Gettin' gut twisties. And tears pricking at the corners of my eyes. I'm trying to put all trust and faith into them. Into him. But what if...I don't know, what if they decide that it'll be easier to get done away with the virginity thing first off? Even though I know LOGICALLY in my head that he'd never do that because A.)He cares too much about me to go off cheating on me. (YES THAT IS FUCKING CHEATING.), B.)Seems like Maddie is a truly decent person, and C.) I would not hesitate to just lop it off. But there's this little voice in the back of my head that I am sure is the voice of fear, of panic and hysteria, my own self-doubt and After all, it whispers silkily, he wants to be like Billy Flynn. The smoothest of smooth talkers. And I'm trying to push it down, and squelch that irritating little voice, but it keeps coming back. Fainter each time, but...I worry, still. I have been burned by one too many liars in the past. Also, I'm mildly jealous. She seems all too happy to talk about being 'BDSM-oriented' and a virgin and flirting with Tim, but she can't work up the courage to Instant Message me, or even tell me she is looking forward to meeting me? That seems...off somehow, I don't know. I don't think she likes me very much. I don't really see a deep connexion developing between her and I, and if it doesn't, it will make me extremely uncomfortable for the rest of time to think that he is flirting with her over the internet, or maybe even having phone sex with her or something. And now I'm really crying because I shouldn't be having these thoughts and feelings. I should be happy. I should be trusting Tim implicitly, with no question, because it's always me who is the liar and the wrecker of perfectly good relationships. It's always me who fucks everything up. God, I feel so awful. So, so awful. But I can't help it. I can't help feeling uncomfortable with the idea of him taking another girl's virginity. I don't want her to fall in love with him. I don't, I don't, I don't. .................................................. I pulled this entry back up to edit it because I finally managed to squelch that irritating, mistrustful little voice in my head. It's dead, and staying dead, god fucking damnit. But that doesn't change the fact that I hate myself, this whole situation, this fucking relationship right now. Mostly myself. Why can't things be simple and clean? Still crying, but feeling hateful. I can't do this anymore. I can't be on a goddamn rollercoaster anymore. I got shit to do. /EMOTIONAL LOCKDOWN.