i'm in indiana now. it's been a while since i've written so i just thought i'd chatch you up (not that anyone read this anyway) but 'i'm here for three more days. i miss ryan soo much. we have been together for three months and one day now. i couldn't be happier. i love him so much. he's a really good boyfriend. :)

this is weird. i'm at troup right now. i came to get ryan and he didn't know it so i went in his room and told him. it was crazy. yep yep. i love him.

Angela: See, there's thinking about him, right? Which is what I do, all the time, like, like this... Ricky: Obsession. Rayanne: Right, so? Angela: So... It keeps me going or something, like, I need it just to get through the day. It's, it's just... Ricky: It's an obsession. Angela: Right. And if you make it real, it's not the same, it's not, it's not yours anymore. I don't know, maybe I'd rather have the fantasy, than even him. Ricky: I completely understand this. Rayanne: I totally and completely disagree. You want Jordan Catalano in actuality, because... There is no because, you just want him. Only you're programmed to never admit it. Ricky: That does have the ring of truth... When you're not sure you trust a person anymore... you start wishing they'd do something like really wrong, just so you could be right about them. -angela Things were getting to me. Just how people are. How they always expect you to be a certain way. Even your best friend. —Angela Sometimes it seems like we're all living in some kind of prison. And the crime is how much we hate ourselves. It's good to get really dressed up once in a while and admit the truth: that when you really look closely, people are so strange and so complicated that they're actually...beautiful. Possibly even me. —Angela Love is when you look into someone's eyes and suddenly you go all the way inside...to their soul...and you both know, instantly. —Angela Huge events take place on this earth every day: earthquakes, hurricanes, even glaciers move. So why couldn't he just...look at me? —Angela We both stopped talking. Part of his sleeve was touching my arm; I don't know if he knew. Then everything started to seem perfect for some reason. The feel of his shirt against my elbow, the fact that I still had an elbow... It was the perfect moment for him to kiss me, for him to anything me. —Angela It's such a lie that you should do what's in your heart. If we all did what was in our hearts the world would grind to a halt. —Angela There's the people who you've known forever who know you in this way that other people can't, because they've seen you change; they've let you change. —Angela You know you like her. Would it kill you to admit it? Maybe treat her halfway decent? Because, you know, she deserves it. And she's not gonna wait around for you forever. —Rayanne, to Jordan Catalano I'm just really, like, low. I'll just find any excuse to touch him. —Angela

Its sad because every day we spent together is slowly being replaced by everyday we spend apart. Leave me in peace. Let me sleep once at least without my pillow being wet with tears, my eyes burning and my head throbbing. Let me get away from it all. Preferably the world. You can always tell how much you love someone by how much they can hurt you. just because he doesn't love you the way you want him to, doesn't mean he doesn't love you with everything he has. Id like to stay a secret, like walking in the dark...if no one can hear me and no one can see me, then no one can break my heart. It's hard to say "I love you" and not draw back in tears. It's hard to know that your not there to help me face my fears. It's hard to know the phones at reach but I can not hear your voice. It's hard to know that this time breaking up was not my choice. It's hard to see you laughing when I'm crying deep inside. It's hard to just find feelings and now have to make them hide. It's hard to live wihtout you when I need you more than words, To want to scream how much I love you, but hold back and not be heard. It's hard to go to sleep at night when I can only dream of you. It's hard to think that you might fall in love with someone new. It's hard to not start crying when I hear your favorite song. It's hard to sit and wonder, where did I go wrong? It's hard to live without you, if I only would have known I will never love another, I would rather be alone.

well... since the last time i wrote..... kevin completely stopped talking to me, which doesn't bother me. a lot has happened since then but that'll prolly be in a private entry.

i spent the night with him the other night. the whole time that we were together, i wanted to just sleep in the same bed with him. i wanted to fall asleep with him holding me. i did the other night and now... i don't know what to feel. i'm getting to the point that i don't miss him so much anymore, like i don't feel anything for him anymore. it's sad to really think about it like that but that's how it is. i just don't think i wanna be with him like that anymore. i don't think i could ever go back out with him after thinking back on everything he's ever done to me, after he used me and used me and used me. i gave him everything, my all, and he did nothing but hurt me again and again. even after all that, even though it's getting hard to feel anything for him, he's still that one guy that i will never fully get over. and that sucks so terribly...

i'm quitting arbys soon. i'm tired of it. i have three interviews this week. two of them are today... one at claires and one at goodys. i have one on saturday at four. :) i'm glad to be getting out of arbys. i hate it so bad. my first job and i've been there two years... time to move on. no more fast food jobs for me.

i'm quitting arbys soon. i'm tired of it. i have three interviews this week. two of them are today... one at claires and one at goodys. i have one on saturday at four. :) i'm glad to be getting out of arbys. i hate it so bad. my first job and i've been there two years... time to move on. no more fast food jobs for me.

prom was alright... for about 10 minutes, then we got bored and left. we went to arbys for a while and waited on louie to get out, then we went to his house. i don't want to work tonght. i'm too sleepy. me and lloyd are doin good. i love him bunches.

not that it really matters cause last year wasnt what i expected at all. i dunno... maybe i'll have fun this time.

this is louie

so being 18 isnt really that different. nope nope. i thought it'd have been different but it's not. just another birthday... only now i can vote and buy cigarettes... which doesn't really matter cause, well, i don't smoke and i don't know that i'll vote either cause i'm lazy. anyway... on my birthday, lloyd, and his mum and his step-dad, took me out to eat at outback. it was fun. he gave me a necklace with a heart charm with diamonds around it. his mum gave me some earrings and she bought me a cake. we went to dairy queen last night after church. that was fun cause his aunt donna and his cousin louie went with us.

alright... so i am in mrs reeds room now. i haven't updated in a while so here goes: i go out with this guy named lloyd, (i know.. it's not a usual name), he's sweet i don't have time to download a picture of him right now though. we're about to go to fourth period... so i gotta go now. bye.

Your Japanese name should be'Amaya'which means "night rain". You're adark person, a bit of a loner, and probablyeven depressed. You feel better at night thanat day. Rain makes you think of yourself, howit seems you're falling over and over again... Which Japanese name fits you best? [females, 9 results + absolutely stunning ANIME pictures!] brought to you by Quizilla You are "Smashed To Peices" bySilverstein. You have been broken many manytimes, yet you keep on fighting for life. Thatonce special someone hurt you deeply, you'drather die then see them smile. You've beensmashed, suffocated, and torn apart. What Rock Song are you? -Up-dated- brought to you by Quizilla Your a punky fairy! Brightly coloured stripy socksare wicked to you, and you dont take any shitthats said about you! You love to hang out withthe boys as mates (when you aint fightingthem^_^!!!) What kind of fairy ar yu?????(GREAT PIX!!!) brought to you by Quizilla

i am so freakin bored and i have to go to work in about two hours... sad face. i hate work, but whatever. I"M GOIN TO FREAKIN EUROPE IN 3 WEEKS!!! 10 DAYS AWAY FROM THIS LITTLE BITTY TOWN!!! HELL YEAH! i can't wait until i leave. me and nikki are so ready to go. we're gonna stay in a room together. it's gonna be freakin awesome. i'll try to buy you guys somethin... lol. love ya. bye bye.

hi. it's been a while since i've updated... so i'm updatin. i'm bored as fuck. it's 8:51 a.m. here and we still have like an hour in this class. it sucks. i hate my second period. mrs. weatherington sucks. sam got into a wreck in the car with stewart and his parents. her neck is bruised like really bad. they got hit by a drunk driver. um... chelsea's mum & dad are ibn the big Las Vegas for a few days. laine didn't come to school yesterday. sadness. corey and me are doin good. 5 months on the 22nd. my birthday is in like 10 days. "woohoo," is said by me with much sarcastic enthusiasm(sp?). i cant remember how to spell that. i don't think that anything else is really goin on right now so i'm gonna go. -me

(number one- the basics) :x: what color looks best on you? red :x: what color looks worst on you? orange :x: do you paint your finger nails/toe nails? yes :x: if so, what color do you usually use? black :x: do you have a tan? nope :x: did you sit outside on your ass for hours to get this tan? nope :x: are you into fashion? nope :x: why are you taking this survey? i'm bored (number two- shopping) :x: where do you normally shop for clothes? A&F, AE, PacSun, & Hollister :x: if you see something you absolutly LOVE but its WAY overpriced, would you wait for it to go on sale, or would you buy it RIGHT there and then? sale :x: do you tend to buy clothes 3 sizes too big? not at all :x: if not, do you tend to buy clothes 3 sizes too small? nope :x: do you work for your money or do your parents pay for your clothes? both :x: do you know of any stores that you absolutly LOVE and you go in there everytime your at the mall but still havnt bought anything from? nope. our mall sucks (number three- trends) :x: do you start your own trends? nope :x: do you follow trends? not really :x: what do you think about the "punk" trend? i like it :x: what was the best decade for fashion trends? 21st century :x: what do you think about fashion trends? don't really care :x: have you ever noticed how many girls at your school dress exactly the same? yes (number four- shoes) :x: do you wear high heels? ea... when going to a funeral :x: do you wear flip flops? yea. sometimes :x: have you ever made your own pair of flip flops w/ newspaper? no. :x: do you bring extra shoes to school in case your shoes fall apart? no :x: do you write all over your shoes? no :x: have you ever had people sign your shoes? don`t think so :x: where do you usually shop for shoes? lots of places (number five- describe your favorite...) :x: shoes? dc's :x: shirt? spaghetti straps :x: skirt? duno :x: belt? duno :x: hat? pink & brown rusty hat :x: purse? dickies :x: shorts? none :x: pajamas? care bears (last section..number six- random) :x: do you sew? no :x: do your clothes always match your shoes? sometimes :x: do your friends tend to copy your style? no :x: if so, does this annoy you? not really :x: how many belts do you own? 1o, maybe 15 :x: how long do you spend picking out your outfit everynight? harldy no time :x: now that this survey is over, what are you going to do? be bored THE LAST…. -person you hugged: corey -person you called corey -person who called you: corey -thing you touched: keyboard -book you read: cut -magazine you bought: dont really buy magazines -place you went to: school -person who said ‘I love you’: corey -person who you chatted with: corey -perfume you sprayed: bath & body works -thing you ate: chicken biscut -drink you drank: come of corey's coke -flower you picked: don't remember -movie you rented: napoleon dynamite -letter u typed: e -word you said: "it's okay" -person on your mind: corey -place where u slept: my grandmothers house -animal you touched: sonya... corey's dog. -time you cried: this morning 10 random things u lyK! [10] writing [9] shopping [8] friends [7] clothes [6] pissing off certain people [5] Music [4] talking on the phone [3] the rain [2] napoleon dynomite [1] haing something to do 9 of your cLosesT friends [9] laine [8] alex [7] wendy [6] mags [5] chelsea [4] taylor [3] lacey [2] katie [1] corey 8 things u DON’T lyK [8] spiders [7] certain people [6] wHeN PeOpLe TyPe LiKe tHiS [5] living in regret [4] homework [3] getting up in the morning [2] christmas [1] being alone 7 places you would like to visit [7] rome, italy (where i'm goin this summer!!) [6] new york [5] california [4] london, england (where i'm also going this summer!!) [3] disney world [2] paris, france (where i'm ALSO going this summer!!) [1] maine 6 places where you’ve slept in before [6] my bed [5] the floor [4] a tent [3] a friends house [2] my grandmothers house [1] the couch 5 of your fave books [5] gory alliluiah [4] cut [3] all is far in love war & high school [2] fourtune telling [1] amityville horror 4 thingS u wanna d0 b4 u diE [4] skydiving [3] have kids [2] get married [1] live... obvious, but i can't think of anything else...? 3 ppl u wanna meet b4 y0u diE [3] some hot kid [2] duno [1] duno 2 eventS you will never forget [2] when branden left. [1] what i said to him to make him leave. the 1 person you will always love [1] corey. girl stuff o12. do you wear alot of black eyeliner: no o13. would you label your self as a prep: no o14. would you label yourself as a punk: no o15. do you hate posers: yes o16. would you call yourself a poser: no o17. would you say your girly: i can be o18. what is your favorite brand of lip gloss: duno o19. eyeshadow: ? o20. blush / foundation: duno o22. pants size:3 or 5 o23. what is your typical hair do:boring o24. describe your typical outfit: AE jeans & a shirt o25. do you prefer jeans or a skirt: jeans » relatiionshipsz « o26. about how many relationships have you been in: serious ones, about 3 o27. do you have a boyfriend: sort of o28. do you prefer passionate kissing or simple pecks: doesnt matter o30. do you prefer short term or long term relationships: long term o31. brown or blonde haired boys? blonde o32. tall or short: doesn't matter o33.abercrombie boys or hollister boys: dont care o35. what is the longest relationship you ever had: 8 months o36. have you ever broke down in tears over stupid boy: GAWD YES o37. have you ever been dumped: yes o38. ever had your heart broken ? YES o39. ever broken a heart. yes.

you keep it all in until you get home, then you go to your room and you get on the phone. call your best friend cause you think they can make the pain end. try not to cry until you hang up, then go take a bath and practice some math. when you get through, go back to your room, shut the door, and get back on the phone. dont think about the past and try not to look back. you miss him so much and you'd give almost anything just to feel his touch. you cant let your paretns see you cry because you know they'll ask you why. lock your door and lay on your bed. still cant believe that your shrink put you on meds. all you wanna do is stop living. stop breathing. you just want everyone to stop leaving. you've got no idea what to do. no thoughts. no solutions. you've got no clue. you dont know where you belong and the world is just so wrong. you dont know what to believe and you've ended up with so much grief. you write him a note before your all gone. your apologizing for what you did wrong. you slit your wrists and overdose on pills. your wondering what he feels. your slipping away and there's nothing left of your good days. you said it was too much to continue this pain. your funeral was so sad and it was in the rain. he got your letter but by then it was too late. he wished he knew what you had been feeling because he was feeling the same. he had missed you for so long but he could never bring himself to call. he always thought you'd be okay. he always thought there would be another day. he could have saved you but he just never knew. you loved him more than anything and he loved you too. he tried not to cry and he tried to keep it inside but he just couldnt take it anymore. he slit his wrists and he overdosed on pills. he always swore he'd be with you and now he's got the chance. his grave is right beside yours and he doesnt cry anymore. when the laid him in the ground he was smiling cause he knew that now it was okay and he could be with you.

i had a dream inside of a dream the other night. it sorta scared me. nick was in his car and he was on a road he had never been down before and the road ran straight into water. he drowned. i remember going to his funeral, in my dream inside of a dream, and i remember in detail, seeing him in his casket. when i woke up and was in my first dream, i tried to warn him and he wouldnt listen so i went with him because i thought maybe if i were in the car, then it would have been different, but we ended up on that road and ran straight into the water and we couldnt get out. we both drowned. i'm sorry i couldnt save you nick.

you throw up what you eat. you slit your wrists. your trying so hard for attention, not to mention, your a misfit bulemic bitch. yeah right. your bullshit. your so fake in this realm, so cast a spell to kill yourself. if your drowning in such sorrow, i have a gun you can borrow. it's loaded. safety's off. point it at your head. have fun being dead. i'm sick of hearing "it's killing me inside" you poor little thing. your a sad little girl with a sad little life. all you have left are the tears that you cry. mommy and daddy are fighting again. everytime you hear them yell, that's another slit for yourself. if your life is so horrible with your wonderful boyfriend and parents who spoil you, then straighten that red line your drawing on your wrist make sure it's up and down and not from side to side. you don't have the courage to kill you but you've got this "gothic" illusion. your such a non-conformist, just like all the rest. you listen to thier music and all you wear is black. you like to pretend your an individualist but your not. you've conformed into a non-conformist, so in reality, that's what you are. your hair isn't wild enough for you, and you want to dye it blue. your not really "gothic" but you've got nothing to do. i'm tired of your act and i'm sick of your play. all you are is bullshit and i see it everyday. you talk about how great your boyfriend is, then you slit your wrists. you say he hurt your feelings. bullshit that's not it. you slit your wrists for show. your so fake so just go. you want someone to notice you and feel so sorry too. if your life is that bad, then find somewhere high, step off the edge as the nuce holds you tight. all you have to do is hang there and die, but you don't have the courage. and i hate to mention but once more all your in it for is attention.