Longing for Options

Lately it seems that some of my never ending dreams come to a rapid stop. Be aware of not building a log cabin in Canada and live there in example. But why is that? Reality for sure kicks you in the butt some times - but is it normal to stop dreams being there just to escape the everyday madness? I've learned, that i can do anything, if i just get my ass up and start doing it. Dissassembling an engine, renew it and put it back together = check Same with a gearbox = check Renewing our old House from 1938 alone = check Becoming some important guy because working hard for 10+ years = check Travelling to Canada = check About my son i've written enough. He's all i could have wished for. I'm a bit afraid, that i just lose my dreams, if i stay together with my wife. At some point i will surely have let all of them passed by and the kids will be grown up, we both will be old and there will be silence. Her head facing the tablet. My eyes searching for her contact, but just wonder around on cold ignorance. My questions stay unanswered and my visibility vanishes while i fall to dust. Taking a dreams and puzzling myself together after an everyday rejection, eating them up to fix myself. I just took this as strength until now, but i realise how i miss them. This is just a bad year. Be well all.
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my anchor

8 years ago, after a long birth session, my son was born. Since then, everything changed for me. I became more sensitive, so i really cannot watch movies with too much violence anymore. I'm thinking about my own mortality in a different way. He sometimes says i shall always be with him and he's never moving out for sure. He is just staying with us and his future family and kids. I doubt my own childhood, because i know now, how much love you can give to a child and always try to give even more. I love him so much, that i will try to stick around as long as possible. He is my anchor, my saviour, my own little god. He is just perfect. He is the one making my life worth living. After nearly 13 Years of being together with my wife now, i realise our relationship is just sticking together due to the kids. It's one of those feelings, which climb sneaky up your spine and make a small dance performance in your mind before its disappearing with a silent *poof* because you wipe it out to make yourself not feel uncomfortable. And now i think about this more often. Leave her. At least, when he is old enough. But when is old enough? Now he's too young. I cannot live without bringing him to bed at night and we're both talking nonsense and reading a book before i tug him in. I just know, that i've learned a lot in our relationship the last 13 years. That i developed in some point of my character. But i also have to face the fact, that mostly she is making me unhappy. She loves to argue with nearly everyone. So we are isolating ourself due to that. Only we grown ups though. The kids always were and are able to chose their friends by themself. With her it is quite difficult. She cannot keep friendships. She've had best friends though over the years, but at some point the had a fight about whatnot and then the friend left and was also abandoned. Fact is, that i have one (1) friend, which i know from kindergarden. We see each other once in a while. Thats it. She has some girls to hang out with. All the couples we were friends with left after a while, due to her. I'm surely not easy to handle myself, but it is really that she cannot keep connected without getting so hurt after a while that she has to cut off contacts.At this point, we are not involved in the social life of our village anymore. This is partially my fault, because i whatsapped with some other woman and it was the gossip of the year in 2017, but no. We are not participating on anything anymore. Since the youngest one goes to elementary school in the next town, everything calmed down a little. We wre much more anon in the town. I grew up there, have some old contacts and i used that to help our son a little bit in accomplishing social status there. Now my wife is arguing with one of her girls, which lives in this town since birth. I really hope she wont mess it up now and makes us ghosts in the town. As for my part i stuck to the deal and didn't look for adventures. Even though if i'd like to. Im wondering btw why i always write my diary in english... ill continue later... so long and have a nice weekend. The weekend was quite harmonic, we chopped our christmax tree, set it up and decorated it with classic figurines from the Erzgebirge. Anyone who's interested can just search for 'Erzgebirge Weihnachtsschmuck'. I always loved these little handcrafted figurines. But they are hella expensive, so i was lucky some years ago to grab a carton full off the bay. Yesterday we got into a stupid fight again and were not talking anymore. We were just different opinions and i told her, that her opinion is irresponsible. She always turns it that way, that it's all my fault. She is becoming all mute then on me - because i hate this. It bugs me the whole day, that there is something between us and i'm always giving in after a while, taking it on my shoulders. It's going since 12 years like this and i still hate it. Sometimes i just wantto leave her. Not the kids, not the house, not the cats, but her. I cannot accept, that everything what is going wrong in our live and make arguments is my fault. But i'm used to give in. Used to crave for harmony, used to want to fix everything, used to be used like this. That is sitting upon me like a drooling demon continuing pinching my neck. This makes me feel weak, everytime i'm losing myself in these situations. Give in, for christs sake, just make, that it's all good again. This is not so easy with a woman, which is looking for an argument. On days like these, a little part of me is dying inside, i thinks its the safety lid, i keep closed all the time, which is be opened through emotions like this. Once opened, there is this guy inside me who shows me Big signs with the truth. Like in that Bob Dylan Music Video - subterranian homesick Blues. I don't know, if it's right to give yourself up and keep a family together. All the thoughts and feelings telling me, that it would be better for me to leave her. But it would be worse for my sons, if i did. So i go to that guy with the truth-signs, tell him to just grab a coke and have a smoke in the waiting room. I'll be there for him in a decade or two. I also read some of my old poetry from back in the days and i have to say, even there was lots of drugs and alcohol and loneliness involved i like most of them still. I stopped writing poetry, after my wife told me once that it is shit and noone would understand it. Today i know, that this is all not important. Important is, that i wrote it. And maybe i'll try (without drugs & Alc of course) at some point catching up on all these people with their signs, the thoughts and the pictures, that are drawing by the rain into a pond enlightend by a neon billboard and set something into words again. I never stopped being me, but im hiding most of the time - to be compatible with the everyday life in my family. To be mean in that matter i always thought i would save my wife, when i met her. I always thought i could do that. Be there for somebody, take care and love will be filled in her heart. Stop her loneliness and her anger against the world and everyone. But i underestimated the tempest her anger has and therefor im hiding in that inner shelter of me. Thats it for today so far.
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The Heat of the Moment

It is funny, how i come back here over all these years. I check sitd nearly every day and it feels like a cozy, secret place, noone of my real life is aware of, except me. It's a real diary and i love this here. Also it is impressive how many people (which are posting visibly) are returning here more or less often to swim in nostalgic memories or just share thoughts and doubts of the present. I liked that imagination of screwedangel how aliens my find these documents of human thoughts one day and i made me laugh in my office. These are the moments which are making my day and make me feel so comfy here. The fast lane of the internet with all the temporary rubbish is fading out after a short while, but these diaries here are online over a decade now and contain the skidmarks of growing up. I'm very grateful that scott leaves this website here open. It apperently helps a lot of people cheking in to a motel, taking a break from the fast lane. Well yeah 2020 is what we call 'Scheiße' in German but these are not really news. HomeOffice, Curfew(?), Homeschooling, closed shops and restaurant, not able to travel, no fun at all, lot's of tin foil freaks and supressed-in-their-right-of-licking-doorknobs-naked-with-hundreds-of-other-people-while-eating-boogers-with-a-strangers-toothbrush activists. Suddenly Millions of people are virology-specialists, know their rights and have to go to a public demonstration. In the meanwhile a guy is going postal and carmageddon in a public street in Trier, Germany, killing a family including a 9 week old baby. Another guy is shooting at her ex and afterwards himself 5km from my house. Don't get me wrong, i'm not living in Frankfurt, Detroit or Russia. It's more like Maine, but from the movies. A very old friend of mine is telling me last week, that this is all a fraud, that business is taking over even more control of all the governments and that he is hoping, that Trump will be back soon, because he's the only one not following the rules of the big companies and business. Well yeah. I guess that was it for him then. My little son starts hating the cities more and more, we were shopping some clothes last Saturday and he really was apathic until we sat in the car on our way home again. He said he hates the cities. Now that can be because iam more the backwood guy and not so high rolling main street, or it can be because he is just breaking apart with all these rules, contrains and limitations. A friend of his is now in the hospital, with a bacteria infection of her lungs. She is 7 years old and she likes to carve, making fire, loom bracelets and is half princess, half knight. I really hope she is going to be ok, and so does my son. My eldest one is getting more grumpy than i ever was in my teenage years, he's being an asshole most of the time to all of us, but well, after all he is just unsure of what to do with his life and im going to help him, of course. Yes, my wife, she never has been easy and she cannot keep friendship upheld, but innerly she is becoming more calm and not so angry anymore. PMS is hell, though and even more because she cannot go out. So i have to catch this. Whatever. I Love her. My mother fell again and broke her arm. She was in surgery and is now at home. Nobody believed her, that she was losing conciousness due to her alcohol problem. Well hey! But i did. I was the only the one who believed here instinctly and i have to say i felt like an idiot afterwards. It's called co-addicted apparently and i have to get used to the fact, that im still hiding her alcoholism, even after 43 years. She is sober now, since she left hospital....she said... you know? Sometimes it's hard to face reality for me, to face that there are obviously people just lying to me. I have this god given trust as you call it in german, this is my inner protection for all uncomfortable in this world. It slithered me quite successful through life. Sometimes i wake up and realise I'm the biggest liar to myself. I feel like that Bum in 'The Maxx'. I don't know how this popped into here, just came out - this is why i love sitd so much.Work is really dull the last year, i work or i don't, it doenst make a difference in my position. I'm grateful, that i made it so far in the company and that all my departments are running well. But i feel not needed. Even though i'm making decisions - i really would like to have something tangible after a working day. I have a crush sometimes - but without trying to make more out of it. There is this one mother at school, i described here some posts ago. When i see her, she smiles and says 'hello' and smiles with her pale blue eyes. I know she is just firnedly and she probably knows that i have a crush, but i just feels good, to sooth that daily madness in this calming face. She's like a Madonna. So i never thought i could have a crush on someone for 5 seconds, once a week. It feels good and it doesnt hurt anyone - so i guess it's ok. But hey: i clicked her on XiNG! I'*m such a daredevil ;-)That was it for today, just had to let my thoughts float for a while. PS: X-mas? I hope so.
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Oh yeah, turned 43 today! I'm repetative when i write i never thought i'd get so old when i was 20. Nuff said.
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Make Murica great again

After 4 years in desolation, the land of the free finally gets back it's integrity. I've never been to the states, but i always loved them, the rays of the american spirit always flickered in my mind. Hopefully He can fix the soul, which some crook sold out to the devil. Everything else is corona, baby. We are having the second lockdown, and lots of people try to sew the government for their right to have a coffe in a restaurant. Crazy, how egoistic society has become in the last 50 years.
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Summer's nearly over

'i met a girl who sang the blues and i asked her for some happy news, but she just smiled and turned away. I went down to the sacred store where i'd heard the music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play.' Hard times are timeless...
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Summer of 2020

This year is obviously 'for the arse' as we say in german. At least i was lucky with not losing my job until now and also my wife had the opportunity to do homeoffice and school our little one at home. We had a quite normal summer holiday and now school will hopefully start again in two weeks so he will be able to come back to wisdom and knowledge after this turbulent year. I think germany did quite well with the pandemic and is still ongoing doing a good job. On the one hand the germans are still carrying that prussian gene with follow all orders of the government, behave and function. On the other hand, this oldfashioned attitude is not implemented in all generations and a lot of people complain about these 'restriction' we all have to bare. I think it's quite ridiculous to go on protest, because the government did a good job in healthcare and crisis planning. But thats also german. Complain complain complain. My wife's and my soul are in italy, where we plan to live, when we're old. It's simple, relaxed and beautiful. Just as you may know it from hollywood movies. My thoughts are always with the american people, you have to suffer under a bad crisis management and you don't have all the protection regarding job loss, healthcare and so on. All the benefits, we germans complain about. I saw that 'meme' the last days again, in which they worte down a timeline of our grandparents: Started with ww1 when they were children, world business crisis in the 1929's, ww2 when they were young adults, nuclear strike and korea war, vietnam and cold war. That is so true. I never understood, why my grandmother, which was a woman out of a good house and had a good education married my grandfather who was a farmer. She told me then, shortly before her death in 2007 that she just never thought he would come back from war. They just married so she would have the security and he so that he would have a goal to keep hanging on. She did for herself the right thing after the war and stayed with her husband, which she really didnt know. Most important thing, she never stopped appreciating life, however poor it was with luxury. She handcrafted picture frames out of the plastic covers of chocolat candy and she worked her garden for the vegetables. She always said, she would never, ever chose that life again, but was still happy. With all these struggles, we have in these days, and there will be surely more to come on for all of us: we should never, ever give up on appreciating life. Never stop wondering how beautiful the sky is and how sedulously a bumblebee is just carrying on, even if it is just for on summer. I could cry sometimes, for no particular reason. I love cuddling with my son, when i bring him to bed ad night. I enjoy him reading better with every word he is exploring in a book. And i'm always stunned how much truth he is telling. I wish you all the strength to carry on and to find something worth living for. Life isn't over. Life is ongoing and we are just the bumblebee carrying on for one summer.
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13 Years

today, thirteen years ago, i got a phone call at 5am. My dad was dead. thir-teen years ago. Fare thee well, 'Bap' world is a lonelier place without you.
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Corona, what else?

It is weird, that it takes a pandemic to connect people worldwide with their feelings and behavior.The germans didn't have a lockdown or school closing since the WW2 and most of them don't accept it. As i can see on TV, a lot of young people still meet up in the park and having 'corona parties'. I guess that is just the youth, dancing on the edge, still not realising, that life isn't endless at all. I'm quite happy to live on the countryside, my wife is at home since Monday and teaches our little one at home. We have a friend with two sons living in our village, that is so far the only contact were having atm. We have the opportunity to go to the forst, through the fields and meadows, look at the closed down playgrounds (they really put fences up). We will have a BBQ this evening, the weather is georgeous today and it was yesterday. We stocked up some food, alcohol and toilet paper of course ;-) I even ordered some seed for beans, cabbage, salad, carrots, tomatoes and herbs yesterday and will plant something in our garden, just for the case... I regret, that i didn't finish the chicken coop, so we don't have chicken, but well. They say, the food stores and everything else necessary won't be shut down, so i try to trust this halfway. What i wanted to say is, i really don't want to live in the big cities right now, clamped into your flat, with maybe a small balcony and no green or fresh air. I think after this crisis, a lot of people will move back to the countryside. We also have a small Cabin in the woods where we can go inbetween and just see something else, make some fire with the kids, so they can still have their freedom. It is funny, i always liked the solitude and it didn't really change, even in this situation. What i realise often during the day is, how that virus is going through every winding of my brain, just the thought of the virus so far. Everything is careful in my mind, everything is concerned. That is really the hardest thing for me at the moment. What if? What then? and so on. skrewedangel asked what is gonna happen if we don't make it? I think we will make it. And i hope we will learn from that, how important it is to take care of each other, show respect and step back sometimes for the elderly and weak. Im still proud of you and your reached goals. No booze! Good one! Like to read good news at the moment. Also thank you, Wednesday for sharing your thoughts and concerns here. I'm glad we all can share our headaches here. -be well all.
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The suffering of temptations

Hey there. Long time no write. My little one started his school career now and he is in the first grade now, yay :-) He is growing up so fast, turning 7 now this year, i cannot believe that time flies so fast and leaves nothing but memories. On the one hand it is really nice seeing him growing up and learn new things, experience and develop to the gron up human he is becoming in a few years. On the other hand you really realise how mortal we all are and how you self grow older and will vanish one day. He said some days ago to me that i surely will become 1 Mio years old and live forever. Anyway he wants to have my clothes when i'm dead and i told him he could have the half of them and share the other half with his brother. He is quite a rebel in school and we already had the first notice of the teacher within one week: he thought it would be a great trick to just lock up all the toilet doors from the inside and crawl underneath the open space. So hell yes, he is definitely my son... My wife is still very into her control-force about me. I understand that, due to my history and the history of writing with other women. But it is getting on my nerves. I dress better lately and wear what i like, i found out that waistcoats are quite nice and wabash pants and everything from the 30s to the 50s. She lets me now, after she tried to change me the last 12 Years. I saw some beautiful mothers in school and they recognized me. I take that as a compliment and will not try anything else. I think i've learned my lessons. But one of them with this ice grey eyes. She is a classy woman, i guess end 40. She is the center of every room she enters, a really beautiful woman. Oh my. Well he´re i can write that and let it out a bit. Work is mostly boring. I have a managin position right now and just tell people what to do. It doesnt make me happy to work like that, as i dont recognise it as work. Strange um? In my last vacation i renewed the facade of our house with red wood. Never done that before and it turned out quite nice. Looks a bit like the houses in sweden. I enjoyed that. Next project will be to newed the kitchen. After that it will be close to winter again and i'll have to manage the firewood. Strange that i cannot be satisfied with what i achived here in my 'job'. I watched 'A Star is born' and i have to say i was totally impressed. The music, the actors and the story itself was great. I woke up with one sentence the older brother tells the musician at one point about his dad: 'The only thing he did for you was making you his drinking pal' I'm really afraid, even though my dad did this already with my mum, that i will follow his steps and become an alcoholic one day. I crave sometims for a cold beer after work or just to come down in the evening. My wife is strict enough to say i'm not allowed to drink during the week. I have to be careful with that. I know how quickly i got used to pot back in the days. That'll be it so far. Love you all. -be well
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High up in the Sky

Lately life is mostly good and i really enjoy time with my family. It is weird, that we have more harmony as less people from outside we have in our life. On this behalf i just wanted to tell eightofnine how sorry i feel for his loss and how happy his family can be that he's taking care. Everething else is not worth mentioning atm. be well.
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Growing older

It is weird, how times are changing sometimes and also prorities. As i was sedulous last year to renovate the little tractor i have and spent a lot of energy and time into that, it's now different - it's done since a while and i don't long for the greasy hands anymore. I guess it was a proval thing. I might do something like this again: disassemble everything, refresh everything and put new ball bearings etc. in. Repair something old to something early new just to do it. Strange how that made me do something about my relationship. On the one hand i took the time for myself in the evenings to recreate this piece of junk, i distanced from my wife and family in my free time (evenings/nights) on the other i didnt realise that i repaired my relationship with that endurance on focussing on a goal. My wife and the little one are back since some weeks. They hated it in the cure....kind of. I visited them on one weekend and they both really missed me. I missed them too but i used the free time at home to watch some Netflix Series i usually dont get to see, smoked some pot and had some beer. :-D I know that was childish, but it was nice to have some time alone aswell. I learned though, that without these rumors and the noises and the life in the house it is an empty life. Nothing is really as fullfilling as a family. I love to have them back. My wife is not so suspiciously anymore and is not investigating every step of my day. That takes a huge load off my shoulders and hers, too. Im really grateful for that. The Little one is a little bit more whiney since the cure, but thats ok. He is losing his teeth now slowly and he's proud of showing how good the are rockable :-) I also kept my promise and read that second favorite book os his to tape. So he listened to the tapes (yes tapes) every evening in the cure and long afterwards at home. My wife said i was there every day with my voice. I guess she didn't misslike it either. I love the ritual the little one and me have together: i bring him to bed, read him something and afterwards we cuddle, often enough until he falls asleep. Sometimes i fall asleep aswell. I love that. I cannot remember that my parents brought me to bed like that. But i will do better then my parents. Work is going straight forward: i asked my Boss for a raise and got it. Bang! Fells really good to be worth something. I also said that as soon as out products are ready to be sold in the US and Canada i'd like to be the CO for the Canadian Market. My Family would move with me for some years to Canada. Even our Teenager Son was totally into the idea. We'll see. Yesterday i had to think about that again and also this morning, when i deleted my 'myspace' account, on which i posted some years ago a foto of me sitting on the bar with my dad and his friends. I was about 4 or 5 years old and we raised glasses. My Dad always was the Ubermensch for me, he could do everything, was a good worker and Man and Dad and and and. I always thought so. Actually he was an alcoholic, drove my mom to be an alcoholic which she still is. He was not very successful with his Job, or as a father or a husband. Sounds like a Treason now, but i think i reached more then my Dad already years ago, even though he always told me i'm not good for anything. He did that always when he was angry about himself i guess. But i'm better then him. Better a father, better a husband and better in supporting my family with my wage. I was untrue and unfaithful to my wife, yes. But i never would beat her, never tell my Kids, theyr'e not good for anything and i never ever will become a drunk guy, dying at the age of 57 due to his alcoholism. Thats it for today. Word out :-)
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My wife and the little one are in cure now for two weeks. Next week they are gonna come back and i cannot wait until i have them back here. I was visiting them last weekend, it is a 4hour drive one way and i really loved seeing them. Also They were happy to see me and they didnt want to let me go. Everything else is running normal. weird uh?
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1 Day left.

My wife and the little one are leaving for the 3 week-cure on the 2nd. I spoke his favorite book on a tape, so he can listen to that while i'm not there. Usually i read him something every evening. Im gonna miss him like hell. And i honestly don't know what to read in the evening, when he's not here...
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My little one turned 6 today

Hes 6 now. and he got his Drumset for his birthday. Damn, i love him so much. He is really my savior in life and i hope he will have a good life. Oh: i also love Nathaniel Rateliff: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVrKA-CuAsY&t=0s&index=13&list=PLPTCABf90Y0EXfRGidEFdMAbguIOInOEU I'm gonna see him live in February in Utrecht, Netherlands...
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Well, i had that whole turning 41 thingy now and it feels not really strange. It feels streange to live with an irascible (had to translate that word first) person.She is shouting all her anger and hate and disappointment. It's not against me, wasnt this time, but it's like in every relationship, that you listen to your partner. But she is furious sometimes, that i get scared. I know people will probably say i'm a wussy, but i'm not. I'm just scared of the person i (used to?) love. In a few weeks she is going on a 3 week mother/child cure, which they do offer here in Germany for stressed mothers. On the one hand she is taking that to come down, which is good, the other hand to punish me or better make me feel that i'm gonna miss her - which i probably won't - the third hand to try the distance because she considers to break up. I'm really gonna miss my little son, he is my heart and my soul. He is the one for me. Our eldest son who's staying with me alone during the cure just said 'will be realxed 3 weeks'... Oh yeah!
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Soon im gonna turn 41. And it feels like nothing special. I feel old sometimes, when i try to keep up with getting up stairs or anything which is challenging my stamina. I know the reasons: couch, cigarettes (not on the couch though) alcohol, unhealthy food, chocolate, no sports. Repeatandly (is that a word?) i try to get over my 'Schweinehund' and do something against all this, just with the goal to just fail, but have something in mind that i at least tried. I don't feel so attractive anymore - just kidding. And my wife is still nagging about having more sex.Las Week she said, that we just be friends and for all the rest we should look for someone else. I was shortly tempted but then i smelled a trap :-D It is really crazy, the last 10 years she totally wasnt into sex and now she is nearly trying to ravage me. I cannot be bothered, because it is really boring sex with her. No oral, no anal, no playing games, nothing extraordinary. I surely watched too many pr0n when i was younger. But whatever - i think sometimes you need to try something different to spice it up a bit. Im stuck in a missionary hell of pink. I stopped writing to that other woman for two reasons: the first reason was, that she wasn't as interested in me as i was in her. The other was the stress of always checking if everything is deleted. Enough with the crying. Later more.
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Reefer Madness

Well lately i use to smoke a spliff again from time to time. It is not making me as paranoid as it used to be, maybe because i have people now in my life and i'm not so alone anymore. Whatever: it is just a tranquilizing effect that i long to, if i have beer or pot, doesnt make any difference to me. Best thing woul be to quit smoking, reefing and drinking at all. I should concentrate more into health and fitness. But hey, i thought i wouldnt make it to the age of 30 and now im gonna be 41 in two weeks. My mom fell in her garden last week and broke her wrist and ellbow. She's in the Hospital right now and takes it slow. She is really getting old and i can see that. I never thought that she would be so relaxed in the hospital. Her Skin is getting better due to she has no access to alcohol there. But she doesnt mind it seems. If she would quit drinking, i would be the happiest person on earth. Well, but i've learned not to put to much hope in that case anymore. Funny also, how many old users randomly come back here.
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