..I pilfered this off of someone's LiveJournal. It's funny, so I want to immortalize it in mine own. Any Tolkien fans? If you've read The Silmarillion, you'll get this. If you haven't, here's a basic run down. Buwaha. ~L PS: Kudos to Camwyn @ LiveJournal. THE ENTIRE SILMARILLION OF J. R. R. TOLKIEN IN ONE THOUSAND WORDS. AINULINDALE: ILUVATAR: Ahem. AINUR: Wow! Existence! ILUVATAR: *blows pitch pipe* LA! AINUR: LA LA LA! ILUVATAR: LA LA! AINUR: LA LA! MELKOR: This sucks. BUM BUM BA DUM! AINUR: Um. . . la? ILUVATAR: Ahem. LA! MELKOR: Boop bop-a-doo-bop! ILUVATAR: LA, dammit. MELKOR: Bwam bardle ningle boom. AINUR: . . . ILUVATAR: Right, you're out of the band. MELKOR: Fine, I was leaving anyway. AINUR: . . . ILUVATAR: What are you waiting for? AINUR: Oh. Right. Newly created world. Sorry. Great jam session, big guy! ILUVATAR: Yeesh. VALAQUENTA: MANWE: I'm in charge! VARDA: I'm Manwe's spouse. And the queen of the stars! NAMO: I do death and fate. They call me Mandos. VAIRE: I'm Namo's spouse. I weave things. IRMO: I have gardens. They call me Lorien. ESTE: I'm Irmo's spouse. I take care of the gardens. YAVANNA: I make things grow. NIENNA: I'm sad. ULMO: I live in the ocean. AULE: I'm Yavanna's spouse. I've got a great big hammer! I made dwarves. NESSA: I dance. OROME: I hunt! VANA: I'm Orome's spouse. I make living things happy. TULKAS: I'm strong. I'm Nessa's spouse. I got here last. MELKOR: I'm bad, momma, I'm ONE BAD MUTHA- TULKAS: Grar. MELKOR: Um. Yeah. Hiding now. QUENTA SILMARILLION: VALAR: Hey! Ilmaren! Party on the island, everyone! MELKOR: Bah. Too bright. *builds fortress, kicks over lamps* VALAR: AUGH! *flee to west* MELKOR: Hu hu hu. VALAR: Oooooh SHINY TREES! Yavanna made shiny trees! YAVANNA: Yep! Aren't they pretty? MELKOR: Want shiny. VALAR: Nope. MELKOR: Why not? VALAR: Because you're a jerk. ELVES: Oh hey, stars. Shiny! MELKOR: Oh hey, breeding stock. ELVES: AUGH! UNGOLIANT: Want shiny. MELKOR: Let's go get shiny. FEANOR: I've made more shiny! VALAR: Good, 'cos Melkor took ours. Can we have yours? FEANOR: No! MY SHINIES! MINE! VALAR: Aw, !&*()!@&)!(&. MELKOR: Got the shinies! UNGOLIANT: Not enough shiny. Want more shiny! MELKOR: You can't have 'em. UNGOLIANT: Grar. MELKOR: Eeek! *runs away* FEANOR AND SONS: We're gettin' our shinies back. And YOU CAN'T HAVE 'EM, Valar! MELKOR/MORGOTH: No you're not. *stabbity fiery burny death* BEREN: Ooo! Pretty elf lady! THINGOL: You can have her if you ... BRING ME A SHINY! BEREN: Worth a shot. LUTHIEN: La la la MORGOTH: Ooo baby... *zzz* BEREN: Got your shiny! MORGOTH: you BASTARD! I stole those fair and square! CARCHAROTH: Grar. BEREN: Ow! THINGOL: Got the shiny? BEREN: 's in my hand. THINGOL: And? BEREN: Hand's not here. THINGOL: Crap, I really wanted that shiny. CARCHAROTH: GRAR!!!! BEREN: *dies* LUTHIEN: *dies* La la la. MANDOS: ... oh all right. LUTHIEN: *returns to life* BEREN: *returns to life* LUTHIEN: Beren! Look! The shiny! FEANOR'S SONS: *mutter* LUTHIEN: *dies again* BEREN: *dies again* DIOR: Look! It's Mom's shiny! FEANOR'S SONS: WANT SHINY! DIOR: *dies* ELWING: Eek! *grabs shiny, runs* FEANOR'S SONS: !*&(!)&)*!. EARENDIL: Hey. Nice shiny. Yo! Valar! VALAR: Well FINALLY. *stomp stomp stomp* EARENDIL: Wow, planetary orbit! MORGOTH: Eek! VALAR: Got your shinies! MAGLOR AND MAEDHROS: You mean OUR shinies! VALAR: Oh *!&(!&). MAGLOR AND MAEDHROS: Ow! Burny shinies! MAEDHROS: Fine. This sucks. *jumps into chasm* MAGLOR: Um... not really looking forward to meeting Dad again... *chucks shiny into sea* Bye. *wanders off* VALAR: Well... um... okay. AKALLABETH: VALAR: Thanks for helping with Morgoth, Edain! Have an island! Elros is in charge! EDAIN: Cool! VALAR: Don't come looking for us. EDAIN: Okay. ELVES OF TOL ERESSEA: Have our stuff! NUMENOREANS: Neat! Oh hey, Middle-Earth! GIL-GALAD: Dudes. Good to see you. NUMENOREANS: Yeah, same here. What's going on? GIL-GALAD: War with Sauron mostly. MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Shiny tall wonderful wise sea-king dudes! Yay! NUMENOREANS: Here, have some stuff and wisdom. MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: <3 <3 <3 NUMENOREANS: Life is cool. Why do we have to die? ELVES: You're human? NUMENOREANS: Can the Valar fix that? VALAR: No. NUMENOREANS: That sucks. Go away. ELVES: Fine. ELENDILI: Hey! Over here! We still like you! MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Gosh, we're lonely. NUMENOREANS: Whatever, give us your wealth and your children. MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Um, okay. ELENDILI: This isn't gonna end well, is it? ELVES: No. TAR-PALANTIR: We're sorry? GIMILKHAD: *I'm* not. AR-PHARAZON: Thanks for the throne, dude. TAR-MIRIEL: Hey! AR-PHARAZON: Shaddap, woman. Sauron, j00 suxx0r! I 0wnz0r j00! SAURON: Okay. AR-PHARAZON: Make me immortal. SAURON: Human sacrifice is good. Also burn that pesky white tree. AR-PHARAZON: Um. . . ISILDUR: Hey! White tree! Got your fruit! SAURON: *makes chicken noises* AR-PHARAZON: Fine. Tree burn! Fire pretty! ELENDIL: Isildur, Anarion, get the boats. AR-PHARAZON: I've got a huge navy! Let's go conquer Valinor! VALAR: Oh no you don't. *CRASHBANGBOOM* AR-PHARAZON & CO.: Eeek! ELENDIL, ISILDUR, ANARION: Wheee! NUMENOREANS: Arrgh! NUMENOR: SPLOOSH. SAURON: Bwa ha ha! Um, where's my body? ILUVATAR: Did I mention the world is round now? NUMENOREANS IN EXILE: Well, crap. OF THE RINGS OF POWER AND THE THIRD AGE: ELVES: Wonder what's going on over the ocean. This crafting deal is pretty sweet, though! DWARVES: Yeah, seriously. ANNATAR: Hi, elves! Wanna learn some cool stuff? ELVES: Okay! SAURON: They fell for it. SEVEN DWARVES: Thanks for the rings! . . oooh, GOLD! MORE GOLD! MUST HAVE GOLD! NINE MEN: Neat rings. . . Hey, didn't Mom die like six hundred years ago? CELEBRIMBOR: Okay, how about we do three more and call it a wrap? SAURON: How about I do one more and claim them ALL? ELVES: AUGH! SAURON: Bwa ha ha! LAST ALLIANCE OF ELVES AND MEN: Push off. SAURON: Make me. ISILDUR: Whack. SAURON: Ow. ELROND: Hey, you got his ring. Let's ditch it. ISILDUR: No. ELROND: This sucks. ISILDUR: Tell me about it. *dies* GONDORIANS: *change calendar* CIRDAN: Hi, wizards! You in the grey, catch! SAURON: Okay, that's long enough. Movin' into Dol Guldur. SARUMAN: It's not him. Also the ring's lost at sea. RING: No I'm not. THE WISE: Augh. THE WEAK: Bad ring! Volcano for you! RING: *melts* SAURON: AUGH! MORDOR: BOOM. GONDORIANS: *change calendar* ELROND, GALADRIEL: Road trip! GANDALF: Hi Cirdan! Still got your ring! CIRDAN: Cool. Let's go to Valinor!