Scratch that last entry. Insert this one: New revelation: I don't want to feel like this anymore. SO you know what? I'm not going to let myself. Anymore. No more feeling sorry for myself or wishing things ended differently. Only optimistic thoughts now. Things today just sort of, clicked. Around 6:00 tonight, actually. I was sitting online talking to a friend and also to one of my roomies about everything, and I was just like.. why am I doing this to myself? I should be HAPPY. Why aren't I? What reasons do I have not to be? So I rationalized everything: -My relationship didn't work. It can't be fixed. I accept it. It's supposed to be this way, I think. Him being a total a*shole is not my fault or my problem and it shouldn't be anymore. He's changed, he's different, he's not who he was, and that's not my fault, either. I refuse to let him have that kind of power over me anymore. There IS something better out there, and I WILL find it. But I'm in no rush. I like just being happy with me. Even if it's only been for an hour and a half or so. -My major can be changed. I looked into it, and it's ridiculously easy to do. I'm not even behind on any required major courses, since there are none for first-year students. I know what it is, on some level now, that I truly want to do with my life, and it's actually what I've wanted to do since I was very very little. What better path to follow than a childhood dream? Why not? It'll be fantastic. I can't wait to figure it all out. -I miss home and my friends terribly. But home is a 40-minute car ride away when I need it, and my friends, my real ones, the ones who have mattered all along, aren't going anywhere, because I know we'll stay in touch- so far, so good. I saw my two girls Sunday and it was wonderful. More of the same will follow, I'm sure. And the new life at college? It's wonderful. My roomies are outstanding. The people are SO nice. I love my room and bathroom and the campus and the majority of my classes & professors. Maybe change isn't so bad after all- maybe all this time, when I've been terrified of it [change], I was worried over nothing. -I WILL teach myself to play that guitar. I may even ask the boy downstairs for a little assistance. Whew. I already feel so much better. An enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders, my conscience, from me already-- and it's just the beginning. >>K ------------------ Ending quote: "The end is coming, she don't even feel it. It's a strange sensation, I'm almost... happy."