I wake up every day to the same thought. "Why?" It's a question that will never be answered for me in literal terms, I've noticed. I ask a lot of questions. And rarely do I get answers that aren't obscure in some way. I feel like an ugly person. Everyday I look in the mirror for hours, picking out everything wrong with my appearance. "Everything" is what I think. I'm told the opposite, but I find joy in starving myself of the compliments of everyone. I guess you could call me anorexic, in the way that I don't get the proper nutrition my brain needs. And by that, I don't mean that I don't eat. Because, I do. Not a normal amount for a teenage girl, but enough so my other starvation goes unnoticed by peers. I'm starved emotionally. And am frequently detatched to people who care about me. I actually have a pretty great life. And by great, I totally mean I have a house, a respectable amount of money, I live with my parents who are still together, I have all my limbs, and I get almost anything I ask for. Oh yeah and my parents are getting seperated. I am addicted to self loathing. That's all there is to it. I find tiny things that aren't at all important, and drill them into my head until it is impossible to like myself in any way. I guess I'm really fucked up. And I'm actually willing to admit it. I'm also addicted to cigarettes, and the feeling of being high. I act like I'm proud of these things, but in reality I am ashamed of them. I don't really tell many people that I am involved with marijuana, because I am embarassed. I don't want to be perceived as an un intellegent "stoner". Because that is the last thing I am. I am dumb for doing this, I will admit. But how else am I going to deal with myself? I don't like admitting I like cigarettes either. They're dumb. I wish I hadn't started. But it's too late for that. I might as well die with my pride in a way of honor. Cigarettes? Honorable? No fucking way! I haven't even gotten around to mention my family or friends in detail yet. I don't have a boyfriend. I wish I did more than anything. I dislike my dad for an infinite amount of reasons. I love my mom more than almost anything, but hate everything she stands for. I consider my older sister one of my dearest, closest friends. But of course, she's never around. I secretly hate my best friend. I have unrequited feelings for my guy best friend. My other best friend is turning into her older sister, who everyone, including me, despises. My OTHER best friend is never around and doesn't give a fuck about anything except her fiance. I have a lot of friends obviously. But for some reason, I just can't get happy.