I can never stay mad at Jesse. We talked for a long time on the phone this morning and it was all good and blah blah. Then later in the evening I called him to ask him to help me with this thing online, and, to put a long story short, he wouldn't. I didn't feel like talking anymore because I was pissed so I was like "Okayy. Bye." He's like "Okay, have a good night." Me: "Yep, bye." Then about an hour later he came online. Volturius115: hows the thing coming? hersheykiss3988: i just finished it hersheykiss3988: it took forever hersheykiss3988: how is your rest coming> Volturius115: it was sleepy Volturius115: i just wanted to say night Volturius115: actually Volturius115: heh Volturius115: have a good night I don't know. That made me hiz-appy.

First, I'd like to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Zac Hanson. Okay. So today is two years from the first time Jesse said "I love you." Sorry if that's lame that I remember. We hung out today. He came over right after work, which was at 7:40 AM. That was rough. We mostly hung out at his house. We didn't do much. It was nice though. I don't know. Sometimes I think I'm weird but then I read those confessions on that grouphug site and I feel completely and utterly normal. It was probably so retarded of me to get involved with him again, but I don't regret it. Yet. I love him. I think he thinks we're "together." That could be another problem. I have senioritis in ALL aspects of my life. Like, I care about him so much, but I still think David is the cutest boy. But I never think about him when I'm with Jesse. I don't know. I'm an idiot. But I'm happpppppppy.

HANSON HANSON I LOVE HANSON. Best of Hanson Live and Electric I love them. I am so over every man except Taylor. AHHHHHHHHHHH

I'm cranky and lonely. I miss having a boyfriend. I'm tired of all my friends. I want to go somewhere.

I suppose, given recent events, this shouldn't make me sad. But it does. A lot. Volturius115: i've actually been thinking about the forces, lately hersheykiss3988: as in an option? Volturius115: yeah Volturius115: i've been thinking about it Volturius115: and it seems kinda like track hersheykiss3988: i remember you were semi considering it a few years ago Volturius115: except the way i would have run track if i were in charge hersheykiss3988: yeah hersheykiss3988: and way harder and time consuming Volturius115: well, it'd be a job Volturius115: and if you remember Volturius115: in track i worked pretty hard, alot of the time Volturius115: heh "machine gun crawford" hersheykiss3988: lol yeah hersheykiss3988: you did work really hard hersheykiss3988: which one would you potentially do? Volturius115: marines Volturius115: the CIA doesnt recruit out of the army hersheykiss3988: what do they recruit marines for? Volturius115: marines is more specialized hersheykiss3988: well i mean like, to be spies or something? Volturius115: yeah hersheykiss3988: that'd be scary Volturius115: wouldnt that be ultimate? Volturius115: if one day i came back Volturius115: and like - kendall bunzey was like a doctor or some stupid shit Volturius115: and i was like "i'm not aloud to tell you" Volturius115: yeah it'd be scary Volturius115: theres a bunch of stuff Volturius115: they have to decide who is in charge Volturius115: they have to have people to cook Volturius115: to build Volturius115: to repair hersheykiss3988: so what'd you wanna do? Volturius115: heh ultimately, i'm not sure Volturius115: i'd wanna be like the secret agents on the bourne identity Volturius115: except not die hersheykiss3988: yeah hersheykiss3988: that'd be real cool hersheykiss3988: really intense Blah. I'm trying to be supportive. :(

Sometimes I can't take it. But in this sense, it's a good thing. I just look at the world around me, and I see so much beauty, and it just, awakens something inside me. It's like what Ricky says in American Beauty. "Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in." It's so true. And that beauty can be found anywhere and everywhere. And I'm listening to Coldplay, which is probably the most amazing band ever. Tonight was amazing. Carly, Dennis, Jesse and I laid out on my trampoline and we saw shooting stars, and as we laid in the midnight dew with our heads touching, I felt like it should, and could, be like that forever. My friends are the air I breathe. I sound corny right now, but I don't care. If I don't express emotion, what kind of person am I? Today I was a little less than enthusiastic about hanging out with Jesse, since we've hung out every day this week, and at first, he was getting on my nerves a little. But then it was like, I don't know. I could be with him forever. It's a very strange feeling. Sometimes it feels like we're brother and sister. Other times it feels like we're married. I always feel like he's my best friend. He came with me to Duncan's last night so I wouldn't have to be anti-social alone. We sat in the cabin for two hours and talked and were mean to anyone else that came in. :-P Yesterday was so great with him. We went to the most beautiful place in the world. And made out on the porch of a haunted house, overlooking a private lake, in the midst of a thunderstorm. It was wonderful. You know, it's like that a lot. Sometimes we'll just make out forever, and other times we'll just be chill and talk. The other night when we were driving home, we had one of the best conversations I've ever had with anyone in my entire life. I realize now that we're A LOT closer than we were when we were going out. We've both chilled out, and done some growing. It's so nice. Anyway. Courtney, I'm sorry about that guy. Most guys=queer. Pretty much all guys=queer. Just think about how great it will be when you find the guy that =love. And you will find him. And you know I love you. <333 Coldplay lyrics time. Did I drive you away? I know what you’ll say, You say, “Oh, sing one we know,” But I promise you this, I’ll always look out for you, That’s what I’ll do. I say “oh,” I say “oh.” My heart is yours, It’s you that I hold on to, That’s what I do, And I know I was wrong, But I won’t let you down -Sparks If you ever feel neglected, If you ever think all is lost, I'll be counting up my demons, yeah, Hoping everything's not lost, Everything's not lost, When I'm counting up my demons. There's always one for everyday, With the good ones on my shoulder, I drove the other ones away. If you ever feel neglected, If you think all is lost, I'll be counting up my demons, yeah, Hoping everything's not lost. When you thought it was over, You could feel it all around, Everybody's out to get you, Don't you let it drag you down. -Everything's Not Lost <3

i'm going to kill someone. i seriously just spent 30 minutes typing out this huge entry. ugh! Summary: long weekend

Ahhh. I love having no school. These past few days have been bliss. Yesterday was Ash's graduation party, and that was a good time. Friday I saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith, then went kayaking and then hung out with Jesse for a bit. Thursday I hung out with Carly. Wednesday was the last day of school and Rachael's party and that, despite a few things, was major fun. Tomorrow is Annie's moving up ceremony, then I might go get my hair cut and hang out with Jesse. Tuesday is my History regents, then Ian's BBQ. Wednesday is my senior picture. I'm not sure about Thursday or Friday yet, maybe Courtney-Anne can come up the hill! Saturday is graduation, plus Meg and Paul's parties. I love graduation parties. Now I'm off to watch the Aviator. I LOVE SUMMER! My only problem is that I wish I was in Ireland right now. Instead of Berne.

At this very moment, I am overflowing with love for Evan Michael Place. <3 <3 <3 LAST DAY BABY!!!

What a poopie day. Oh well. One night of work, and then a summer of (semi) freedom. I CAN DO IT. So-last day of school tomorrow. Then to Rachael's shindig. I'll at least make an appearance, and stay to watch Eric and Jesse play their song. Then I might jet with Carly. I found the sweetest quote. And then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will yes. -- James Joyce I LOVE THAT!

I love how last night I was all anti-Jesse. It's so hard to stay mad at him!! He came over for a little today. I gave him a haircut and we worked on his research paper. Honestly, I'm tired of thinking about it. He was funny a few minutes ago. Volturius115: "If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."-Anon. Volturius115: GOOD POINT, Anon! hersheykiss3988: lol hersheykiss3988: everyone knows muhammad ali said that Volturius115: i bet he was qouting Anon Volturius115: oh wait Volturius115: is Anon short for Anonimous? hersheykiss3988: lol hersheykiss3988: yes! Volturius115: OHH hersheykiss3988: hahaha Volturius115: shit Volturius115: lol Volturius115: in an essay i wrote "Anon once said "...." Volturius115: omg hersheykiss3988: lol did you really?! Volturius115: yeah hersheykiss3988: that's awesome Silliness. I spent some time with Eric today and that was good fun. Mad love to Eric Matthew Fernandez. TWO DAYS!!

Volturius115: so breaking news Volturius115: cassie daimond is officially a cheerleader hersheykiss3988: what a surprise Volturius115: that means i have cheerleader fanclub members hersheykiss3988: which makes you lame Volturius115: that makes me sweet! hersheykiss3988: if i was a dude, i would not want cheerleaders in my fan club hersheykiss3988: cheerleaders=fags Volturius115: hey you cant choose whether or not you want a fanclub Volturius115: eh - its all about titles hersheykiss3988: well you can either be cool and ignore your fanclub hersheykiss3988: or love it-like you and sam hersheykiss3988: you guys bother me Volturius115: well the difference is this Volturius115: sam actually hits on them hersheykiss3988: oh so do you Volturius115: i'm just nice hersheykiss3988: i dunno Volturius115: when do i hit on them? hersheykiss3988: you wanna bang cassie diamond Volturius115: no i dont! Volturius115: well i do - but thats for a TOTALLY different reason than because shes in my fanclub Volturius115: and want and persue are two totally different things hersheykiss3988: it's still nasty Volturius115: well you're not much better Volturius115: you totally wanna bang me Volturius115: and I'M totally nasty! Volturius115: i mean Volturius115: i am! hersheykiss3988: if i wanted to bang you hersheykiss3988: i would Volturius115: i guess that makes you nasty Volturius115: yeah okay Volturius115: you're just too afraid hersheykiss3988: or too grossed out Volturius115: but not hersheykiss3988: okay Volturius115: k good hersheykiss3988: i'm not agreeing with you Volturius115: oh Volturius115: lol hersheykiss3988: ugh hersheykiss3988: sometimes i want to plunge a sword through your heart Volturius115: why? hersheykiss3988: because you make me angry!! Volturius115: i'm sorry :-( LSKDJFKLDJFSLKJF Oh well. Only a year more of that fagtard in my life. Then on to COLLEGE GUYS!!!

we have talks like this. ilovehanson514: it just goes around in a big circle ilovehanson514: you dump me to be with rachael, rachael dumps you ilovehanson514: now we're both back at the drawing board Volturius115: hey - i didnt dump you to be with rachael ilovehanson514: oh yes you did Volturius115: :-( no i didnt ilovehanson514: could have fooled me ilovehanson514: it won't hurt my feelings anymore jesse Volturius115: katie i dont care if it does or doesnt - that honestly wasnt the reason ilovehanson514: okay Volturius115: i realized that my inability to handle your constant ranting about stuff made you unhappy Volturius115: its strange actually Volturius115: we've sort of switched places ilovehanson514: yeah ilovehanson514: but it wasn't really your inability to handle my ranting that made me unhappy ilovehanson514: it hurt my feelings that you didn't care either way about me Volturius115: what do you mean by that? ilovehanson514: like you didn't care whether we were together or not Volturius115: aw well like Volturius115: i cared Volturius115: but i just wanted you to be happy Volturius115: thats caring ilovehanson514: kind of ilovehanson514: you went about it a strange way Volturius115: its caring more about you Volturius115: maybe ilovehanson514: eh definitely Volturius115: i dont really remember what the strange way was ilovehanson514: the strange way was telling me you needed space, and then dating one of my closest friends two weeks later ilovehanson514: that made me jump for joy Volturius115: well i dunno i admit the space thing was sugar coating Volturius115: but you think it was easy to do that?! ilovehanson514: you made it look pretty freaking easy Volturius115: i mean jesus katie breaking up with somebody isnt easy Volturius115: i was about to fucking cry Volturius115: and at least i did it in person Volturius115: i know people who've gotten less respect ilovehanson514: well the one time you were about to cry ilovehanson514: i did 45849883048934 times Volturius115: katie i didnt cry just the one time Volturius115: but i wont pretend it was equally hard for me ilovehanson514: and at least you don't have to watch rachael every day with someone else Volturius115: thats true Volturius115: and i've apologized for that Volturius115: several times Volturius115: and i'll do it again if it helps ilovehanson514: yeah i know ilovehanson514: you don't have to ilovehanson514: it doesn't really help Volturius115: ugh now i'm all upset Volturius115: fuklempt, as they say ilovehanson514: indeed ilovehanson514: what does that mean? Volturius115: like - where you're throat is all closed up and you can kinda cry ilovehanson514: oh ilovehanson514: yeah Volturius115: ugh i'ma go to bed Volturius115: have a good night ilovehanson514: yeah you too Volturius115 signed off at 10:46:37 PM. Everything is pissing me off today. And somehow making him upset doesn't make me feel better either.

My life bothers me. It bothers me how my best friend is my ex-boyfriend. It bothers me that I don't care that my best friend is my ex-boyfriend. It bothers me that he still means everything to me. It bothers me that I can't picture myself without him. It bothers me how I can tell him things I can't even tell Carly. It bothers me that he can tell me things he can't tell anyone else. It bothers me that he is still the most gorgeous person in the world. It bothers me that he was with Rachael. It bothers me that I've never been with anyone else. It bothers me that I don't even really want to be with anyone else. Like I said, my life bothers me. Well, off to another day in the company of Jesse. Wondering if my happiness now is screwing me over later. And what bothers me THE MOST is that none of that stuff actually bothers me.

I'm sitting here thinking and getting quite angry. Today when I was hanging out with Meg and Carly, they were talking about how they hate when their boyfriends get "all emotional" and how it's too much to deal with blah blah blah and I wanted to smack them over the head with a huge piece of lumber. They say they love Jim and Will, but do you really think that taking the phone off the hook when your boyfriend is having a major breakdown is love? NO. It's not. They are SO immature about stuff like that. "Oh I can't be bothered with his trifling emotional insecurities." What bitches. That pisses me off so much. I'd be there for Jesse in like two seconds. And I know he'd be there for me too. And we're not even in a freaking relationship. UGH! "I love Will but I can't be bothered to support him because I'm too busy making out with his best friend to talk on the phone." I hate them. Maybe that's part of my problem though. Yesterday we were talking, and I was like "Hey you never bought me a Valentine's Day present." Jesse was like "That's because I was safe with you. I always felt safe with you Katie." I mean I guess that's a good thing, he knew that I cared about him, but it makes me feel taken advantage of. I hate how nothing in my life is sacred anymore.

So it's like six AM, here I am online because I forgot that I volunteered to do the soundtrack for our play. Good move, Katie. DRAMA FEST-FRIDAY JUNE 3, 7 PM AT BKW AUDITORIUM Be there or be square! I'm thinking a *certain someone* will make an appearance. Lucky me, he'll get to see me make a fool of myself on stage. Oh well. Yesterday was an excellent day. It was so beautiful outside. I rode the bus to Jesse's and was there until about 8:30. I had lots of fun. We even went for a run, and I convinced him to do the Altamont 5k. Just one question...when did he get a six pack?! Deliceuse... Anyway, here is my list of the top five bang-able guys, in no particular order. Ethan, Chris Cornell, Hayden Christensen, Taylor Hanson, Jude Law ^That's what I'd like to call a party^

Another Ethan sighting! This must be short because I am quite sleepy. I got a 720 on my US History SAT IIs! :-D Is it just me, or does anyone else want to see Lords of Dogtown?

I feel really freaking weird!! I just spent like an hour on the phone with Rachael and we were talking about stuff and it was weird. We haven't seriously talked in a long time. I kinda miss her. Strange how things work out... Anyway, I've written one essay and a bit of another. It's going to be quite the night. I was going to hang out with Rachael and Carly and Meg but I really have to get this done, especially if I want to go kayaking tomorrow. Which I do. So I stole this from Courtney. Regular Stuff What is your name? Katie How old are you? 17 What color are your eyes? Blue Hair? Red Skin? Fair What are you wearing? Track shorts, running camp shirt Are you wearing socks? yep How old are you again? 17 still What is your fave color? blue, green, black Fave animal? cat, moose, horse Website? deviantart.com Place? the ocean, the forest, PA, RI, MA, the lake Person? I couldn't pick. Number? Don't have one Food? It changes, but now I'm feeling the ice cream. Drink? PEPSI! In what state do you live? New York On what do you sleep? A bed Shoe size? 8-9 Favorite song? Right now--La Tortura by Shakira! Favorite artist? Hanson! Smell? Peach, Jesse Teacher? Mr. Baggetta, Ms. Rys Which would you rather? barefoot/shoes? barefoot coke/pepsi? PEPSI Saturday/Sunday? saturday weekday/weekend? weekend die trying/never try and live? die trying live without love/love with out life? love w/o life i guess, i don't really get it day/night? night left/right? left up/down? down silk/satin? satin heaven/hell? heaven! laugh/snicker? laugh pencil/pen? pen binder/looseleaf? looseleaf desktop computer/laptop? desktop smoke/drink? neither flu/chicken pox? flu pizza/hamburger? pizza hamburger/cheeseburger? cheeseburger diet/regular? regular in/out? in boy/girl? huh? I'd rather be a girl, but I'd rather do a guy mother/father? both baby/teenager? teenager peanuts/almonds? peanuts Random What color is mold? mold? i don't understand Truly, do you enjoy sports? yeah What is your 3rd favorite sport? baseball Do you like anchovies? nope Yes/No love? yes premarital sex? no abortion? no gay rights? i dunno lesbianism? i dunno George Bush? YES! John Kerry? no War on Terrorism? yes Cheerleading? lame-o Football? yes NASCAR? sure why not Dale Earnhart? sure Christianity? yes Athiesm? oh i don't know surgery? if ya need it blood transfusions? yes Persian Gulf War? i dunno Holocaust? horrible Death Penalty? i'm thinking no cremation? whatever floats your boat. i'm not into it What ever else I thought of How do you like your eggs? scrambled How do you want to be buried? casket Best vacation ever? PA or RI Favorite age? 15

Well to clear one thing up-I'm not actually aroused. I just think that's funny. So I'm copying you, Courtney. Having a secret journal is pretty sweet. And this way we can keep up to date on each other without trying to catch each other online or write 30843948324 e-mails. Today would be me and Jesse's 2 year anniversary. I thought it would make me sad, but it doesn't, really. It's kind of comforting to know that he's still in my life, three years after meeting. Yesterday he was talking about things he said to me the first time we talked that even I had forgot. It made me happy that he remembered. I had to pick him up at the firehouse and Shawn and Dan and all those scary people were there and I was afraid. And driving on Central Ave was FREAKY. I definitely almost got us killed. So today I really should do some work. I have five APUSH essays and a one act play to write. Plus APUSH worksheets. Ugh. I think now I'm going to call Carly and see if she wants to run. Judd and Sam are going to kill me for not going to Sam's party. I can't believe we saw them in the grocery store. :-X