so.... poised, I guess. Like I feel like I'm supposed to be saying a lot of this. Except for that last paragraph- that was kind of real. Dammit, I need to stop sensoring myself. It's not like anyone here knows me anyways, so why do I still do it? Maybe I'm afraid of what I really have to say. Maybe I'm doing this for my own benefit. Writing, but only to a certain extent. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.. that's my goal I'd like to reach through this. The truth of me, to me, for me and no one else. We'll have to see how that one goes.

Okay. So I needed a new place to write and get things out and heard about this site ..so here I am. No one knows I have this that I know personally, so I'm looking for totally foreign feedback and any & all comments. That's about it for now, I think! >>K