Well, it's happened again. Yet another man thinking I'm crazy for being so passionate and falling in love so quickly. Cupid doesn't know how to tell time! What is so wrong with falling for someone quickly? When did the world stop believing in love at first sight? Pat officially called me crazy in an email today. I sent him last night's entry and he responded paragraph by paragraph. He thinks I'm crazy. When the hell am I going to meet someone who is okay with falling in love quickly? We clicked! What is the big damn deal? I'm so lost and confused. It's not fair. I've always been a passionate person and what's wrong with automatically liking someone? I know alot about him and have no problems with him...other than him freaking out. I woke up this morning thinking wow I feel like I'm over him but then I read the email and couldn't eat...I cried for a bit, black tears (no run mascara my ass) and just kinda went lethargic for the rest of the day. I'm still feeling a bit out of it but...I've had some chocolate and that's calmed me down. I have to get to bed soon because I'm working IHOP tomorrow morning. Hopefully the manager won't have a cow about it. I was originally supposed to have tomorrow off at IHOP (I'm on at Pinnacle) but I asked the manager on duty on Monday to pencil me in but our regular manager got fired and I don't know who the new manager will be so who knows what will happen tomorrow. I'm kicking myself for not taking the time off and telling Gail I could work tomorrow morning. Oy. Well we'll see what happens. I haven't talked to Pat at all today. I haven't called or anything so we'll see where that goes. He's online right now but he may not actually be around. He certainly isn't making a point to talk to me. What he said really freaking hurt. I'll post his comments here before I go off to bed. "LET THE RECORD SHOW THAT I WAS INTERESTED IN THAT SIDE OF THE BUSINESS AND YES WE DID GO OUT AND YES WE ALMOST KISSED, AND YES I PULLED AWAY BECAUSE I DID NOT THINK IT WAS A WISE PATH TO GO DOWN.." "THANK YOU FOR THE KIND WORDS, I DO HAVE MY DEGREE IN THEATRE, I AM A THEATRE GUY (AND STRAIGHT) AND YES WE DID HAVE SEX, GLAD YOU THOUGHT IT WAS AMAZING." Not sure why he decided to recap each paragraph but okay. "DUMPED IS SUCH A STRONG WORD- BUT I GUESS AS GOOD A WORD AS ANY.. I KNOW YOU DID THIS BECAUSE IT FELT RIGHT, I WILL TELL YOU IT DIDNT FEEL RIGHT TO ME, BUT I DIDNT EXACTLY KNOW HOW TO STOP IT ONCE WE HAD GOTTEN THAT FAR, I CAN NOT CONTROLL THE FACT THAT THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE, AND FRANKLY I AM SICK AND TIRED OF BEING TOLD HOW SICK YOU ARE OF THIS HAPPENING, I CAN NOT CONTROL THAT.." At one point he told me that it felt right to him too. This was the first time I heard him tell me he didn't feel right about it. I mean there were a couple times he said he felt like he was using me but I told him he wasn't. And he wasn't. I never once felt used. And I wasn't "telling" him about it again, I was writing it in my diary. I didn't write that entry as a letter to him I wrote it for me. "YES YOU ARE CRAZY FOR FALLING SO QUICKLY, I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING ABOUT A TIME LIMIT- BUT GUESS WHAT THERE IS ONE, I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU MISS ME (OKAY MAYBE I DON'T).. YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND LOVE ME IF YOU WANT, I JUST CAN NOT GURANTEE THAT I FEEL THE SAME WAY." See what I mean? I told him I wasn't expecting him to feel the same way. I never did and haven't been. I care about him and he said he still cares about me. I'm not asking him to love me back. He asked how I was feeling and since we decided on total honesty I told him. Maybe I shouldn't have. He doesn't understand that I miss him...that freaking hurts. "LOOK I TRIED TO GET OUT OF THERE, BUT GOT PULLED INTO A MEETING.. THE REASON WHY WE CAN'T DATE IS BECAUSE I WANT TO BE FREE, I WANT TO HAVE THE OPPURTUNITY TO HANG OUT WITH OTHERS, HAVE FUN, AND MOST IMPORNTANTLY NOT FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO ANSWER TO SOMEONE. I SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE DOING THAT, I DONT WANT TO FOR A WHILE. .CALL IT THE REVOLUTIONARY IN ME..OKAY INTERESTING HOW YOU HAVE DONE AN ANALYSIS ON ME AND I AM CLOSER TO YOU THAN I WANT TO BE, THAT VERY WELL COULD BE AND OF COURSE IT IS SCARRING ME, FOR FUCK SAKE THE LAST THING I WANT.." I didn't know he was wanting to get out of there before I got there. I'm not sure I want to know if it was because he really didn't want to see me or because it would hurt to see me. I never stopped him from hanging out with other people, or dating other people, I never wanted him to tie himself to me. He NEVER had to answer to me, I'd never ask him to EVER. I was just writing what I thought he was feeling, the vibe I was getting. If I was wrong okay I was wrong. I just really hope the "last thing" he wants is to be with someone in general and he's not saying oh God I want nothing to do with you. "GLAD YOU LIKE MAX!! I AM NOT SURE AMAZING IS A WORD I WOULD USE, CATHERINE ABSOLUTLE.. YOU SHOULD NOT BE JEALOUS- THEY GOT SHIT ON TOO." I'm not sure if that "too" was supposed to be "you" or if I'm assuming too much...or it could be they've got shit on too as in they have problems like everyone else. *shrugs* "GLAD MY WORK INTERESTS YOU, AND I GUESS YOU SENT ME THIS ENTRY- AND YES I DO FALL ASLEEP A LOT I AM A TIRED KID, I WORK HARD.. " I never had a problem with that. "I ADMIT YOU ARE A GOOD MATCH FOR ME, EXCEPT THE RELATIONSHIP, WANTING TO SPEND ALL THIS TIME TOGETHER, AND NOT RESPECTING THE FACT THAT I NEED ROOM.. AND THE GUILT TRIPS- ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE NOT CATHOLIC, OR AT LEAST JEWISH?" He never told me. If he had told me he needed space I would've respected that. I asked him numerous times if he wanted me to go away and give him room and he always said no or I don't know. And I guess the guilt trips...well they're unfortunately part of my nature, a defense mechanism not to get left alone again. "THE LITTLE SNAPS ARE MORE THAN LIKELY A RESULT OF TIREDNESS, I GET BITCHY WHEN I AM TIRED (WHICH i AM AS I WRITE THIS) GLAD YOU LOOKED AT OUR COMPATABILITY" "YEA THAT SAYS IT" (about the horoscope compatibility) "WELL YOUR ASSUMPTION OF A DIFFERENCE IS PROBABLY CORRECT, THE SLOB FACTOR COULD HAVE BEEN A DEFENSE MECHANISIM, I MEAN ME TELLING YOU I AM AN ASSHOLE DIDNT SCARE MAYBE THAT WOULD.. OR IT COULD BE THAT I AM A SLOB WHO KNOWS. . AND I AM GLAD THAT YOUR GROWING, YOU ARE A LITTLE SHORT :) OKAY YOU MEAN AS A PERSON WHICH IS A GOOD THING" Well, his defense mechanisms didn't work, mine didn't either. I think that says something but hey I could be wrong. So, I spent the afternoon in a lethargic state, crying a little every once in a while. It was weird. But yeah still haven't talked to him...and the weird part is, I'm okay with it. I suppose that I've grown through this and know that he needs his space and I'll just hope that he calls. But I'm not going to sit next to the phone until he does. @----)(------