Hm So. At lunch yesterday, there was this guy. His name is "White Chocolate." I know this because a couple weeks ago, he walked up to Penner and was like, "Hey, I'm White Chocolate," and walked away. And two days ago, he went up to Whitie and was like, "Do you know who I am? I'm White Chocolate." And walked away. [i didn't actually witness these things, but they told me.] Well, I've never talked to him before, and he never to me. But on the way back to geometry after lunch, I felt someone grab my arm while I was walking. I looked up, and I saw White Chocolate. He was just looking forward, not looking at me, and holding onto my arm. [He's so tall, I can tell he couldn't see me looking at him.] And he held onto my arm for like 45 seconds just walking down the hallway. Finally, he let go, patted and rubbed my back for a quick second, and walked away. I was so scared. Seriously, man. Rape is like the biggest fear I have. Well anyways. 6th period, Senor Whore-hay was seriously being a DOUCHE-BAG. I was like, "Why are you being such an asshole latlely?" And he said, "I've always been an asshole." "Not to me you haven't, until lately. You used to be really nice to me." And then it went on for a while. It came to the point where I couldn't tell whether or not he was messing around or being serious. When the bell rang, and we left to go to the busloop, Ryan Horn came up to me and was like, "Hey, wanna see a magic trick?" And I was like, "No." And Chris said, "That was so cool! You just gained your coolness points back! You were at like, negative below zero cool, but now you're even above zero." Yeah. Okay. Well. I think he's bipolar or something. Hm. Kayla St. John spent the night last night along with her two little sisters.My parents were a little.......Ya' know. And my mom wasn't really making a whole lot of sense. Well. I think I might go to Cody's today if he's not at Zach's or Ben's or work... Meeh. My parents, brother, and Sierra are going to see Motley Crue tonight, so I have to be at Kayla's by 6. Yeeah. Stupid weekend. exxx♥oooh

Sooooo. Yesterday, I went to Holli's. And yeah. Cameron is talking shit again... And I'm sick and fucking tired of it. But thaaaat's okay. 'Cause I Myspace messaged that sucka'! Anyways. At Holli's we took a crap load of pictures and talked to Tony on the phone for like 4 hours. lol Yeep. We also made ghetto milkshakes out of Weight Watchers fudge-cicles... They were pretty tastyyy. Her dad dropped me off at 7-11, and I did some work and got 20 dollars. Now I'm trying to figure out something to do tonight. Meeh. Yeah. So. Peace out. exxx♥oooh [[tony]] [[our impression of one of the ex-boyfriends we share]] [[sooo true]]

So I figured I'd do a survey that I already did a looong time ago. Just to see what [based on the survey] has actually changed. Plus, I'm addicted to surveys, and I'm bored. Five details about you... [x] I love love LOVE Mountain Dew. [x] Kisses are basically my favorite thing in the world. [x] I'm really short. [x] Music = life. [x] I can't play guitar with a crap. =] Five details about your appearance right now [x] My hair is a messs and in a clip. And it needs to be washed. [x] I have on black pants. And a KoRn shirt. And a grey Vans hoodie. [x] I'm not wearing make-up. [x] I'm bare-foot. [x] I have hearts drawn all over my hand. Five things you did today... [x] I woke up. [x] I ate breakfast. [x] I got online. [x] I called Jessica. [x] I talked to Jimmy when he called me. Five memorable things that happened in the past year [x] 3.14 [x] Meeting 2 new certain people. [x] Getting... Hardc0r3. Like we call it. [x] Going to Dale. [x] Amber moving baack. Five things that make you happy... [x] Music. [x] Friends. [x] Hardc0r3 + 3.14. [x] Mountain Dew. [x] Puppies. Five people who mean a lot to you... [x] Jessica. [x] Kayla St. John. [x] Jimmy. [x] Amber. [x] Chris. Five things you can't live without... [x] Music. [x] Friends. [x] My L-O-V-E. [x] Mountain Dew. [x] My family. Five things you feel right now... [x] Blaaaah! [x] Bored. [x] Lazyyy. [x] Dirty... Not the sexual way. =] [x] Thirsty. 1. First Name? Shelby. 2. Were you named after anyone? Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias, and a car. 3. Which finger is your favorite? Middle. 4. Are you answering these questions during work? Noo... 5. When did you last cry? I don't remember. Last week, I think. 6. Do you like your hand writing? It's okay. 7. What is your favorite lunch meat? I don't eat lunch meat. 8. Bad Habits? Yes. I have sooome. 9. What is your most embarrassing CD on the shelf? Hm... Good Charlotte. =] 10. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? Probably not. lol But I can't stand people that remind me of myself too much, anyways. 11. Are you a daredevil? Are you nuts? Daredevil, maybe. Nuts, no. lol 12. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? Yes. 13. Do looks matter? As long as you have all the normal body parts, and no extra body parts... Not physically deformed or too terribly ugly... Then no, not at all. =] 14. How do you release anger? I listen to music and write. 15. Where is your second home? Kayla's and Cody's. 16. Do you trust others easily? Not really, no. 17. What was your favorite toy as a child? There was this firetruck thing with a horn on it. And I always used to bite the horn. lol 20. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Yes. 21. Have you ever been in a mosh pit? Yess. 22. What do you look for in a Man? Pretty eyes. Sweet. Funny. Makes me smile. Taller than me. =] Good kisseerr. 23. Who is your favorite singer? Bert McCracken. 25. Would you bungee jump? I already did. =] 26. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Depends on what shoes I'm wearing. 28. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Cherry Vanilla. And Cookies and Cream. 30. What are your favorite colors? All of them. 31. What is your least favorite thing to do? Homework. Meeh. 32. How many wisdom teeth do you have? I don't know. 33. How many people have a crush on you right now? I hope no more than 1. 34. What do you miss most right now? Shadoow. 35. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back? It's in my journal. 36. What color pants are you wearing? Black. 37. What are you listening to right now? Drop Dead, Gorgeous. 38. Last thing you ate? Chips. Mmm. =] 39. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Red. 40. What is the weather like right now? Cold. 41. Last person you talked to on the phone?Jimmy. 42. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Eyes&hair&lips&neck&hands&arms. =] 43. Do you like the person who sent you this? I don't know where I got it. 44. How are you today? Lazyyy. 45. Favorite drink? Mountain DEW! 46. Favorite Alcoholic Drink? Smirnoff Twisted Black Cherry. 47. Favorite Sport? Skateboarding? 48. Eye color? As in mine? Green. 50. Do you wear contacts? No. 51. Siblings? Briana, Amber, Krystal, Jeanette, and Jarred. 52. Favorite month? December, March, May, June, July, and August. 53. Favorite food? Popcorn shrimp! 54. Last movie you watched? Beauty and the Beast. 55. Favorite day of the year? I have a feew. =] 56. Are you too shy to ask someone out? It depends. 57. Scary movies or happy endings? Scaryyy! 58. Summer or winter? Both. 59. Hug or kisses? Both. 60. Relationships or one night stands? Both. 64. Living arrangement? Mom, dad, me, younger sister, and dog. 65. What books are you reading? "Go Ask Alice" by Anonymous. 66. What's on your mouse pad at work? At home? It's just black. 67. Favorite board game? I don't really like board games, but I do like Twister. 68. What did you watch on TV last night? I didn't watch tv. 69. Favorite smell? Vanilla! And I like strawberries too. =] 70. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up? DAMN YOU, ALARM CLOCK! SHUT THE FUCK UP!! sjf38475ruwjr98w2ur389w2jr!!

Ha. I haven't been on this thing for a very very long time. It's amazing. And I'm back on it because of Amber. So yeah. I was reading through some old entries, and I thought to myself, 'God, I was retarded.' Not saying that I aren't now, but if the me NOW knew the me THEN, then I would kick the younger me's butt for being so stupid. Meeeh. Hm. I wonder if the hearts work like they do on Myspace. exxx♥oooh

I went to the dance last night... Cody gave me a ride, and he was with me basically the whole time. As soon as I walked in the door I was passing out hugs... Hm... Cathryn Westland and mostly Kaylin Johnson were calling me a lesbian. lmao So I was flirting with Skyler and dancing with her. Then I said, "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH SKYLER!" ^_^ Taylor, Jon, Bryan, Tony and I had a little mosh pit, but stopped before the principal came over... I danced a lot because I am oh so very cool... ^_^ Holly and my ex were there, but I avoided them as much as a possibly could. When I first saw them, I gave her a hug, hit him on the head, and I ran away. I slowdanced with Skyler, then TeSean, then Taylor... I knew Cody didn't want to go to the dance, but for some reason he went... So at 9, he came up to me and was like, "OH YEAH! It's 9-o-clock!" lol Katherine Demps thinks he's very cute, and she came up to Cody, and she said, "I like you," and walked away. lol Yeah... After the dance, Cody's mom took us to get something to eat, and then I went home... My mom was awake when I got there, and she started asking me all these questions about Cody, and then she started yelling at me about it. "WHY DOES THAT BOY SPEND ALL HIS TIME OVER HERE?" I tried to explain to her that we're just friends, but she replied, "Bulishit! That boy loves you!" I don't know what else she said because I ignored her the rest of the time... Why does everyone think I'm dating Cody?!? It'd be like... dating my brother. I couldn't do it... Ever. lol Yeah... So... I guess I'm outta' here... "They'll fucking tie you down and bleed you from your wrists. Well, it's better that we leave it this way. And just to soften the blow, I'll steal all of your kisses and sew them up in the creases of our hearts. ...I never really loved you anyway."

I can't be mad. I WANT TO BE. I need to change myself completely... I need to be a different person. I lose people by being me... Maybe if I looked or acted more like... HER. GOD... I just feel like I've had my chest torn open... IF ONLY I HADN'T BEEN SO GODDAMN STUPID... If only I wasn't such a fucking whore.... If I didn't dress like the way I do or act like I do... I DON'T LOOK LIKE A SLUT... But I am one. Maybe I need to look like one and not act like one... Then I wouldn't LOSE PEOPLE. God... What am I rambling about? He's happy... But I don't think I want him to be. HOW CAN I BE SO FUCKING SELFISH? I only care about myself... MAYBE THAT'S MY FUCKING PROBLEM. >_< I knew I wasn't meant to love anyone. I KNEW I was never meant to be loved. GODDAMMIT. I need to change the person I am. EVERYTHING has to change. Clothes and personality all included. Jesus fucking Christ... "I'm in a car underwater with time to kill. Looking back, I forgot to tell you this... I didn't care that you left and abandoned me. What hurts more, is I would still die for you."

I went to Jessica's last night to spend the night... When we went outside, we hung out with Bryan and walked over to the railroad tracks. We waited for a train to come by, and we crushed a golf ball... lol On the way back to Jessica's house, I slipped, and now I have a ginormous bruise on my butt and like 3 on my arm. lol Later, Jessica, Josh, and I walked to McDonald's, and guess who was working that night? Michael Duncan. Eeew. But we got dinner, and then went back to her house. Yesterday, BEFORE I went to Jessica's, Mikey, Jeramie, and Tim came over my house at 6:30 in the morning... lol I was with them and Kayla all day. Kayla and I went to pickup Cody, and turns out he dislikes Mikey... Strongly... Er... I guess that's it? "Regardless if my pictures; they don't line your mirror. Regardless you know that I'll still wait for your call."

I went to the movies last night with Mikey, Jeramie, and Tim, and Kayla met us there. I felt like I was on a school field trip, because a lot of the people in my classes were there... All together... All seeing the same movie as me.The first person I saw when I opened the door was Chad, and all I thought was, "Oh, God." lol But it was a pretty good night. The movie, wasn't that great (Ring 2), but I still had fun. I was as annoying as possible... ^_^ After the movie, we went to Target for a little bit... We walked back to the theater around 10, and me and Kayla almost got in a fight with 2 girls, but Mikey's mom came and picked us up. The night before last, Jessica spent the night, and we were allowed to actually sleep in the same bed. lmao Yeah. She went to VA beach yesterday for family stuff, and I get to keep her BAM hoodie until she comes back. Pretty good spring break so far... "So here's a present to let you know I still exist. I hope the next girl that you kiss has something terribly contagious on her lips."

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!Here is how you matched up against all the levels:LevelScorePurgatory (Repenting Believers)Very LowLevel 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Very LowLevel 2 (Lustful)HighLevel 3 (Gluttonous)LowLevel 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)LowLevel 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Very HighLevel 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very HighLevel 7 (Violent)ExtremeLevel 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Very HighLevel 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)ExtremeTake the Dante Inferno Hell Test

DisorderRatingParanoid:HighSchizoid:LowSchizotypal:ModerateAntisocial:ModerateBorderline:Very HighHistrionic:ModerateNarcissistic:ModerateAvoidant:ModerateDependent:Very HighObsessive-Compulsive:Low-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

*sigh* So... My mother went through my personal journal. Yeah... My handwritten one... And she found out about me and Jessica. ...And Jessica STILL got to spend the night again after we told her that we were straight and made a stupid decision. And we couldn't sleep in the same bed... But it's all good. Yesterday, before my mom found out, Jessica got very upset when she saw the scars on my arm because she had never seen those before. "Those look fresh," she said. I tried to walk home but ended up crying on her instead. So it turned out okay... I'm feeling a little... Strange about something else now... How am I supposed to feel? Hm... Well... Her girlfriend broke up with her... And I... >_< Oi. I DON'T KNOW! I REALLY DO love JH, and AS thinks that she's somehow destroying it, and she's not. I worry about her... I really do. I HAVE TO MANY FEELINGS. Maybe I wasn't meant to love. Ever. *sigh* "And in saying you loved me, made things harder at best... And these words changing nothing... As your body remains. And there's no room in this hell... There's no room in the next. But does anyone notice there's a corpse in this bed?"

Friday: I went to Kayla's, and Tara, Kayla and I went skating. Cameron was there, and that made things very difficult for me... Mikey and Jeramie went with us, too, which was very cool. I couple skated with Mikey's little brother, and then with Mikey. Jakoury was there, and that was great... I saw Cody Lane who I haven't seen since 6th grade, and I saw Whitney Runyon. Whitie and Brandon Roberts were there, too. (Whitie's way cooler than I thought she was.) At one point I got kind of... upset. I don't know... Someone told me that Cathryn Westland gave Cameron her phone number... And Mikey had talked to Cameron earlier, and Cameron said that he broke up with me not because he believed the rumor about me, but because he was tired of HEARING it. I went to the bathroom, and I cried in there for the last 15 minutes of being there. Tara finally got me out, and I felt really stupid... I'm not the one who's supposed to be like that... But everyone saw me cry anyway... Like a frickin' emo kid... People were passing me around like a joint... I was held by like... 5 different people. I was okay, though. I ended up spending the night at Kayla's with her and Tara. Last night, I went to Sharae's party, to where I also became a little upset, but I didn't cry. And this time a different person was the reasoning... Brandon. Yeah... Grand. I talked to him for a little while, and things just... Aren't the same. I was thinking about what it would be like if things were the way they were 2 years ago... And then I realized that he's 17. It was fine when he was 15, so why not now? Everything that he talked to me about over the summer never happened. Bleh... Oh well. Maybe I'll wait FIVE MORE YEARS... Wait. That's all I seem to do anymore... And now I'm confused as to who I love... And who's good for me... Aaach...... Ah well. "I’m tired of being quiet. I’m sick of writing the songs that make you think that you're so special. You never really were that special"

How can a 4 letter word be so fucking complicated? I don't even think that I should date anyone anymore... EVER. Everytime I fall in love, it just falls apart... MISERABLY. What's the point in it, if it's just going to kill me? I just want to crawl into a hole... And die. Just... Die. There's no point in anything... I no longer HAVE a reason to believe that everything is going to be okay... I KNOW that nothing will be okay. Ever. I've got company... Later.

Yeah... French: C Social Studies: B Science: C English: B Algebra: D+ Tech: D Career Planning: B Gay stuff... I'm grounded from the phone and I can only go outside on the weekends... And I only get 30 minutes online everyday. I guess that's okay. Not as bad as I thought it was going to be... I founs out that Brittany has been telling lies, too! She told Amber that I was going to break up with Cameron to go out with Jessica... And that's what Kayla told me that Jakoury told Brittany... But Jakoury said that he said nothing of the sort... But whatever.... None of it's true, and the entire world is full of assholes and total liars. Oh well. Like there's anything I can do about it... Cameron, I love you so much... I won't let anything happen to us. "Do you like to hurt? I do. I do. Then hurt me."

It stopped for a a little over a month... But now... >___< ...Um... But I love you, Cameron. "If we cut out the bad, well then we’d have nothing left. Like I cut up your mouth the night I stuffed it all in. And you lied to the Angel; said I stabbed you to death. If we go at the same time,they'll clean up the mess."

Let's start with the good: Last night, I went to the concert. ^_^ I swear, it must've been the greatest night of my LIFE... We missed a Static Lullaby, but that was okay... We got there just as Underoath was finishing. Then, it was Senses Fail. We did a little jumping around, and Jessica wanted me to crowd surf, but I wanted to wait until I was *hyped* enough. After Senses Fail, Killswitch Engage came on. I went in the mosh circle... And it was great. I was super surprised at how nice people were, though. Every time I fell in the mosh pit, 2 or 3 guys would help me up. (I was one one of like... 2 girls on the pit. The other being Jessica.) It was so great. After Killswitch, My Chemical Romance came on, and I crowd surfed. (To the song, "Honey, This Mirror Isn't Big Enough for the Two of Us" and "Thanks for the Venom"). ^_^ Gerrard looked oh-so-super hot. After MCR, The Used came, and I thought I was going to CRY. I saw Bert, and I FREAKED OUT. The first song they played was "Take it Away," and I got knocked down a few times in the mosh circle... lol They also played, "I Caught Fire," "All That I've Got," "The Taste of Ink," "Blue and Yellow," "Listening," "On My Own," and the last song they played was, "I'm a Fake." It was GREAT. (I crowed sured to two of those songs... Which ones I don't remember.) Sorry for putting so much detail into that, but it was my first REAL concert... My first REAL mosh pit... And my first EVER crowd surf. It was the GREATEST. ^_^ We got home at 2:15 am... lol And I had to go to school today. School wasn't all THAT bad. I wore my new The Used shirt, and I had little bruises all over my arms and extreme pain in my neck. AND I LOVE IT! I was hoping to get a busted lip or a black eye, but it didn't work out the way I wanted it to... Oh well. Today was Brittany's last day at Carver. I'm not sure if I'm going to miss her, though... I mean, she was my friend, but then her and Jordyn got really annoying with the Jessica thing. And now, as it turns out, Jakoury told Brittany that I wanted to break up with Cameron so I could go out with Jessica. NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I love Cameron with all my heart, and I would NEVER do something like that to him... He's practically the only reason I breath anymore. (Cameron, if you're reading this, I'm not saying my life is dependent on you.) But I mean... Why would JAKOURY say something like that? >_< God... And now Brittany's probably pissed at me over something that isn't true... It's kind of fucked up, really... Ah well... I LOVE YOU, CAMERON. Quotes from the concert: "I'll see you all in HELL. Have a nice night!" - Killswitch guitarist "I hear those sleigh bells ringing... Ding ding ding-i-ling-ling... It must be Christmas! I have some presents!" *throws boxes into audience* "You know what's in those boxes? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! It's what we all eventually become." -Gerrard of MCR "You all look VERY sexy tonight! You make my pussy wet! I'm going to perfrom oral sex to each and every one of you after the show! Especially that guy! Hey, watch this." *Shoves microphone down throat* -Bert of the Used <333 "Would you be my little cut? Would you be my thousand fucks? And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid... My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter. I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart... Love is not like anything. ESPECIALLY A FUCKING KNIFE."

We don't have school tomorrow... THE CONCERT IS TUESDAY!! lol Friday night, Jessica and Kayla went with me to skateland, and I saw Mikey! It was so awesome... Taylor was there, which made things VERY akward... Jakoury was there, which made things very cool. I couple skated with Christina, Mikey, and Christopher. Brittany told Jordyn that me and Jessica were at Skateland, so Jordyn CALLED. She gave some crap about her getting ready to kill herself, and there was something about her cutting herself so much she couldn't walk... Jesus... Let her, I say. She kind of ruined things and me and Jessica were upset... But things got better. She spent the night that night, and yeah. Yesterday: Jessica spent the night again. Brittany called my house and asked to talk to Jessica. I said no, and I told her I had to go. 5 seconds later, Jordyn called and asked to talk to Jessica. I told her no, and she kept begging. She called my house 6 times in a 10 minute period. Today I cleaned... And stuff. I talked to Taylor today, and I'm talking to him now... It's all... Weird. And stuff... And... >_< I dunno... It's so akward... *sigh* "There's just a few things I think that you should know. Those words at best were worse than teenage poetry. Fragment ideas and too many pronouns... Stop it, come on. You're not making sense now."

Ryan's supposed to start reading my journal now. YOU STALKER!! jk... lol ANYWAY... Jessica came over the last two days, and Brittany is very angry with me because of Tara's birthday party... Yesterday, she called me a liar, and when I asked her HOW I was a liar, she wouldn't tell me. "Why won't you tell me??" I asked. "Because you're an ass-wipe," she replied. That's so gay... She needs to get OVER whatever it is she's... Uh... Under? lmao ANYWAY... I hung out with Cody and Jessica today and yesterday... I'm supposed to go to Skateland Friday night with Jessica and I get to see Mikey Jones! It will be grand!! Um... Yeah. So... I guess that's it. Look Ryan! I'm not losing my virginity in this one! :P lol I love you, Cameron. "I never lied to you, unless I had to. I'll do I what I got to. The truth is you could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt." (Omg, if you ever see this video, it's grand. It has Flava Flav in it... lmao)

Friday: Went to the dance. It was great... And I got roses from Cameron. ^_^ I don't know how many people told me how "pretty" I was. lmao Kourtney Davis told me I looked beautiful. Heh. (I think these were the same type of people that were calling me a chubby gothic girl after making Kate cry.) Jimmy and Kate got king and queen, and I almost cried when I heard Jimmy's name. lol Hm... I sucked helium out of a couple of balloons... We danced and stuff... Uh... Hm... I guess that's it. Saturday: I had a very interesting conversation with ABBY... I don't really want to go into complete detail about it, but it had a lot to do with Amber (everything to with Amber, infact), and Brittany would absolutely KILL ME over it. Hm... I went to Tara's house along with Kayla, Brittany, and Jessica. It was pretty cool... Taylor came over and wanted to see me, but I never left the room. ^_^ Hm... Yeah. Jessica and I stayed up until 4 and put silly string all over everyone... Yeeah... That's it I guess. Tomorrow is Valentines Day... -The End! I Love Cameron. "Scold me; failed her. If only I'd held on tighter to her... Pale white skin that twisted and withered away from me..."

I found out that a certain person who used to call me trailer trash, has a story of his own. At one time, he lived in a very small house. So how did this guy who lived in a very small house get to a rich neighborhood? His parents won the lottery! Ha! :D Hm... What else? Cameron got me something for Valentines Day... Um... I went to Cody's today and played video games, then we went to Blockbuster and Lowes... lol I'm going over Ronnie's Thursday to help with videos and stuff... Uh... And I guess that's it. Oh! And we get report cards tomorrow... Dun dun dun... Yeah... That's it. "I'm so happy 'cause today I found my friends... They're in my head."