Gettin' gut twisties. And tears pricking at the corners of my eyes. I'm trying to put all trust and faith into them. Into him. But what if...I don't know, what if they decide that it'll be easier to get done away with the virginity thing first off? Even though I know LOGICALLY in my head that he'd never do that because A.)He cares too much about me to go off cheating on me. (YES THAT IS FUCKING CHEATING.), B.)Seems like Maddie is a truly decent person, and C.) I would not hesitate to just lop it off. But there's this little voice in the back of my head that I am sure is the voice of fear, of panic and hysteria, my own self-doubt and After all, it whispers silkily, he wants to be like Billy Flynn. The smoothest of smooth talkers. And I'm trying to push it down, and squelch that irritating little voice, but it keeps coming back. Fainter each time, but...I worry, still. I have been burned by one too many liars in the past. Also, I'm mildly jealous. She seems all too happy to talk about being 'BDSM-oriented' and a virgin and flirting with Tim, but she can't work up the courage to Instant Message me, or even tell me she is looking forward to meeting me? That seems...off somehow, I don't know. I don't think she likes me very much. I don't really see a deep connexion developing between her and I, and if it doesn't, it will make me extremely uncomfortable for the rest of time to think that he is flirting with her over the internet, or maybe even having phone sex with her or something. And now I'm really crying because I shouldn't be having these thoughts and feelings. I should be happy. I should be trusting Tim implicitly, with no question, because it's always me who is the liar and the wrecker of perfectly good relationships. It's always me who fucks everything up. God, I feel so awful. So, so awful. But I can't help it. I can't help feeling uncomfortable with the idea of him taking another girl's virginity. I don't want her to fall in love with him. I don't, I don't, I don't. .................................................. I pulled this entry back up to edit it because I finally managed to squelch that irritating, mistrustful little voice in my head. It's dead, and staying dead, god fucking damnit. But that doesn't change the fact that I hate myself, this whole situation, this fucking relationship right now. Mostly myself. Why can't things be simple and clean? Still crying, but feeling hateful. I can't do this anymore. I can't be on a goddamn rollercoaster anymore. I got shit to do. /EMOTIONAL LOCKDOWN.

Why the Hell is it always ME that has to be the Strong one? Why is it always ME who has to hold in her tears, and her anxiety and her fear and her true feelings about everything..Just so other people won't have to deal with the truth..So OTHER people don't have to deal with my pain. Because they would feel obligated to help. That's always the way it goes. I'm trying SO desperatley to deal with the fact that I was..Pregnant..for a little while, I was...A Mother..A LifeGiver..And to have lost that..it HURTS like Hell. The pain that I feel seems like it's going to go on and on and on until it tears me apart inside. He keeps telling me I'm Strong, I'll get through this, etc. What if I don't WANT to be Strong? What if I want to break down entirely, and sob uncontrollably for my baby? Even if it never really technically was a baby... It was still a part of me, and now It's with..the Angels..Specifically..My Angel...Kailyn.. ...Oh This Glorious Sadness That Brings Me To My Knees....

So..Had another strange dream last night..And..this dream..Was.....disturbing..It frightened me, and I don't know why. All I know, is that I dreamt I was giving head to someone, but I had to stop because the bus was coming and I was going to miss it. The dream kind of scared me for some reason, even though I woke up touching myself. Had an........interesting....morning. After waking up from that dream, I rolled over, and smacked the Snooze button about four times..I finally got up at like 6:30..Got dressed really fast, and made myself something for breakfast..Then I ran out the door..At school, I went up to Legal Issues for my exam..And..I was sitting there for maybe..a minute..Before my stomach started acting up again..And has to run to the bathroom REALLY fast..And I ended up spending like, five minutes in there..And when I came back, everyone stared at me..As if I had...Done something...bad..As if they..knew...What I'd been doing that whole time in the bathroom.. I sat down, and took my exam (Which was pretty easy)..And then I went down to break..And when I found Cara in the cafeteria..And as we were leaving I went.. "Hey Cara." -"What?" "Y'know what's really funny?" -"What?" "Getting laid when you're only partially awake." She stopped, dead in her tracks..And turned slowly, and STARED at me for at least a half a minute.. "I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!" Amusing. I went to gym, wrote a poem, slept some. Went to lunch after, it was alright. Watched Troy in English after, it didn't really interest me. But the music was starting to make me FREAK out. I don't know why. And then Ari took me home after B period. I got home around..12:45. I have things in my head that I don't feel like I can say..But I need to say them, I NEED TO GET IT OUT BEFORE I EXPLODE. Anyways. I found some little bells today, and I put them on a string and they amuse me. Sad, yeah, but oh well. Maybe I'll start carrying one around with me for the day he decides to collar me. But, whatever. I'm not expecting it, I'm not holding my breath for it. I think doing that would cross a line he's not...comfortable...with. But, not expecting it. Not expecting anything, from anyone anymore. I don't expect people to be nice to me, I don't expect the Parental Neglect to end, I don't expect my own feelings of inadaquecy to end. I expect nothing, I hope for nothing. .. And yet, I'm still dissapointed by things. I still think that something was set into motion by the two of us having sex, but Kei doesn't seem to think so. I have my vague, sneaking suspicions that..maybe..just maybe..He'll..become..attached to me...Instead of the other way around. I KNOW he said he doesn't fall in love easily, but he also did say he feels himself getting close to Kei and I. But, then again, I'm probably just being...conceited...(?)..again. I KNOW I need to be more honest with the two of them, and posting this to my SitDiary instead of my LJ or my DJ, it's not being open and honest with them. At all. And that thing in Kei's reading about moving forward fearlessly and doing things and being reckless..yeah, I'm almost positive it's about me. I mean, come on. Trusting someone enough to let them blindfold me, and take off all of my clothes? Yeah, I'd call that moving forward fearlessly. All that other stuff, I don't know. I need to do a reading of my own, and get laid again soon. Because getting laid makes me happy. And stupidly giggly. Which is good.