i thoguht of bryson He asked, "Are you sad?"And she was quiet, hesitant, unlike herself - until she shakily shook her head "yes". And he said nothing, but ran his hands up her back and turned her to face him, pressing his nose against hers looking softly, hardly breathing, understanding, not knowing, not even loving, just comprehension, comprehension of what she needed: The hands that brushed her spine and the hair out of her face the pressure of his body and the fact that just then, he was her friend. And she felt more than his skin and he, more than hers, and he held her like he held the world.

all three of you. i met james too early. i want to meet him 5 years from now. i love who kiefer used to be, not who he is. i'm still bitter, and will be for a while. brysonnnn. complicated complicated. so much attraction. but doubt is mixed in there. bottom line: i have no idea what i want.

obviously i'm NOT over him if finding out that they're having problems makes me happy. hmm. lame. i don't want to want him anymore. every song is about who i don't want to [think] about anymore. i wonder what he would do if i got in a car crash and was in critical condition. not care. but secretly die. [necktie] no. not really. ew. i heart bryson secretly, but secretly not, it's a comnplicated emotion. night, darlings.

so. i decided i'm seceretly deviant. go sociology. the whole kiefer/james/bryson sitch? not a good one. but there seceretly is no sitch. i make things up, i swear. but there relly is a bryson sitch cause he likes me. we need to have a "defining the relationship" day which i think will be friday, with the whole beach thing.... yeah. hope that gets straightened out. and DeAndra votes i give him the buckle as a peace offering but i think it might make things worse. we'll find out. i think i'm slowly but surely almost fully over him. almost being the key word. so yeah. later on.

She knows its stupid that she still thinks of you but really its something she cant help. she wants to get over you and on with her life, but something's telling her to wait it out and see what happens. its like 99 percent is ready to end it, but its that 1 percent that just wont let her move on quite yet I still turn my head when I hear your name; and my heart still breaks every time. [but love, I've come to understand, is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day.] To me it sounded like forever, ever. Leaving was not an option, never never. And if it wasn't so cold, I'd swear this was hell. I'm mad at myself, not you. I'm mad for always being nice. I'm mad for always apologizing for things I didn't do. I'm mad for getting attached. I'm mad for depending on you and wasting my time on you. I'm mad for thinking about you, and most of all for not hating you when I should've Hiding emotions doesn't make them go away. when im -older- && my little girl asks me who my first love was- i dont want to have to pull out the old photo album- i want to be able to point across the [room] & say he's sitting right over there<33 When this is said & done, I really hope you look back & wonder if maybe falling in love with me wasn't such a bad idea [I could conquer the -world- with one hand As long as you are holding the other] If you want to be with her then go ahead. I'm not stopping you. I'm not breaking my heart over this. I'm sick with the lies you told me. I'm tired of trying to make you love me. unlike him, i just can`t walk away. i can`t forget what we had. its not that easy for me to let go of something * that was once my life. i guess unlike him, it actually mattered to me you're like the sun burn on my shoulders that keeps me painfully a w a k e in the middle of the night

ew. they took a shower together? fucking grossssssssssssssss. who wants to see that?? no one. and he says he's making her "be good." fucking bulllllshit. what did i say? i said she hadn't changed. and she hasn't. fucking ew. i think i threw up little bit in my mouth. that's great. without me there to hold himn back, he can go do all the sexual shit he's always wanted to. i hope you have fun. and i guess all the shit you told me when we were together was a lie. but that's cool. what was i supposed to expect? the truth? from you? hardly.

so. today he wore the jacket that was my dads that i gave him the night we sat outside my house and talked/cried for 3 hours. what the fuck. i think i'm just being a girl thinking that it means something - and he's jsut being a guy thinking, "hey this jacket is warm so i'll wear it today." anyways, it shouldn't effect me this much. but it does. fuck. and he has no idea myt tatoo has to do with him. he says he wants to try and undertand - bullshit. did he ever once ask what it was about? no. he just went and bashed it straight off. i can't decipher him and it pisses me off.

they're together. great for them. its sad that she's totally infactuated and he doesn't really care. whats even more sad is that it makes me happy. i don't see how she doesn't realize that he only wants her when he can't have me. oh well. i've found someone who treats me the way i'd always imagined. sure, his kiss doesn't encite the same passion as yours, but we'll get there. with you, there always had to be something more. i don't want that with him. i want his kiss to be enough for as long as possible. <3

he walked me home yesterday (after having dinner with his family) and we talked as per usual. he pointed out that the route i chose was longer than the other one. and then he said he would have picked it too because it meant he got to spend more time with me. the he asked how the "healing process" was going. i said it still hasn't fully hit me but it's getting there little by little. and i told him about thomas always making comments about how he secretly likes me and blah blah blah. and then he says, "well, disregard this next statement, but if you ever get over him, i'd be happy to give it a try. i'd be honored actually." i almost died of happiness

i hope you miss being able to have me there as a back-up plan i hope your mom and dad talk about me all the time. i hope you see all the stuff i gave you and remember. i hope you cry over me. i hope you can never be truly happy with another girl because of me. i hope you can't get me out of your head. i hope you miss me. i hope you debate calling me 5 times a night. i hope you still have me on speed dial. i hope your grandparents still ask about me. i hope you remember all i did for you. i hope you are jealous of my new happiness. i hope you hate him for liking me. and hate me even more for liking him back. i hope you realize you lost somehting great. i hope you still love me.

My boyfriend's gone for the week, but I'm sure he's going to break up with me when he gets back. We have been going out for a year and a half, but we've broken up twice before, each time for about a month. The first time was me, the second was mutual started by me, and now it's going to be him. I talked to one of our good freinds about it and he said he thinks the same thing I do. Great. I wish he just would have had the balls to tell me before he left and not leave me here waiting for it. I refuse to break up with him. I know that if I break up with him I'll feel like I have the power to get us back together, and I don't think that's what either of us wants anymore. I love him; God I know I love him. But at this point, he's over it. And if it's meant to be, it will find a way. If we are truly meant for eachother, once we're out of college and both more mature and such, maybe we will be serendiptously reunited. Or maybe not. I'll rely on fate.