I have decided maybe it is time to stop moping and get on with things. It has almost been a year and this whole Ash suituation has driven me insane It's been hot and cold. There has been good times to which I hold onto, but no I need to learn to let go. There is so much going on and many more important things I need to do and focus on. I have realised that you can't change someone, or make them fall in love with you. I stayed in the hope of him ever loving me and treating me right. I stayed and held onto something that was never there or ever will be there. I hoped to to make him fall in love with me as much as I was in love with him. I regret moving too fast, giving into my urges and lust. I regret that I fell so quick and was uncontrollably stupidly in love. I was selfish and I destroyed myself and others in the process. I have lost friendships, respect and my dignity. I forgot about others and wanted what I wanted, I lied and cheated my way just to be with him. I did everything just so I could see him. I held back from telling him and pretended like I didn't care, when the truth is I care way too much. I fell in love with a man who will never make me the only woman. I fell in love with the idea of him, of what he could be. But the truth is that he will never be that person. He will never be my knight in shining armour and he will never love me for the right reasons. I feel cheated, used, abused and I have lost so much. I lost apart of myself through it all. I hurt others and I hurt myself because of lust. I fell in love with love. I wanted him to want me to make myself feel good. To make myself feel wanted. But the truth is I mean nothing to him. There are so many beautiful women in the world and he just wants it all. He will never be faithful, and I will never be the one. The only one. I was never the only one to begin with, and that's what destroyed me. I gave myself to him and yet he gave me nothing back. I stayed in hope that maybe he was good, maybe deep down he would suddenly tell me he loved me too. That maybe we could be together and live out my stupid, obsure, unrealistic fantasies. It hurts so much to know he doesn't want to be with me, but yet I stay and beg and hope for a little bit of attention. When he says hello or kisses me I am lost in the moment, when he is there I feel happy and hopeful, but yet it is shattered once I leave and I am left feeling helpless, hurt, and used. I need to get away from this. I need to forget about Ash... Time and time again, he comes back and I am too stupid and helpless and I give in. After everything that has happened, I stil hold onto a string of hope that maybe it will be rectified. That maybe he will love me. But the truth is he will never love me or respect me if I give in. I am not the only woman and I never will be and I need to accept that and move on. I need to say no to him . It's so damn hard. With every whisper of a hello and a smile I give in because he makes me feel so good, but yet destroys me at the same time. Every moment I am left with thoughts of him, of being with him and how happy he makes me when we are together. But it's all a lie. I don't want to admit the truth. I have once and it hurt more than anything I have ever felt. It felt like my heart was being ripped out and thrown away. It feels like the world is crashing down and there is no way it will ever be better. Admitting the truth about him was the hardest thing I have ever had to say. That I mean nothing to him, that he is just using me. I keep thinking about what I could have been to him. About the first times we began to talk, the first time we met. From that very moment I gave in, was the moment I set out to destroy myself. The moment we kissed, the poison set in and it seeped through my veins, filled with lust. Lust so strong that I was willing to lie, to cheat. To be cheated with. Lust that overtook my ability to think clearly and to rationalise. To forget that I was being used and that he didn't care about me. I feel stupid, used. Abused. He lingers on in my mind and there is still hope, but for now I know the best thing is to try and get on with my life and forget about him. To learn to respect myself, and gain my dignity back. To try heal my broken heart even if it means not seeing him again, because it's such a bad feeling. When the only person who can make you happy is the person who has hurt you in the first place, and it's a vicious cycle. He continues to hurt me and I continue to hurt myself. It's been almost a year... I have to tell myself to let go, because this is unhealthy. I lost three people in my life who cared about me. I lied to people I love and care about. I drove to see him, I was late for work, I failed my uni paper. Nothing good came from it. Nothing but just false happiness and despair .