Hell on Earth

Second beer tonight that I've counted so far. I'd drink too if I lived with me. How are you supposed to kick four addictions at once? Not the easiest shit to do. The porn is just the icing on the cake. He may not physically cheat anymore, but he sure does lust and engage with other women all the time behind my back. It wasn't just a few months, it was years. Maybe you've also been physically cheating this whole time too. I remember smelling perfume when he was at our old apartment and he said he didn't start cheating until we moved into the new place. I'm totally sick and fucking furious every moment of every day. I can't eat because I'm afraid of throwing up or maybe I just have no appetite. Every time I cry, I'm amazed I have more tears to cry, they never end. How can I continue. He wants me to break up with him but he cannot do it. He is only continuing for my daughter's sake and because he feels guilty. He doesn't really love me, he only thinks he owes me this. Well, I don't want his pity or be a fucking side piece. I just wanted authentic love for christ sake. He will learn to cover his tracks better. Things will go back to status quo and I'll be all alone again, living a life for someone else. I'll go back to being a flesh light every once in awhile. The only difference, is that I know now.
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Do you realize...

It's strange to go back to a diary again. After all this shit that has been going on in my life, the last thing I want to do is write it down. It's what I do when I go through my breakups though. I start writing everything thing down since I can never trust my memory. Every time I'm asked to trust someone, they stab me in the back. They also try to make me feel crazy for finding clues about what they are lying about. I'm too smart. I figure shit out. I've learned to trust my instincts over the years but I chose to ignore them this time around. I wanted a perfect life so badly that I thought I could make it work regardless, just as long as he was faithful. All I valued was faithfulness and honesty in a relationship. I will never find that. Porn has taught men to think of and treat women like objects and toys. Porn is addicting and they will always succumb. I refuse to be someone's pet while they can go and do whatever that want with no consequences. I'm just supposed to be grateful he doesn't hit me. I saw that, but I stay. I stay because I love him. Leaving my other ex was easy. I had no emotional attachment, nothing keeping me there except my daughter. Soon I realized it was not healthy for her in the situation and I finally removed myself. I didn't mourn the loss of my relationship. I mourned the fact that my daughter will be from a broken home. I wanted a real relationship with someone she could look up to and learn how a relationship should work. Instead I look like the crazy one instead because it's not like I can say what's really going on with anyone. All they know is I'm acting like a fucking unreasonable crazy bitch. I only hurt my daughter by bringing people into her life and ripping them away. Maybe if I die, my two exes can raise her instead. She would be better off without my trauma and my mental illness affecting her. She will be cared for and loved. She would never be burdened with my pain. Hopefully I will just be a distant memory of someone who just yelled a lot and was mean So I saw all this shit but I can never do anything about anything. I am frozen in fear. Fear I will never know love. Fear I will have to pretend to be happy until I die to make my daughter happy. Fear that running away by myself may be the best option for everyone. I will have to pay child support but I could always get a roommate. And I'd probably have to move. That's okay too. Start over. But I don't want to. I thought I knew who he was. hinkink I saw who I wanted to see. And him to me. I'm not anything special. All I do is cause agony and strife. Sometimes I wish I could get the courage to leave everyone and everything. To set everyone free from me. I keep hoping it's just a bad dream. S S
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secrets are like a virus untreated they eat you from the inside invading every bone invading every cell but when you're already dead inside... who cares? life is just too short i wish we had more time
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The Used- Small, simple, safe price. Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets. This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals. And I am not afraid to die; I'm not afraid to bleed and fuck and fight, I want the pain of payment. What's left, but a section of pygmy sized cuts. Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks. Would you be my little cut? Would you be my thousand fucks? And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid. To fill and spill over and under my thoughts. My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter. I'm cutting trying to picture your black, broken heart. Love is not like anything, Especially a fucking knife...
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Feeling: powerless
Pound my knuckles hard against the floor. My head against the wall. But I did this to myself. Assume it's just not worth getting back up, so I'll blame it on bad luck. And I'll shake responsibility, yeah. I spent some time in a bad place at 18, wishing I could see something through clear eyes. Do you ever wake up to realize that your life is meaningless? Does it give you strength or lead you to your grave at a young age? It seems that when I ran away from my past all my dignity, my faith, my pride got left back. And now I think it's time that I realize self pity's meaningless. Though I'm 10 feet deep, I'll claw my way back out from in my grave. Now I realize, I'd give anything I have to walk a day in my old shoes. Wondering what my first smoke would be like, my first fuck, my next fuck up. {Or} the next band that would change my life and it changed my life and it changed my life. Pound my knuckles hard against the floor. My head against the wall. But I did this to myself. Assume it's just not worth getting back up, So I'll blame it on bad luck. And I'll shake responsibility. And say a hard life did this to me.
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