So last night I had the dream again. The dream reliving the week that my brother died. I had actually gone a couple of weeks without having it. Well its bacckkk. I will never for the rest of my life forget a moment of that week. It was the worst week of my life, and trust me Ive had a lot of bad shit happen. I wish I could go back. I had just turned 20. I wasnt ready to be the one in the family to make decisions. To pick up the pieces. To take care of my father. I wasn't ready. Everyone told me back then, that it would get easier. Well so far, it hasn't. I still turn everytime I hear someone say his name, to see if it's him they are talking to. I still feel like breaking down sometimes when I look at my Dad, bc Jayson looked just like him. When does this shit get easier? I thought the foundation would help. Closure you know? And maybe it will in the long run, but what about now? Since Jayson got sick. I learned everything I could about melanoma. I learned how to check yourself and what to look for. I learned statistics,I started working with Relay for Life, to raise money and awareness. But everyday the ache and pain is still there. The fact that I know he will never get to see me get married,never get to see my kids.To see the woman I have become. To see his own kids grow up ( and they are some damn amazing kids!) I have a lot to be grateful for I do. I was lucky with my last two cancer scares. They turned out to be begnin. I just want to be able to be the happy person I was before all this happened. Be truly happy again. If this whole healing thing could speed up, that would be helpful. Sorry for the depressing entry tonight. Tiff