u know i hate it when im thinkg and its really brillant and heartfelt and ive found the right words and i have nowhere to write it down. so i end u forgettin the great hings i have thought of or the feelings i had about somethingi think from now on i will carry a notebook where ever i go and if i feel like writing i will write. So now im thinking... what is it that i was thinking...m now turning off the tv so it wont distarct me conversation andi will play some music and if my cd player really loves me it will play my bright eyes cd...and it does ok so...what is it that im thinking about???? Relationhips....an over talked about subject so here i am giving my two cents in along with th rest of the owrld. and heres a little story Since i have moved i recently talked to a friend of mine from back home. he and i were always ok friends we talked when we saw each other but we were never really close. This semster we had lunch together and we satrted talking more and he asked me out and i said yes, tho i had another guy in mind(that same guy asked me out 10 minutes later) at the time i regreted this so much.i really like dhtis other guy and didnt feel anything for my new oyfriend. but the great thing about the relationship is that everyone had the hots fro him. even my best friend who went out with him years ago and it wasnothin but making out. since they went out hes only been in one relationship. some girl he met and they stayed together off and on for like three years. it was crazy every time things started to get to a year she would break up with him. she was so indecisive. she broke up with him for other guys. but then finally they broke up for good HE WAS OVER HER..well so i thought. so i decided i would give this boy a chance and go out wiht him because he was such a great guy and he still is. the next day we broke up. he wasnt ready to face what his ex had to say. she wote him a heart felt letter explaining how she is ok with him moving on but she doesnt know what she would do knowing that his hands were upon me, or his lips kissing me ...and so on (im sure u get the jist) well this made him feel like he hurt her and made him re evaluate his felings for her. So after the first break up the next day we got back together after he thought about it some and said that he didnt need her she would just hurt him again. but that didnt last long that same night i broke up with him. i could tell he wasnt ready for a relationship yet. as much as he said he was over her he was lying to himself.and i could tell these things. so before weeks later before i had left for my new home he asked me out again. he begged me. i said no. i didnt want to get hurt. see the guy i talked about earlier that asked me out too.. well i started goingout with him.. i like him so much.. ihadnt liked ne one that much in so long but now i think why did i even like him. it was purely sexual so now it means nothing to me.(nothing ever happened) but he broke up with me soon after we started going out so from there on out i was very concious about getting hurt. i thought this boy from the not so disatant past might hurt me. so i said no. i felt bad for it. we were surrounded by all our friends as he got on his knees begging for me to go back out with me. and i said no. later on i felt like a heartless bitch but that day iw rote him a letter explainign how i felt and that i didnt think he was completely over his ex either. and it made everything all better for then. ok dont get me wrong i may sound dumb for caring about a realtionship that couldnt last 24 hrs but we started getting really close. i mean he told me things that he wouldnt tell just ne one....and me...i pushed him away see thats what i am just now realizing i do. everytime i start liking a guy im happy and they get close and i think their dumb but when i think aboutt the perfect guy he would care about the things these guys talk about. so basiclly im pushing away the people adn qualitites i want and crave and hope fro. i am becoming my own destructure...and im soon going to blow. so now i recently talked to this guy and he is doing wonderfully. and there is no doubt in my mind that he isnt over his ex. but no im here in another state miles away and unable to be with him and this affects me in so many ways. i ahve not completely decided my feelings for hima t this point. but i wish were able to be together evern if just as friends.as long as we can get close like we almost did at one time. i miss this guy so much and he says that he wish we could have stayed ina realtionship loger and now im jsut wishing he would have really givven up on his ex sooner. but i think would i have gone out with him then??? prolly not because sometimes as caring and loving and love longing person as i am. i do shitty stuff. i would have said no hoping for something better. what is wrong with me. i always push away the good ones or when i dont i dont try to fix the problems we have. its like im looking to get hurt.