I have this theory that I do not share with anyone for fear that I will be excommunicated from the inner circle of sanity that ive formed in order to better connect with people that i dont really want to connect with. I have never felt more scared and alone in all of my twenty one years ive graced this earth. i used to be able to coast through life with a numbness that encompassed my every waking moments. The numbness made it easier to deal with the complexities that come with being human. It was a sort of blissful ignorance that engulfed my existence, as if i was floating through life on a cloud, so serene and unaware. Awareness is a curse. Knowledge is a blanket of burdens, thick and impenetrable, that wraps me up so tight...it chokes me. At times its so overwhelming I find it difficult to cope with and i am left a sobbing pile of wretched flesh being eaten from the inside by my own awareness. Is it me, or are we all just robots? Do any of you question anything? Why have I been cursed with the brain capacity to understand how fucked we are... I wish it's something that can be passed along but it has attached itself to me and replicated my cells, copied my DNA and has made itself a home inside my brain, feeding off of my misery and fear. Like a virus, unrelenting and merciless. A virus is non living. but what does it mean to be alive, if there are not much behavioral differences between humans and viruses. My brain sends the signal to scream but my lungs are rebellious, they do not obey.