i hate it. i hate that i have started to feel this way about her. because it is just too much for me to bare. i hate how she makes my stomach upset. how she causes every thought in my head to vanish. i hate how i mumble and stutter around her. and how she notices. i shouldn't feel this way about her. she isn't my typical want. she isn't my typical anything. i hate how pretty she is and how wild her hair is and how she doesn't seem to care. i hate how right up until last friday i only noticed her enough to make fun of her for being a chubby little glass wearing poetry reading loser. and now. now i've been bitten by the bug of weird love. i hate how much she hates me. how stupid and jocky she thinks i am. i hate how much i just want her to notice me. more. when in the hell did this happen. why in the hell did this happen. i'm wrong. i know when it happened. it happened last friday when i was teasing her yet again and instead of ignoring me she actually insulted me back. and the dudes actually laughed at me. i never thought she was so mean. no sarcastic. so smart. damn her. and damn me for wanting her.

dear [anonymous (24.10.228.83)], i see your opinions and view-points as very valid and understandable. and i feel for you - for your brother to be fighting somewhere so harsh and not being at home with you. and yes maybe my views were a bit rash as well and a bit over-hyped. but. my point is - is that as americans. as humans. as living/breathing/feeling creatures we should not rely on war to bring about peace. and honestly - although some of it may be misplaced hype and misunderstood fact - we - the american people - were lead into a war for all of the wrong reasons. as ive been following this from the very beginning we were first there to get back our pride due to 9/11 (which if anyone can possibly remember did not even involve suddam but a quite forgotten - long ago escaped rebel known as osama) and then it was WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION and then it was to liberate the people of iraq. i mean no offense...but what will we supposedly be fighting for next. and i do and will always believe that our government - our LEADERS - have and are using our faith and love and pride as a country to turn us into a fighting machine lead by lies and doctored fact. this does not mean i don't recognize your brothers need or feeling or wanting to help by the means of fighting - if anything i see him as brave, but i do see him as duped. i view our soldiers as brave souls fighting a mislead war and attempting to do the right thing for all of the wrong reasons. i believe america should stick to liberating america and leave other countries be. we are not GOD OR GODS in this world. we are not the end all to be all. and we have plenty of people here on our own land that need to be liberated and helped and fought for. and our president and his dear administration are bringing into reality the fiction that was and is 1984. if you don't think so...then there is no hope for you. to use religion is to use GOD against his so called creations. i'm by no means a religious person but i am beginning to see quite a nice strong link between WAR, AMERICA, GOD, CONSERVATIVE, LIBERAL, and so on and so forth in our present times...and it frightens me a bit to believe that thousands of years ago all of our ancestors ran to our new land in order to resist control of religion and freedom and rights...and now we are slowly being chained down again. i hope your brother returns home safe. i hope they all come home, but they won't and there is no one to blame anyone but our leaders. we need reform and revolution before it gets too out of hand. before its too late. i'm sorry i cannot see it any other way. things are changing. and not for the better. --------------------- now moving on from that depressing topic. i had a rather eventful day. i worked out a bit. i played some football. practiced some skateboarding - which i might add is completely almost impossible for someone so tall and improperly coordinated. i also talked to kyle again today. he was walking past my house while i was attempting my new TONY HAWK career. we spoke for a bit and he gave me some tips on boarding. i made a deal to teach him how to surf and play ski-ball extremely well if he promised to help me pass calc. this being a good person thing has been going alright i guess. i did catch myself making fun of some girl earlier - but i stopped and instead bought her a coke and we talked about the difference between vanilla bean and just plain vanilla ice cream. my little sister has a boyfriend. and has started her period. some thing i told her to never-ever-ever talk to me about again. my mother actually baked her a cake for this...i do not understand females...at all i've decided. i also think i have a crush on some geeky little girl across the street. i never noticed before but she has very sarcastic wit. i think i need a shower.

over the years. i used to tease this boy named kyle constantly. everyday i made it hell for him. just because i could. just because i was bigger and stronger and cooler and more popular. just because kyle was this weird wirey kid with no sense of humor and a dedication to studying and reading and being quiet. just because he didnt like sports and didnt seem impressed with me. just because. the other night i was walking home from the store down the street and of all people i spotted kyle lounging in the park with his dog and younger brother. as i was passing our eyes met and of course as always he looked away first. i was going to keep walking and head home but for some reason i had the strangest urge to stop and talk to him. so i did. he was surprised at first and made a point to ask me when i was going to be torturing him. i apologized and offered to take him and his brother and his dog down the street for a pizza. he agreed. and we hung out the rest of the night. things i learned about kyle. he likes rugby. not footballfootball. his mother passed away last year. he plans on going to boston university. and he always thought i was an asshole. ----------- i think i need to be a better person from now on. i think ill try. harder. i think.

i suppose. my ranting isnt so needed all of the time. i suppose. my views dont have to be shared. nor felt. from the opposing team. i suppose. i preach a bit too much. BUT. its hard to sit back. when you see the potential of the entire world before you. AND. you witness that potential going to complete waste. --------- if i had it my way. everyone. all over the world would be okay. everyday. and not rely on that little ghost called someday. --- i failed another history exam because i refused to lie about the past. and i may have exaggerated a bit. but. history is some times too boring. it needs to be spiced up a bit. mr. allwellson didnt seem to agree. he is a bastard. but. a good teacher i suppose. ------------------ i wonder if falling out of love is easy. maybe a new hobby would help. maybe cross stitching. or mud wrestling. or drugs. maybe a drug habit would help. i wonder. where all the time goes.

since you didnt leave your name, but felt the need to write: I think you need to mature a lot. There is such a thing as a just war, and liberating the people of Iraq is a JUST WAR. Pull your head out and try to comprehend that one, because if you ask ANY American soldier, our brothers and sisters, they will tell you that it's worth it. So try to be a little supportive to those men and women that are dying so YOU can have the freedom to write your crap. ---------------------------------- apparently dear stranger you have confused "just" with "lies." apparently you are one of the fools i speak of. one of those that believe in this war because you have eaten up every misgiven lie and supposed "fact" faked to make us believe that this war was called for. dear stranger show me the weapons of mass destruction...o wait. dear stranger show me the link between suddam and 9/11 and the towers...o wait. dear stranger show me the iraqi people there wanting our help...wanting us involved in their country...show me absolute proof that they want our "help" to liberate them...to make them our project...show me...o wait. dear stranger explain to me the reason why that now that america is in charge of the oil why our prices have so suddenly risen and keep rising...o wait. dear stranger explain to me the truthful reasons why this war is just?...o wait. dear stranger show me the facts and not what our "admistration" has given us...o wait. dear stranger...fuck off...you know nothing and therefore accept everything that is fed to you. you are one of the million/trillion reasons our country and world is going to shit. our soldiers are fighting not for our (the american/iraq) benefit, but for our governments benefit, our moronic presidents benefit, our wealthy populations benefit. this war is not a war at all but an excuse. an excuse i am sick and tired of people forcing me to believe in. we should maintain our own environment before interrupting someone elses. dear stranger show me our government rescuing our people in new orleans...o wait. call me unamerican. call me ungrateful. call me immature. at least im awake. "The imperialist, genocidal, fascist attitude of the U.S. president has no limits. I think Hitler would be like a suckling baby next to George W. Bush," Chavez said from a stage decorated with a huge red image of himself as a young soldier. DAMN STRAIGHT.

its blinding me. all of this repetitive propaganda on television. in the movies. in the magazines. its so very blinding. yesterday while walking down a street i will not name past a store i do not name i overheard a rather disturbing conversation between a daughter and her mother. daughter "but ashley has one and tony and vicki." mother "i dont think its a good idea honey. youre only 12." daughter "this is so unfair. i hate you." (turns her back and pouts) mother "jennifer. okay ill think about it." daughter "well lets go look at them now...i need one by friday. thats when beth is getting hers." mother "i said id think about it." daughter "moooooooom...its just a cellphone. i want one now. god i hate you." by this point. i couldnt listen any longer. i wanted to hit the girl. i wanted to smack her and tell her to wake up. wake up to the world. to the real world around you. the world isnt a cellphone. or a ipod. or those ridiculous clothes you pay so much for just because some skinny dead looking model says that "its made for you." i just want to scream. GET OVER IT. GET OVER IT. the noises on the street. people talking to people talking to people talking on their cellphones. about things i shouldnt know. telling things i shouldnt hear. screaming things i dont want to hear. the noises of the rings. and the keypad tones. and the talking. must you give a blow by blow account of what youre doing every fucking moment of your petty little life? "O HI SAM IM JUST IN LINE RIGHT NOW. IM WALKING UP TO THE CASHIER. THE TOTAL IS 11.95. I AM HANDING HER A 20. SHE IS WEARING A VERY NASTY LOOKING SHIRT. THE CASHIER IS. NOW SHES HANDING ME MY CHANGE. NOW IM WALKING OUT OF THE DOOR. IM HEADING TO MY CAR..." someone give me a fucking break. we have become so unimportant through our own diagnosed important-ness that life now is just a series of cellphone calls and ipod tunes and self cleaning ovens. i loathe our times. i was born too late.

of the second coming is more then i can handle. the question is coming up all over the place out of the blue in right in my face. DO YOU LOVE JESUS? DO YOU ACCEPT JESUS? what is this becoming? what is this becoming? ive been worrying secretly for some time now. at all of the stares and poses and weird questions and people implying certain things about christ and our father and our acceptance of him. and the alliance religion has made with being conservative. what is happening? i am liberal. ive never before felt the need to label myself as one way or the other. but lately. lately. it seems apparent that one must choose a side. sides be damned. one must decide on which to follow. and conservatives seemed linked with the supreme while the liberals support the underbelly. the dark down below. the one we call satan. evil. but. in the dictionary. liberal means to support freedom. basically open-mind-ed-ness. and now. things are becoming complicated. and we seem to be joining forces beyond our comprehension. i will say it proudly. loudly. uninterrupted. un-ashamed. I DO NOT SUPPORT BUSH. I DO NOT SUPPORT THE WAR. I DO NOT BELIEVE THE MUSLIMS ARE TO BLAME. I DO NOT THINK OUR SOLDIERS, OUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS, SHOULD BE DYING EVERYDAY. I DO THINK BUSH IS A MORON. A CORRUPT PUPPET HEAD FOR A BIGGER AGENDA. I DO WONDER WHY A FEW YEARS AGO GAS PRICES WERE AT THE MOST 1.49 A GALLON AND NOW THAT WE ARE "IN CONTROL" THEY JUST KEEP RISING. I DO WONDER WHY THE RICH GET TAX BREAKS. AND EVERY FUCKING CHILD GETS LEFT BEHIND. I DO BELIEVE JESUS HAS BECOME THE MAIN IMAGE OF PROPAGANDA TO BE USED AND ABUSED. I DO BELIEVE OUR AMERICAN WORLD IS ON THE BRINK OF EXSTINCTION. I DO BELIEVE WE ARE ALLOWING IT TO HAPPEN. if you do not agree. then i believe you are blind. and you should go back and read 1984 thoroughly. the past doth repeat itself. even the roman empire eventually fell. dont be blind. be aware.

i am young. i am in love with my best friend. i am hopeless because of this. i am part insomniac part pathological liar. i am restless these days. i am nervous these days. i am trying to forget the past. i am trying to forget the future. i am in school. i am studying biology. i am studying world history. i am scared of thunderstorms. i am 6'4." i am 190 lbs. i am dark complexed with dark hair with blue eyes. i am intolerant of people different then me. i am a wreck. i'd like to think that if i try hard enough then some thing good will happen. but some times it all just crashes down around me and i become nervous again. i wish i could talk to the people around me but they have no idea of what or who i really am. somedays it feels so difficult to breathe.