Do you realize...

It's strange to go back to a diary again. After all this shit that has been going on in my life, the last thing I want to do is write it down. It's what I do when I go through my breakups though. I start writing everything thing down since I can never trust my memory. Every time I'm asked to trust someone, they stab me in the back. They also try to make me feel crazy for finding clues about what they are lying about.

I'm too smart. I figure shit out. I've learned to trust my instincts over the years but I chose to ignore them this time around. I wanted a perfect life so badly that I thought I could make it work regardless, just as long as he was faithful. All I valued was faithfulness and honesty in a relationship. I will never find that. Porn has taught men to think of and treat women like objects and toys. Porn is addicting and they will always succumb. I refuse to be someone's pet while they can go and do whatever that want with no consequences. I'm just supposed to be grateful he doesn't hit me.

I saw that, but I stay. I stay because I love him. Leaving my other ex was easy. I had no emotional attachment, nothing keeping me there except my daughter. Soon I realized it was not healthy for her in the situation and I finally removed myself. I didn't mourn the loss of my relationship. I mourned the fact that my daughter will be from a broken home. I wanted a real relationship with someone she could look up to and learn how a relationship should work. Instead I look like the crazy one instead because it's not like I can say what's really going on with anyone. All they know is I'm acting like a fucking unreasonable crazy bitch.

I only hurt my daughter by bringing people into her life and ripping them away. Maybe if I die, my two exes can raise her instead. She would be better off without my trauma and my mental illness affecting her. She will be cared for and loved. She would never be burdened with my pain. Hopefully I will just be a distant memory of someone who just yelled a lot and was mean

So I saw all this shit but I can never do anything about anything. I am frozen in fear. Fear I will never know love. Fear I will have to pretend to be happy until I die to make my daughter happy. Fear that running away by myself may be the best option for everyone. I will have to pay child support but I could always get a roommate. And I'd probably have to move. That's okay too. Start over.

But I don't want to. I thought I knew who he was.

hinkink I saw who I wanted to see. And him to me. I'm not anything special. All I do is cause agony and strife. Sometimes I wish I could get the courage to leave everyone and everything. To set everyone free from me.

I keep hoping it's just a bad dream.



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