things are getting rough, (again?) I'm beginning to think too much and at the same time, losing my grip on reality. As absurd as that sounds. Every night I'm finding myself staring at a blank spot on the ceiling, not thinking about much.. But thinking about everything. I fall asleep on the same note every night, some psuedo fucking thought of "wow, I'm really alright. Things are okay." Every night. I fall asleep around that point. Obviously, I'm only fooling everyone else. Because I'm not buying it. There's times were I really am happy. With Ash, or with Him. I'm not giving up this time. I'm not going to just let go and want to start over again next time I'm feeling a little depressed. I won't give up. Anyways, lost about 9lbs since last week, woo. Today: Breakfast: Spoonful of peanut butter After school: red pear about 10-15 grapes. Dinner: 2 small peices of fish. salad. That's all I'll eat tonight, and writing it out seems like I ate a ton. Gross. I feel gross for acting this way. I'm a hypocrite.

Routine Routine Routine. It's Saturday and I still have a routine. I woke up about three minutes ago, and like everyday, thought I was blind for the first thirty seconds of being awake. I sleep facedown. It's sort of funny. Out of habit, I immediately look at the clock. 12:54. My sister already left for work. Damn. I guess that cancels out getting to spend time with her today. I casually scratch my hair, and light up a cigarette. Camel Turkish Golds. I wish I never started smoking. But I guess it's basically inevitable during this time period. Fuck the twenty first century and it's bullshit propaganda. My cell phone is vibrating. That low, obnoxious hum against the wall. I sleep on a big black matress on the floor. I used to have a futon. But I broke it. "Hello" My voice cracks from not being used for over eight hours. "Hey! Did you just wake up!?" Sarah basically is yelling, obviously being awake longer than I had. "Uh yeah. Did you even have to ask?" "Nope! Not really!! Are me you and Corey going to hang out?" "Let me wake up. I'll call you in a while." I hang up before she even has a chance to respond, and she tries calling again. I ignore the call finish the cigarette. My joints creak and complain as I try to get up. They hate me every single morning. Well, afternoon today. I then call Corey and confirm the plans. I walk out into the kitchen, and find no one home. I look for a note. Theres a florescent pink sticky note on the table. "Hannah- Went out to breakfast, don't know where dad is. I have errands to do. I'll be home around four." She ends the note with a ridiculously huge smiley face. As usual. After reading the note, I finish my usual wake up routine. I drink a cup of coffee, smoke another cigarette, and take a shower. I didn't wash my hair. I wore a seafoam green showercap because I hate the feeling of clean hair. I then stare into the mirror. I hate everything I see. I especially consintrate on my body. I am disgusting. I poke around for a few minutes, and Corey calls. "Come outside biiiitchhh" I hang up and put on a black hoodie and a pair of jeans. Must grab the essentials. Cigarettes, cellphone. It's cold outside, and the dry, winter in New York air bites at my face like a ravenous squirrel. I plop into the passenger side of his car. I am satisfied with the cd in. I love Gwar. Theres something about weirdos that think they are unholy overlords that sparks my interest. I love the instramentals, the words are really kind of dumb, but I love the growls and weirdness of it all. Overall it puts me in a good mood. [/edit later]

I wake up every day to the same thought. "Why?" It's a question that will never be answered for me in literal terms, I've noticed. I ask a lot of questions. And rarely do I get answers that aren't obscure in some way. I feel like an ugly person. Everyday I look in the mirror for hours, picking out everything wrong with my appearance. "Everything" is what I think. I'm told the opposite, but I find joy in starving myself of the compliments of everyone. I guess you could call me anorexic, in the way that I don't get the proper nutrition my brain needs. And by that, I don't mean that I don't eat. Because, I do. Not a normal amount for a teenage girl, but enough so my other starvation goes unnoticed by peers. I'm starved emotionally. And am frequently detatched to people who care about me. I actually have a pretty great life. And by great, I totally mean I have a house, a respectable amount of money, I live with my parents who are still together, I have all my limbs, and I get almost anything I ask for. Oh yeah and my parents are getting seperated. I am addicted to self loathing. That's all there is to it. I find tiny things that aren't at all important, and drill them into my head until it is impossible to like myself in any way. I guess I'm really fucked up. And I'm actually willing to admit it. I'm also addicted to cigarettes, and the feeling of being high. I act like I'm proud of these things, but in reality I am ashamed of them. I don't really tell many people that I am involved with marijuana, because I am embarassed. I don't want to be perceived as an un intellegent "stoner". Because that is the last thing I am. I am dumb for doing this, I will admit. But how else am I going to deal with myself? I don't like admitting I like cigarettes either. They're dumb. I wish I hadn't started. But it's too late for that. I might as well die with my pride in a way of honor. Cigarettes? Honorable? No fucking way! I haven't even gotten around to mention my family or friends in detail yet. I don't have a boyfriend. I wish I did more than anything. I dislike my dad for an infinite amount of reasons. I love my mom more than almost anything, but hate everything she stands for. I consider my older sister one of my dearest, closest friends. But of course, she's never around. I secretly hate my best friend. I have unrequited feelings for my guy best friend. My other best friend is turning into her older sister, who everyone, including me, despises. My OTHER best friend is never around and doesn't give a fuck about anything except her fiance. I have a lot of friends obviously. But for some reason, I just can't get happy.

All I feel is regret and jealousy.